My son, 26, recently diagosed. I'm grappling with how to be the best mom for him. He doesn't discuss it; takes Pentasa. How do I not think about it constantly and constantly want to (but don't!!) check on him. My Mama- heart breaks. Any suggestions? I buy books and read them and give to him and he politely gives them back. I just want to hold him and rock him.
-
Welcome to Crohn's Forum, a support group for people with all forms of IBD. While this community is not a substitute for doctor's advice and we cannot treat or diagnose, we find being able to communicate with others who have IBD is invaluable as we navigate our struggles and celebrate our successes. We invite you to join us.
Mom of Crohn's Adult Son
- Thread starter Cronie
- Start date
I feel awful right now but I'll just say my mother is actually making me feel upset today because i don't want to be bother with since I'm in pain. I'm 28 and had Ulcerative Colitis for 3 years. Talking about this in person is not my thing but online, i love it.
See what food and supplements he can use. And when he feels better hopefully hes talkative and can research his condition online. You can do the same, lots of info on this forum.
Make sure hes comfortable. i don't know what else to suggest. Worst thing you can do is stress yourself out cause it shows and he'll feel worst.
See what food and supplements he can use. And when he feels better hopefully hes talkative and can research his condition online. You can do the same, lots of info on this forum.
Make sure hes comfortable. i don't know what else to suggest. Worst thing you can do is stress yourself out cause it shows and he'll feel worst.
Hello, Swirl! My first post and first reply. Thanks so much for writing. I am not alone, am I? I'll bet your Mama is just like me. I want to help him so much, but he's a grown adult with his own job, his own life, etc. I've research out the wazoo, but I wonder if he's felt this or that or or.... Yes, I feel like he just doesn't want to stress me out and yes, he can tell I'm stressed even when I'm sure I'm not letting him see..., but him not talking just stresses me out further. I know... I know... Just promise me you'll hug your Mom BIG next time you see her. Again, I can't thank you enough for responding. A thousand thanks!!
I'm 26 as well, and just pretty recently diagnosed. I was diagnosed by having an emergency which absolutely scared the heck out of my mom. She has done great throughout going through all this. I think what has helped me the most is just knowing that she is there for me. When i have needed to go the emergency room, she is the one who normally ends up taking me. She took it upon herself to do research on the disease, and learn what she can about it. I think what has meant the most to me is just knowing that she is there for me now whenever i need her, and is willing to offer any kind of support that she can. This disease is something that is hard for people to understand, so knowing that you have someone who you can go to for support means the world. I think it will help him out just knowing that you are there for him. The fact that you are here seeking out suggestions to help him shows how much you care.
JLanier, thank you so much! He knows, I KNOW, that I am always here for him. Yes, I care for him more than my own life. In fact, I pray every day for this to be given to ME...not him. That hasn't happened yet..... so... He was just diagnosed a few months ago. He had an emergency, too, and ended up in the hospital for days. I'm so glad I found this forum. Please take care of yourself and hug your Mama really big next time you see her. And JLanier, please let me know if you need an ear. Anytime. Thank you!!!!!
Honestly, leave him alone. It's not something people want to discuss. People with Crohn's know how to deal with their symptoms, and generally unless there's a flare up it isn't too difficult to deal with (obviously this does differ person to person, sorry to anyone that does have bad issues with Crohn's).
There becomes a point where other people trying to "look out for you" becomes extremely annoying. For example, I was told in hospital to stay away from fibre during flare-ups. My dad was in the room at the time, and low an behold 3 years later every time we go out he brings up "I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT FIBRE" and when I try to explain it's only during a flare up, he just rebuttles with "IT'S WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID".
The point is, it's not that huge of a life change (depending on severity) apart from finding what foods set you off, and avoiding them. He's dealing with it, and having other people try and give you advice on your own body is extremely annoying and/or frustrating. Imagine having your son try and give you advice on how to deal with say, period pain each month. it's not entirely something you want to discuss.
People have tried to give me information about Crohn's in the past, but the problem is I've looked up what it is, I've found the information myself and I know what is relevant to me, what sets me off and what I need to avoid.
I'm happy now that people no longer bring it up constantly, and the only time my mother brings it up now is in regards to what foods I can/can't eat, for example if she made a curry she's ask about how much heat it could be for it not to make me sick.
Sorry for the long winded post, but I'm a 20 year old who still lives at home who had to deal with a mother in the same situation. Obviously, he doesn't want it brought up, and you should care enough to comply. He knows his body, how to deal with it and how to live his life.
There becomes a point where other people trying to "look out for you" becomes extremely annoying. For example, I was told in hospital to stay away from fibre during flare-ups. My dad was in the room at the time, and low an behold 3 years later every time we go out he brings up "I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT FIBRE" and when I try to explain it's only during a flare up, he just rebuttles with "IT'S WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID".
