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Outsider seeking help & advice...

Hi. I am touched at the messages I have read. You have a wonderful support group here and I feel like an intruder. However, I am asking for help and guidance. My son is dating and in love with a wonderful girl who has crohns. He wants to ask her to marry him. What is the best thing I can do to support and help him? What can he expect and what insurance options are there out there for a struggling young married couple in this situation?
Thanks for listening.
Zowie ")
 

AndiGirl

Your Story Forum Monitor
Thank you, Zowie! Welcome to the forum. I am happy to share that I have been the engaged girl with Crohns. Whether or not my mother-in-law thinks that I am wonderful is debatable. She's a nice southern belle and I'm a yankee, but that's another story. LOL!

I work for the Anchorage School District, so I decided to sign up for the health insurance plan. I have EBMS. It may not be as widely known as Blue Cross/Blue Shield. I think benefits wise they are comparable. I have not been disappointed with my coverage. I'm a little upset with the choice of preferred providers. I am less than thrilled with my gastroenterologist, he is competent and thorough, just not very nice. The hospital of choice would also be my second choice. Providence Hospital is the preferred hospital and that is where I went for some of my scopes and procedures. I have been referred to Alaska Regional for other procedures, and I prefer that hospital. I really have nothing to complain about with the insurance choice of hospital or providers; however, I have found better service and bedside manner at the non-preferred providers.

I think it is wonderful that you decided to visit a Crohn's Disease forum to learn more about the disease and the best way to support your son and his new bride to be. Please don't be afraid of the disease. There are some scary things that you may hear and learn about, but it is a disease that can be managed, and people are often affected with it in varying degrees. Don't be afraid to ask your future daughter-in-law about her condition. I'm sure she will be pleased to discover your interest and concern.

My father-in-law passed away many years before I even met my husband, so I was dealing mainly with my mother-in-law. She understood a little about the Crohn's Disease and has asked me questions regarding it. I've had to explain to her that there are certain foods that I can no longer eat if I want to maintain digestive peace. Other than that, I think she has realized that aside from having an, "angry gut," I'm not all that different after all.

Welcome again and good luck to you and your son and future daughter in law.
 
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Welcome Zowie!!!

You are not intruding at all.... and YEP! it is a wonderful support!!
I wish you and your family all the happiness - everyone is different ... the disease is on a continuum so some have mild ----------> severe and in-between. I hear a lot of sad stories and a lot of success stories. Kudos to you and your son to not let it scare you off. Have you thought of having your son and soon to be daughter-in law also join the forum? There are a lot of loved ones with Crohn's on the forum - they are awesome and it really helps to have everyones input and perspective!

Welcome though! you will find a lot of great people here!
 
Hi Zowie :) Im 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 2 and half years and he knows about Crohn's and his mother does too (although as I've been rather healthy for the past few years it's never had to be talked about explicitly). I think the best thing for you would be just to offer him an ear so he can talk about it, as it is quite a frustrating disease not only for the sufferer but the people around who feel like they are powerless to help. If you let him know you're there if he wants to talk or she wants to talk I think they'd really appreciate that :)
I can't offer any advice as to insurance as I'm English! But I hope they get that sorted too :)
xxxxx
 

ameslouise

Moderator
Hi Zowie - Your potential future daughter-in-law is very lucky to have a mother-in-law who cares about her so much!!!

Where are you located? different insurance options everywhere - what do your son and his girl do for a living?

The best thing you can do to help and support him is to be there for him and his girl. And treating her like she is a "normal" person is the best thing you can do. Be respectful, but don't treat her like she needs to be babied, and never, ever make a big deal about food or eating - follow her lead!

You will find lots of good support and advice here! Best of luck to you and your expanding family!

- Amy
 
Thank You!

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments and support and for making me feel welcome. My son and his girlfriend are both going to school. They each have about 2 years of schooling left to complete their BA's. They are in Utah.

I have suggested to my son to research and learn all that he can, which he has. He has tried to talk to her parents, but they seemed very concerned about her getting married and losing their insurance, etc. They don't think she is ready. I get the feeling that they aren't ready and they are scared for her. I can understand.

All of your advice is wonderful and I will take it to heart. As this relationship progresses, I may need more help. There is a strong unity here and I admire you all very much.

Thanks again!!!

Zowie ")

PS: I am open to all the help I can get...
 

