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01-18-2012, 02:59 PM   #1
tlc-x
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I'm turning into a bitter bitch.

Being stuck at home all day long, every day being ill is taking its toll.

I like to think that i'm a nice, good person who is there for my friends. And they used to say how nice I am. But now i'm getting bitter and jealous of everyone. I'm turning in to a bitch.

Starting arguments, getting involved with arguments.

I hate it, and this isn't me. It's not medication, it's just this illness.

I'm undiagnosed, and I have no life. I'm existing not living. I've been turning down jobs, not going to college, relying on paracetamol to make me feel better.

I'm pushing everyone away and i'm nasty!

I don't know what to do, but there is nothing I can do. I'm frustrated and fed up and i'm taking it out on everyone.

Anyone else done this or felt like this? What can I do to go back to being me? :/
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~ Tasha.
~ Seventeen years old.
~ South of England
~ All my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents have either CD or UC
~ Fifth year of not living my life properly due to the symptoms
~ Endoscopy, colonscopies, MRI scans, ultrasound scans, blood tests, biopsies, urine tests and so on!
~ Been on so many different medications and nothing actually helps
~ Latest diagnosis is 'Functional Dyspepsia'

01-18-2012, 04:10 PM   #2
bonbonbowen
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I feel the same. Your aloud to be a bit shitty sometimes.
If you are going to be mean about people, do it in a funny way to make yourself giggle.

Take care
01-18-2012, 04:28 PM   #3
rygon
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Yeh I definately snap a lot more easily. I think its due to the fatigue more than the pain. Before I got better I was getting 12hrs sleep + yet it only felt like 4. Any person who had 4 hrs sleep would get irritable.

Its hard, you either snap or dont speak, then people say you are being too quiet.

Have you had any blodd tests done? are you dificient in anything?
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01-19-2012, 07:44 AM   #4
tlc-x
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I've had sooo many blood tests. I have inflammation 35/11 ... very high as the healthy person is 11/11. I've also had urine tests which show blood in my pee. I've got problems with my kidneys now too as well as the IBD and such. Just stressed out today!! Gotta have an urgent ultrasound scan soon too. Thanks for asking. How are you?
01-19-2012, 10:33 AM   #5
StarGirrrrl
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Hope your kidneys turn out okay, and if there is a problem it can be easily solved

I have had inflammation at that level for 5 years but sadly it has not gotten me near a dx yet can you believe. It took 2 years of more tests (after being ill for 3 on top of that previously) even for the wonderful Rheumy to be willing to label my problems as "inflammatory disease of unknown origin". Gastro happy to deny clinical results and call it IBS. This occured 5 years ago and currently. Even the nice A&E Dr who gave me morphine for my pain once said he would only be worried if the numbers were 70+. That p!ssed me off since there is a normal range for a reason, my numbers may not be that high but they are higher than normal which still counts as raised!

That's the CRP test I think you are talking about, and some other blood tests for me called C3/C4 came back enormously high (normal range for c3 is 150-400 and mine is 750!). But they are inflammation markers only, it can't tell you a cause or even part of the body. Of course bowel symptoms+ inflammation in blood should lead Drs in the right direction but it doesn't always, especially as IBD is a disease which likes to hide. Or if you have Drs like me who ignore it and call it IBS anyway when the other tests are normal and despite red flag symptoms like passing blood and having D during the night.

When that is your only evidence it can be a battle I will warn you. My first Gastro ignored it after a normal colonoscopy. My second Gastro took my CRP seriously until my other tests came back normal. Then it was dismissed as unimportant. My third I have only seen once but the normal tests outweight the CRP in his view.

Let's hope you have a better Hospital than me Keep us posted when you can!



If it's any consolation I have turned into a bitter bitch too. When I am in my worst moods I take myself off to my room so I don't inflict them on anyone. My family do understand though. I hate the person I have become but until I get a dx and treatment that will not change and I have to accept being this way, even though it's not good.
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2006. Tummy issues (more IBD than IBS).
2009 joint pain/worsening tummy issues.
CRP 20-36 2006-now. C3/C4 inflammation markers huge,
2014 IDA & low B12.

June 2014 admitted to Hospital 3 nights as emergency transfused 2 units of blood. Dangerous case of anaemia.
Caught by pure chance!
Cause currently unknown but suspected CD.

Waiting on blood & stool results from January.

Hoping to stop anaemia treatment soon & lower B12 daily dose!
01-19-2012, 10:49 AM   #6
Slim Johnson
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You sound very depressed. And you are not alone.

