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01-31-2008, 10:30 AM   #1
Babe123
 
relationships...

has anyone elses relationship been under stress because of crohns... myn feels like its never going to get better

my boy friend is so selfish... im still getting used to having crohns as i havnt had it long.. and im still anemic meaning im so tired all of the time i can barley go half a day without sleeping.

now my boyfriend has started maoning about our sex life.. or rather lack of it

he wants sex.. or other things everyother night!! and i havnt got the energy at all... hese making me feel inadequate because i cant do it all of the time bcause i just want sleep. its really upsetting me and he doesnt understand.. or even try tounderstand. its like he is thinking of him self.

then he starts trying to make me feel guilty by saying its because of him... so it makes me feel bad because he is blaming himself but i know he is doing it to make me feel guilty

i dont know what to do....i am so stressd out wihich is obviously making me worse

am at the end of my teather
01-31-2008, 11:43 AM   #2
Guest
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
yes i have been in the same boat laura, during my marriage which is in the distant past now.

i wonder if the fact that your boyfriend is saying "it's him" is less to do with making you feel guilty, and more along the lines that he's looking for reassurance from you that altho your sex life isnt proving how you feel about him, that you do still want him??

maybe he is one of those blokes who measures a relationship by sex... some men do.

its a delicate thing to advise someone on their personal life.. but my gut feeling is to put yourself and your needs first. you're in a fragile state just now, and you should be cosseting yourself and making things as easy on yourself as you can at the moment. there's no need to feel inadequate or guilty - none of this is your fault, you're not well. the time will most likely come when you're on proper treatment and have your diet sorted, and you'll feel more like your old self... but until then - put you first, and dont take on any negatives.
01-31-2008, 12:35 PM   #3
Babe123
 
i know that in the past his gorlfriends have had sex with him like everyday when he wanted it... but i want him to understand im not the same as them... and im not like i used to be now. i re-assure him all of the time.. to the point where i am sick of saying the same things over and over again.

he is used to getting his own way.. and with me he is not. he doesnt understand when i say i dont need this sort of stress right now cos it only makes me worse. i think i will have to talk to him about it and maybe take a break. there is other things like other girls calling him babe and that... really drives me up the wall.

i just want some advice about what others did if this happend to them.. i dont want to upset my boyfriend.. but he keeps upsetting me

x
01-31-2008, 01:47 PM   #4
Kev
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Halifax, NS, Canada

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No one asked, but I'm going to weigh in on this. First off, despite being a 'male' (right, guilty as charged), I'm not (could be deluding myself) biased in his favour. Before I blithely ramble on any further, going to warn you that I am not prone to delicacy. More like a bull in a china shop. If I tread on anyone's toes, I honestly do apologize first and foremost. Second, if you knew me first hand, then it would be obvious that I in no way shape or form could ever hope to be a 'couples therapist'. In many ways, I find people and relationships a puzzle. No great insights here. But I was born intrigued by puzzles, so I have watched and... possibly, supposedly, may have learned a thing or two over the decades.

