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Spouses

:ywow: I have been fighting Crohns for 20 years and most of that time I was either dating my wife or married to her. In 20 years you would think she would know when I am sick and what happens when you get abdominal pains nausea vomiting and the big D. For the last couple of years she has refused to take me to the hospital when I was admitted she refused to come visit me and has actually left me vomiting and very dehydrated just so she could go out while she is saying I was faking so she wouldn't go somewhere. as we all know we have no control when we are going to have the symptoms of Crohns. I guess I'm very frustrated at her and I'm thinking that it's more than just the Crohns that is bothering her. I could never treat another individual like that especially not my spouse. Ok I'm sorry for the rage I just had to get that off my chest. :ywow::ywow::ywow:

Any advice is welcomed
 
If it's more than just the Crohn's you need to have a discussion with her about what it is. Have you considered couples counseling?
 
Definitely sounds like more than the crohn's. We will have been married for 20 years this October and my hubby just had his 20th Crappy Anniversary. I can't imagine ever leaving him like that. I will say I have gone out while he has stayed home and in those cases it was more a case of he had diarrhea and it was usually a family function where the kids and I would make a brief appearance and head home, he usually wants to be left alone near the bathroom at that point anyways but after 20 years I've learned when I can leave for a few hours and when I need to stay and take care of him.
I can't even imagine not taking you to the hospital or visiting. I'm usually the one that makes him go.
-
 
I appreciate the advice and I agree it's more than my illness. We tried counseling and I've tried everything I know to do but I physically am so tired I can't fight anymore. I recently had a flare that is starting to get better, fortunately I have some very good friends and a daughter that has helped. I hate to feel like I depend on someone but there are times when I feel so bad I just can't get going. I guess it's true as to when you are sick and you need someone the true friends are always there regardless.
 
MWK..,

Just checking to see how you are doing?
I hope things are going better. You do not deserve that, and i hope your wife has come around. It makes me very sad to think you have been left to take care of yourself at such a time.

You may not be able to make someone love you, but you dont have to put up with such treatment!!!

Let us know how you are doing and if your wife has come to her senses.
 
MWK..,

Just checking to see how you are doing?
I hope things are going better. You do not deserve that, and i hope your wife has come around. It makes me very sad to think you have been left to take care of yourself at such a time.

You may not be able to make someone love you, but you dont have to put up with such treatment!!!

Let us know how you are doing and if your wife has come to her senses.
Thank you Julie and I agree as it turns out the day I came home from colon surgery I caught my wife in the hot tub with my younger brother. I later found out they had been having an affair for 3 years. She actually told him to just wait and that I would be dead soon so they could be together. Wow what a shock I was devastated. I am currently going through a divorce she walked out and left me with everything to deal with. She acts as if she has no responsibility and I am having to deal with the banks and foreclosure and trying to get the house in shape for possible short sale. This has been a terrible time in my life as I just got out of the hospital and when I got home found that she had moved out. The next day I was laying in bed recouping from hospital and herbparents showed up with 2 friends and started loading up furniture that belonged to both of us so I got up and ran them off. I'm sorry to vent about a divorce on a crohns forum but I had to vent my frustrations and you guys are wonderful listeners.
 
Just take things one step at at a time and remember you have done nothing to deserve this. It is important that you look after yourself especially at this stressful time. Try to take some time each day just for you.
Take care and I hope things start to get better soon. :hug:
 
I'm sorry to vent about a divorce on a crohns forum but I had to vent my frustrations and you guys are wonderful listeners.
This forum is for people who suffer from Crohn's to support each other through whatever life throws at them, whether that's illness or something else, we are all here for you and I'm sorry you've had such a hard time, you deserve someone who will be as good to you as you have clearly been to your wife. I hope you;re doing ok and recovering from your surgery well.
 
MKW,

If we could, a bunch of us would come there and ward them OFF!!

But you do have to focus on getting better and keeping away from people like that. WOW!!

Do you have others that are still helping you when needed?
 
MKW,

If we could, a bunch of us would come there and ward them OFF!!

But you do have to focus on getting better and keeping away from people like that. WOW!!

Do you have others that are still helping you when needed?
Yes I have very good friends and my parents. My daughter has been wonderful
 
that is good to hear. Just so you know, you have support from all over the world now too :)

I hope you are able to find the right treatment for you, to get yourself in remission soon.
There is so much information on this forum that is helpful.

We all want to help each other/or our kids get better!!!
 
