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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender » I don't know what to do dating wise


11-18-2013, 09:50 PM   #1
nogutsnoglory
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I don't know what to do dating wise

Before all hell broke loose this summer and I was in my healthier state of being unhealthy I was going out with a really amazing guy. The problem is in talking to him he made clear that he finds the idea of an ostomy absolutely horrendous. I don't know if he meant he couldn't accept living with an ostomy himself or that he wouldn't even entertain being with someone with an ostomy. I wasn't sure I'd need one at that point but when I found out I did I stopped going out with him.

We had great chemistry and so much in common but I'm scared to get hurt or feel anymore disgusting about myself than I already do with my scars and stoma. I am getting better now, the hope for a reversal may be a few months away and I have more energy. Truth be told I can't fully commit myself to someone because dating requires a lot and I'm still weak and busy with doctors. I really want to find someone though, I really miss being in love.

Do I chance it and be honest about what's going on or do I wait till I'm better and have a reversal which could be months away. I risk him finding someone and losing him. I know there are other fish in the sea too but dating is so difficult with IBD and an ostomy. Maybe I should experiment with dating others first and seeing their reaction so I won't be as hurt by someone that I really like. Sigh.
11-18-2013, 11:42 PM   #2
CrohnsChicago
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I hope you don't take this the wrong way when I say it, but based on your writing style on the forum sometimes, I have imagined you to be a very direct person in real life and that being said, I say don't waste any more of your time (or respectfully, his) than you need to. Be honest, let him know what you are looking for and ask if he feels he is willing to be in whatever type of relationship you are looking for at the present moment as well as in the future.

And without knowing the personality of this guy you are crushing hard on, I can only say since he has shown some sort of opinion on the topic of ostomies, it might be best to just get it out of the way. The sooner you have your answer, the sooner you can decide if it could work between you two and if cannot, then it you did yourself a favor by not wasting any more time than deserves to be spent on worrying over whether he is the right guy for you or not.

You can put that attention that would have been spent on worrying towards healing yourself and finding someone who is worth the time and that doesn't have an issue with ostomies, scars or anything else crohn's related for that matter.

I would agree with you on the dating around and keeping your options open only because I did the same thing once I got better, so long as you are taking care of yourself first and foremost in the process I say why not.

But also remember that dating is EXHAUSTING. I am regularly dating again now that I am getting better and yes, it does use up a great deal of energy along with everything else going on in your life...I require a noticeably larger amount of down time/sofa time than I used to lol.

Whether or not you date right now is your choice, but I would say don't waste your time or his time, if any, wondering, just ask. Good luck!
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Crohn's-Colitis May 2012
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Last edited by CrohnsChicago; 11-19-2013 at 12:07 AM.
11-19-2013, 12:22 AM   #3
nogutsnoglory
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Thanks I am generally pretty direct and I say it like I see it but obviously crohn's and the ostomy topics are pretty sensitive for me and I don't share that with everyone. I have become much more alright sharing crohn's and have only had one rejection because of that but largely I don't think I lost any friends or boyfriends over that. The ostomy is a whole new bag (literally!).

I am waffling because on one hand like you said dating requires a lot of energy, I am just gaining a little back but have a long way to go and I don't know about the reaction. He was great on discussing crohn's but I can't help but think the ostomy could ruin my chances and God willing in a few months I'll have a reversal. On the other hand I can't put my life on hold till I have a potential take down of my stoma.

You are right that honesty will help me get the real answer and that could be amazing or devastating. I'm a bit fragile now because I'm still unsure if anyone would date someone with a stoma. I know realistically that open minded people exist but it's a big pill to swallow and I can understand that.
11-19-2013, 04:08 AM   #4
Axelfl3333
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Since my dating experience has been non existent for ages I,m not sure if my advice is any good,but I always think that polite honesty is best this guy could be totally open to you and hasn't,t dated anyone with a long term condition and won,t really know how to react.he could be really decent I,d say go for it,old saying "what's for you won,t go bye you".good luck
11-20-2013, 03:01 AM   #5
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Please forgive me advance. I'm a bit drugged up from pain meds and I read your past 3 times (it's me, not you! lol) so I hope I understood and I hope I made sense.

I personally wouldn't even deal with that guy anymore. I know it's easier said than done and it sucks when you have feelings for someone, but you still deserve a lot more. Fact is CD sucks! It's a sucky condition and we already feel like crap ourselves...and we need people around us that support us, like us and love us no matter what.

One ex bf of mine was a complete ass and made me feel horrible after he walked into the bathroom and saw blood in the toilet. (I was in a horrible flare and was so weak and out of it, that after wiping and washing my hands, I forgot to flush and just passed out). So instead of being concerned, he's disgusted and makes me feel like crap. 90% of my relationship with him I was in a flare. I believe because he added onto my stress.

My last bf was amazing. I could vomit on the floor, I remember having an accident on myself because I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. The times I lost tons of weight and felt ugly. This man would still hold my hand, dispose of my soiled pants, and still look at me like I was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen.
And my CD was in remission most of the time with him. He didn't add on my stress.

