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04-15-2013, 07:42 PM   #1
nogutsnoglory
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Partnered or single and dating? How do you and your partner handle your disease? How do you handle coming out with IBD to people you date?
04-15-2013, 07:48 PM   #2
nogutsnoglory
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I am currently single and haven't done much dating since I'm in a horrible flare. I generally am careful about coming out with my Crohn's. I usually hint on the second or third date that I have a sensitive stomach and need to be careful with what I eat and after I see that the relationship is going somewhere I tell them about my Crohn's. I don't say I have a "disease" since that may scare them. I think people hear disease and think you will die soon. I just explain it as being an intestinal problem and that I need to be careful with what I eat. The closer I get the more open and detailed I get about my condition.

In my last relationship my partner had IBS and we both knew we had to be careful with what we ate. We also both understood one another when we didn't feel well and didn't want to go out with friends. That was a nice arrangement but pretty atypical that both partners have stomach problems.
04-16-2013, 12:57 AM   #3
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Partnered or single and dating? How do you and your partner handle your disease? How do you handle coming out with IBD to people you date?
I am single and my dating life is pretty much non-existent. I really have not had much luck finding someone, so I guess you could say I am unlucky in the whole love department. I worry when I find someone if they will accept me once I reveal to said person that I have IBD. I don't even know when would be the right time and I worry how my potential significant other would take it. Revealing to someone you really like that you have IBD is nerve-wracking and makes me very anxious even thinking about it. I am living the single life, but I am hopeful I will find someone out there who understands me and accepts me for who I am.
04-16-2013, 08:03 PM   #4
nogutsnoglory
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I am single and my dating life is pretty much non-existent. I really have not had much luck finding someone, so I guess you could say I am unlucky in the whole love department. I worry when I find someone if they will accept me once I reveal to said person that I have IBD. I don't even know when would be the right time and I worry how my potential significant other would take it. Revealing to someone you really like that you have IBD is nerve-wracking and makes me very anxious even thinking about it. I am living the single life, but I am hopeful I will find someone out there who understands me and accepts me for who I am.
Living the single life is really depressing to me. I'm relationship and family oriented and I feel lonely without a bf. I really miss the affection more than anything and being with someone takes off the stress of the dating game. I am scared about how people will react to my IBD. I was going out with one guy and we were really hitting it off until I told him about my crohns. We were out at a diner and I explained why I was a "picky eater" and his face changed right away. I never heard from him again and my calls went unanswered. Keep in mind we went out a few times and all was going great. I can't help but attribute this to my illness.

I suppose when we find the person who doesn't care about our disease we will know we found a loving and caring person. I wonder if I would date someone with IBD had I not faced it. To be honest I'd be scared and probably wouldn't want to get involved with someone sick. Being sick myself has helped me to see things in a different light.
04-19-2013, 10:17 AM   #5
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Partnered or single and dating? How do you and your partner handle your disease? How do you handle coming out with IBD to people you date?
I've been with my bf for almost 8 months, he knew I had some form of illness before we became a couple as we were very close friends for a few years before hand and he'd always been supportive when I was trying to get diagnosed. He's been even more supportive since I was diagnosed with crohn's, nothing is ever too much trouble and he kept me sane when i was forced to leave university.

The biggest problem we find is that because we don't live that close, its difficult when i'm admitted to hospital for anything or if I'm really unwell because it he can't be there as much as he wants, leaving him feeling a little useless. Otherwise we deal with it all pretty well I think, we hang out at my house most of the time so i can take it easy. His family know all about my illness too, so there's no pressure from them for me to spend time at their house ( over 1 hour 45 on buses and trains) until I'm up to it .