The point is, it's not that huge of a life change (depending on severity) apart from finding what foods set you off, and avoiding them. He's dealing with it, and having other people try and give you advice on your own body is extremely annoying and/or frustrating. Imagine having your son try and give you advice on how to deal with say, period pain each month. it's not entirely something you want to discuss.
People have tried to give me information about Crohn's in the past, but the problem is I've looked up what it is, I've found the information myself and I know what is relevant to me, what sets me off and what I need to avoid.
I'm happy now that people no longer bring it up constantly, and the only time my mother brings it up now is in regards to what foods I can/can't eat, for example if she made a curry she's ask about how much heat it could be for it not to make me sick.
Sorry for the long winded post, but I'm a 20 year old who still lives at home who had to deal with a mother in the same situation. Obviously, he doesn't want it brought up, and you should care enough to comply. He knows his body, how to deal with it and how to live his life.
DustyKat
Super Moderator
Hi Cronie and :welcome:
You are not alone Mum and you will find every single parent on this forum feels as you do. :hug:
No matter how old they will always be our babies and the heart ache at what they have to endure never fades. It is a very fine line between saying nothing at all and saying too much. I know we hunger to hold and soothe them every single time they look at us or walk into a room but we can't. I think the most important thing, more important than words, is for him to know you will be there for him, any time, any place. The fact that he knows that means he will come to you should the need arise and believe me he will.
I have 2 children with Crohn's and the hardest thing I have ever had to do is allow them the freedom and responsibility to take control of their health. I bite my tongue everyday in resisting the urge to say yet again...are you okay. I watch my kids like hawks, the way they walk, the way they move, their appetite, their moods but in such a manner that they don't know I do it, that way I don't have to ask. They come to me when they feel need and they have never yet failed to tell me something of importance. I'm sure your boy will do the same, he knows you are there waiting and will be with him in a heartbeat should he need you.
Give it time Mum, it's hard in the beginning but as time passes you will settle into the new normal and you will catch yourself thinking...hey i haven't thought about Crohn's since the morning! It's still my last thought at night and the first when I wake but hey, there a big chunks of the day now when it's not the foremost thing on my mind.
You are doing fine hun and just as I know you think you are the luckiest Mum on earth to have your son I bet he thinks the same about you!
Dusty. xxx
You are not alone Mum and you will find every single parent on this forum feels as you do. :hug:
No matter how old they will always be our babies and the heart ache at what they have to endure never fades. It is a very fine line between saying nothing at all and saying too much. I know we hunger to hold and soothe them every single time they look at us or walk into a room but we can't. I think the most important thing, more important than words, is for him to know you will be there for him, any time, any place. The fact that he knows that means he will come to you should the need arise and believe me he will.
I have 2 children with Crohn's and the hardest thing I have ever had to do is allow them the freedom and responsibility to take control of their health. I bite my tongue everyday in resisting the urge to say yet again...are you okay. I watch my kids like hawks, the way they walk, the way they move, their appetite, their moods but in such a manner that they don't know I do it, that way I don't have to ask. They come to me when they feel need and they have never yet failed to tell me something of importance. I'm sure your boy will do the same, he knows you are there waiting and will be with him in a heartbeat should he need you.
Give it time Mum, it's hard in the beginning but as time passes you will settle into the new normal and you will catch yourself thinking...hey i haven't thought about Crohn's since the morning! It's still my last thought at night and the first when I wake but hey, there a big chunks of the day now when it's not the foremost thing on my mind.
You are doing fine hun and just as I know you think you are the luckiest Mum on earth to have your son I bet he thinks the same about you!
Dusty. xxx
Hi Cronie,
I agree with everything that's been said above. My son is 17 and was diagnosed last year. They most certainly are our babies and, I'm learning, that this will never, ever end. :ybatty: And, you feel all the more protective when you know that something just isn't right. :frown: Even when the symptoms are on the 'backburner', you worry that, at anytime, something will flare and you just don't want to see them suffer, even the smallest bit.
But, Swirl, jlanier and Shawn, I also completely understand your feelings and you are certainly not wrong. I feel them myself when MY mother continually gives me advice as to how to care for my son. When things are good (or even just 'alright'), I also don't want to be constantly reminded.
Luckily, my son is very patient and considerate but, I could tell, after a few months he was getting tired of my constant 'is everything okay?'. I made him a deal, a New Years' resolution - I would stop asking, if he would promise to tell me if anything seemed to be off. Unfortunately, he's had some issues lately which have necessitated 'discussions' but, I have still kept my questions to the bare necessities and he has let me know of even the smallest symptom.
