First off it's a friday after a long week at work and i'm relaxing at home getting a little buzz on so i'm on an up at the moment.:thumright::drink:
Also this is fairly long so don't worry if you can't finish it or you just want to skim read. It was mainly just written for myself as a vent and as a topic to get other peoples thoughts on.
The reason i'm here is mainly that I know pretty much no one with a crohnic illness or mental health issues and just wanted some contact with folks that understand.
I say no one but actually i did meet my first fellow crohn's sufferer recently after 20yrs of living with it. It was really out of the blue. I was having some drinks with a bunch of work colleges and i just happened to mention i had crohn's to this kid that i had been working on a design project with. He's around 22 and he was like 'oh really!? I have a friend who has that.' Turns out that friend was him and he was just a little nervous. Well being 5 years older i guess i'd learnt to be a bit more open (or at least to force myself to be when the opportunity presented itself) and we got chatting, it took me by surprise because i'd been working closely with him for a few months and despite him being off for a day every month (infliximab) I never knew. Even more strange, on a separate drinking occasion (i don't drink a lot but the pub is opposite the office, lol) we were chatting with this girl, also in her 20s, who we'd worked with for a year and turns out she has colitis. All three of us were so surprised. Unfortunately they've both moved on but i keep in touch with the guy and the girl is coming back but she's gone travelling. Anyway that wasn't even the subject of my post, i just tend to get into the details. Just goes to show though, people will never know unless you tell them.
So my actual reason for posting is a little less light hearted but i'll give this a go. This is the one thing i'm really bad at opening up about. Ever since i became ill at age 7 i've suffered from severe depression. What i wanted from you guys is just to know, if you suffer from depression or a similar mental illness alongside your IBD how do you cope?
I'm quite introverted so have only really talked with a couple of close friends about this who have also had bouts of depression but it's never really led anywhere. I don't like to talk to my parents about it because my mum is the type of person who would just try and 'love' the depression out of me (in that extremely motherly, sometimes smothering way) while at the same time feeling helpless, i love her too much to tell her I think about suicide every day and that i've had the proverbial noose around my neck more times than I can count but never had the guts to jump. It would break her heart and cause her too much pain which is also one reason i've never followed though. My father on the other hand is quite old fashioned in the sense he keeps his real emotions to himself and wouldn't feel comfortable having any deep conversations. Probably due to his parents, my grandparents, my grandad was a soldier and they just sent him to bording school, despite being english he also grew up in South Africa where it is commonplace to have black nannies and house keepers so they were never very hands on. Me and him sort of have a mutual understanding when it comes to love, we love eachother but it's usually shown in a more...practial...way, i guess. Basically he just wants me to be happy and have a good life but instead of saying it or being affectionate he helps me with 'life' on general, school or work that kind of thing, recently it was filing my first tax return and he would always be there to support me in the way people say he would literally give me the shirt of his back. He's often said he wishes he could take my crohn's and suffer it for me so i could be healthy.
Anyway, I digress. So for as long as I can remember, it's been me and myself, trapped in my head, it can be lonely sometimes but like most I have up days and down days. Today my mum mentioned one of her friends sons had gone through some depression and had therapy and for some reason I mentioned maybe I need some therapy. She seemed more oblivious than I thought to my depression but then again when ever anyone asks how i am i just say "i'm fine, thanks" it's almost like a reflex now. Anyway she said she would help me book an appointment with the therapist which i guess can only be a good thing. I've seen a couple in my life but have only ever lasted a couple months at most, also i wasn't a huge fan of the meds, not only because i put enough into my body as it is but they have a strange hollow feeling, not in a sad way, more in a nothing way. I'm starting to think though that anything is better than 'just dealing' and i'd hate to do anything i regretted.
Just as a (quite long) summary of what's happening in my body and head. I've had quite severe crohn's since I was 7 (now 27) so was a pretty sick kid. Around 4yrs ago just as i was starting uni, the meds were no longer enough to carry me and I had my large bowel removed and now live with a permanent illeostomy. It was life and death and i feel so much better as a result but it is a recurring trigger for my depression. I am very very insecure to the point where I value myself less than literally everyone else; I don't think I can do things because I'm afraid I'm living a pointless existence. I think i suffer from anxiety (although never diagnosed) because I am constantly battling with wanting to do things like travel, move/work outside London, but when it comes to the crunch I always bottle it even small things like buying a gift for someone makes me nervous; a lot of the time I feel like people have certain expectations and standards that I should be following which sometimes manifest in a bit of paranoia. I "know" (as in i've talked myself into thinking it's definitely the case, when it's probably not) that people wonder, 'why is he 27 and still living with his parents?', 'why is he still single, is there something wrong with him?', 'why did he buy that as a gift? he's so unimaginative and boring' because, if I'm thinking that about myself then surely others must be? The feeling that I'm failing and that everyone else thinks I'm failing just makes me more anxious and depressed. Which brings me to the last thing; I suffer from depression, which i hear is common in people with cronic illness and I'm pretty sure by now that it is an acute case but due to the whole stigma and misinterpretation, and along with my other problems, i've never wanted to face it. I have opened up to certain people before, people i though i loved and who i thought loved me but that always turned into a tragedy and ended up with me alone feeling worse and hating myself for showing myself to be so weak and pathetic.
'Phew' *wipes sweat of forehead* So after that rather lengthy expulsion of what I'm currently thinking, I go back to my original question, which is for anyone and everyone but specifically those who deal with mental health issues.
How do you cope? If you have succeeded in tackling it of found a good way to deal, how did that come about? basically I guess I just want some other peoples stories, whether you're currently battling, have survived or whether you think you've got some valuable wisdom. I'd love to hear from you.