Having thus forewarned you... Here goes. You are in the midst of a life-changing illness. That won't go away. It does have an impact. Of all of the critical things in your life, you have to put your health first. Boyfriends come N go (and, no, there wasn't an underlying message in those bon mots, I swear), but you only get one life. Do the math! Understand the undeniable principal. If you do have to sacrifice one or the other, give the b/f the heave. He just isn't worth sacrificing your life/health for. Sorry if that comes across as a short and hard statement; a black N white oversimplification, or an unfeeling assessment but... (BIG BUT).. self preservation has to come first. You have no options that otherwise make sense... you have no choice in your illness, can't wish it away. He has a choice... to accept the 'new' reality, to learn to cope with your crohns.
He MAY not make the choice you want him to. Pardon me for saying so, but if he doesn't, then it's definitely for the best. You need someone you can depend on. If you allow yourself to rely on him now, given his shakey behaviour, what may become of you if your situation gets critical, and you REALLY need his help?
Food for thought. Why people love who they love, who's to know. Love can be a gift, or a curse, or a mixture. Think you have been blinded by your love to his lesser points. Like, for instance, you've told us he is selfish.. common flaw. But how/why do you know about how often/frequently he had sex with his prior g/f's? Somehow, I don't picture this being of keen interest to you. I suppose in this day of 'uncurable' sexually related diseases, one has a right to know 'how' many prior sex partners one may have known.... at least a rough idea of total. BUT frequency? You said he made you feel inadequate. If this is typical of his behaviour, then you've called it right. He is deliberately making you feel worse.
Let's do a little what if scenario. now, he's a boyfriend, manipulative, unreliable and selfish, making nitely demands on you despite your illness. How do you see him as a possible 'parent'? I know, no one mentioned that, but lets pretend you are looking at a possible future, one of many. Can you picture entrusting your children to his 'sole' care (remember, you have an uncurable illness, OK)?
If you can't picture him stepping up and being a loving, supportive father, how can you picture him being a loving, supportive partner? Oversimplified, YES! It's a case of sometimes life doesn't permit you to weigh yourself down with all of the extra nuances... Now, for those who think I'm being too judgement, that I am being too cut N dried, that he possibly has all of these other good points, or that I've painted us males in general too dark... I'm not anti male. Neither am I blind to the fact that both our genders have our less than noble sides to them.
for instance, the bit about some men judging relationships by sex. Think it is a wee bit more common than that. Distinction is that most of us don't just weigh the sex... it is an important bit... I also believe (and who am I to say) that lots of males either develop, or believe, that the 'health' of their relationship is only truly percieved from the frequency/quality of the sex. I didn't claim this was in any way a 'valid' marker, just a bit of common male 'folk lore'. Whether women can accept that or not, relate to that or not, or even perhaps admit they know it and occasionally exploit it.. hey, let's not get into that debate. I've just never met a man in a relationship who didn't use their sex life as a built in gauge of their relationship. No sex = what did I do wrong, or what didn't I do, or whats' wrong now.. or she's not interested in me anymore, or maybe theres someone else... the list goes on and on. And notice, it's mostly 'male' centric thinking. A case of 'I, I, I'... like your world revolves around us. Pretty shallow thinking that we can be prone to. Sex urges typically are shallow. Survival of species thing. I am not saying that men alone can be shallow. From how you write about way the other 'girls' greet him, seems your b/f is a fairly attractive fellow to the gals.
Is that what initally drew you to him? Is that why you've stayed as long as you have? Is that your key reluctance to ending this? Only you can answer that. I'm not singling you out.. Men/women, we respond to visually attractive people, its one of natures ways. Even if it wasn't there via nature, our culture nurtures it.
So, I'm not judging you, nor your life choices... As a matter of fact, I think you've already decided, deep down inside, what you have to do. And you know it. But it's a painful prospect, and it just doesn't seem fair to have to face that extra pain when one is already fighting the painful reality of a life with this disease. I think you were just talking out loud, to yourself more or less, to see if there was any support, to muster the courage. so, take it from an old man who is so unthinking, unfeeling, so 'shallow' to just call it (black N white) as he sees it. It seems that your current boyfriend is a shallow, uncaring, selfish, unreliable bit of eye candy that you had a sweet tooth for... but now you have to watch what you eat. And he should be stricken from your diet. you need something just a bit more substantial. No matter how appetizing they may appear, one can't live on sweets. Course, the choice is yours... But I feel that you've made it already.

If I can say anything (after all of that tripe above) that might make you feel just a little better... Picture it this way. Imagine a silly gal or two, hearing that you gave the b/f his 'wise up or get lost orders', thinking how silly of you to do that.
But, other, wiser women saying 'How smart N heroic of her to give him the axe'

Hey, what do I know? Huh. If you've read this far, and seen that I've the sheer gall, the nerve, to advise you, to lay out your life choices in simple black/white, I hope you realize that I'm just a looney old man who wishes you all the best, OK
__________________
KEV

Dx'd July, 2006
Meds: Flagyl, Cipro, Pred, AZA.. to no effect
Low Dose Naltrexone Nov 2007 - May 2014
Remicade June 17th, 2014
01-31-2008, 07:11 PM   #5
D Bergy
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Most people, even at our peak, are not having sex every day. Hell, I would say that 90% cannot make that claim. I am speculating that if the past girlfriends were under this type of performance pressure, it is probably for that very reason they are past girlfriends.

He has the attitude of a sixteen year old. I have no idea how old any of you are, but that is not a realistic expectation for any normal person.

I think you said it best yourself. He is so selfish. And how is a selfish person going to suddenly acquire compassion for others? I think you know the answer to this question.

