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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Mental Health Support » Stuck in Never-Ending Cycle


11-10-2011, 08:39 PM   #1
kllyeve
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Edmonton, Alberta

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Stuck in Never-Ending Cycle

I seem to be stuck in a never ending argument with my guy.

I am in a job in a very toxic environment - psyhcologically toxic that is. It is in a field I love and used to be a job I loved. I am now bored silly with it. As well, I am being bullied, mobbed and conditions of favoritism exist(I am not the favorite) If I suggest an idea for improvement, immediately 2-3 other people say what a horrible idea it and how it would never work. Many charges have been brought against me on the grounds of my attitude and behaviour for the last 3 years(coincidentally about the same time my health has gone to shits)

So my BF wants me to just quit. I am however, the type that needs another job to go to before I mke such a move. I have been looking for 5 years but the prospects in my field in this town are limited. I also have the need for benefits due to all my meds and the fact that I am going on remicade soon.

He feels that if I quit such a place then my Crohn's will settle down, I won't need Remicade(which he is against me taking as he is not a medication kind of guy) I will be able to come off my entocort, lose the wieght I have gained from it and generally all will be right in the world.

He insists he makes enough for me to quit - he doesn't . I quit work once when I was married and that backfired in my face and I am not going to put myself at the mercy of a man again ( apologies to all you upstanding guys who wouldn't pull the financial rug out from your wife)

My Bf and I are not married or even engaged, when I suggested he take his wife(they're separated) off his benefits he wouldn't so if I don't have a job I don't have benefits. There are no real indications of long term commitment on his part - other than he is here until I tell him to leave. I also have concerns about trying to get on someone else's benefits now that I have a pre-exisitng condition.

I am planning on going back to school if the remicade works(if not I'll end up having surgery so school will be on hold) He thinks I should just quit and go back to school full time(again the no benefits thing though) Also the house and everything is mine and my responsibility so just quitting and not having enough money to keep my house is not an option.

So we have a circle - I want to leave, but until I can do so with a plan I can't even though I know it would be better for my health. He wants me to quit so my health will get better and could care less where the chips fall.

Sorry this is rambling and long I am just so fed up. No one wants me to go on Remicade and everyone keeps pushing their "chosen" solution for my Crohn's(quit your job,alternative, exercise, "just get on with it", drink colloidal silver etc)

Thanks for listening and any suggestions would be helpful.
11-10-2011, 09:40 PM   #2
Crohn's 35
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Wow you are being pulled in every direction! I too was a former bread winner and was very independent and a daughter to raise. I took some advice but usually I ended up making my own choices. Back when there was jobs plentiful , I did quit and found another job right away. Nowadays you have to find another one before you quit, the world is in a crisis as it is and having someone who is not committed long term so I would do what YOU think you are capable of doing.

I now have a wonder husband of 11 years but it took many many years to find him. I don't work anymore because I can't stablize and really don't need to. It took many years to accept being dependent but you have to decide what your gut is telling you (pardon that pun) but deep inside you really know what you want. You just have to carry it out. Good luck!
11-11-2011, 09:13 AM   #3
gulugirl
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Russia
Sounds like a very difficult situation.

Last edited by gulugirl; 10-25-2012 at 05:20 PM.
11-13-2011, 07:04 AM   #4
JMC
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: London, United Kingdom
I am in a job in a very toxic environment - psyhcologically toxic that is. It is in a field I love and used to be a job I loved. I am now bored silly with it. As well, I am being bullied, mobbed and conditions of favoritism exist(I am not the favorite) If I suggest an idea for improvement, immediately 2-3 other people say what a horrible idea it and how it would never work. Many charges have been brought against me on the grounds of my attitude and behaviour for the last 3 years(coincidentally about the same time my health has gone to shits)
I will try to give you some advice, it is given with good intentions, even if it may sound a little tough.

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions about what has happened over the last 3 years and be brutally honest with yourself. Being ill with a chronic illness like Crohns can change you mentally and physically. I know, for example, that I am more irritable, aggressive and defensive when I feel unwell and this does not help me to perform at work. I also recall saying similar things to you about my own work place when I was ill five years ago, so I know exactly where you are coming from.

When you say that
"many charges have been brought against me on the grounds of my attitude and behaviour"
do you feel this is justified? Try to step outside yourself and look at it from the point of view of the other people making those charges. Would you change anything about your attitude and behaviour? Did those people have any obvious motive for bringing those charges? If you really are being bullied, have you spoken to a lawyer about taking action?

"I am in a job in a very toxic environment - psyhcologically toxic that is." - this is an interesting comment. Is the environment toxic for you or is there a more general problem that is recognised by everyone? Does the company have a high turn over of staff? Or high incidents of mental breakdowns or people taking time off with stress related illnesses? Is the problem with one specific person or does it run deeper throughout the culture of the company? It may be that you are in a company full of sociopathic assholes. Then again, you may not.

If the issue runs deeply through the company, then you need to get out of there and quickly as it can do lasting damage to your mental and physical health. If you can sue the company for bullying or discrimination in the process, even better. If the issue is with a few specific people, can you move to another team? Is your reputation within the company salvageable or do you need to move on and start afresh?

There is another possibility though. Due to your illness you may be forming negative perceptions of the kind of day to day challenges you will face in any company. No company will be perfect, you will face favouritism and people challenging and undermining your ideas wherever you go. That unfortunately is human nature and a consequence of the competitive workplace. If that is the case, then you need to learn how to change your attitude to those things. This can certainly be done, but it is best tackled from a position of feeling physically well.


"It is in a field I love and used to be a job I loved. I am now bored silly with it."
I am struggling to understand this. Do you love it or are you bored with it? What is the cause of your boredom? Dan Pink wrote a very interesting book about motivation called "Drive". In it, he identified three key motivators - autonomy, mastery and purpose - I would recommend reading it. Are you bored because you have completely mastered your job and need a new challenge or is this feeling or boredom really just a different emotion underneath caused by your unhappiness with the work environment? What do you need to do to find your motivation again? If you cannot find your spark again in that environment, then maybe it is time to move on.
11-13-2011, 08:54 PM   #5
kllyeve
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Edmonton, Alberta

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I am at the point that I don't really know whether it is me or them. Somedays I beleive its me, other days not so much. Most days I feel like being at work is like being married to my exhusband - I walk on eggshells cause I never know what is going to upset someone today, I feel like every interaction with someone means I have to check around me to see if there are witnesses so that I can call people in my defense should I need it. There was one other employee - he left 4 years ago- that they continually had in on discipline over his supposed bad attitide. I have been fulfilled that role since.

When I am off for any length of time I feel better and more positive but as soon as I have to go back to work, I feel dread. There is poor morale( lots of grumbling and disatisfaction with management) and lots of people taking lots of sick time - sometimes we have 3-4 people of at least 3 days per week. So I push myself to go in as I don't want to let my co-workers down. There have been comments directed at me by co-workers about my sick time.

Several reasons for my general unsatisfaction come to mind - I am bored at work as I have mastered everything I can at this job - there is no more for me to learn. Instead of feeling like I have a purpose to my work(helping patients) I feel like I work in a factory. I haven't wanted to be anything but a lab tech since I was 14 so I am having trouble figuring out what to be or do next. Working there the last three years has made me feel like I am unsuitable for human companionship and that I do not belong anywhere nor am I capable of performing any job.

I have realized that being sick has affected my whole being and maybe I am in denial or unable to see exactly how. I am considering maybe I should leave or go on disability because I am feeling less and less able to cope.
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