Sometimes, I have to take time to be alone because I am jumping down the throat of anyone within reach. Angry that I am going to the toilet 7-10 times a day, angry that I can't work, and that my lovely wife has to work 2 jobs to make ends meet. Angry that my kids have to spend so much time at home because I can't take them out for a good time.. I hate my body for turning against me, and I know that tomorrow won't be as good as yesterday. Sometimes I romanticize suicide.. The reality is that I know I can't do that because I have too many responsibilities. (as I am sure you do too..)

It's okay to feel like this. You have been dealt a bad hand, and it is tough to manage. As I mentioned before, take things one day at a time. If you think too far ahead of yourself, you will be overwhelmed, just as you will if you dwell on the past. Trust me on that.

Also take solace in the fact that you can find support here, if nowhere else. Hopefully you have a supportive family as well. It's okay to be angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, or whatever else you may be feeling. Denial, and self destruction are the only things that you have to work against you.

Take care, and hang in there. One day at a time!
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01-19-2012, 08:52 PM   #7
spingirl
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You should not have to deal with this at such a young age. It's hard enough being 16 and healthy...you have every right to be angry. It won't get you anywhere but...your feelings are perfectly normal. I go through waves...some days I am ok and other days...just one little thing will set me off. I scare myself sometimes. I think I could use an antidepressent but none of my doctors will perscribe one. I don't know why...most docs give them out like candy. Figures...I found the last few responsible ones.
01-19-2012, 10:48 PM   #8
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I completely agree with all of the above, and would also add that you should take a few minutes to phone or write the friends you feel you are pushing away. Tell them that you still love them, even though you haven't been showing it because you are going through a rough time. Your real friends will forgive you and stand by you.
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01-20-2012, 04:46 AM   #9
Tay
 
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Hi Tasha
My wife is from Parkstone! Yes - its a horrible disease. Have you considered contacting NACC - i think they might have people you could speak to when you are feeling awful. It can take a while to be able to make a firm diagnosis, but things do get better when on the correct meds. Best wishes.
01-20-2012, 06:50 AM   #10
tlc-x
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Tay, what is NACC and how do I contact them? Thanks everyone.
01-20-2012, 06:50 AM   #11
Nell Bell
 
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Being stuck at home all day long, every day being ill is taking its toll.

I like to think that i'm a nice, good person who is there for my friends. And they used to say how nice I am. But now i'm getting bitter and jealous of everyone. I'm turning in to a bitch.

Starting arguments, getting involved with arguments.

I hate it, and this isn't me. It's not medication, it's just this illness.

I'm undiagnosed, and I have no life. I'm existing not living. I've been turning down jobs, not going to college, relying on paracetamol to make me feel better.

I'm pushing everyone away and i'm nasty!

I don't know what to do, but there is nothing I can do. I'm frustrated and fed up and i'm taking it out on everyone.

Anyone else done this or felt like this? What can I do to go back to being me? :/
^^^^^^^^ This is exactly how I feel a lot, you took the words right out of my mouth! I hope you feel better soon. I also thought once I was diagnosed I would be able to handle things better... Thus far it hasn't happened yet. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it.
01-20-2012, 06:52 AM   #12
xX_LittleMissValentine_Xx
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This disease is very up and down. Try to remember the things that make you happy. And if you are not in too much pain then maybe try to go for a short walk to have some fresh air and give your self some thinking time and space to yourself.
You will not feel like this forever, although I know it feels like it will never end. Once you get diagnosis and some medication to make you feel better, you will feel so much happier!
I've learnt how to ride these ups and downs. It doesn't make the hard times any easier, but it makes the good times so much better.
Hang in there and keep fighting. x x
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~Holly~
Diagnosed with CD March 08 at 17
Currently on:
Infliximab

Past:
Pentasa
Prednisolone
Azathioprine

My blog: http://hollysbloggyness.blogspot.com/
01-20-2012, 07:18 AM   #13
Tay
 
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Hi Tasha

I was diagnosed when I was 15, 52 now! So I can empathise with you. NACC is National Association for Crohns and Colitis BUT its now changed its name to Crohns and Colitis UK. Google them - they have a web site.
01-20-2012, 12:57 PM   #14
tlc-x
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Thank you all.