When you find someone that really cares about you and is committed, the illness will just be a small part of the relationship and they will love you for the person you are. Anyone that walks away purely because you aren't well isn't worth it.
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Allergic to - inflectra, aza

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04-19-2013, 10:39 AM   #6
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My son's new love dumped him when he was home from the hospital just a few days, but after recently seeing how great he looks (he's put on 22 lbs) is trying to woo him back.
Thankfully, my son is no longer interested.
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04-19-2013, 06:56 PM   #7
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I come right out with it. Never been... tactful.. suave.. politically correct. But, I think in my case.. I can be honest, upfront, yet very positive. As in.. my disease is under control, has been for the past 5+ years, and I hold a steady job, a very physically demanding one, and my day to day health has never interfered. Now, another big difference is my age. At my stage of life... slowly working something into a potential relationship consumes valuable time... so, with my method.. those who flinch and walk away... I haven't wasted my time or theirs. I've met, dated over a dozen people in the last 3 1/2, 4 months... and only 2 have walked. Again, that may be an age related thing. I posted a thread, sort of related, in another section. Thing of it is, I realized that it wasn't what I thought it was. At first, in entering the dating scene, I wasn't sure how to respond if asked about 'prior' relationships.. does one include Friends W Benefits. The debate over that evolved.. took off.. and it slowly dawned on me.. I 'was' dating. I 'was' looking for a real relationship.. and that actually, what was going on was that "I" was finally coming out of some 'self' imposed stasis.. a place I had retreated to when I became ill... Thought I was 2nd rate, 'damaged' goods.. thanks to my disease. Took me until just now to realize... I let the disease put my life.. my living.. on hold. And, finally, i am ready to get back to living... that I think I have found my closure with this disease.
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04-20-2013, 07:54 AM   #8
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I agree with the thought that when you meet the right person it doesn't matter. When I was dating, or with anyone new like friends or coworkers, I started by telling them I've got dietary restrictions because some things bother me. I found that people were mostly polite and wouldn't say more if they didn't want to know more, but if they asked about it, I would tell them.

When I was dating, most wouldn't even ask more questions, so obviously, those relationships went nowhere. To my spouse, it wasn't a big deal. She doesn't care if I order special things in restaurants (honestly I did this before I was even diagnosed anyway). We eat dinner together but sometimes eat different things. It's just never been a big deal.

So keep looking and you'll find someone special that will love everything about you and support you when you need it.
04-20-2013, 04:32 PM   #9
nogutsnoglory
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I think that once you are with someone especially if they love you it's unlikely that they will leave you just because of this hardship. If they do they are a complete jerk! That being said I think getting someone to commit to you knowing about the disease from the start is harder but not impossible.

Valley - I agree that someone who cares will see past the illness and do everything to make it work.

Amy - That really stinks about your son being broken up with. People are so shallow and obviously that person isn't worth his time of day.

Kev - I think FWB counts as a relationship if you truly were friends with benefits. If you go out and spend time together then it is definitely a form of a relationship. I just wouldn't advertise it as a FWB to someone who is interested in a more solid relationship. I too have let or rather been forced to put my life on hold by this disease but I'm happy I'm beginning to put myself out there.

Sue - its nice to hear that your wife is not judgmental about that stuff. I am not worried about people caring what I eat but more if they want to get involved with someone who is sick, needs meds, sometimes possibly surgery and who might be weak to go out. I don't know what goes on in the minds of healthy people but a sick person must be scary and depressing to them.
03-02-2014, 01:32 PM   #10
nogutsnoglory
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I figured I would resurrect this thread because I went on a date today and I had so much anxiety over it.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. My stomach was growling, stoma obnoxiously farting and lots of diarrhea. I also of course have dizziness issues and anxiety which didn't make the situation any better.

I had to give it a try so I took Imodium and gas X and hoped for the best. Luckily my stomach behaved and I wasn't feeling too dizzy. I had to keep the date to under 2 hours though. I would have liked to stay longer but was paranoid something would go wrong. It was a first date so it was fine. It's so stressful dating with this disease. Can't exactly run to the bathroom a million times on a date or fart next to them. I hate you crohn's.
03-02-2014, 03:50 PM   #11
Kev
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Hi NoGutsNoGlory

Couple of things... First off... kudos! Bravo!! Well done... It can be frightening to take that step... paralyzing even. We let our fears stop us as if it were a tangible thing.