Dan
01-31-2008, 08:19 PM   #6
katiesue1506
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Yeah... I'm certainly not having sex everyday... 2-3 times a week at most... but we both have lives that make us super tired, and sometimes just going to sleep feels nice. Not too mention the demands of college and such. I don't think I could handle every night to tell you the truth, plus I kinda think if you do it more, it doesn't feel as special. Yeah yeah... "special" is a girl thing to say, but if you force sex or put a stigma to it... then its no longer for your guy's pleasure... more just a need to be met, like taking out the trash. That doesn't sound too fun to me.
02-01-2008, 02:36 AM   #7
Babe123
 
Kev said:
No one asked, but I'm going to weigh in on this. First off, despite being a 'male' (right, guilty as charged), I'm not (could be deluding myself) biased in his favour. Before I blithely ramble on any further, going to warn you that I am not prone to delicacy. More like a bull in a china shop. If I tread on anyone's toes, I honestly do apologize first and foremost. Second, if you knew me first hand, then it would be obvious that I in no way shape or form could ever hope to be a 'couples therapist'. In many ways, I find people and relationships a puzzle. No great insights here. But I was born intrigued by puzzles, so I have watched and... possibly, supposedly, may have learned a thing or two over the decades.

Having thus forewarned you... Here goes. You are in the midst of a life-changing illness. That won't go away. It does have an impact. Of all of the critical things in your life, you have to put your health first. Boyfriends come N go (and, no, there wasn't an underlying message in those bon mots, I swear), but you only get one life. Do the math! Understand the undeniable principal. If you do have to sacrifice one or the other, give the b/f the heave. He just isn't worth sacrificing your life/health for. Sorry if that comes across as a short and hard statement; a black N white oversimplification, or an unfeeling assessment but... (BIG BUT).. self preservation has to come first. You have no options that otherwise make sense... you have no choice in your illness, can't wish it away. He has a choice... to accept the 'new' reality, to learn to cope with your crohns.
He MAY not make the choice you want him to. Pardon me for saying so, but if he doesn't, then it's definitely for the best. You need someone you can depend on. If you allow yourself to rely on him now, given his shakey behaviour, what may become of you if your situation gets critical, and you REALLY need his help?
Food for thought. Why people love who they love, who's to know. Love can be a gift, or a curse, or a mixture. Think you have been blinded by your love to his lesser points. Like, for instance, you've told us he is selfish.. common flaw. But how/why do you know about how often/frequently he had sex with his prior g/f's? Somehow, I don't picture this being of keen interest to you. I suppose in this day of 'uncurable' sexually related diseases, one has a right to know 'how' many prior sex partners one may have known.... at least a rough idea of total. BUT frequency? You said he made you feel inadequate. If this is typical of his behaviour, then you've called it right. He is deliberately making you feel worse.
Let's do a little what if scenario. now, he's a boyfriend, manipulative, unreliable and selfish, making nitely demands on you despite your illness. How do you see him as a possible 'parent'? I know, no one mentioned that, but lets pretend you are looking at a possible future, one of many. Can you picture entrusting your children to his 'sole' care (remember, you have an uncurable illness, OK)?
If you can't picture him stepping up and being a loving, supportive father, how can you picture him being a loving, supportive partner? Oversimplified, YES! It's a case of sometimes life doesn't permit you to weigh yourself down with all of the extra nuances... Now, for those who think I'm being too judgement, that I am being too cut N dried, that he possibly has all of these other good points, or that I've painted us males in general too dark... I'm not anti male. Neither am I blind to the fact that both our genders have our less than noble sides to them.
for instance, the bit about some men judging relationships by sex. Think it is a wee bit more common than that. Distinction is that most of us don't just weigh the sex... it is an important bit... I also believe (and who am I to say) that lots of males either develop, or believe, that the 'health' of their relationship is only truly percieved from the frequency/quality of the sex. I didn't claim this was in any way a 'valid' marker, just a bit of common male 'folk lore'. Whether women can accept that or not, relate to that or not, or even perhaps admit they know it and occasionally exploit it.. hey, let's not get into that debate. I've just never met a man in a relationship who didn't use their sex life as a built in gauge of their relationship. No sex = what did I do wrong, or what didn't I do, or whats' wrong now.. or she's not interested in me anymore, or maybe theres someone else... the list goes on and on. And notice, it's mostly 'male' centric thinking. A case of 'I, I, I'... like your world revolves around us. Pretty shallow thinking that we can be prone to. Sex urges typically are shallow. Survival of species thing. I am not saying that men alone can be shallow. From how you write about way the other 'girls' greet him, seems your b/f is a fairly attractive fellow to the gals.
Is that what initally drew you to him? Is that why you've stayed as long as you have? Is that your key reluctance to ending this? Only you can answer that. I'm not singling you out.. Men/women, we respond to visually attractive people, its one of natures ways. Even if it wasn't there via nature, our culture nurtures it.
So, I'm not judging you, nor your life choices... As a matter of fact, I think you've already decided, deep down inside, what you have to do. And you know it. But it's a painful prospect, and it just doesn't seem fair to have to face that extra pain when one is already fighting the painful reality of a life with this disease. I think you were just talking out loud, to yourself more or less, to see if there was any support, to muster the courage. so, take it from an old man who is so unthinking, unfeeling, so 'shallow' to just call it (black N white) as he sees it. It seems that your current boyfriend is a shallow, uncaring, selfish, unreliable bit of eye candy that you had a sweet tooth for... but now you have to watch what you eat. And he should be stricken from your diet. you need something just a bit more substantial. No matter how appetizing they may appear, one can't live on sweets. Course, the choice is yours... But I feel that you've made it already.