Yes, I am here and support you in any way you need that I can offer. We all support you. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Remember to lean on your support system. You are not a burden, you are worth it. I'm here to talk if you ever need it and the forum is always here for ranting and other such nonsense. Take care of yourself.
 
OMG! So, that's why she wouldn't take you to the hospital or visit you! :ywow:

With your own brother no less, how slimy!

In case her parents come back, rather than furniture, you may want to consider getting a box together with some whips, handcuffs and other embarrassing items to give to them instead, along with the explanation that it appears she and your brother left the box behind, and if they could please get it to them.

I am so sorry. You deserve so much better.
 
Thanks to all of you for your support. What is so sad she has lied to her parents and they think I'm making all of this up even when they know my brother has confessed to everything. Her father accused me of being gay and one of my best friends who is happily married and a good Christian. The only other thing he said to me was that I was going to have to pay dearly in child support and that I was worth nothing. I have gone through so many emotional feelings and even felt that no one would ever want me as a husband due to having crohns and from all of the negative things they said and then on top of that having my brother sleep with my wife. Oh and that's another issue my brother when I last talked to him told me that everybody was laughing at me cause I was having a hard time losing my wife and that he was the one that stole her away from me.
I'm sorry for the long rant but I'm very confused sad and really hurt over everything that has happened. I'm not sure as to what to do next but I'm slowly trying t hold up my head and just get through it. Again I thank all of you for your kind words and support it's good to know that there are good people in this world and a lot of them are on this forum.
 
MWK,

Do not try to rationalize their insensitive insanity.
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. It is time to get MAD!!! Kick them out of your life and embrace new friends and the loved ones who care for you.

For your own health, happiness and the future wife you WILL meet someday, move on past them as soon as you can. There are many loving people out there and many happily married people with Crohns.

You sound like an incredible guy!!!

Sometimes we literally have to push people away and that is OKAY.

sending all the support I can,
julie
 
I know someday I will look back on all of this and understand the why's and the what's. But right now it's hard to evaluate the magnitude of what has taken place. As I read about other people and their struggles and see how there spouses support them and are there along side this horrible journey I have to say I am envious to a point. I have come to sppreciate all of you ( spouses) habging in there and supporting your loved one in sickness and in health. For those of you who have a spouse or family or friend that has been there with you to support you please let them know how much you appreciate the things they do for you even the small stuff, because when you are dealing with a chronic disease itbplays a role on you not only physical but emotionally and the smallest of things can mean so much to us that struggle every day for just a smile. I am so happy to have found this forum and to read about all of the good things each of you share with total strangers, to me that is a miracle itself. Take just a minute and thank those that share in your journey whether you've known them for a long time or just chatted with them on this forum because there is no value as to the role they have played in your life.
God bless everyone and a special thank you to all of the fighters here on the forum you guys are awesome.
 
You may never figure out why people do and say the things they say. But one day you are going to have a loving family that you never have to wonder if they care, love you or if they are going to leave. I am not saying people dont have their ups and downs but most people are nothing like the ones you have had to deal with. Believe me, you did nothing wrong. You dont have to tell the ones that love you that you appreciate them all the time.... she just didnt care about anyone but herself. A kind word to each other goes a long way, but mothers, wives, and husbands take care of their loved ones.

How is your IBD? Are you doing better?
 
I have to have a scope on April 1st my GI thinks I have some inflammation going on and my D has picked up quite a bit. I'm still having abdominal pain and the nausea and vomiting. I know the added stress has contributed to my symptoms but I just can't do anything about that now. I know traveling through hard times makes you appreciate the good even more and I know there are good days ahead but boy do I want to get off of this train.
 
I know what you mean. I use to be fine with boring, and now I even want it back more :)

I have two ideas. Just so you know, I always have ideas :)

First one is to maybe try Kefir. I just started my daughter on it today and I am very hopeful. It makes sense to slowly introduce good bacteria back into your system.

The other is somewhat controversial and our daughter is too young and doesnt really fit the criteria: THC (cannabis). . It has done wonders for people including helping with pain, diarrhea and inflammation... you gain some weight back and you could use the "destress affect" too. There is a lot of information on this site if you are interested. It is medicinal.
 
Hope,

We drink kefir, every day. Have for many, many years and make our own for raw milk (only we pasteurize it ourselves first.). My husband actually hasn't had any flare since he started drinking kefir with me, but has other health issues.

Mwkwmn,

And I agree with Hope. Time for you to get mad, along with some righteous indignation.

