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03-18-2012, 09:06 PM   #1
Manzyb
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breaking down

I was diagnosed with clinical depression a few years ago, actually, i guess it's been more like 10 years ago. I find myself going in these cycles where I feel better at times, and then hit these times where I feel depressed and i am just not good enough.

I hate the feeling that I am not good enough for anyone. I hate that I feel like I'm not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough wife, mother, daughter, friend. I have the fact that i feel like everyone would be better off without me. I hate the fact that I don't feel well pretty much all of the time, and i hate myself for hating myself so much!

Today I feel like I've had a little bit of a breakdown. Sometimes i try to hide it so much and put on a smile that i don't deal with the feelings i really have. I just feel so sad and yet so guilty that i have all of these ill feelings towards myself.

Does anyone else constantly struggle with feelings like this? I know I need to seek out a therapist again. I saw one years ago and it really did wonders. I keep saying I'm going to find a new one, I don't and then start feeling better so I just forget about it, until I get depressed again.
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03-18-2012, 09:30 PM   #2
Miss Underestimated
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(((((((((Manzy))))))) I went through times like that when I was younger. Talk to someone - anyone.

I could be your mother - so I can say from the perspective of age - most of this is because you have not developed the skills needed to cope with the troubles life has brought you. I'm sure you've already been told not to compare your insides with other people's outsides - but just a reminder. Make that call, find a therapist or a friend you can trust. Don't withdraw and hide out behind the computer screen.
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*Sick since 1987; managed on my own;
*diagnosed 2008 when I underwent emergency surgery;
*various meds and tests 2008-2012,
*Jan 2012-present, Humira. No symptoms, but scopes indicated disease.
*6MP for all of 2013.
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The statistics I see so far for my situation seem pretty good. There ARE long term statistics for the Anti-TNF drug treatments now. I'm here to make them longER.
03-18-2012, 09:47 PM   #3
mickey
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You may want to seek professional help, if you are getting feelings that others woudl be better off without you. Truly..for your family, please see if there is something they can do to help. A little depression is one thing, but I am not sure if you are suggesting suicidal thoughts, but please know your family needs you; and loves you unconditionally. Feel better!
03-18-2012, 11:01 PM   #4
Jennifer
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*Raises hand* Yes Manzyb I feel that way too. I actually grew up feeling that way or similar. I'd often tell myself that nobody cared about me and that there was nothing good about me, that I was ugly etc etc. I cried a lot as a kid over it and my family never really helped so I had no one to talk to about it but now that we're grown up, we do have people we can talk to. I've cried in front of my fiance about the same thing and so has he. We both deal with depression and anxiety and look towards each other for support (you gotta be able to do that with your significant other or someone close to you). Its ok to cry it out but if you notice that you start having uncontrolled crying spells or thoughts of suicide (that are serious, not the simple fleeting thought that you brush off as complete nonsense, which it is), then you do need counseling along with seeking the advice of a psychiatrist to see if medication will help (be it for depression, anxiety or both as they do come hand in hand).

Why do we beat ourselves up when we know its not true? I don't even know you really and I still care. For me limiting the things that cause anxiety help a little like simple chores being done (if everything is so overwhelming then suddenly I turn all that onto myself and beat myself up for it), desks/tables/rooms being tidy, bills/finances figured out etc (well some of that is easier said than done, especially the finances part for me anyway). Basically reduce the stressors and other negative things around you so it can't do a downward spiral towards you. "Oh there are some dishes that need to be done, oh the litter box needs to be cleaned, oh my room is a mess, oh I can't find a thing in this cabinet, oh its almost time for dinner, what's for dinner, oh I need that pot to make dinner in, oh god its dirty, why can't I ..." See what can happen? Same thing happens now when I think about my student loans and how much I owe and how I can't find a job that will actually pay them off and why can't I get my s#*t together so I can actually get hired for said job.

Slow down, calm down. It's gonna be alright. We're here for you no matter what it is you need. I know that even if you had everything in your life in order you'd still have these issues as that's just the nature of depression but having some ducks in a row can help a little. That and a change of pace (be it a new place to visit, go for a walk a different way, change your hair cut and color (my favorite and go to method) etc.) and possibly medication.

Is that you and your little sweetie in your avatar? Talk about gorgeous!
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Currently in: REMISSION Thought it was a flare but it's just scar tissue from my resection. Dealing with a stricture. Remission from my resection, 17 years and counting.
03-19-2012, 08:11 AM   #5
Manzyb
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Thank you so much for the advice and understanding. I am feeling much better this morning. I talked to my husband last night about not being happy about things, and that helps. I just don't like to talk to him about stuff like that, I feel like he has enough to deal with, but he told me he'd rather me tell him, then to keep it all in.