If I can say anything (after all of that tripe above) that might make you feel just a little better... Picture it this way. Imagine a silly gal or two, hearing that you gave the b/f his 'wise up or get lost orders', thinking how silly of you to do that.
But, other, wiser women saying 'How smart N heroic of her to give him the axe'

Hey, what do I know? Huh. If you've read this far, and seen that I've the sheer gall, the nerve, to advise you, to lay out your life choices in simple black/white, I hope you realize that I'm just a looney old man who wishes you all the best, OK

it took me ages to read that... you do actually make sense... although it wasnt his looks that attracted me to him

xxx
02-01-2008, 02:41 AM   #8
Babe123
 
katiesue1506 said:
Yeah... I'm certainly not having sex everyday... 2-3 times a week at most... but we both have lives that make us super tired, and sometimes just going to sleep feels nice. Not too mention the demands of college and such. I don't think I could handle every night to tell you the truth, plus I kinda think if you do it more, it doesn't feel as special. Yeah yeah... "special" is a girl thing to say, but if you force sex or put a stigma to it... then its no longer for your guy's pleasure... more just a need to be met, like taking out the trash. That doesn't sound too fun to me.
ye.. i struggle to even cope with a full day at college.. and nope 'taking out the trash' doesnt seem fun to me either... well i have spoken to him and told him that he reallyupset me and that now i feel like i will never live up to his needs and that it isnt my fault i have crohns and im tired all of the time. its not like i asked for this so he needs to be supportive and not think of himself all the time. i also said that if he wants more sex and i cant .. then maybe he would be happier with some one else.

the ball is in his court now

thanks for your advice everyone

*men* no offence to anyone lol

xxxxxxxx
02-01-2008, 05:52 AM   #9
Guest
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
must have been tough for you to broach the subject laura, well done hun.

i hope he takes what you've said as a wake up call, and realises there are more needs than just sex within a relationship that need to be nurtured, if the relationship is going to work. maybe this is the first introduction he's ever had into how an adult partnership should be, where giving is often more important than taking.

you've done the right thing, telling him how it needs to be, and given him the chance to decide if he can hack it or not.

xx
02-01-2008, 02:10 PM   #10
Kev
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Halifax, NS, Canada

My Support Groups:
Yeah, Babe, congrats on taking the situation in hand. sorry for the length of my post. Glad in the end it made some sense. Here's hoping your b/f mans up and wakes up. The disintegration of a relationship, regardless of cause, is painful enuff in and of itself. When it's compounded with things like chronic illness, it just rubs salt in the wounds of life. Should he come around, and state he is going to try to make this work out, I would offer this bit of advice, based on my 'inside' knowledge of how some of us guys can be (and we aren't all cut from the same cloth); then I would suggest that you practice only 'safe sex' for as long as you have any fear, inkling, etc., that he hasn't really dedicated himself to making a go of this relationship. I know it sounds very pessimistic, judgemental, to offer that kind of advice... but the reality is that you have one chronic illness. I personally, wouldn't want to risk being exposed to another illness, even worse, if my partner had expressed (repeatedly) that the 'ship' wasn't satisfying enuff in the bedroom AND behaved in such a way that their maturity was in question.