Takes a pretty cruel and inhumane individual to find anyone's divorce amusing. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, and I doubt seriously there's any truth to his claim that everyone is alighting at you. More likely, they're horrified he has the nerve. If your brother had any decency, he'd be ashamed of himself.

No one wants to see themselves as the "bad guy", no one. Rather than accept responsibility for their own actions, they just "villainize their victim" so they can blame them instead.

This is what your brother and ex are doing. They're turning you into the "bad guy", so they absolve themselves, which is about as despicable as it gets. It's also a lie, and they're not just lying to you, but to themselves as well. Don't buy into their BS.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this. Please take care of yourself and remember, this too shall pass.
 
I really really appreciate your kind words and support. It's nice to hear that other people can see what is happening. I have been thru hell and I am the type of person that is very careing and would do anything for anyone to keep them from being hurt. I know I have to harden up my heart and stand up for myself and try to take in everything that both of them have done. Believe it or not it's hard for me to get mad even when they have hurt me so but I have reached the point where I am so tired of being hurt. I agree they have lied to themselves to me and everyone else and trying to blame me for what they have done. It's sad when you love someone so much that you belittle yourself to begging for any type of affection and you just get slapped in the face. I guess its hard for me to understand how people can treat you that way when I couldn't even imagine doing that to someone. I know I'm a good person and I didn't deserve this but the hurt is still real and hard to imagine the person you loved and trusted could do this. Life is strange and it seems that the people you love so much can do the most damage. Again I really appreciate your comments and I welcome any and all support because it's going to take everything I can mustard up to get through this.
 
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "I have reached the point of being so tired of being hurt." that is the point. You do not have to be a door mat to be caring. matter of fact when we care about ourselves, then we can care more for others. (I am talking to myself too).

What is it about some of us that we torture ourselves all day long over what they did, while they dont even have a conscience about it? Everyone has a right to be happy, but not at the expense of others.... so we have to move on!!!

I love this forum. Every one on here is so helpful, supportive and caring.
You have all of us, and now we have you :)

:hug: I know, I am way to mushy!!!
 

Karen

FRIEND 4 1 & ALL
mwkwmn ... I have been married to my husband for 35 years { in about ... 17 days from today } and so we have seen a lot of rough patch's over those many years ... he was there for me when I was pregnant and then he was there with me when I had my miscarriages and he was there for the day that I found out I was diabetic and that my friend was one of the hardest days for me ... But there has been a lot of good times between us as well ... watching our oldest son get married ... watching our youngest get engaged to a wonderful and very loving young man.

I have been there for him thru some hard times ... I was there at the Doctor's office when the GI specialist asked me " What do you think is wrong with your husband " I told him " I do believe that it's Crohn's " and he told me " YES IT IS " so I broke down and so however I did go with him when he checked into the hospital but I was there the morning they took him in for his colonoposy and I was also there throughout his time in and so ... I made that promise when we got married " In sickness and in health " so ... I was there for him and even if he had those bad days I was still there for him and so here we are into year 7 and so ... I am still there for him !!

So, what am I getting at ... I will be praying for you both and if you need a friend to talk with ... I am a click away !!!


:ghug: :ghug: :ghug:
 
It sounds like your wife is very selfish! What a horrible way to treat you because you are sick. I would NEVER treat my husband that way. She has got issues and I think she is being very self absorbed. I am sorry you are going through all this, it has to be hard with you being sick. She obviosuly was not paying attention when you got married when they say "in sickness and in health"! Maybe try counseling if she will go. I am so sorry. Sending
)))BIG(((hugs your way!!







:ywow: I have been fighting Crohns for 20 years and most of that time I was either dating my wife or married to her. In 20 years you would think she would know when I am sick and what happens when you get abdominal pains nausea vomiting and the big D. For the last couple of years she has refused to take me to the hospital when I was admitted she refused to come visit me and has actually left me vomiting and very dehydrated just so she could go out while she is saying I was faking so she wouldn't go somewhere. as we all know we have no control when we are going to have the symptoms of Crohns. I guess I'm very frustrated at her and I'm thinking that it's more than just the Crohns that is bothering her. I could never treat another individual like that especially not my spouse. Ok I'm sorry for the rage I just had to get that off my chest. :ywow::ywow::ywow:

Any advice is welcomed
 
I know someday I will look back on all of this and understand the why's and the what's. But right now it's hard to evaluate the magnitude of what has taken place. As I read about other people and their struggles and see how there spouses support them and are there along side this horrible journey I have to say I am envious to a point. I have come to sppreciate all of you ( spouses) habging in there and supporting your loved one in sickness and in health. For those of you who have a spouse or family or friend that has been there with you to support you please let them know how much you appreciate the things they do for you even the small stuff, because when you are dealing with a chronic disease itbplays a role on you not only physical but emotionally and the smallest of things can mean so much to us that struggle every day for just a smile. I am so happy to have found this forum and to read about all of the good things each of you share with total strangers, to me that is a miracle itself. Take just a minute and thank those that share in your journey whether you've known them for a long time or just chatted with them on this forum because there is no value as to the role they have played in your life.
God bless everyone and a special thank you to all of the fighters here on the forum you guys are awesome.
Great write MK!!! Glad to hear you are out there and making new friends on here. They are such a blessing, aren't they. Just wish we had a place where we could meet sometimes and just hug!!!:ghug:
 
Location
Missouri
To my friends here, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! We share so much, which is ironic since most of us have never met in person. Wouldn't want to do without any of you.....
 
As a update my wife is divorcing me and she has no emotions what so ever it's though as I didn't even exist. I am having a hard time because I loved someone who fell out of love with me and started having affairs and blamed me for the reason she fell out of love but still denying the affairs. My crohns has flared due to stress and I have to have a scope on April 1. This will be the first one without her there. I'm trying to find strength to get through this and I'm not doing a good job. I had to move in with my parents and I'm having to deal with the foreclosure of our house cause my wife has gotten her an apartment and has walked away from all ofvthe responsibilities this sucks so bad.
 
MKWMN,

I am so sorry you have to do this step to get on with your life. How can she blame anyone but herself for her actions? Do not let her make you feel like you are to blame for what she did.!!!!! and does that give her an excuse for her being so uncaring now? You have to remove yourself from the situation and see her for what she is. You need to get mad, and you will eventually. That is the only way to deal with people like that.

You are not deserving of her actions, and frankly no one would be.

so this is the beginning of your life surrounded by people who are worth being around. You will probably analyze this until you make yourself sick, and I wish you wouldnt. It is an important step for you to move on past that as quick as you can. Remember, you will never make sense out of her actions.

Having all of this happen at once, is hard, I know it is. But for now, you will be with parents who love you and that is so great.

This life is temporary and anyone who knows you, realizes this is not your fault. We are all here for you too.
Your health is very important, and you need to take care of yourself right now.

I wish you the best
 
Thank you so much I can't do anything but cry and hurt over everything. I have to go out to our house and start moving stuff and I just remember everything that happened in that house and most were bad memories. Just seeing her and my brother in the hot tub the reminder just hurts so bad. I so bad want to get through the grieving part but it seems to linger.
 
And it will linger for awhile, but then slowly you will start to feel it lift. You will find things or people which make you feel better and your life will change. Some day, you'll wake up and smile and thank God you are alive, because someone out there loves you and she is all you ever wanted!!!:Karl:
 
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all of your support. Stress is huge factor in crohns and unfortunately we encounter stress of all kinds that directly impact our condition. It's good to know that there are people whom we don't even know except through this forum that we can vent to and they show compassion and care. I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart because it means so much to me.
 
Location
Missouri
Stress is most definately a factor, and most of us internalize our stress it seems. Do you take anything for your nerves or depression? Sending hugs to you right now....I know it sucks, but remember that God has MUCH MORE in store for you, better and lasting.
 
Yes they started me on zoloft and adivan which does help. I believe god has something better for me and I know I have to be patient. I'm doing the very best I can at this time and hope soon I will be able to get mad and replace all of the hurt.
 
Location
Missouri
When things get really stressful, and I don't think I can take ONE MORE THING....I think of this story:
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

The story is told about some women in a Bible study who were puzzled by this verse.
They wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God allowing us to be in fires of life, then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it."

(Original source of this story unknown.)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Stress is huge factor in crohns and unfortunately we encounter stress of all kinds that directly impact our condition.
Hello
I found that stress really aggravated my Crohns. I was lucky to get some therapy and I found this really helpful. My therapist introduced me to mindfulness (http://www.freemindfulness.org/download) and I have found that taking 10-15 mins a day just to relax, breathe and listen to some soothing music has helped me to focus on me and not my troubles.
I know you are going through a really tough time at the moment but things will get better and you have a lot of people on here that care about you and are rooting for you.
Take care and make some time every day just for you - you deserve it!
Hugs 😎
 
mwkmwn, I hope you have retained a lawyer -- a good lawyer. You need someone who will fight like a bulldog to make sure your soon-to-be-ex will not push you around in court and have you come out of the divorce worse than what you're already dealing with. Make sure you know your rights!
 
