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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender » Finding a girlfriend being a teen with an ostomy


03-18-2014, 05:35 PM   #1
Ki3
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Finding a girlfriend being a teen with an ostomy

So i recently came out as A lesbian. I get so upset that Ive never had a date, ever. I have crohns and an ostomy so I guess that puts people off.

my 10 year old neighbor has been in more relationships than me and I really want a girlfriend but dont know how to get one

if anybody can help please let me know.
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Kitty
Diagnosed January 2013- Crohns Disease
Currently on: Azathioprine(imuran), Infliximab(remicade)
Had a temp Ileostomy (now reversed)
16 ~ Female ~ SouthEast England
Always here to talk!
03-19-2014, 05:28 AM   #2
valleysangel92
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Hello Ki3

First off, let me reassure you that you aren't alone, this happens to many of us growing up, crohns or no crohns. I didn't have my first relationship untill I was almost 17 and there were times where I felt like I was the odd one out or like no one would ever want me (I wasn't diagnosed with crohns, but was diagnosed with other things and had symptoms from age 15).

The important thing to remember is that you are still young, I know thats easy for other people to tell you, but its true. Many teenagers don't have relationships for a number of reasons. My sisters and my brother didn't start dating until around the same age as me either, and now we are all in happy, solid relationships. It isn't about the age you start, its about who you find. Your neighbour may have 'boyfriends' but that doesn't mean that any of them will turn into a mature relationship when she's older. There are no set rules for any of this, no one says we have to start dating at X age, and honestly, a relationship that naturally forms and falls together, is so much better than one thats made, if you get what I mean.

You seem like a mature, sweet, caring girl, and you will find someone who sees past the illness. It might take you a little longer to get into the dating seen than some of your peers, but that's not always a bad thing, and its certainly not a reflection on your personality. Try to enjoy being young while you can, especially now you seem to be getting remission (I hope?), have fun, spend time with your friends, just be a teenager, all the other stuff will fall into place when its time.

Ps, remember you are always welcome to contact me if you need to.
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Nicola
coeliac disease/Osteopenia /Crohns/Arthritis/
laperoscopic hemicolectomy 25/06/ 2013

Meds- Vedolizumab, sulfasalazine, Lansoprazole, Vitamin D, prochlorperazine, Oramorph, MST, B12 shots My journey with crohns: http://glutenfreecookiemonster.wordpress.com/

Allergic to - inflectra, aza

Non CD meds - Gabapentin, paracetamol, ventolin
03-19-2014, 08:28 AM   #3
Ki3
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Thank you. My school is very anti gay so I probably wont find someone until I leave.
03-19-2014, 08:30 AM   #4
Kero
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Dating....what a crazy time in ones life! I agree with everything Nicola said. There really is no rush. But I do understand the want to explore As far as the ostomy bag, if someone truly likes you, they won't care about it, they will want to be with you regardless. If you are having trouble meeting other lesbians, maybe volunteer for a local LGBT education group, most will have a teen chapter. Good luck sweetie!
03-19-2014, 08:44 AM   #5
Ki3
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Thank you it's more the fact that how can I say I am sure of my sexuality when I have never even tried it out? Haha.


03-19-2014, 12:00 PM   #6
nogutsnoglory
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First off you are very brave and courageous for being open about it at your age. I knew I was gay since 12 but I didn't truly come out till I was in college. It takes a lot of guts (something I don't have much of haha). In all seriousness though you don't need to have a girlfriend to know you want one. I knew I wanted a male to one day marry and have a family without having even been with one because it was just part and parcel to my identity and my thoughts etc.

You don't need to feel pressure to date, to label yourself or anything. Also, some people are not so clear cut as gay or straight. Many people are along the spectrum and prefer to identify as queer. There are also a-romantic gay people. People who are predominantly asexual but prefer people of the same sex. There are asexual straight people too. The point is its a big world in terms of sexual and gender identity. Labels are for clothes and not people. They do help us explain jsp we are and to find others but they aren't very telling to describe such personal experiences.

As for dating in general and with an ostomy I would suggest finding others like you who are intelligent and mature. You seem very ahead of your age and you would want another girl who is also mature and open minded. I would think blogs might be a great place. Maybe find someone who writes about their identity or crohns/ostomy and see if there is a match. You can try LGBT organizations or websites geared for youth 18 and under. There are so many today because so many kids are coming out early because it's more accepted now than ever. Where are you located? I can try looking up some good resources for you.

