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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Partners, Family, Friends & Caregivers » Tell me how to make him understand


10-10-2012, 10:46 PM   #1
ontariomom
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Grey/Bruce, Ontario
Tell me how to make him understand

I posted a long while ago about how my husband didnt seem to understand.

Well i know that he is stressed out. I know that there is alot of money going out right now. It just seems like everytime we turn around something else needs fixed. For example, my truck is in to a mechanic for the 4th week in a row.........and now my daughters car is needing repair and his truck needs repair......

he is stressed cause he is the only one working right now.

My daughter(oldest) just had surgery 4 weeks ago on her knee. She hasnt been able to get back to work yet. And my husband gets stressed out and then starts saying how she must be able to work a little...

then he starts saying how he is the only one working, and its alot. AND I KNOW!!!
I dont think he gets how bad and horrible i feel about all this. I mean i keep telling him, if i had a choice, do you think i would choose this????

I had an awesome job i loved. I had to quit, i just couldnt do it.

And now? well ......still no treatment........almost 2 yrs later.

Yes we are broke, yes we hve trouble paying bills etc. But OMG i dont know what to do!!!

I have been in so much pain the last 5 days. Its my leg, and i can barely walk or sit.....and sleeping,well i spent some nights sitting in the living room cause i just cant sleep from the pain.

But he needs me to get a job. i dont know how???

How --what do i say to him???? How do i make him understand???

I know that most of his attitude is stress and i feel bad i cant help with that. I try. But i also know that if i get stressed out again over everything, it will hurt. It causes me pain. And i cant do that.

There is no way i can physically work right now. I can barely handle the household and the kids . I couldnt even take my youngest to her hockey practice on saturday cause of the pain. And i know he wasnt impressed on that. But he was working........so it was my choice.

He can be the sweetest caring man. I know he is worried. I know he is fed up. I know he is so sick of me being sick.

But how do i make him udnerstand that i am all those things too????

I am at a loss. I feel like i need to just try harder.

My other issue is this: if i find a job, i will have to work weekends, casue lets be honest i am not qualified for a good job. So then i will need to find a sitter as well cause my hubby has been working 7 days a week for the last......well since spring. With a few days off here and there.

He is selfemployed so therefore he needs to get the job done.

I dont want to be crabby with him, but i so just want to shake him!!!!!!

any ideas?
10-11-2012, 01:52 AM   #2
Jennifer
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Definitely a tough situation. I mean sure getting the odd job here and there for some extra cash sounds like a grand idea but you're in a lot of pain and are still undiagnosed. If you didn't have these issues then you would have never quit your job in the first place. Really it seems like all you can do right now is try and get your health in order (diagnosed, treated and feeling better) and then get back on the job horse. Two years with no real answers is a long time though. Sorry I don't recall but how many specialists have you seen? If its the same one (or even a second one) I might try moving onto someone else. Does anyone live near you that could take you to appointments (family members or friends) who does have a reliable vehicle?

People who are on the outside standing by and watching their loved ones suffer go through a lot of different emotions. Sounds like your husband might be in the anger stage which is understandable since he's not really getting a break from work, has his wife suffering and he doesn't know how to help or if he even can or mad at himself for not being able to do anything, mad that he can't help his daughter heal faster, mad that all the cars seem to be breaking down at the same time just to pin him down financially and mentally and so much more. There's simply too much going on and honestly I don't really know how to help his stress level. Just do your best at doing what you can when you're able and do your best to make sure you get the treatment you need so you can move on with your life and in turn will take some stress off of him. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
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Diagnosis: Crohn's in 1991 at age 9
Surgeries: 1 Small Bowel Resection in 1999; Central IV in 1991-92
Meds for CD: 6MP 50mg
Things I take: Tenormin 25mg (PVCs and Tachycardia), Junel, Tylenol 3, Omeprazole 20mg 2/day, Klonopin 1mg 2/day (anxiety), Restoril 15mg (insomnia), Claritin 20mg
Currently in: REMISSION Thought it was a flare but it's just scar tissue from my resection. Dealing with a stricture. Remission from my resection, 17 years and counting.
10-11-2012, 01:20 PM   #3
Ihurt
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: United States

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I am so sorry you are going through all this. I totally can relate. I have not even been Dx yet either. I am still trying to get all the tests I need to find out what is going on.

I have been sick for 8 years with many different health issues though, that some are very disabling. When I first got sick, doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. My husband at first kept telling me that it was all stress and that I needed to learn to calm down. When in all reality, my stress was because I was so sick and no one was helping me.

After awhile my hubby finally realized how sick I was and how much pain I was in. He became very supportive after that. I will say this, it is very hard for a loved one to deal with a spouse who is chronically ill. It is stressful. But your husband has to realize that you did not ask to be sick, it happened. Tell him If the shoe were on the other foot, you would be nothing but supportive of him. He should not make you feel guilty, that is horrible. It is hard enough with you being sick to have to be made to feel even worse with him laying guilt trips on you is not acceptable.

Is there anyway he could accompany you to some of your doctor visits, meaning if they are after he gets out of work? I found that when I took my hubby with me and had the doctor explain to him about my illness, he was more apt to believe that I am really going through a tough time of it.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Yes, it is stressful for your hubby to watch you be so sick, I mean he loves you and probably feels helpless. But he has to realize that he is not helping the situation by throwing his stress on you with all you already have to deal with.. Maybe have a good sit down talk with him about how you feel and what it going on.. Good luck and hope you get some answers soon..
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