That is understandable I believe I am in the middle of the fire right now. I for the life of me do not know why I am not able to handle this I guess I'm in shock. Thanks for the kind words
 
:hallo3: hey everyone I just wanted to give everyone a update. I think I have started slowly getting angry as I woke up this morning not feeling as if everything is so grim. that being said I am starting to get a little angry and this is not my norm. I hope this feeling takes over as it is more bearable than the sadness and hurt. I know I may go back and forth with my feelings but I think this is progress, and most important my stomach is actually feeling better this morning also. I know it will be a long road and I hope I have not overstepped my boundaries in focusing on more of what has happened to me than just the crohns component. I felt though this is such a good support group and the stress we go through directly effects our disease. Again thanks for your ongoing support and I will keep you updated as I endure this journey.:hallo3:

Mark
 
Hi again sweetie!
I 'm glad the anger kicked in, it really does help you through. I was angry for 18 of the 20 yrs. with my first husband. When he committed suicide, it made me even angrier because it was to hurt me again and my kids. It eventually faded to, I don't care anymore, Life goes on. But, it affected my kids in such a detrimental way. They both got hooked on heroin for 8-10 yrs. My son is clean one yr. and daughter is still on medication for it. It may never go away for her, (that craving) but God can take it away. I know people who have had that happen. Hang in there tough guy! You are doing great and we are all praying for you!!!!!:ghug:
 
I can't tell you how it makes you feel so weak not strong but looking at it from the outside with everything I've been dealing with it does take a strong person to get through it. I know god has given me that strength and I'm looking forward to getting stronger. Thanks again for all support.
 
I live in a marriage where my spouse knows he can do anything. Because where am I going to go? I've cut off a lot of relationships because it's just too hard to attend many family gatherings, wedding, funerals, etc. Have you ever noticed that most get-togethers revolve around food? Well, food doesn't like me. Travelling is hard. And I can't just go out and work a normal schedule. I'm glad that I have a computer to write to people who know that this disease affect everything. I cannot find understanding anywhere else.
 
Mwkmn: Yes!!! So glad you are feeling better. and not letting others get the best of you!!

My dear Crossroads, I had no idea you have dealt with so much too.

Misunderstood: You do have us, that is for sure, but no one has the right to "do anything" to you just because you are sick....

hugs to all!!!!
 
Everyone here is awesome to talk to. No matter what the problems are you guys are supportive and comforting as we each travel down our lifes path. For someone to take advantage of someone with this disease is terrible. Instead we should receive support and comfort especially from our loved ones. I can only hope that going through this pain will make me a stronger person and to realize that people are not as understandable as we would hope so we have to seek that support from the people that knows what we are dealing with. Hugs to everyone and hope that someday these tears of sadness will be replaced with tears of happiness.
 
:poo:Hey guys I'm hurting really bad on my lower right side and having the big D. I know it's from all of the stress I am going through but I definitely think I am in the middle of a flare. Even taking lortab 10 it's not controlling the pain and I am miserable. I have a follow up with my primary care physician whom ideally like on Tuesday and I go to St Louis Sunday to be scoped by my GI. I hope I can make it till then. I I'm I know the stress is going to continue but does anyone have any suggestions to lessen the flare. You all are so knowledgeable and I value your opinions and suggestions greatly.
Thank you
Mark:ybatty:
 
:poo:Hey guys I'm hurting really bad on my lower right side and having the big D. I know it's from all of the stress I am going through but I definitely think I am in the middle of a flare. Even taking lortab 10 it's not controlling the pain and I am miserable. I have a follow up with my primary care physician whom ideally like on Tuesday and I go to St Louis Sunday to be scoped by my GI. I hope I can make it till then. I I'm I know the stress is going to continue but does anyone have any suggestions to lessen the flare. You all are so knowledgeable and I value your opinions and suggestions greatly.
Thank you
Mark:ybatty:
I wish I could help you M. But I don't know. My suggestion would be to talk to Dusty or David, forum administrator. They have great knowledge!!! I will try to get them to come to this site and talk to you> ok?
 

DustyKat

Super Moderator
It is good to hear that you have appointments coming up!

The one thing I would suggest that may help rest the bowel and reduce symptoms is EEN (Exclusive Enteral Nutrition) There are various products available that can be taken orally, have a look at the EEN forum. The top sticky has loads of info. It will provide you with all your nutritional requirements without stressing the bowel.