Crohn's 35

Inactive Account
Hi Zowie, I know of someone who is almost in the same predictament you are in. A friend of 35 years has a son who wants to marry a crohnie girlfriend. They have been dating for 3 years now. My friend who knows my life since day one and she know the hell I went through and still does. She told me her son wants to get married to a crohnie and is trying to tell him it is a life of someone who is ill most of the time. Money is not an issue and they are in the insurance business. The son is a quiet person and so is the girlfriend I have told my friend to tell this crohnie girl to come on this forum and I talked to her once. She is on remicade and never talks about her disease so Idont know what stage she is at. Not having money is really going to put your son and your future daughter inlaw in the poor house. The costs of meds are unreal. Remicade is 4 thousand an infusion. Humira is about 8hundred a shot and the initial dose is 4 shots. Do the math. Most times they are on other drugs too. I am not saying discourage but educate them both. My friend is trying to discourage her son to marrying this girl but he is determined. But again, money is not an issue. No one is the same in this disease, she could be fine the rest of her life or end up in hospitals alot. There is no cure and having this disease and symptoms over 30 years, I have had very rotten relationships and marriages in my past. I now am married to a wonderful and understanding man but he is a rarity. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know I havent given you much advice and chances are they are "in love" and not seeing the big picture. All I can add is educate them and tell them to wait a bit longer and try and get insurance first.

All the best if you need any more help you can pm me. This should not be taken lightly. Big decision! Take care and hugs.
 
I agree with what Pen said about not seeing the big picture. If your son loves her though, he should see that she could do with staying on her parents insurance, and at the end of the day, if they love each other enough to get married, they will hopefully feel the same in a few years, why the rush? health is more important.

However, I'd hate for my boyfriends mother to refer to me as a "crohnie girlfriend".... Please don't define her by her illness, this is one of the reasons I dislike talking about Crohn's to people.

xxxx
 
This is so great!

You don't know how much this is helping me. I really like my sons girlfriend. She is a beautiful, talented and very outgoing girl. She does not let her crohns slow her down. I am aware that her medical expenses are quite high, and that her condition is quite serious. She has had surgeries in the past, & spent time in the hospital on several occasions, but I don't know exactly where she is now. I try not to pry.

I would never tell my son to drop someone because of a medical condition, but I do want him to look at the big picture and be prepared. I keep wondering how I would feel if I was the mother of the one with crohns. I would be devasted if someone broke my son's/daughter's heart because of something they have no control over.

Maybe time is the answer, but it's hard to tell someone "in love" to be patient. Thanks again for your responses. It means a lot to me!

Thanks,
Zowie ")
 

Crohn's 35

Inactive Account
I would never tell my son to drop someone because of a medical condition, but I do want him to look at the big picture and be prepared. I keep wondering how I would feel if I was the mother of the one with crohns. I would be devasted if someone broke my son's/daughter's heart because of something they have no control over.
Thank you, this is what I told my friend and really she needs to support him in what ever he decides. There is a person on the forum, who not long ago their boyfriends left for the reason he cant handle the disease.


However, I'd hate for my boyfriends mother to refer to me as a "crohnie girlfriend".... Please don't define her by her illness, this is one of the reasons I dislike talking about Crohn's to people.
I understand how you feel I agree, I was merely pointing out who was who. We dont like labels but you have to be honest with the person you love.
 
Hi Zowie,
Welcome to the forum. Your son and his girl can definately have a wonderful life together. Crohn's can be controlled well with the right meds.
But, marriage is for better or worse, and with Crohn's, there definately might be some "worse" moments.

For the insurance question, a good corporate job with benefits has always paid the bills for me. But, there are many jobs that come with good medical insurance benefits. As far as I know, they will always cover a spouse.
 

ameslouise

Moderator
I agree that marriage is "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health." Anyone who breaks up with someone because of a disease they have is probably not really in love to begin with. So kudos to your son for being in love and being mature enough to understand what that means when you are in love with a Crohnie!

Not sure when the new health care stuff here in the US is going to kick in (if it's going to kick in at all) but there are provisions in there for adult children to stay on parents insurance up to age 26. This of course would probably be only if they are single.

I agree with Joe that any decent health care package would cover most of the stuff you would need. Most employers offer spousal coverage if you pay in for the extra coverage. And group insurance cannot deny anyone for preexisting conditions (from what I understand) but if you are trying to get an individual, private policy, it is my understanding that you can/will be denied for preexsiting.

Hope you keep sticking around the forum. And send the girlfriend over here too!

- Amy
 
Great Advice...

Thanks Joe & Amy for the info about insurance. I know there are options out there, and I am pretty sure that she is covered under her parents until 26, if single and a dependent... so that's part of the problem. :hug:

I've heard that there may be grants available??? Or state insurance options if you are low income, which they will be while going to school.

If only life didn't come with money issues!

I'll see what I can do about getting her onto the forum. For all I know, she may already be. She was diagnosed like 8 or so years ago.

Thanks again to all who have listened and given me hope! :ghug:

Zowie ")
 
Good Question!

Amy, That is a very good question... One that they could look into. I know her parents said something about some kind of insurance for low income families, so you can't be making very much money. You just can't win.

Thanks,
Zowie ?)
 
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