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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Vent Away » Can I just vent? Not completely to do with Crohns


04-01-2012, 12:07 AM   #1
LittlebitsMommy
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Can I just vent? Not completely to do with Crohns

I am not sure if its okay for me to just come here and vent or not. I just really dont have anywhere else to go and my heart is aching so bad right now.

Feeling abit overwhelmed today. Kota hasnt been feeling any better which makes it hard as you all know so well. We went today to the cemetary because I just wanted to talk to my daddy. He was my very best friend until he passed away 5 years ago in my arms after I had cared for him for 5+ years. He had lung cancer. I miss him everyday and now with Ko being sick I just wish he was here to talk to and give me some advise. I also worry that I am not going to do exactly what Ko needs or miss something. Never felt until today that I could have done more to have saved my daddy. Like maybe I let him down and I dont want to do the samething to Kota.

I am not close to my mom at all. I have always wanted to be and have reached out to her and always been shot down. Well tonight I thought I would call her. She hasnt called since ko was in the hospital over a month ago and then she told me nothing was wrong with him the doctors were just trying to find something wrong so I would be happy. Yeah okay mom I really want something to be wrong with my child. I knew there was because he was in constant pain. Well tonight when I called I guess I just wanted to hear one of my parents voices. Thought maybe I would hear an I love you. Well when I get her on the phone she tells me how bad everything is for her (she has been having asthma problems but still smokes and she is taking steriods). I listen and tell her how sorry I am and if I can do anything to let me know. She then ask how Ko is and I tell her he isnt doing any better then he was when we left the hospital. She says well why not. Crohns is manageable he should be fine by now. Uh okay his isnt right now. I said I am very blessed that its not worse because I know it could be but right now its not manageable. I said it worries me at some point to think he could loose his colon or part of his intestine. I said he has a long hard road ahead of him. She said well its manageable that all that should matter. I then told her Skyler had to go Monday to see the Gi because they want to test him for Crohns also. She said what? Ko gave this to Sky.. Its contagious how could you let that happen? I said no mom its not contagious ( trying to fight back the tears). It can run in families. And Sky has had trouble with his stomach since he was 6 months old and recently passed blood. I wanted to say if you were a caring grandma you would know this but I didnt. I kept my mouth shut. She is always so mean and ugly. She told me after one of Kotas hospital stays years ago if I was a good mom my kids wouldnt be sick. And that is so far from the truth. I put my everything into being a good mom. My kids are my everything. I take very good care of them and pray so hard for them to not be sick.
I think I am just going to have to not call her at all. For years my kids have told me mom I am so sorry for the way your mom is to you. And I have always told my kids its okay. We cant change her all we can do is make sure we are not like her.
She has always been all over me since I was little about my weight. So I know if she seen Ko now she would have something to say about his weight gain.
Sorry for the vent. Just have an achy heart. If you made it through all this thanks for listening
04-01-2012, 12:29 AM   #2
happy
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Hey LittlebitsMommy,
Sure, you can vent about anything that you want to in the Vent Away thread!

I am sorry to hear that when you were sad and missing your daddy and reached out to your mom, she wasn't able to give you what you needed or even be kind to you. That really sucks. Many of us turn to our parents when we are having a hard time--and we expect them to be there for us, just as we try to be there for our own kids.

My mom died too young from cancer as well. Remember that it is the disease that took our parents, not something we did or didn't do.

Something that has helped me when I miss my mom and really need to talk to her is to imagine a conversation with her. I talk to her as if I am talking to her on the phone and I imagine her responses to my comments just as though she were still alive. It might sound weird, but somehow I really do 'tap' into what she would say in that situation and gain her wisdom. After my imagined conversation I feel really close to her again and more able to carry-on with what was bothering me. I think that she would be glad that I was doing this--that she was still helping me in this way. Perhaps you could try this when you are missing your dad--at least this way you could imagine kind and encouraging responses from him.

May your son's health soon improve. Sending you a hug.
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04-01-2012, 01:33 AM   #3
Susan2
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You know the old saying:" You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." And it's even worse when it's your mother who is causing you heartache - mothers are supposed to care for and nurture us.

But, for your sake, please don't cut her off completely. If something happens to her, you could be letting yourself in for a life of feeling guilty and you don't need that in addition to what you are dealing with already.

Try to develop some strategies for your communications with her: Firstly, try not to expect what you know you won't get - then, if you do get it, it will be a lovely surprize. Always ask how she is, but just let it pass over you - if she's anything like one of my sisters, she will just talk and won't even realise that you are actually doing the crossword at the same time. You are reacting really well now; just go on doing that. If she asks about Kota, say something like, "He's not too well, but..." and then say something positive about what he has done or said or whatever. Don't give her the opportunity to say negative things. If you want to try to educate her about Crohns, it might be better to do it in a written form by letter or email. Then you can't get an immediate negative response.

And finally, have some strategy for ending the phone call that will not cause offence. I have a dog that I taught to bark if I say "Door!" in a particular tone of voice. It's great because I can say: "Oops, there's someone at the door. Must go." Or ring when you know that you have only a set time before you have to do something.

Sorry that this has gone on so long. It's only some ideas - I hope that things get better for you soon.
04-02-2012, 11:49 PM   #4
LittlebitsMommy
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Thanks so much Happy I am going to try that. Because I miss and love my daddy so much.



Susan 2 I dont want to turn my back on my mom and never really expected her to be a certain way. I may have wanted her to love me the way I do my kids but I know she truly isnt capable of that.

Tonight did it in with my mom. The other night I posted on FB about how Ko was having a good day but sometimes some people can just put you in a bad mood and mess up your day. No names were mentioned and my mom doesnt even own a computer. Well my phone starts being blown up the next day by my mom. I didnt answer it because I could tell by her messages that she was being really rude and it wouldn't end up good. She continued to call and leaving messages. Finally tonight I asked Steve (husband) should I call her back. Because I dont want it to ever be that I didnt try my hardest with her. Steve said you can call if you want but please dont let her get you upset. So I called her back. She told me I needed to stay off FB that she had been shown what I had put. I said okay I post on FB all the time which one. She said the one you posted the other night about someone messing up your day. I said okay how do you know it was about you. Did you do something wrong? Well let me just say I never raised my voice to her once because she is my mother. But she told me how I was lying about Ko being sick. And how she had been reading and was educated about Crohns and that it didnt run in families. That it is always manageable and that I wanted my kids to be sick. She then went to saying well I guess you nursing Ko didnt make him healthy now did it? (I was a very dedicated breastfeeder and did it longer than most to try and help Ko with his medical issues) Thats when Steve said that was enough and none of my moms business. He suggested for me to hang up the phone. My mom continued to tell me how horrible of a mother I am. How she was sick of me talking about my dad (becasue I post about him on FB). He was my best friend and I miss him. My mom and dad wasnt still married when my dad died. I said well you will never make me stop talking about my daddy. I said I love him and there was never a day that went my that I didnt know he loved me. She said so what are you saying I dont Fing love you. I said mom sometimes with the things you say to me I wonder. She said you are so fing stupid and cant do anything. I said okay. She said well consider yourself dead to me and hung up.

I love her and always will. She gave me life and if it wasnt for her I wouldnt have my 3 wonderful kids. But I cant keep doing this to me and my family. I need to focus on Kota and him feeling better.
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