Hello everyone,
I've been seeing a man for three months now. He has Crohn's. While I knew he had it from when we first got together (a mutual friend let it slip), I didn't bring it up or mention it until he did, about 2 weeks in. We had a very intense initial connection and I had made background research to educate myself, so when he mentioned he had it and asked me if I knew what it was, I said yes. He said the only difference it made for him at the moment was that he had to use the bathroom more often and watch what he eats.
Of course that's not the only difference the disease would make to him and over the course of our discussions I've been able to tell that it has profoundly affected him, to the point where he hates when people bring up his disease because he doesn't want to think back on the pain. He's admitted that, if he knew he had to go through the pain again, even knowing he'd come out of it fine, he would strongly consider killing himself instead of going through it.
We started getting intimate very early into dating, but up until recently he wouldn't take off his shirt because of the scars from surgery. After it happened I made sure to let him know I still find him just as attractive as before, even a little bit more so. He smiled and thanked me.
I try my hardest to be supportive - when we're out on dates and he has to lengthily excuse himself I don't mind, when we have to stop halfway while being intimate I don't mind, when I buy food for myself and I know I'll be seeing him I pick foods that don't contain stuff he can't eat just so I can share some with him if he wants.
The problem is that, since he has made it so clear that he doesn't like talking about it, I tend not to bring it up. For instance, I don't know what kind of Crohn's he has, or whether he is currently taking medication, or when his last flare-up was. Lately when we've been together he's had to use the bathroom more and I don't know if that's a normal fluctuation or possibly something worse. All I know is what foods he can't eat, and I feel bad bringing it up (such as "hey, that might contain milk, you sure you can have that?") because I know it's got to be annoying - at the same time I'm coming from a place where I don't want him to be in pain.
The situation is further exacerbated by the ambiguity of what we are - we're not officially girlfriend/boyfriend but we spend a great amount of time together, are not seeing anyone else, and the couple of common friends we do have tell me that even though I've only known him for a short time I "know" him better than the majority of people. It's frustrating to me then that I know so much yet have no idea what to do in the face of this horrible disease.
I'm sorry I've made this so long - my succinct question I guess would be, should I bring it up and ask him for more details? Even just ask him what he wants me to do? Or just follow what he said once that he doesn't like people talking to him about it (the context was a discussion about euthanasia, how people who don't understand what pain is like would be more likely to be against euthanasia because they just can't grasp it) and trust that he will tell me what I need to know?
I just want to be supportive as best as I can. He's told me he thinks the world is a better place just by virtue of my being in it so I know he cares about me and wants me around still - I just don't know how to handle knowing he has Crohn's yet knowing so little about it (directly pertaining to him). Any insight would be appreciated.
I've been seeing a man for three months now. He has Crohn's. While I knew he had it from when we first got together (a mutual friend let it slip), I didn't bring it up or mention it until he did, about 2 weeks in. We had a very intense initial connection and I had made background research to educate myself, so when he mentioned he had it and asked me if I knew what it was, I said yes. He said the only difference it made for him at the moment was that he had to use the bathroom more often and watch what he eats.
Of course that's not the only difference the disease would make to him and over the course of our discussions I've been able to tell that it has profoundly affected him, to the point where he hates when people bring up his disease because he doesn't want to think back on the pain. He's admitted that, if he knew he had to go through the pain again, even knowing he'd come out of it fine, he would strongly consider killing himself instead of going through it.
We started getting intimate very early into dating, but up until recently he wouldn't take off his shirt because of the scars from surgery. After it happened I made sure to let him know I still find him just as attractive as before, even a little bit more so. He smiled and thanked me.
I try my hardest to be supportive - when we're out on dates and he has to lengthily excuse himself I don't mind, when we have to stop halfway while being intimate I don't mind, when I buy food for myself and I know I'll be seeing him I pick foods that don't contain stuff he can't eat just so I can share some with him if he wants.
The problem is that, since he has made it so clear that he doesn't like talking about it, I tend not to bring it up. For instance, I don't know what kind of Crohn's he has, or whether he is currently taking medication, or when his last flare-up was. Lately when we've been together he's had to use the bathroom more and I don't know if that's a normal fluctuation or possibly something worse. All I know is what foods he can't eat, and I feel bad bringing it up (such as "hey, that might contain milk, you sure you can have that?") because I know it's got to be annoying - at the same time I'm coming from a place where I don't want him to be in pain.
The situation is further exacerbated by the ambiguity of what we are - we're not officially girlfriend/boyfriend but we spend a great amount of time together, are not seeing anyone else, and the couple of common friends we do have tell me that even though I've only known him for a short time I "know" him better than the majority of people. It's frustrating to me then that I know so much yet have no idea what to do in the face of this horrible disease.
I'm sorry I've made this so long - my succinct question I guess would be, should I bring it up and ask him for more details? Even just ask him what he wants me to do? Or just follow what he said once that he doesn't like people talking to him about it (the context was a discussion about euthanasia, how people who don't understand what pain is like would be more likely to be against euthanasia because they just can't grasp it) and trust that he will tell me what I need to know?
I just want to be supportive as best as I can. He's told me he thinks the world is a better place just by virtue of my being in it so I know he cares about me and wants me around still - I just don't know how to handle knowing he has Crohn's yet knowing so little about it (directly pertaining to him). Any insight would be appreciated.