Just a last bit of unasked for advice that may be un-necessary, but could save you a lot of pain outside of just the emotional. some people in relationships do cheat; and regardless of gender... it literally takes both genders for it to occur.
02-01-2008, 08:45 PM   #11
D Bergy
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Never be afraid to stand up for yourself. You did the right thing, even though it would have been easier to avoid doing it.

Women often have difficulty doing this. It may not be easy, but sometimes it is necessary. You also made it perfectly clear, what your expectations are. That is important, as us men are not always good at mind reading, or picking up on what you may be thinking. I am speaking mostly for myself.

Kev brings up a good point about safe sex. Especially if you take immune suppressants for your condition.

Dan
02-01-2008, 10:50 PM   #12
22wendylou
 
It takes real courage to say what you said to him. It may not feel like you did the right thing now. But, I'm willing to bet 5 years from now, you'll think it was the best decision you ever made. I know when my heart was broken, I thought I would never be the same. But, now that I'm much older and wiser, I realize how much better off I am for getting out of the unhealthy, controlling the relationships I was in back then. (Not to say that's what yours is (was), but I can definitely relate to many of the things you've mentioned on this forum.)

Well done! Stay strong, whatever the outcome may be.....
02-02-2008, 01:05 AM   #13
Jeff D.
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Good job standing up to him like that. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I wish you to the very best of luck and I will be praying for you. I hope if he isn't the guy for you that you can find the right man. I understand some guys only thinking about sex. I know I would rather converse in a wonderful conversation because relationships can't be based on sex alone.
07-25-2008, 09:39 PM   #14
Colt
Senior Member
 
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Join Date: Mar 2008
I'm married and have crohns. Let me weigh in on the other side here..

How many boyfriends are you going to dump because they want to receive something from you as well instead of just give? Are you going to spend the rest of your life telling everyone that you're leaving them because they asked you to do something for them? This disease sucks. You're going to have a crappy life. Unfortunately you're just going to have to figure out what the minimum level of crappiness is before you put your crohn's at such a high priority that the rest of your life's not worth living anymore.

Let's redirect this away from the sacred and always 100% biased topic of sex and look at it with a less sacred example.

My wife hates me most of the time. It's because of the disease too. She doesn't really hate me though, she hates the disease. She just takes it out on me. She gets frustrated because I can't contribute. I work 40+ hours a week in a very physically demanding job. That combined with the crohn's means I'm pretty much worthless around the house. When I'm home I have neither the physical nor mental strength left to take care of her, my son, or the house.

Should I walk out on my family?
Should I have my family walk out on me for being a burden?
or
Should I go mow the lawn, collapse, wake up, finish mowing the lawn, come in, and then go to sleep so that I can wake up to a happy wife?

Frankly if all I needed to do to satisfy my wife's demands on me was when I was tired, sore, and generally not in the mood lay down quietly and let her have sex with me while I slept or thought about England I'd be pretty content.

BTW, my libido is pretty bad too lately. My wife's is even worse due to pregnancy and birth-control hormones. Take me from me that without a decent sex life it's nearly impossible to have a healthy relationship. You have to have that regular bonding experience or you're just going to lose your chemistry. Literally. The hormones released during sex are what cause that level of attachment. You can also get it through breast feeding but that's a lot more time consuming and requires a lot of pain. On the upside the dopamine released during sex is the same chemical triggered by morphine so even though you're not in the mood it should get better once the natural pain killers set in and leave you with some nice pain relief for a while post-sex.

(Excuse me if I don't make a terrible amount of sense tonight. I'm kind of loopy with sickness tonight)
__________________
Certified Medication Aide, Certified Nurse Aide, Phlebotomist, and Resident Cynic

Meds: Prednisone, Pentasa, Vitamin D & Calcium, Atenalol, Darvocet

Current Issues: Crohn's inflammation primarily of the upper GI (duodenum and up), Tachycardia, Osteoporosis

Current Stage of Grief: Anger

Last edited by Colt; 07-25-2008 at 09:48 PM.
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