Also this is fairly long so don't worry if you can't finish it or you just want to skim read. It was mainly just written for myself as a vent and as a topic to get other peoples thoughts on.
The reason i'm here is mainly that I know pretty much no one with a crohnic illness or mental health issues and just wanted some contact with folks that understand.
I say no one but actually i did meet my first fellow crohn's sufferer recently after 20yrs of living with it. It was really out of the blue. I was having some drinks with a bunch of work colleges and i just happened to mention i had crohn's to this kid that i had been working on a design project with. He's around 22 and he was like 'oh really!? I have a friend who has that.' Turns out that friend was him and he was just a little nervous. Well being 5 years older i guess i'd learnt to be a bit more open (or at least to force myself to be when the opportunity presented itself) and we got chatting, it took me by surprise because i'd been working closely with him for a few months and despite him being off for a day every month (infliximab) I never knew. Even more strange, on a separate drinking occasion (i don't drink a lot but the pub is opposite the office, lol) we were chatting with this girl, also in her 20s, who we'd worked with for a year and turns out she has colitis. All three of us were so surprised. Unfortunately they've both moved on but i keep in touch with the guy and the girl is coming back but she's gone travelling. Anyway that wasn't even the subject of my post, i just tend to get into the details. Just goes to show though, people will never know unless you tell them.
So my actual reason for posting is a little less light hearted but i'll give this a go. This is the one thing i'm really bad at opening up about. Ever since i became ill at age 7 i've suffered from severe depression. What i wanted from you guys is just to know, if you suffer from depression or a similar mental illness alongside your IBD how do you cope?
I'm quite introverted so have only really talked with a couple of close friends about this who have also had bouts of depression but it's never really led anywhere. I don't like to talk to my parents about it because my mum is the type of person who would just try and 'love' the depression out of me (in that extremely motherly, sometimes smothering way) while at the same time feeling helpless, i love her too much to tell her I think about suicide every day and that i've had the proverbial noose around my neck more times than I can count but never had the guts to jump. It would break her heart and cause her too much pain which is also one reason i've never followed though. My father on the other hand is quite old fashioned in the sense he keeps his real emotions to himself and wouldn't feel comfortable having any deep conversations. Probably due to his parents, my grandparents, my grandad was a soldier and they just sent him to bording school, despite being english he also grew up in South Africa where it is commonplace to have black nannies and house keepers so they were never very hands on. Me and him sort of have a mutual understanding when it comes to love, we love eachother but it's usually shown in a more...practial...way, i guess. Basically he just wants me to be happy and have a good life but instead of saying it or being affectionate he helps me with 'life' on general, school or work that kind of thing, recently it was filing my first tax return and he would always be there to support me in the way people say he would literally give me the shirt of his back. He's often said he wishes he could take my crohn's and suffer it for me so i could be healthy.
Anyway, I digress. So for as long as I can remember, it's been me and myself, trapped in my head, it can be lonely sometimes but like most I have up days and down days. Today my mum mentioned one of her friends sons had gone through some depression and had therapy and for some reason I mentioned maybe I need some therapy. She seemed more oblivious than I thought to my depression but then again when ever anyone asks how i am i just say "i'm fine, thanks" it's almost like a reflex now. Anyway she said she would help me book an appointment with the therapist which i guess can only be a good thing. I've seen a couple in my life but have only ever lasted a couple months at most, also i wasn't a huge fan of the meds, not only because i put enough into my body as it is but they have a strange hollow feeling, not in a sad way, more in a nothing way. I'm starting to think though that anything is better than 'just dealing' and i'd hate to do anything i regretted.
Just as a (quite long) summary of what's happening in my body and head. I've had quite severe crohn's since I was 7 (now 27) so was a pretty sick kid. Around 4yrs ago just as i was starting uni, the meds were no longer enough to carry me and I had my large bowel removed and now live with a permanent illeostomy. It was life and death and i feel so much better as a result but it is a recurring trigger for my depression. I am very very insecure to the point where I value myself less than literally everyone else; I don't think I can do things because I'm afraid I'm living a pointless existence. I think i suffer from anxiety (although never diagnosed) because I am constantly battling with wanting to do things like travel, move/work outside London, but when it comes to the crunch I always bottle it even small things like buying a gift for someone makes me nervous; a lot of the time I feel like people have certain expectations and standards that I should be following which sometimes manifest in a bit of paranoia. I "know" (as in i've talked myself into thinking it's definitely the case, when it's probably not) that people wonder, 'why is he 27 and still living with his parents?', 'why is he still single, is there something wrong with him?', 'why did he buy that as a gift? he's so unimaginative and boring' because, if I'm thinking that about myself then surely others must be? The feeling that I'm failing and that everyone else thinks I'm failing just makes me more anxious and depressed. Which brings me to the last thing; I suffer from depression, which i hear is common in people with cronic illness and I'm pretty sure by now that it is an acute case but due to the whole stigma and misinterpretation, and along with my other problems, i've never wanted to face it. I have opened up to certain people before, people i though i loved and who i thought loved me but that always turned into a tragedy and ended up with me alone feeling worse and hating myself for showing myself to be so weak and pathetic.
'Phew' *wipes sweat of forehead* So after that rather lengthy expulsion of what I'm currently thinking, I go back to my original question, which is for anyone and everyone but specifically those who deal with mental health issues.
How do you cope? If you have succeeded in tackling it of found a good way to deal, how did that come about? basically I guess I just want some other peoples stories, whether you're currently battling, have survived or whether you think you've got some valuable wisdom. I'd love to hear from you.