I've now been single for about 2 yrs now and I get lonely and want a bf, BUT I know from the past the type of man that I want. I'm never getting rid of CD and I never know when I will get sick, need surgery or just look disgusting. and I want someone there that will love me no matter what and not make me feel worse.

I'm sorry for the long post, but reading your op made me feel sad because I've been there. If he can't accept you right now, he doesn't deserve you when that bag is removed. And what if you get sicker in the future and need another bag or something else (but hopefully not!)? Then what? Are you going to hide from him? You don't want a relationship like that. Trust me. Been there, done that and it sucks!

Like you said, there are other fish in the sea. Once you feel better, go out, have fun and meet other people. You WILL find someone that is accepting and that will support you in sickness and health. This is HIS loss, NOT yours!

If my post doesn't make sense or if I just ranted and it has nothing to do with your op I'm sorry! Lol! I'm on pain meds right now and seeing double a bit. Okay off to bed! *Hugs*
11-20-2013, 04:29 PM   #6
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I know exactly how you feel, a few years ago I had really good chemistry with a guy. But then my crohn's start flaring up and I had to be in the hospital on and off for a few months. So I was avoiding him and eventually we never talked anymore. It sucks because I get really insecure about my disease, not even my best friend knows. I'm afraid to be in any relationship with anyone from then cause I'm afraid I would be a burden to whoever dates me and end up leaving me. CD is so stressful, and can make you pretty stressed/depressed/tired I think dealing with this disease itself is so stressful. But I think you should either tell him, if you really like him. Be honest about the disease, and if he leaves or doesnt accept you for who you are, then he doesn't deserve you. But if he does, than he's worth it. At least telling him, you'll know the truth.
11-20-2013, 06:48 PM   #7
nogutsnoglory
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I owe it to myself to find out the truth. I think I will wait a little longer to feel better and see if stoma take down is possible before pursuing it again. I hope in a few weeks I can meet him and re-connect. He knows I want to meet and he likes the idea. He is probably confused since I just dissapeared last time and doesn't know what to make of the situation. This disease is really unfair but it makes for an interesting and suspenseful ride.

I know that some of you feel I should ignore him
Because of what he said. While that does hurt, he didn't know I was a candidate for an ostomy so in fairness he was just speaking his mind on it. Yeah not so PC but we are all human right?
11-20-2013, 10:12 PM   #8
cca2013
 
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I owe it to myself to find out the truth. I think I will wait a little longer to feel better and see if stoma take down is possible before pursuing it again. I hope in a few weeks I can meet him and re-connect. He knows I want to meet and he likes the idea. He is probably confused since I just dissapeared last time and doesn't know what to make of the situation. This disease is really unfair but it makes for an interesting and suspenseful ride.

I know that some of you feel I should ignore him
Because of what he said. While that does hurt, he didn't know I was a candidate for an ostomy so in fairness he was just speaking his mind on it. Yeah not so PC but we are all human right?


Yeah, that's not so bad. I was thinking he DID know and still made that statement. That does make a difference. In all, do whatever makes you happy. You never know! You may tell him about your CD and he turns out to be supportive because he really likes you. Good luck!
11-21-2013, 07:29 PM   #9
Kev
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Taking relationship advice from someone like me is like asking the Pope for dating tips. My track record has been abysmal. But, since when did ignorance stop me from expressing an opinion.

Sometimes ALL we have left is our dreams. And dreams can be a fragile thing. Problem is there are times in life when we can be as fragile as our dreams. My gut tells me this is one of those times for you. I wouldn't ante up your dream right now. Just hold onto it for the present.

Sometimes we (and I'm using we as a cop out... I hate to use generalizations.. but they can come in handy at times) males (regardless of orientation) talk thru our freaking arses.
I mean we literally say shit just to voice something... often without thinking it thru/over.
God knows I've opened my mouth on more than one occasion, inserted my size 14, then made room for the other foot. So, maybe what he said was just another case of that. Or, it could be... that without stating it hard and cold... he conveyed to you what he could deal with.... AND what he ...knew... felt... thought... that he couldn't deal with...just on the off chance it happened. People are what they are... we each have our limitations. It may sound... I dunno... ridiculous.. but it really isn't about you.. it is about him. Get it?

For example... (and this is a poor illustration... because I'm crazier than bed bugs) back a while I met this lovely lady... who also had Crohns... and an ostomy. And the thought of it wasn't an issue. We didn't materialize into anything, but it had nothing to do with her appliance. My grandfather lost an arm in the mine, my uncle a leg in the war, a cousin an eye... My point is... physical imperfection is no big deal. Hell, the aging process alone will drum that into anyone who doesn't get it just yet. I wouldn't have a problem with someone who lost a limb, a breast, some or all of their colon, ileum, whatever. But, if I ended up with an appliance, it would probably end my 'personal' life. Why? Currently I have an extremely difficult time with just my scars... my cowardice.. my issue.. an ostomy... I couldn't handle it. I tip my hat to anyone who has more guts than I do (and pun intended). Hopefully, it illustrates my point. The issue is the people with the issue, I speak from experience. But, enough about me and my peculiar idiosyncrasies. Crazy...