If that is not an option then go to low residue foods. Some people find the BRAT (an acronym for Banana, Rice, Apple sauce, Toast) diet helpful, it is essentially low residue. The foods are bland and tend to be 'white' in colour.

Dusty. xxx
 
It is good to hear that you have appointments coming up!

The one thing I would suggest that may help rest the bowel and reduce symptoms is EEN (Exclusive Enteral Nutrition) There are various products available that can be taken orally, have a look at the EEN forum. The top sticky has loads of info. It will provide you with all your nutritional requirements without stressing the bowel.

If that is not an option then go to low residue foods. Some people find the BRAT (an acronym for Banana, Rice, Apple sauce, Toast) diet helpful, it is essentially low residue. The foods are bland and tend to be 'white' in colour.

Dusty. xxx
Thankyou Dusty, I should of thought of the brat diet,because it did help me. I just couldn't think of anything.
 
Location
Missouri
Well then it's a bit closer for you than it is for me, just sounded farther for you since you are in another state. I complain about having to drive 30 miles for a scope the day after I prep, lol! Yes, after all these years with Crohn's, I still whine about some aspects of it.
 
Hey guys I'm sorry for venting But the day for the divorce is getting closer and my wife could care less.. Why am I the one hurting and feel awful when I know she doesn't care and I know she's had affairs and has treated me as bad as you can treat someone who is sick but yet I am so upset and sad because of getting divorced. Have I just totally lost my mind or something. I am making my crohns worse I cant sleep I'm getting depresses and don't want to do anything. What is wrong with me.
 
Location
Missouri
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you....you are going thru the normal grieving process that you should. Keep praying, find things to make you laugh, whether it be a tv show, something you read, friends, etc. I used to call 2-3 good friends whenever I would be depressed over my Crohn's...they would let me vent, then get me laughing, knowing I had to do both to get to the other side. We'll have you in our prayers, and you keep praying too, he's with you.
I would not want to be her, by the time all she's done catches up with her.
 
She has said everything that I would, except that we love you and care about you and never give up! You are a truely good man and God has something much better planned for your life. You just have to get through this first and you will. He that is in you is stronger than he who is in the world! That is a great verse to stand on when you are feeling weak. You are the stronger because you have Christ in you! Remember that always! Don't be defeated!!!!:ghug:
 
Location
Missouri
When I felt like everything was crashing down around me, the verse that helped me was "Be still and know that I am God"....I have to make myself let go and give it all to him, knowing HE knows the whys and wheres and whens.
 
When I felt like everything was crashing down around me, the verse that helped me was "Be still and know that I am God"....I have to make myself let go and give it all to him, knowing HE knows the whys and wheres and whens.
Amen, so true!:Karl::Karl::Karl:
 
Hi guys I always seem to want to talk about this horrible issue when I'm feeling down. I have to admit this is hard to admit since I'm a guy and suppose to be macho lol but here goes. Ever since I found out about my wife having her affair with my brother I tried everything to get her to keep me. I lost all self confidence because I felt like no one would want me due to me having health issues. I thought that if I got a divorce I would be alone the rest of my life. These are horrible feelings to have but I think it was partly brought on by her looking elsewhere for attention or whatever you want to call it. I am having a terrible time accepting my marriage is over even though I know she was horrible to me. I'm struggling everyday and start crying when I thinkbof the happy times we had. I'm really confused in that I don't know what to do or how to feel. I know I did nothing to cause this and she tries to blame me for minor things that is ridiculous. The hard part is I loved her with all my heart and now I have someone who can't stand me and lives her life as if we were never married. I'm sorry for continuing to talk about this horrible ordeal but I have to vent to people that maybe can help me get through this. I am a person that never gets angry and always tries to keep peace. I love people and try to see the good in them so this is an area I'm not use to. I feel like I want tobget so angry but I usually end up just crying and trying to understand what happened which is a waste of time. The hurt is continuous and a since that no one would want to be with me. I'm out of answers and I don't know what to do all I know is that I am miserable and I just want peace and happiness. Please any and all advice is greatly appreciated.
 