Tay, I shall check them out, thank you to you and your wife.

xx
01-21-2012, 07:14 PM   #15
chunnicutt
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I feel your pain...I am depressed most of the time because I feel different from everyone around me. They either don't understand why I can't eat the same foods they can, or they get mad because I cancel plans with them all the time. All I want to do is stay home because I don't feel good, which fuels the depression even more. Find someone who you can talk to, or keep a journal about how you feel about everything that is going on in your life. Hell, vent everyday on here if it makes you feel better. There are thousands of people on this site to listen to you and to comfort you. I'm finding that just being on here, reading about other people's struggles with CD makes me feel like I'm not alone.

I really hope you get a diagnosis soon, and that you begin to feel better...

Much love
01-21-2012, 07:33 PM   #16
spingirl
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I think NACC is the National Association of Chrons and Colitis. You can google and find them pretty easy. I did it the other day and found my local chapter. I have to fill out a form but they will put me in touch with a peer who has a stoma...since that is my future...at some point. They responded quickly. Good Luck!
01-22-2012, 09:59 AM   #17
Devynnsmom
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Hi Tasha, my 10 year old daughter was *unofficially* diagnosed in Dec 2009 at 8 years old. She had horrible tantrums and rages from the time symptoms started when she was about 18 mos old. When she started seeing her GI (she ened up in hosp and the on call dr sent her to the GI because of some test results) I asked them if her tantrums and rages could possibly have anything to do with the IBD. I was told that children often have behaviour issues because they are always in pain, feeling unwell etc. Within a week of being on meds for IBD (Pentasa) she was a different child and I am VERY happy to say that up until a week ago, she had never had another tantrum. She can be miserable, but I really don't blame her one bit. She feels unwell, has joint pain, diareah etc. I think it would make me miserable too.
I think that because you are feeling awful all the time, it can't be helped that it would change your mood. (((((hugs)))))) I hope you get a diagnosis soon and they can get you back to feeling better.
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Devynn (12 years old) was *unoficially* diagnosed with Crohn's disease in Dec 2009.
That diagnosis was changed to Ulcerative Colitis in Mar 2012.
Pentasa ASA Dec 2009-Mar 2012 (dosage tweaked a couple of times)
Mezavant Mar 2012- Nov 2012
Sulfasalazine-Nov 2012
01-22-2012, 10:18 AM   #18
Fozzyboy
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Totally have those days especially during the 5 years I was getting berated by erogant idiot doctors who kept telling me it was just a nervous stomach or that I just wanted drugs or my personal favorite I had munchausens. Compassion is def not taught in med school but I got lucky one night I had passed out due to severe bleeding and dehydration from vomiting and the hospital we were going to was on diversion. Long story short I found an awesome GI doc who said we are doing a scope now and bam there it was severe inflammation and ulcerations in themlower colon immediately he showed my parents and said she has Chron's. He does notngo just by biopsy but by what he sees. He just received an award as one of the top GI docs in America and he explained that not all people with chrons has a positive biopsy. Now I have a team of doctors that he assembled consisting of him, my family doc, and my general surgeon.
As for the bitchyness it's part of the depression that comes with the loss one suffers from chronic illness and it is normal itndoesnt make you a bad person just human
01-23-2012, 03:07 AM   #19
Slim Johnson
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I feel better when I poop!!!!
01-23-2012, 05:51 AM   #20
tlc-x
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Hahaha!
02-24-2012, 01:27 PM   #21
sarw
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Iwe had some of the same issues, the pains from my pyoderma ruined my sleep, and stole the focus for huge lumps of my awake time also.

What really helped me, was to FORCE my self to be positive, id allow my self to rage and scream when alone for a lil time, to vent as needed.

But in general I would be very mentally aware to be very positive. Not that i would allways succed as well as i hoped, but in generally it lifted my spirit.

Yes it sucked i couldnt go out, and do a lot of stuff I would have done before. But I tried finding intrest I could do instead. Instead of focussing on all the stuff i could not do, I started to focus on what I could do, and enjoy that. If i had to be at the hospital, id just fast tell my self, that alltough id rather be at home, I might as well make the best of it. And instead of sitting alone in my hospital room, id socialize, share stories, play games or whatever with the other patients.

A 23-25 yo guy dont allways have a lot in common with a 85 yo lady, but surprisingly i found, that if you tried there was allways something to talk about, and some card game both of you knew.

During the last 2 years where iwe been sick, iwe undoubtably missed a lot, i cant work or studyso my financial situation isent good, and some life plans are a bit behind schedule. But iwe meet a woman aged 101, meet some fantastic people i would never have run into, seen a lot of interresting documentaries, read good books and truly realized, how much i mean to my family, and not only mom, dad, brother. But aunts, uncles, grandmother, cousins and so on. Guess i also learned who my true friends are, not everyone stuck around, when stuff got a bit tough.

