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09-14-2011, 11:43 AM   #1
Jessica
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Ability to Focus

Hopefully this is the right place for this...

So, I keep finding things at work that I'm f**cking up on. The most major one so far is that I didn't file last year's corporate taxes for both businesses. That's it. Period. End of sentence. Not late, just weren't filed.

!!!??!?!!

It took me forever to figure out why too. Like, a week a searching through emails, calanders, files, everything! One Friday (10 mths ago or so) I received them in from the tax accountants that go over the work that I do since I'm not licensed (and hate signing my life away). They were supposed to go home with the president to sign and bring back Monday to have sent out. I was having a colonoscopy Monday, which ment that my other accounting lady would've sent them out. Or even waited for me to get back on Tuesday.

I never sent them home to be signed by the President. Didn't ever put another thought into them for the 10 months to follow. F**king seriously?! Awesome.

Well, this just seems to be the most expensive f**k up lately. Some $4K in penalties. Hopefully they accept my abaitment request. I sure don't have the money, nor do I feel like looking for another job w/ the same pay and health insurance.

So the moral here, I guess, is that lately I'm in what I consider remission.... well, I've come to realize how much my diseases are/were/is screwing with my head. If not them, then the meds. I just hate the thought of losing my capabilities. Be it in my performance, skills, focus, anything! I've always been able to keep working since I have a bathroom in my office, keys to open and close, and can work as long and late as I need to to get sh*t done (no kids). Pay me salary, and I'll get it done. No matter, this might be claiming the rest of it from me. Maybe not now, but even at times partially. Or sometimes. Or what, am I not going to know when?! Am I now officially unreliable?! I take pride in my work. Don't take that away from me. Take the salads, but not my work.

Sorry for the language, btw. Just frustrated. Not even angry really, which breaks my heart. I enjoy anger over anguish or sadness.
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Dx w/ Crohn's Disease May '08
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09-14-2011, 12:08 PM   #2
Jessi
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Oh, Jessica hun, I am so sorry. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am quite a bit of a perfectionist. Every time the teachers had evaluations done at my school, I would get perfect marks from everyone that evaluated me. Never once did I receive anything less than 100% satisfaction. I would even have a slew of positive comments from other teachers. (I'm not telling you this to be a braggart, but just to show you that I really can relate.) I would make mistakes, granted, but I would beat myself up mentally, and be sure to cover all my tracks, and make it up to whomever I needed. As time went on, and as my diseases progressed, I started to lose my ability to focus. I messed up more and more. I even got the point where I didn't fix all that I did wrong. Soon enough, I stopped caring as much as I had before.

Needless to say, I was now beating myself up for being so unreliable. And then for not having the motivation even.

I have always had the need to be in control of my life, my health, and my job performance. I have slowly come to terms with the fact that I have no control over some things. It's far beyond frustrating. Right?!

Just hang in there as long as you can. I'm sure you're wonderful at your job. Perhaps you'll be forgiven. I'm crossing my fingers for you, sweetie.

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Dx'd with Psoriasis in 1993
Dx'd with Psoriatic Arthritis in 2004
Dx'd with Ulcerative Colitis on May 18, 2011

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain." ~Anon.
09-14-2011, 01:30 PM   #3
beth
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Sounds like me
09-14-2011, 02:52 PM   #4
Jessica
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It's far beyond frustrating. Right?!
Ya, it is! I know that there aren't much in the way of repercussions for work mistakes. The business can't go on without me, which makes it that much more necessary that I am able to perform well.

Just means more late nights in order to make sure things are done correctly.

Yay! </sarcasm>
09-16-2011, 05:06 PM   #5
Jessi
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It's good that you are so important to them. It's always helpful to be valuable.

Any word on your abatement?
09-17-2011, 06:17 AM   #6
Jessica
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One of the companies had it granted. Waiting for the other to finish being processed. Fingers crossed!
09-17-2011, 05:23 PM   #7
Jessi
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Mine are crossed too. Good luck.
09-17-2011, 06:03 PM   #8
LindaS
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Fingers crossed for the other abatement! I, too, suffer from this, so I understand how you feel.
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09-26-2011, 06:48 PM   #9
RFarmer
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Ah Jessica. Sucks doesn't it?

I find it worst after lunch. I'm in uni right now, and I tried to plan all my courses before lunch. I find that once I've eaten, and it gets warm out, I'm brain dead. I can't think. I don't want to do anything. It's terrible.
09-26-2011, 11:39 PM   #10
Jessi
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Brain dead after lunch?

So say we all, Ben. So say we all...
09-27-2011, 07:14 AM   #11
Jessica
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I find it worst after lunch.
That's the worst time for me too. I've found that having caffeine is almost a must now. Soda irritates my belly more than coffee too. So... choices get limited. Yay. </sarcasm>
11-28-2011, 03:31 PM   #12
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Ah Jessica. Sucks doesn't it?

I find it worst after lunch. I'm in uni right now, and I tried to plan all my courses before lunch. I find that once I've eaten, and it gets warm out, I'm brain dead. I can't think. I don't want to do anything. It's terrible.
Oh my! I'm also in university and I have the same problem. As soon as I eat, forget about it. The big problem is that I'm always hungry. I keep punching myself because I shouldn't be procrastinating, I should be doing home work, but the reality is that I can't keep a thought for 2 minutes now.
11-28-2011, 06:09 PM   #13
Grumbletum
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Yea, I hear ya. I got a new job back in August. Financial Administration which is a totally new field for me. I tell you, figures and Pred head just do not go together. Things have got a lot better since I weaned off, but sometimes the fatigue still hits and no matter how much I wrack my brains, I can't get my head round some of the more complex tasks.
Luckily my employers are very sympathetic and patient.
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Dx Crohn's terminal ileum April 2011
Ileocaecal resection & partial cystectomy Sept 2012
3.5 years happy remission, in mild flare since Feb 2016 with related Portal Vein Thrombosis

Previous: Prednisolone, Mesren, Omeprazole, Infliximab, Azathioprine
Current: Pentasa, Librax, Warfarin
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12-05-2011, 08:27 AM   #14
Jessica
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Hats off to those of you on steroids and in college. I was diagnosed while commuting for my Master's. Worked 30-40 hrs a week, plus an hour drive each way 3 nights a week. It was rough, but I can't imagine going through it while still in school full time.
12-06-2011, 08:28 PM   #15
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I'm glad that I'm not alone with the lack of focus. Even with a clear head I feel as if I'm focused less on the task at hand and more being uncomfortable. It hasn't cost me my job but it's part of the reason I haven't advanced at all, despite the long hours and dedication.
12-07-2011, 08:15 AM   #16
Jessica
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Right there with ya, Jersey. No changes in work status. Just long hours to make sure I can keep up with the pace. Motivation doesn't come easy, when you're busy being focused on how fast you're going to need to run to the bathroom next time.
12-07-2011, 09:09 AM   #17
karlyg
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I can SO relate to everything you're saying in this thread. I'm home from work today not feeling well, and all my missed work always causes me stress. And I'm also on pred now, so even when I am working my mind doesn't feel "right" and I have trouble making higher level decisions. Plus I feel like it ramps up my anxiety over everything, so it is kind of a vicious cycle. Sigh. Hang in there everybody. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It does help to know we're not alone.
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