I met a woman (well, I met a lot while dating... but this particular one developed into something... extraordinary.. AND... it never would have happened if this old Crohnie hadn't taken that 1st step... AND .. kept at it through all the disastrous dating horror stories... ) Anyway, I met a woman... 3 months now... and we had our 1st 'argument' of sorts... AND... I had my 1st flare in years... AND everything fell into... perspective.

All coincidence... but... what an eye opener. Talk about putting things in the right place, right perspective, right context. You see... (and this may have some bearing on you too) I (because I didn't want to expose her to the full extent of some aspects of my disease) had started taking anti gas products... designed to minimize flatulence. Didn't realize that I was overdosing... throwing my natural flora out of whack... de-stabilizing my tract.. until all hell broke loose... 6 day bout of diarrhea... without initially knowing the cause.. at the exact same time as my argument with this wonderful, beautiful lady in my life. So, long story into a life sentence... I went old school... examined everything I was taking by mouth... lo N behold these anti gas pills stood out like a sore thumb... removed them from my routine... and everything went back to normal...

And... that lady and I kissed, made up, talked over everything... and we are back on track and better than ever.......

Oh, and I have 'refrained' from the anti gas pills... and she hasn't run away (which says a lot... because IF 'I' could, I would) when my body decides to expel some gas. Just open a window whenever required....

Now, how a cut up, beat up, gassy old Crohnie like me merited someone like her in my life.... I'll never know. But, how I got her was... I kept dating until I hit the jackpot. The problem is.... if you don't play the game... take the risk... you can't win the big prize.
03-02-2014, 04:26 PM   #12
Axelfl3333
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I,ve been single for years,the crohns thing has never been an issue when far back in the mists of time I was seeing some one,I,m afraid the dating thing is beyond my tiny piece of ego and self esteem.
03-02-2014, 07:49 PM   #13
Kev
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I'll reiterate this... I was at a place... psychologically, emotionally... where I completely believed I was too damaged, too... worthless... for 'anyone' in their right mind to consider me 'date' worthy... or more. THAT was the aftermath of the disease talking, my thinking was... well, I completely devalued myself. To get into 'dating' again was a big venture, a leap of faith as it were.... but it was also an eye opening experience. I discovered that no one is perfect... that despite my 'health' issues quite a surprising number of women were interested in this old reprobate. Healthiest thing I ever could have done for my ego.

You know? Seriously.... Until I took that step, I was still allowing myself to be victimized by the disease. I was sitting back, marking time... and all the fault lay with one person... me!
03-02-2014, 10:12 PM   #14
Dragonfly72
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NGNG....... I am so very PROUD of you!!!!!
03-03-2014, 12:25 AM   #15
nogutsnoglory
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Thanks guys. It's true we can't become victims to crohn's no matter how hard it wants to grip our lives. We gotta do our best within our means. At the end of the day even if we have a horror scenario ie: diarrhea all over the floor in public sure we will be humiliated but when we look back at life will it really define us? We probably will look back on it and laugh.

Kev I'm surprised to hear gas pills destroyed your flora. What were you on? I take simethiocone? Gas x as needed but didn't realize it could mess up the GI.
03-03-2014, 09:13 AM   #16
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I'm in a relationship. The guy is perfect for me, we share the same weird sense of humour, same interests, the first time we kissed I cried because I felt so strongly that I'd come home (and I'm not usually a romantic, so that was something out of the ordinary for me).