There is the http://www.glnh.org GLBT national hotline which tells you resources in your area and http://glbtnearme.org that does the same.

Once you tell me your location I'll see if I can find any LGBT youth resources. I won't find LGBT youth ostomy but there is GLO and they are a gay ostomy group. Check the top link of the LGBT forum with the welcome and resources I know there are links there.
03-19-2014, 12:26 PM   #7
Ki3
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Thank you! I do have a blog and many friends on it, but all of them are either straight, or gay but taken.

I'm in England~ surrey and West Sussex xx


03-19-2014, 01:43 PM   #8
autumn_rose
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I have an ostomy too ;-)

It used to be hard to tell people about my CD and my ostomy, but now I have no issues if the topic comes up. The thing is, people will accept you for you. And you are not your disease (I say this a lot, I realize), nor are you your ostomy. You're a great person, and people that are worth your time will realize that. My boyfriend forgets that I even have an ostomy half the time. It's just our norm now, if that makes sense.

As for being a lesbian, I can't comment on that directly, other than to say love is love and, again, people that are worth your time won't care, though I know it's hard to come out, especially if you're in a place that is anti-gay. But it's no different than being straight; the only difference is that society thinks it's different. Sometimes, it is necessary to find a new town, city, or what have you, that isn't so misinformed about sexual orientation. This was the case for a friend of mine- he was in a town that was stuck in the archaic belief that being gay is wrong, so he went elsewhere. And he's been very happy since then.

Hang in there, life will get better. Through struggle comes revolution. The trials you go through now have the potential to make you who you are in the future; don't let them make a negative imprint on who you're going to be.
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03-19-2014, 02:13 PM   #9
Ki3
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Thank you! Xx


03-21-2014, 01:54 PM   #10
nogutsnoglory
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I had to do some googling because I'm not familiar with the UK but here is what I found:

Twister GLBT youth group in Surrey for ages 13-19, http://www.surreycc.gov.uk/people-an...stioning-lgbtq

Support line & GLBT groups http://outlinesurrey.org/social.html

Useful lgbt links http://www.surreycc.gov.uk/people-an...q-young-people

Other West Essex gay youth groups http://www.pacehealth.org.uk/files/4..._in_London.pdf & http://www.pacehealth.org.uk/pace-youth/project-indigo/
03-24-2014, 08:50 AM   #11
jwfoise
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Hello Ki3

First off, let me reassure you that you aren't alone, this happens to many of us growing up, crohns or no crohns. I didn't have my first relationship untill I was almost 17 and there were times where I felt like I was the odd one out or like no one would ever want me (I wasn't diagnosed with crohns, but was diagnosed with other things and had symptoms from age 15).
Ditto to what valleysangel92 said. I'm straight, don't have an ostomy, wasn't diagnosed with UC till decades later, but I didn't really have a date till I was in college and never was much of a dater. I didn't have my first long-term relationship (beyond friendship) till I was in my mid 20s.

But today I'm happily married and have been for 24 years.

I know it is tough, but give it some time.
03-27-2014, 10:24 PM   #12
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I don't have an ostomy, but I met my boyfriend while I was really sick, and bloated on prednisone. I also snorted tea out of my nose on our first date. Don't worry, you'll find someone awesome! As it's been said before, don't rush. There's time. Wait for the right person to come along.

I'm not gay, so I can't speak from experience there. One of my best friends is gay though. She's not big on the dating scene, but she said that eHarmony's sister website for those who are homosexual, called Compatible Couples, was really good. I met my boyfriend on eHarmony, and he's awesome! If you are wanting to get into a relationship, it could be a good place to start. You then won't have to worry about trying to find a girlfriend in an anti-gay school, you can find your lady-love elsewhere! And be patient with online dating. It took my boyfriend three years online to find me.

Don't go with any of the crappy free websites. You'll meet creeps on those. Stick with the expensive ones that take an hour to fill out the profile, like the eHarmony like ones.

Good luck!
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Crohn's has really been a blessing in disguise for me. I am more empathetic, and am a stronger person for it. It gives me a challenge. I have awesome laproscopic surgery scars and photos of the intestine piece they removed. My specialist also did research projects with my intestine, and grew cool bacteria from it!

Diagnosed with Crohn's May 2013

Terminal ileum and cecum removed December 2013

Current meds: Humera

Past meds: Prednisone and Imuran
03-28-2014, 04:17 PM   #13
Ki3
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Thank you all so much!xx


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