Cronie, maybe you can have a similar honest discussion with your son. I am truly finding it less worrisome as I believe that I am 'aware' of all issues so no worrying doubts, questions and, I'm sure, my son is relieved that I'm not hounding him endlessly :boring:.
Swirl, jlanier and Shawn - try to be patient with us moms and dads... we worry tons and tons, admittedly, maybe sometimes needlessly. But, we love you and just want you all to have the best of everything!:biggrin:
I agree with everything that's been said above. My son is 17 and was diagnosed last year. They most certainly are our babies and, I'm learning, that this will never, ever end. :ybatty: And, you feel all the more protective when you know that something just isn't right. :frown: Even when the symptoms are on the 'backburner', you worry that, at anytime, something will flare and you just don't want to see them suffer, even the smallest bit.
But, Swirl, jlanier and Shawn, I also completely understand your feelings and you are certainly not wrong. I feel them myself when MY mother continually gives me advice as to how to care for my son. When things are good (or even just 'alright'), I also don't want to be constantly reminded.
Luckily, my son is very patient and considerate but, I could tell, after a few months he was getting tired of my constant 'is everything okay?'. I made him a deal, a New Years' resolution - I would stop asking, if he would promise to tell me if anything seemed to be off. Unfortunately, he's had some issues lately which have necessitated 'discussions' but, I have still kept my questions to the bare necessities and he has let me know of even the smallest symptom.
Cronie, maybe you can have a similar honest discussion with your son. I am truly finding it less worrisome as I believe that I am 'aware' of all issues so no worrying doubts, questions and, I'm sure, my son is relieved that I'm not hounding him endlessly :boring:.
Swirl, jlanier and Shawn - try to be patient with us moms and dads... we worry tons and tons, admittedly, maybe sometimes needlessly.
But, we love you and just want you all to have the best of everything!:biggrin:I see where you guys are coming from. I personally am thankful for my mom taking interest like she has. She doesnt constantly bug me about how im feeling, although it's obvious that she is always concerned. I think after going through what i did with having to have emergency surgery, she isnt as worried since my doctors are saying that things are better, and because i have such good doctors. I know that i personally am thankful for having someone that cares so much, because there are times where this disease does suck, and you are never too old where you dont want to go to mom and have her take care of you. I think it is awesome of you guys to care enough about your kids to come to a forum such as this, and get information.
Thank you all for being on this forum and helping me so much! Shawn C - I got ya....DustyKat...yep I'm THAT mom.. I DO bite my tongue... and Tesscom...yes, they are our babies and always will be. Jlanier...thanks for coming back on...did you hug your Mama like I told you to? Oh, guys... I know... how I should act. You know it's just hard. I am so thankful for you and I will go back to all the responses and read and read again when I feel blue. You'll never know how you've made me feel more human. May God bless each of you and yours. Thank you so much!!
I DO bite my tongue... and Tesscom...yes, they are our babies and always will be. Jlanier...thanks for coming back on...did you hug your Mama like I told you to? Oh, guys... I know... how I should act. You know it's just hard. I am so thankful for you and I will go back to all the responses and read and read again when I feel blue. You'll never know how you've made me feel more human. May God bless each of you and yours. Thank you so much!!
Welcome! I was diagnosed when I was about 12 years old and I know it was very very hard for my parents to cope with their son having a life long disease. They tried to understand what it was like for me, and try as they might, they just could not begin to understand how it is. To read is one thing, to experience is a whole different beast! But, have no fear! In time your son will open up and begin discussing his problems with you. It will be especially hard for someone who was 26 when diagnosed to share with their parents what the disease is like. You sound like you're doing your research and that's fantastic! However, I wouldn't present your research to your son unless he asks for it.
It would be a great thing to introduce him to this forum! I just recently joined (2nd post) and its already supplied me with a ton of information, even after living with the disease for almost 11 years! Hopefully my post can help at least a little bit and just know that there will be a ton of information available for you here.
Good luck! and I hope your son can get everything under control
It would be a great thing to introduce him to this forum! I just recently joined (2nd post) and its already supplied me with a ton of information, even after living with the disease for almost 11 years! Hopefully my post can help at least a little bit and just know that there will be a ton of information available for you here.
Good luck! and I hope your son can get everything under control
Thanks, lew-e! You make complete sense. I'm so glad you're on the forum and getting some good comments and understanding here...just like I am! When I feel I can without butting in, I'll mention this forum to him. I just love him so much I'd take this thing from him right now if I could. I know he's a grown man, but to me, he's still my little babe I used to rock. I want to protect him still from every bad thing. Love to you! And Thanks!!!