We got together literally as I was starting to develop Crohn's symptoms, and I had a lot of anger for a while at the timing of that - we've been on supposed-to-be-romantic trips to London and tried to do charity runs together, during the time when I was undiagnosed and battling frustrating exhaustion and nausea. So when I did get a diagnosis over Christmas and I realised this wasn't something that would ever just go away, I felt incredibly angry that we hadn't been able to spend any time together when I wasn't ill - actually, I wasted three years of that time just before meeting him in a relationship with a complete idiot. I felt like he had never got to see the energetic, fun, outgoing person I still see myself as underneath the illness.

But then he has been amazing through all that time... he's stuck with me (we have even moved in together), he's made me laugh and I've realised the only one who sees CD as a problem in our relationship is me. I've always been the one worrying that I'm unattractive or too skinny or that I'm not as much fun as I could be - he stays with me because he loves me and looks after me when I'm going through a low patch for the same reason. We haven't had much on the sexy side for about six months thanks to an abscess that has been plaguing my life, and he doesn't seem to care, which I think is proof of a good'un...I've just got back from a weekend stay in hospital to have that drained and am currently lying on the sofa watching TV while he makes me a lasagne and makes bum jokes .

Obviously we have had our lows, particularly when I wasn't diagnosed with anything and it was frustrating for us both every time I couldn't do something or was ill and snappy, but couldn't say why. Getting a clear diagnosis has been really important in that respect as he has some frame of reference to understand what's going on with me. I'm very happy to have found someone so unbothered by Crohn's - especially since we are only in our mid-20s, he's gorgeous and there are many lovely non-Crohnie young girls out there who he could be with, so it's an ego boost that he chose me despite the pooping >D. Hoping it continues to work!
03-03-2014, 05:54 PM   #17
Kev
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Ever hear that expression???? Moderation in all things.... Well, I literally went hog wild with the damned things... Now, it may be a coincidence, but once I cut them out things went from extremely bad to back to normal within 24 hours..

Look, what I did was major 'stupid'... so much so I'm ashamed to admit it... but I just took pill after pill... endeavouring my best to stop ALL gas. Completely idiotic. Foolish!

You see... this little lady bowled me over like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life... from the get go. At our very first meeting, I was ... literally.. afraid to breathe in case I frightened her away. You know? Like a doe in the woods.... I can't do justice to it. Life comes with no guarantees, except we can pretty much be certain that shit storms will come our way from time to time. I 'hope' this will go the distance, but even if it can't (for whatever reasons)... I've had a life altering experience (all for the good) and months of sheer.... 'bliss'... that nothing can take away from me. Even if I relapsed tomorrow, OK
03-16-2014, 01:41 PM   #18
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Any illness makes dating difficult, my love life is always plagued with anxiety, and everything I've been through health-wise definitely contributes to this.

As well as perianal Crohn's I've also suffered from painful sex (vaginismus), UTIs and genital warts most recently. So much has gone wrong 'down there' that it's really affected my ability to have a normal dating life. It affects my self-esteem and how much value I put on myself in relationships (not a lot) although I'm currently having psychosexual counselling to try and deal with my anxiety and vaginismus.

I've been dating a guy for the last 10 weeks and it's been going well, he's been really understanding about all my health problems, but I still feel really paranoid that he will leave me for someone 'normal' who he can have an uncomplicated sex life with.
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03-16-2014, 04:40 PM   #19
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I am married, and have been for the past 6 yrs but I am almost 40. It took along time. I stayed sick a lot with a lot of different things. it took a real toll on my life, my career, my self esteem etc...

Dating:
Hi I am so and so I like long walks, and no I don't because I have to know where the bathroom is at all times. I enjoy my job, oops no I don't because I spend half my life in the bathroom or in bed because I am sick. Not to mention I am half crazy because my thyroid.

Relationships by themselves are a lot of work. I found someone that I love that some how loves me. "It's work but its the best kind of work" If you are lucky enough to find someone who wants to go through the craziness with you, don't run away. Count your blessings and run away with them. Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world. And always be honest they are going to find out anyway
03-16-2014, 05:01 PM   #20
nogutsnoglory
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That would be a funny dating ad and anyone who replies would be nuts. It's so hard. Yeah I am a nice person and please like me but my life sucks right now. Such a catch right? Lol. I love to go on dates but instead do you mind handing me Gatorade while I spend the night in the bathroom.