I know it is hard when a relationship breaks down and especially when you feel betrayed by your wife and your brother.
I think you are going through a grieving process and you need to recognise that there are various stages that you will go through over the next few months.
Just try to remember that this is not your fault and hopefully things will start to sort themselves out. Small steps.
You are still a caring, loving person and this horrible experience will not change that.
Take care. 😎
 
I agree with ceeceego
It is a grieving process, one I don't envy you. I have been there though and it does take awhile. Just take it one day at a time. I promise you everyday and then week that passes by, it will get easier for you. Especially once it is final and you don't have to have contact any longer. For now, put yourself into something to keep busy. Plant flowers as soon as the weather breaks. Join a club or church group for men.Read the Bible because it will teach you great things about why you were made and how to put your life in His Hands.
Just keep talking till you feel better and crying when needed. OK? :ghug:
 

Karen

FRIEND 4 1 & ALL
mw ... We are all FAMILY here and we are all here for each other ... So count me in as a friend { that is if you will have me } I have seen a lot of things happen with my hubby over the many years and with his Crohn's & I am very thankful to the Lord above for keeping him well ... SO, I am here for you and all the other's who come in after you !!!

:ghug: :ghug:
 
I hope your doing ok. I know it's really hard on you right now and it's hard to trust that emotionally things will get better. Just keep reaching out and the support you get will help you through.

Lauren
 
Thank you for the kind words it makes it especially hard when your dealing with someone you don't know anymore. It's a very sad time and hurtful I just keep praying for the courage and strength to get through this.
 

DustyKat

Super Moderator
I am so sorry to hear of all you are going through. :hug:

You will get through this, I know it is too hard for you see it just now but you will. The reason you are feeling the way you do is because you are a caring and compassionate person, if you didn't have those qualities then the journey would be easier for you deal with but not having them would make you like your wife and that is not the type of person you want to be.

Please remember one thing, this is not about you. This is not about what you have or haven't done, it is about the betrayal of your wife and brother. Be kind to yourself and know that the range of emotions you are feeling are normal, natural and just. Working through them will allow you heal and move on.

We are here for you so when you feel the need to vent or unload please don't hesitate and there is certainly no need to apologise. :)

Dusty. xxx
 
Dusty I appreciate yout kind words and thoughts. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your concurs. I am very compassionate and I will not change that for anyone.
 
No need to thank me, hon, not at all. You WILL get thru this...and it's not worth your health, she's taken enough already.
You have helped me so much and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to read my vents. I lost a lot of friends because what some don't know is at the same time all this is going on my wife and I were equal partners in some medical companies and my business partner did a hostile take over due to my soon to be ex having the affair and I was having a difficult time. I am litigating this and have not been paid since Feb 2012. The partner told all of my employees/friends if they talked to me they would be fired.
 
I want to thank all of you for your support during this horrible time. I'm having the worst time trying to deal with this and most days the depression and anxiety wins. This has definitely affectedly crohns and I feel like I need to be doing something but I really just don't feel like it. My soon to be ex is going bout with friends and having fun while I am fighting for my sanity it seems. I'm sorry to keep talking about this but I dont know what else to do.
 
Location
Missouri
Sometimes, all you can do is keep praying and telling yourself that "this too, shall pass"....and it will, I promise you, it will. Do your best to take care of yourself for us, eat when and what you can, even if it's little bits, take your medicines, and know that we all care so much.
 

scottsma

Well-known member
Location
Tynemouth,
Just get through one day at a time.Don't try to imagine what tomorrow will be like.It might surprise you,and turn out to be slightly better than today.Life is difficult for most people,especially those alone.Try to think of,or look at or listen to something nice each day.Plan little things to do in the future,and remember every cloud has a silver lining,even if it's difficult to see today.Best Wishes.
 
I totally agree with Scottsma - at this time try not to think too much about the future - just take each day as it comes and appreciate the good things even the really small things like someone smiling at you or thanking you.

Do you have a song/piece of music/poem/passage from a book that cheers you up or can give you a lift? My song is Papa Can You Hear Me? from the film Yentl. It really helps me.

Take care. Hopefully this may make you smile.

image.jpg
 
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Just an update through all that is going on right now the depression and anxiety was at a very high level and I went and saw my primary physician whom put me on some medication to help me get through this horrible time. My son who is 16 won't hardly come see me and that really hurts. I have talked with him daily and I know he is at that age where he wants to be with friends but I think it's his way of dealing with the separation. My crohns has improved to some degree and I thin it's due to the medicine helping with depression and anxiety. I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated all of your support. I know someday there will be happiness again. Stress plays such an important role in crohns that trying anything to decrease your stress can be very beneficial. Again thank you for all of your support and together we all can fightvwhatever obstacles occur and get through the days when we thank we can't go on.
 