Set some small goals, get some victories under your belt, shift your daily focus and make the best of it. It might not be as good as it could be if you where 100% well, but if your entire focus is, beeing sick SUCKS, then it truly will big time. All this is easier said then done, and it wont happend from day to day. But im confident, that without focussing on beeing as positive as i can, i would be one very very depressed man right now. Not that im in denial overjoyed now, but im generally in a good mood, and overall whatever is below HAPPY but above content i guess=) Not including the day, here and there, where i let out all the selfpitty, frustration, anger and other steam that needs venting=)
02-24-2012, 01:47 PM   #22
CLynn
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I found I had to let the self pity and frustration and anger wash over for at least a little bit each time, it's not good to push it down and act like nothing is wrong. So I would wallow a bit then call 2-3 great friends, who I vent to, they would listen and then when I was done venting they would get me laughing again. It's been over 20 years, and I still turn to those friends. It definately sucks, but at least now we have this, back then I didn't. You will overcome, I promise. We all do and will, it's our only choice.
02-24-2012, 01:53 PM   #23
sarw
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I found I had to let the self pity and frustration and anger wash over for at least a little bit each time, it's not good to push it down and act like nothing is wrong. So I would wallow a bit then call 2-3 great friends, who I vent to, they would listen and then when I was done venting they would get me laughing again. It's been over 20 years, and I still turn to those friends. It definately sucks, but at least now we have this, back then I didn't. You will overcome, I promise. We all do and will, it's our only choice.
totally agree Clynn =) Key is to return to a positve attitude after you let it out=)

Its easy to get caught in that mental state for too long, or even all the time. The early stage i was pretty much permanently in the mental state, that everything was bad.
02-24-2012, 01:58 PM   #24
CLynn
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Oh, me too, Sarw. The flares were almost constant, would only be a couple of months off meds then back on them again. Many times would go out with my friends to clubs and not be able to drink alcohol at all, but still managed to have a great time with my friends, once the initial pity party was over, lol!
02-24-2012, 02:05 PM   #25
sarw
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The first 6months of my Pyoderma(before it got diagnosed) was horrible for me, and ontop of all the pains and living alone fare away from family. The bitterness of the doctors not taking me serious nearly got the better of me=)
02-24-2012, 02:08 PM   #26
CLynn
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Yes, I understand that. My first doctor I tried to tell was a general practioner, he just assumed it was IBD and sent me on my way. My gut told me it had to be something else (lol, that's funny) and I found a specialist who listened and tested, thankfully! The prednisone for so long, hated that!
02-24-2012, 02:13 PM   #27
sarw
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haha ohh ya prednisone... worst part was the acne, i only had like 3 years clear of that after getting over the puberty madness.

And then that stuff comes and suddently in a matter of days its worse then it had ever been. Ofc the 25kg i gained didnt help either haha.

Glad you can treat the acne and lose the weight=)

They keept treating my wounds as a normal infection evne after months of taking penicillin with no effect. Getting to the point of beieng allergic, is so annoying, because i might get infections later in life where it would have come in handy. But the miss treatment ruined that. Then ontop of that getting told, that the reason your hessitant to buy more penicillin after 2 months with no effect is because your too cheap to spend money on your health, and having a doctor laugh at the fact you where even hospitalized for 3 days at one point, dont help.
02-24-2012, 02:20 PM   #28
CLynn
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And people who mean well telling you to gain weight....like we love going around looking sickly thin and pale, etc. And when the prednisone kicks in, having too much weight, too many chins, lol! I had "normal clothes" and "prednisone clothes"...
02-24-2012, 02:29 PM   #29
sarw
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ya that little pill cost me 25kgs in 5 weeks haha. (in hospital on first 60mg for 2-3 weeks and down to 35 at the end) with 3 meals a day + coffe and cake in between haha.

I never had the problem with beeing thin, i do have a lot of stomach issues, atm, but no diagnosed stuff and it aint affected by how much or little i eat=)

I had to loose the 30-35kg i needed to lose the good old way, of eating less and doing more haha.

The worst someone told me, was after no sleep for 2 days, and only 4 hrs the last 4 days, a nurse said(right as i was about to fall a sleep): Dont sleep during day time or you wont be able to sleep at night!

The selfcontrol needed at that exact moment lol=)
02-24-2012, 02:31 PM   #30
CLynn
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Most definately! Applauding your self control!
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