Hannah how does the therapist deal with your pain? It's physical not mental so are they just looking for work arounds?
03-16-2014, 05:56 PM   #21
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Just food for thought; I kind of always tell people this, but I SUFFERED with depression for over half of my life. I apparently have had hashimoto's since the good Japanese dr. found it (jk) any way when it finally got treated correctly my depression went away. Anxiety still going strong, but anxiety without depression is almost a beautiful thing.

My now husband stayed with me through craziness and flares. That's how you know
03-17-2014, 03:37 AM   #22
hannah-rose
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Hannah how does the therapist deal with your pain? It's physical not mental so are they just looking for work arounds?
Hi NGNG, the pain is physical (from vaginismus) but the cause is psychological. It basically means the muscles tense up against my will causing pain during sex, so I'm having counselling to try and solve the problem. It's also focusing on my self-esteem and why I have so much anxiety surrounding relationships.

I get so anxious in a new relationship that things aren't going to work out e.g. are things moving fast enough, does he really like me, why isn't he texting me, why doesn't he want to see me all the time etc. all relationships move at different paces but I just find it really difficult to feel secure when I really like someone
03-17-2014, 06:14 AM   #23
Axelfl3333
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If I can offer my tiny piece of advice here of course you,ll be anxious,you,ve got a medical condition that society doesn't,t like to talk about or is in general unaware of and that must cause worry(you sound sensible to me) it,ll get better.the is it to fast,to slow,haven,t spoken for 2 days,have I made a mistake am I totally useless.welcome to my world or should I say everyone's world.i,m 51 and if once in a blue moon some one gives me the time of day and I have a date or maybe 2 these daft thoughts arise.
Congratulations your normal.all the best good luck
07-13-2014, 12:09 PM   #24
nogutsnoglory
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Ugh feel so upset now. I met a super sweet and cute guy today and my stomach wasnt having it. I ran to the bathroom with diarrhea before and during the date. I was so afraid to have an accident. I felt like puking and passing out and adding on first date anxiety wasnt helping at all.

I spent 30 min with the guy and he seemed into me and really confused when I abruptly ended. I feel so awful and don't want him to think I'm not interested but even if he gives me another chance who knows I won't feel like this next week. I hate this disease!!
07-13-2014, 02:13 PM   #25
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Sometimes you just have to roll a hard six, I'm sorry NGNG. Look on the bright side, if he's into you he's probably just as scared you rejected him and you still have an in with him. I'd consider going on another date when you feel able.
07-13-2014, 02:23 PM   #26
nogutsnoglory
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Thanks! I messaged him and he said he enjoyed meeting and definitely wants to go out again. He is so cute, I really hope it works and next time my system behaves. Its so nerve wrecking.
07-21-2014, 08:30 AM   #27
nogutsnoglory
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So we met again and it seems to be going well. I have to load up on so much Immodium and peanut butter and still need the bathroom. I think anxiety makes it worse because honestly I know my stomach gets more active when stressed. Usually a first date creates anxiety but I guess because I really like this guy the stomach jitters aren't going away. If we continue I'll need to let him in on the crohns.
07-21-2014, 02:05 PM   #28
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You silly tease, tell us what he's like!
07-21-2014, 06:39 PM   #29
nogutsnoglory
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It's Brad Pitt, shh don't tell, he isn't out. Lol. He is really sweet and cute, just a nice average guy but that's how I like them, ya know human lol.
07-25-2014, 11:16 AM   #30
tek254
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I'm pretty sure this problem led to my divorce. Since then have dated once but didn't work out. I have pretty much given up on it. Just focusing on work, staying somewhat healthy and spending all the time I can with my daughter.
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