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01-08-2012, 06:37 PM   #1
StormyWeather
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New Brunswick
How should I feel? :(

I have done really well with keeping my feelings to myself. I do not like to bring attention to myself, so even when I feel awful, I pretend all is well. Partly because that is how I try to not burden others. It is also because on the rare occasion I do voice how I feel, I get such negative responses that I always end up crying alone and wishing I had never spoke.

I do not have many friends. I would not say I have much time outside of my job and being a full time mother to meet many. I have a few that I know will be there through anything. But they have their own lives, and I cannot seem to bring myself to call on them when I need to talk

Right now my partner is not working. I work 8-4 during the week, and my job is very demanding. I am responsible for 154 retail stores across Canada from a Network perspective. If one store loses connectivity to the Internet / debit system, I am the one they call. I have done this for 7 years now, and my job is the least of my stressors even though it is a lot of responsibility. My stress stems from coming home at lunch break to do all the dishes, make the bed, start a load of laundry, and sweep or some other chore that does not get done while I work every day. I have been so tired, and if I let anything go, it is called on and complained about. I come home in the evening to a man in a robe, who has spent his entire day watching TV, sleeping, or playing video games. I don't mind hid hobbies, I support them. But doing all the physical chores, working full time, and having the occasional sick stomach, constant joint pain and depression is all starting to eat at me.

I was told once by my partner that it was a waste to attach yourself to someone who is just going to die. It was just punishing yourself if you let yourself do just that. Those words will not leave my mind. I want so badly to just be hugged, and have him kiss my forehead and tell me everything will be ok. I no longer feel that everything will be ok at all

I want so badly to call my mom, or someone who will actually listen. I have not felt this low in a long time. Tomorrow is back to work again, and after two days off to clean my entire house from top to bottom, get all the laundry done and cook and clean up after 6 meals, I am so exhausted. Why can't the *wiggle your nose* theory really exist?

I know I must sound so pitiful. I am so sorry, but as I sit here alone and crying without even being checked on to see if I am ok, I just needed an ear.

01-08-2012, 06:49 PM   #2
mickey
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Illinois
Sorry to hear you are having a bad day. Since it sounds like your partner is not a legally bound commitment, dissolve that and move on. He is clearly not supportive or willing to be there for you, so why stay? You need to be good to yourself and be a positive exampe for your children. Trust me, they are learning more negative from this situation, than you think. Perhaps this will snap your partner and help him move on. Clearly the connection is not positive for either of you. You need to be able to focus on your health and getting better; improving your health.

We all are going to die at some point, so not sury why your partner would make such a selfish comment. Marriage is not about waiting for someone to die, but much deeper emotional commitment.

Call your mother and confess what is happening and you will be surprised at the support; as well as that from friends. People do not like people complaining constantly, but can deal with it when the person also makes suggestions of how to improve their situation. You need to take baby steps to improve your living situation. You can easily be dragged down into depression if you keep on this path. Good luck!
01-09-2012, 05:35 AM   #3
StormyWeather
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: New Brunswick
If anything, your comment has shown me that this forum is not at all what I believed it to be. I thought it was a place to be able to feel, and talk about those feelings without being judged. When someone is feeling depressed, do you honestly think that being told that their relationship is not worth their time is a good thing to say? I am aware of what abuse is, and my daughter has never been a witness to it. We are not miserable, and have spent 3 wonderful years together. My diagnosis scared him, as it did I. Why anyone would read a 3 minute post and write someone's relationship off as garbage is beyond me.

My fiancé has spent 2 years fighting in Afghanistan, and suffers from PTSD. He was wonderful enough to risk his life to provide a future for his family, and even though times have been a little tough, I will not walk away from him. Would that not be a little hypocritical when I expect support? I believe in standing beside each other through the good times, as well as bad. Lol the only thing your post has done was show me that this is not a place to talk and be understood. You might as well have told me to just stop feeling gross, something everyone on this site hates to hear. Yesterday was a depressing day for me. But after reading this comment, I looked and looked for a way to delete my own post.

I am a strong individual, and have always rose above anything life had to throw my way. I held my fathers hand while he passed on, and had my own son die in my arms. Even through those times, I helped myself and never felt sorry for myself. I have always... *always* been responsible for making positive changes in my own life, without expecting others to do it for me.

Do not be so quick to judge someone, you cannot write off something when you do not understand the ins and outs of the situation. We all have bad days, we all hurt, and we all need support. If I am wrong about that, then this forum is definitely not for me.
01-09-2012, 05:54 AM   #4
Cross-stitch gal
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StormyWeather,
I just want to say that we all can feel overwhelmed at times. Whether it's dealing with this disease or not. Thank you for venting your frustrations. I hope you'll be able to feel a little better stress wise soon. Let me know if you need to talk.
Lisa
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01-09-2012, 11:26 AM   #5
Rebecca85
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Nottingham, UK
All I can say is, I know how you feel! I also bottle things up, and feel that no one listens to me! Bu I know my mum will always have a hug at the ready, which is sometimes all you need

As for chores, I have found that I need to let some things slide- does it matter if my house is absolutely spotless? Does it matter if my clothes go unironed? I also need to take a lunch break at work, even if it's only 30 minutes, just to sit down and recharge my batteries a little.

Just out of interest, how old are your children? Are any of them at an age where they can do some of the simpler jobs in return for pocket money? When I was younger I loved helping my mum around the house! And you mentioned 6 meals, do you mean you cook 6 separate things or cook for 6? If its the first, maybe that's somewhere else you can save a bit of time and energy!
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