I do think sometimes that they would be better off without me, but I would never hurt myself. I really wouldn't. I know that is a very selfish thing to do.

Crabby, I do the same thing about everything balling up and then everything seems like it is my fault and i'm a failure!

I think a lot of what stemmed my whole break down feeling/overwhelming anxiety is that my husband and I are getting ready to move. He is in the Marine Corps and we are moving back out to California. Right now we living so close to home and I've loved it. I have a house that I love and a family around who is so in love with my little girl. I'm very unhappy about moving so far away from home again. We have so much to do in the next couple of months and it all just feels so stressful.

I am going to call the doctor today to see if he will up my anti depressant and see if i can get a referral to go talk to someone. It really did help a long time ago.
03-19-2012, 08:12 AM   #6
Manzyb
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@Crabby. yes! that is my little Sadie. She really is amazing
03-19-2012, 12:58 PM   #7
littlemissh
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Manzy,
You are clearly a very beautiful lady and an amazing mother.
The problem is that when you are feeling low your self esteem takes a nose dive, motivation disappears and you feel like you will be like this forever. Post natal depression can manifest itself even up to a year postnatally.

Some people feel that having depression is a weakness in itself however it isn't. Clinical depression is caused by a lack of the chemical called serotonin - so depression is no different in that respect to diabetes (lack of insulin), hypothyroidism (lack of thyroxine) etc. No-one would say a diabetic was a failure just because they don't produce enough insulin would they.

I agree that you should speak with your doctor about your antidepressant dose, and if counselling helped in the past it will probably help now. Being able to say what you want without feeling bad or guilty can be very therapeutic in itself.

Make the most of the days that you feel good and hopefully they will become more frequent.
Big smileys and hugs from across the pond!
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Diagnosed Crohns small bowel 2010,Gastroduodenal crohn's Jan 2012. Gastroparesis june 2014.
Duodenal perforation/peritonitis nov 2011. Portacath placed Nov 2013. Gastric pacemaker 2015.
Perforated jejenum/peritonitis oct 2015, PEJ for enteral feeding nov 2015

On Humira every 7 days, intermittent iv iron, regular blood transfusions :faint:
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03-19-2012, 01:12 PM   #8
Terriernut
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Major belly hugs Manzy! I have the same issues, and I find they run in cycles. Do yours? I did find that cognitive behaviour therapy was a very big help for me. And I did it on my own even. There are books out there to help. However, it doesnt beat professional help! But, if you go to a councilor and also get some books, when you start the self beating up, read the books again. Usually, once you realize you are running an old 'tape' in your head, you can stop yourself.

The point I'm trying to make is this...you have no need to feel unpretty, because I can see your face, and you are beautiful, and I'm NOT saying that to be nice! You are intelligent. You are loving. You are caring. You offer so much to so many. I dont think I can say that about alot of people I meet day to day. You can get through this. Oh, and read the bottom of my sig line...and hey, maybe check out Marianne Williamson? Meanwhile...oh oh....MORE BELLY HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
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DX Crohns Feb 2011, symtoms 1997, 2009 and then WHAM! Emergency surgery for perforated sigmoid, fistula through fallopian tube, septic and near dead: Colostomy-Stan was born 22/12/10. Another parastomal hernia, his name is Ollie and he is MONSTER size!
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03-19-2012, 01:24 PM   #9
nevilletanner
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my wife also has clinical depression and on top of this she also has a form of narcolepsy, been like this since my youngest daughter was born (13 years).

she has a habit of getting very stressed out, the more stressed out the deeper the depression is and the more nasty she gets.

So use to seeing the warning sighs now, i have to often remind her that we are married and that means that if she has to use me to bounce of off then so be it, i pretty much know when to sit her down and let her shout, scream, put me on a ban, divorce me etc etc , then say the right thing so she can start thinking clearly again.

Sounds like you need to talk/ vent frustration etc, you need to loosen up with your husband and talk to him more when your on a downer, he sounds like a person that understands what your going through,
like my wife you should talk more instead of brooding over things, it really does help.

also as LITTLEMISSH says .. doctors ( sometimes i have to gently guide my wife down this path especially if its really bad).

all the best

Last edited by nevilletanner; 03-19-2012 at 01:39 PM.
03-19-2012, 01:31 PM   #10
Ducey99
 