That is right!!! I am glad you got something to help you. take whatever you need to help right now.
Take Melatonin to help you sleep, Rest is important.
Do some fun things for yourself. You need and deserve it!!
take care and thank you for your support too.
 
God bless you friend and I am so happy you have done this for yourself. I too take something when needed for anxiety. When you have been thru stress almost your entire life and you feel you can't handle anymore, that is what medicine is for. The true purpose, to help you when you truly need it. Things will get better in time and you are starting to see that. Don't let others control how you feel. Know you are who God made you to be and you have a great purpose and are now going to go forward into that.... Prayers work !!!:ghug:
 
This is very true prayers do work and I have prayed for god to show me what course I need to take. It's been very difficult but with god anything is possible. Thanks so much my good friend.
 
Mwkwmm,

Good to hear your doctor provided you with some meds which seem to be helping you through this difficult time. You are stronger than you may feel right now, and you will get through this. I'm sorry to hear your relationship with your son isn't where you'd like it to be, but it's good to hear that you recognize that he's just at that age where he's spending most of his time with his friends, which is normal for a 16 year old.

 
The depression is getting some better but my wife is being very cold when we have to talk about things we need to work out. My brother keeps testing horrible texts messages because I won't forget what he did and be friends with him. I don't want to even talk to him. I'm taking it one day at a time and some days are very rough. I am waiting for the anger to set in and I know someday it will get here. My crohns has settled down and that part is doing good. Thanks for listening any and all advice is welcome.
 
The depression is getting some better but my wife is being very cold when we have to talk about things we need to work out. My brother keeps testing horrible texts messages because I won't forget what he did and be friends with him. I don't want to even talk to him. I'm taking it one day at a time and some days are very rough. I am waiting for the anger to set in and I know someday it will get here. My crohns has settled down and that part is doing good. Thanks for listening any and all advice is welcome.
I know you don't want to hear this but, forgiveness is necessary for you to heal and move on. Anger is overated anyway. If you forgive your brother, it will ease so much pain in your heart. If you donot forgive, G cannot forgive you. Your wife participated willingly and who knows, may have iniciated(Spellcheck?) it, so why anger at him? Growing as a person includes forgiveness along with pain.:ghug:
 
I know you don't want to hear this but, forgiveness is necessary for you to heal and move on. Anger is overated anyway. If you forgive your brother, it will ease so much pain in your heart. If you donot forgive, G cannot forgive you. Your wife participated willingly and who knows, may have iniciated(Spellcheck?) it, so why anger at him? Growing as a person includes forgiveness along with pain.:ghug:
I find the act of forgiving those who have wronged me to be very healing. But grieving's a process, and when the wound runs deep, it can be a very long, and drawn out. Takes considerable time to work through the stages, and sort through the various emotions we need to experience, in order to heal. The stages are nonlinear, and can flip flop and recycle, but at the end of this journey, we finally reach the conclusion, gaining acceptance, coming to terms with our loss. Performing the final act of forgiveness, can then bring peace and closure, but that comes a long way down the road.

Divorce is painful because it represents loss of all that was, and could have been. When compounded by betrayal of infidelity, the pain is excruciatingly profound. Getting past the initial devastation alone normally takes about a year, and depending on a number of factors, full recovery averages between 2-5 years. It's only been a couple of months.

Experiencing anger and resentment is a natural response to divorce that is pretty much universal. It can be very constructive in helping to detach emotionally from your former spouse, and enables us to face situations that would otherwise be intolerable. Anger fuels us with the energy and motives us to take action to bring an end to our pain. It also staves off depression, which is paralyzingly. Anger becomes destructive if you allow yourself to remain stuck in it too long, or if expressed in destructive ways.

Jesus himself not only expressed anger on several occasions, but upon discovering his father's temper had been turned into a "den of thieves" he became violent, overturning tables and fashioning a whip to drive them out. I somehow doubt that God holds us to higher standards.

For everything, there is a season. There are times where anger is the proper response, and I would say that for your own brother to have an affair with your wife, resulting in your divorce, fits the criteria.

There is a season for forgiveness as well, and in time, hopefully that day will come. But today is probably not that day.
 
You are so right and I am just starting to get a litle angry. I've been in the depression mode for sometime and had to be put on medication for that. A you said divorce is one thing but betrayal from your wife and brother was a doublep whamy.
Im syriving for peace within myself and I hqvpe to let go completely and start my life over. My wife became very self centered and she only thought of herself and thats not the woman I married. Im not perfect but i didn't deserve what happened and it will be a long time before i forgive both of them.
 
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