I came out of a relationship... because the person was making me feel bad about myself. It really isn't important (relevant) whether making me feel bad about myself was accident or deliberate. It really doesn't matter. I know what lonely is like... it can be ... like Crohns... eating away at one slowly. But better lonely.. than becoming a victim.. whether it is unwittingly or not. I'm not in a relationship now, haven't been for a year, but I FEEL so much better about me... about not being a victim.. that the lonely pill is easier to swallow. And it doesn't have to be a permanent condition. But, like I said, I'm way crazy.
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11-21-2013, 08:00 PM   #10
Axelfl3333
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Kev, your post made me smile that's exactly how I feel.my dating record is abysmal but I do know one thing it's the imperfections that make people interesting and a longterm health condition makes it harder without a doubt,but not impossible there are a lot of understanding and reasonable people out there who need to be given a chance to understand crohns or any other chronic health condition.
Noguts I,m sure this guy gave had the natural,same shocked reaction you had when you found out you may need surgery and as kev said guys are prone to come with total garbage at times,been there bought the t-shirt.if you like him cut him some slack.
Ps I don,t get the not not telling close friends,family about crohns,there,s no shame in it these are the people we need the most
11-22-2013, 03:17 PM   #11
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Kev

Your post made me smile and to be honest it takes a lot to do that these day.

Thanks x
11-22-2013, 04:20 PM   #12
nogutsnoglory
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Kev you made me laugh so hard but on a serious note I agree fully with what you wrote. There are so many potential factors.

I am sorry you got hurt and it brought down your self esteem but I truly believe someone is out there for you too. Someone who won't make you feel bad or judged and won't even see your scars because they are too busy looking into your eyes and connecting with your soul. Maybe I'm a sap and hopeless or hopeful romantic but if I exist, surely there are others who will overlook the meaningless things in life and see the person for who they are. Your scars don't define you!
11-22-2013, 04:57 PM   #13
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Aah big hug to you both.....
11-24-2013, 02:45 AM   #14
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Sometimes we have to give people the chance to show themselves and sometimes we have to take a chance ourselves. Tell him why you have been quiet, and see his reaction. It might surprise you. Likewise don't be afraid to take a chance yourself. By telling him what you have been through, and continue to do so it will not only show you want to be honest, but also show him (and possibly you) how strong you have been. Good luck.
11-24-2013, 08:13 AM   #15
Kev
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I think we need to let people 'show' themselves (as they truly are) ALL of the time. BUT, we need to take what we are shown, put it in perspective, and fight the inclination to judge. I am terrible at that... too many years working as a bouncer... instant judgements meant the difference between getting hurt (or worse) or not. I try to fight the instinct, but I recognize that fight/flight is hardwired into us.. it is instinctive.. so I forgive myself or others who succumb to it. The thing is... we are human.. fallible, faulty, just people. I tell people who meet me for the 1st time... that this is... mediocre me.. typical me. I go out of my way NOT to put my 'best' foot forward on a first meeting... because who could possibly keep that up. So, a 1st meeting isn't me at my best, nor my worst, just average. Now, if your friend HAS an issue with ostomates.... then that needs to be 'known'... at some time when you are ready for that news... either pro or con. If he has that issue... doesn't make him a bad person.. just not the right person for someone who has an ostomy, or might get one. We are all entitled to our quirks, idiosyncrasies, or out and out failings. You know when they say that a leopard can't change it's spots, they got it wrong. A leopard isn't supposed to change its spots. A leopard should be a leopard. It is "US" who shouldn't go around convincing ourselves, or trying to convince the leopard, that they aren't a leopard. Leopards are beautiful creatures, just as they are.

My very recent heartbreak, it wasn't the other persons fault. It was strictly all my own. I let my ... fear... of loneliness.. drive me.... to getting back together with someone who I knew I couldn't rely on... simply because... no, partly because.. my issues over my scars made getting intimate with someone 'new' something I dreaded. So, I hooked up with someone who knew about my scars... AND with whom the physical side was magic, despite the fact that I knew... had witnessed first hand... this person could be as dangerous as a leopard. Beautiful, but dangerous. I knew that going in, and I went in anyway... so to avoid 'possible' pain I exposed myself to some well known predictable pain. Got no one to blame but myself. Man, I'm more messed up by it than I realized.

Back to you. You need to ask the question. You need to know the answer. But you need to know that you are READY for the answer... whichever one it may be, before you ask it.
And, for the love of... whoever. Don't do as I did. Like I said, dreams can be so fragile.
11-24-2013, 11:25 AM   #16
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Wow, that sounds deep,.but i really like your leopard theory. So i am going to try and bear that in mind.

Jx
11-24-2013, 02:11 PM   #17
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Just be honest, tell him what you're going through. If he thinks its gross or doesn't want to be involved then it's his loss and then you will know that you guys where not meant to be, and you can move on, not wondering what could of been.
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