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The cycles of feeling good for a period of time, then bad for a while are pretty standard with depression from what I understand. Like Crohn's, you can have long periods of feeling great, kind of a remission from your depression, and then long periods of the usual depression symptoms.
I also think the comparison to diabetes is spot on. It's not like depression just means you're down in the dumps for a while. Like diabetes, it's caused by chemicals in your body being off, or receptors being unresponsive. The fact that it's your brain makes it significantly more complicated, but not fundamentaly different.
Sounds like you already know exactly what to do, seek out a new therapist.. even if things do start to turn around.
03-19-2012, 02:30 PM   #11
Jennifer
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I do think sometimes that they would be better off without me...
My fiance says the same thing to me pretty often. He was raised in a way that was half overly loving except for when it came to health (his mom) and half practically forgotten (his dad) except for when his dad was mad then it was a little abusive (physically and mentally). He was also made fun of at school and was sexually abused as a child. All of our past affects how we view the world and ourselves now and in the future. Its hard to let go of the past and live in the now and realize that you've grown up and are a different person through life experience and are worth people's time.

My fiance also usually kept it bottled in so when he first started feeling this way around me he would have crying spells that would take hours to get out of (or it'd be an all day thing). Now he talks a little in front of me (cause I force it, I wont let him be alone when I know he's sad) and cries less and can snap out of his "funk" quicker than he used to.

I'm no therapist but I've seen a lot of them and know how to listen and sometimes know what to say lol, but its the fact that he's talking to someone about it I think (where he tells them everything and they know all he's been through, never leave anything out, even child abuse when you talk to a therapist) is what has made him feel less awful less often. So I'm glad you're interested in seeing someone.

What part of Ca are you moving to? I know a great therapist in my area (San Luis Obispo). So if you're moving to the central coast then let me know and I'll give you her info (she also specializes in couples counseling so you can bring your husband and little one of you want sometimes).
03-19-2012, 03:28 PM   #12
Manzyb
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I very much appreciate all of the advice and support

Deep down I know it isn't my fault how I'm feeling. I hate to actually say what I'm feeling about things, because it just seems so ridiculous to me to say it out loud!

I'm also on no meds right now for my Crohn's, i've been awaiting approval on Tysabri for over 6 weeks now. I think once that starts going and I start feeling better physically, I'll be able to be mroe active and get a lot of stress out at the gym again. Exercising helps a whole lot, and so does just sitting out in the sun with a good book.

Today, I woke up, I got myself out in the nice warm sun and took a walk, did some cleaning, and then I sat out in the sun for a bit.

@Crabby.. we are going to be in San Diego, my husband is getting stationed at Miramar.. I think that is quite some way from where you are!

I feel like I can breathe a bit better today since I got a lot of stuff off my chest last night. Obviously I still need help on trying to improve my self esteem and such. I've been looking into therapists around here, and am giong to talk to my GP about getting a referral.

Again, thank you all so much for the advice, it really does help out so much.
03-19-2012, 03:34 PM   #13
Manzyb
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@ Misty... it really does go in cycles!!! I do catch myself sometimes getting further and further down. About a month after the surgery, I was getting very depressed, that is when I asked to be put back on the anti depressants. I stopped taking them when I got pregnant and just didn't go back on them because I was doing well. Thank you for the tips on books! I will look around and download some onto my kindle, i'm a big reader!

@littlemissh.. thank you for giving that comparison. It really does help when others give you different perspectives on things you are going through. I really tried to make the most of today! Sadie was with her grandma and I took it as an opportunity to do some things for myself for a change. That in itself helps a lot too.
03-20-2012, 02:09 PM   #14
Miss Underestimated
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I can see how moving across the country from family would be stressful!! I grew up in a military family, and it isn't just your husband who's serving - so are you. Bless you both, and your little one, too.
03-20-2012, 06:58 PM   #15
KellyMom
 
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Big hugs to you! I feel that way almost daily. It was mild depression before I started having the pain, but now with this recent new diagnosis I just feel overwhelmed, depressed, worthless. I also have two young kiddos, and I feel like I can never the Mom to them I want to be because where I want to be most days is in bed crying and wishing the pain would stop. It stinks big time. I just wanted to say you are not alone.
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03-20-2012, 08:56 PM   #16
Manzyb
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Thank you Miss! It is true, the military families do do time as well. I wouldn't compare it to what he goes through when he's deployed, but being at home and keeping things afloat can be very challenging. It is a lot of stress, and we were talking about our big move coming up and I think all of my feelings about everything came to a head the other night.

@Kellymom. I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. It is rough and it does feel very lonely sometimes. If you ever want to vent or need to just have someone understand and not judge, you can always e-mail me or PM me. It is really rough when you are first diagnosed and trying to deal with everything. I was 15 at the time and didn't have two little ones, I can only imagine how hard that is. I've got my little 11 month old, and yes it is very hard to take care of her some days when I just feel like pulling the covers back over my head, but I do think she keeps me going even though it is physically very hard to do.
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