I didnt deserve it.....

Hi,

My name is JMP. I am 24 years old and have been suffering from Crohn's since 4 years...It all began with some weight loss, lost 16 kgs in 2 years.Went from being the strongest guy in school to a joke in college....the guy who's stomach always made noise....the guy who bunked classes because of too much of gas......tried to keep a positive outlook in life....believed in god and kept going....

then came the abscess...I lost the ability to sit comfortably....then came another abscess and a surger....I lost the ability to drive 2 wheelers....the surgeons screwed the surgery up leading to a fistula which made life miserable....could not sit without worrying about staining the seat....still believed in god and kept going.....


then came penile ulcers.....eveing going to pee was a nightmare....had to use local anesthetics....kept going....

2 more abscesses.....2 more fistule.....life became hell....somehow completed studies....even got a job.....and just on the eve of joining ...another abscess....


I have two old parents who have done everything to take care of me.....in a age where i have to support them....they do things for me....I see worry in their eyes all the time....

I have been a dissappoitment to everyone around me......let down everyone who counted on me....

I tried my best to be bold and corageous for the sake of my parents.....I cant do it anymore....I cant live this life...... I am not weak....I did not give up easily.....I tried my best.....but I just cant take it anymore......this is end of road for me.......I have decided to end my life. I didnt mean to disturb anyone....please forgive me.....I just wanted to tell me story.

I am sorry.

If you're in the US, call 1-800-SUICIDE. You cannot just give up. Life sucks right now, but it will get better. Think about your parents? Don't you think they'd rather be worrying about your health than burying you? You can beat this. Find a therapist and talk about it. Talk to us. We've all been there. We understand what you're going through, even when it seems like no one in the world could understand. We have the disease, too. It gets better, I promise.

jmp, please call a suicide watch or prevention hotline and talk to TRAINED people who will know how to help you.

I have a permanent fistula as well and have had it for 7 years. It drains constantly and it hurts when I have a flare, but with medications you can get it to dry up and calm down for more time than not. It just takes dedication to a medication and diet regimen. When it's NOT under control, I just wear a little 4x4 gauze sponge that soaks it all up and keeps my pants and my chairs clean. An overabundance of pride won't serve you with Crohn's. You've got to have a little humility, but there's no shame in that.

This disease is tough, no doubt about it, and more for some than for others. I've been sick 28 years and my daughter 10 years. She just wrote a novel at age 13. There's more to your identity than Crohn's. Even in your condition you're still a help to your parents. Without you, what are they going to have? An awful lot of guilt and much less support.

C'mon man. Call somebody who can help. There are things to be done about this. I've felt extremely hopeless many times in the past 30 years but now I have two beautiful and brilliant daughters. You're young and you've got plenty of time to forge an identity for yourself post-disease. It's not hopeless.

I doubt you've let anyone down the way that you think you have. It's if you do this that your fear of letting them down will come true.

Hi jmp,

I see that you're in India, is that correct?

I'm SO SORRY that you're having so much trouble, I feel for you, I really do! PLEASE call your Sahai suicide help line at 080 - 25497777 -- they can help! I realize you are at the end of your rope, but it can and WILL get better.

Please don't give up. Call 080 - 25497777

Much love and many *hugs* to you!

If you're feeling this way I agree with the other posters. Please call a suicide hotline or seek help elsewhere.

I just found out I have Crohn's so I don't have a lot of experience with it but I've been through a lot of difficult situations in my life. Life isn't easy and there's lots of heartbreak and devastation along the way. Don't give up. Things will get better. You can find a way to deal with whatever life throws at you. You're here for a reason. Please keep trying.

JMP, I don't know you but please don't give up! There are other people here who have thought that they reached the end of their ropes but, really, they HADN'T! They found a new medication or they felt a just a little bit better the next day or they found a friend that made them want to enjoy another day! Before giving up, please speak to someone! Try your local helpline or speak to others on this forum. There are so, so many here who have had very difficult experiences but have recovered from them.

I am a mother to a teenage boy who has Crohn's. I don't ever want him to feel as desperate as you feel right now. I would do anything to make him feel better and if he gave up his battle, I would always feel that I hadn't done enough for him. You must love your parents very much to be thinking of them at this time, keep thinking of them! Please, please keep trying for them!!

At least speak to some of the other people here... give yourself a chance to learn of a new treatment, perhaps someone here lives in another country and has tried a different treatment, perhaps someone has had similar problems and has found a treatment that has allowed them to have better days. At least try this!! You may be just one day, one week, away from finding something that helps you! How can you not try this before giving up?

You have battled so much and have had victories!! You have finished school, you found a job - that is already so hard to do WITHOUT being sick, and you accomplished all this while you were sick! Imagine what you will do once you feel better. And you WILL feel better!

Please think about what I've said, what the others have said... please think about how much future you still have to live! You don't know what tomorrow will bring, it may bring the answer you are looking for!!

Please write back and let us know how you are feeling...