There's just so much going on right now. My stomach started hurting this morning after breakfast and I thought maybe I'd eaten something that was just a little off, but I think it's more likely that I'm just feeling everything that's going on. Here's a list:
1. My parents are coming in tonight and we're going to see a play at my school. Doesn't sound stressful but for me it is! My stage fright is SO bad that I can't even watch a play without having an attack of vicarious stage fright. But it's a play I still really want to see (Macbeth) so I'm just gonna have to suck it up. But on top of that:
2. Tomorrow some friends I haven't seen in awhile are coming into town. I really like them but they are also acquaintances (not sure I would go so far as to say "friends") with my abusive, sociopath ex-boyfriend. (I actually met them through him.) Last time they were in town, I ended up having a huge blow-out fight with my mother after seeing them, a response to the stress of feeling uncomfortably close to someone I never want to think about or hear about again. And I know they'll probably tell him all about the visit so there's the added pressure of having to seem like my life is absolutely fantastic (which, in some very important ways, it is, except for the Crohn's of course).
3. This coming week is my last week of classes as an undergrad. I am terrible with change anyway, and I always have a huge increase in anxiety at the end of every year. This year it's about a million times worse because not only am I graduating, but a week later I'm moving across the country. My college is also a unique, intensely intellectual environment that simply does not exist anywhere else and as much as I am ready to be done, I am going to miss it like crazy. I am actually tearing up as I write this, I am going to miss it more than I thought possible.
4. I'm doing an internship this summer which I'm really excited about, but really nervous about because I have very little background in the subject. My mentor understands (her brother is a professor at my small liberal arts school) so she understands what she's getting and she doesn't expect me to be an expert but I'm still worried about messing up.
5. I have to start my real life now! I can't just futz around in undergrad world, I have to really think about where I'm going and what I want to do and how I'm going to get there. I'm definitely not done with school, that's for sure, but graduate work is more focused with the end goal of a particular career in mind so it feels a lot more like the "real" world.
A lot of changes are coming, all good and all exciting but also all terrifying.
Anyway, my stomach actually hurts a little less now, I just needed to write this to help myself work through it. If anyone actually read all of it, thank you! And if not, I understand, I can be a little long-winded. I feel a little better now. Thanks for listening
1. My parents are coming in tonight and we're going to see a play at my school. Doesn't sound stressful but for me it is! My stage fright is SO bad that I can't even watch a play without having an attack of vicarious stage fright. But it's a play I still really want to see (Macbeth) so I'm just gonna have to suck it up. But on top of that:
2. Tomorrow some friends I haven't seen in awhile are coming into town. I really like them but they are also acquaintances (not sure I would go so far as to say "friends") with my abusive, sociopath ex-boyfriend. (I actually met them through him.) Last time they were in town, I ended up having a huge blow-out fight with my mother after seeing them, a response to the stress of feeling uncomfortably close to someone I never want to think about or hear about again. And I know they'll probably tell him all about the visit so there's the added pressure of having to seem like my life is absolutely fantastic (which, in some very important ways, it is, except for the Crohn's of course).
3. This coming week is my last week of classes as an undergrad. I am terrible with change anyway, and I always have a huge increase in anxiety at the end of every year. This year it's about a million times worse because not only am I graduating, but a week later I'm moving across the country. My college is also a unique, intensely intellectual environment that simply does not exist anywhere else and as much as I am ready to be done, I am going to miss it like crazy. I am actually tearing up as I write this, I am going to miss it more than I thought possible.
4. I'm doing an internship this summer which I'm really excited about, but really nervous about because I have very little background in the subject. My mentor understands (her brother is a professor at my small liberal arts school) so she understands what she's getting and she doesn't expect me to be an expert but I'm still worried about messing up.
5. I have to start my real life now! I can't just futz around in undergrad world, I have to really think about where I'm going and what I want to do and how I'm going to get there. I'm definitely not done with school, that's for sure, but graduate work is more focused with the end goal of a particular career in mind so it feels a lot more like the "real" world.
A lot of changes are coming, all good and all exciting but also all terrifying.
Anyway, my stomach actually hurts a little less now, I just needed to write this to help myself work through it. If anyone actually read all of it, thank you! And if not, I understand, I can be a little long-winded. I feel a little better now. Thanks for listening
