Sex/Intimacy and Issues about my body

Not meaning to sound overly egotistical, but I used to think my body was "alright", you know. However, I've recently been discharged from hospital and I look at myself in the mirror and I am disgusted at what I see. If the stoma wasn't enough, I have huge scars everywhere; plus, they stitched me up inaccurately after the 2nd operation so the bottom half of my stomach goes "more inwards" than the rest. I also split my stitches vomiting straight after the operation so I have a huge hole just about my pubic region. It looks awful.
I'm beginning to think no woman will want to come near me again.
Does anyone else have similar insecurities?

Being a woman with huge scars, it is hard. We're supposed to have
flawless beautiful bodies to be attractive. But I see mine as battle scars,
a reminder that I have survived a lot of stuff. Luckily, I have a husband
who finds them to be 'cool battle scars' as well. If someone really loves you,
scars should be the last thing to concern them. Wouldn't waste my time
with people like that.

i had major self image issues once i was well and brave enough to take a long look at what the surgeons had done to my body.

that was 20 years ago. some of the insecurity remains, but mostly i am ok with it now. one thing i have learned, is that it is more an issue with me, than it is for a partner. if someone loves you and wants you physically, then these things will not alter their feelings for you.

turn it around... if you really loved somebody, and they had to have surgery, would it put you off them?

The stoma worries me more than the scars. I mean, it has a mind of its own. Plus, does it get in the way?

hey there. i dont have an ostomy, but it is a possibility for me in the near future. anyways, in doing research and stuff online i came across many companies that sell covers and waistbands and stuff like that to hide and protect the stoma i guess. have you seen anything like this? i would just google "ostomy sex" lol and you would probably find some info.
and i definitly agree with everyone else, the people who matter are not going to care what your body looks like. personally-i have a scarred bum due to my crohns feel insecure about the idea of sex/intimacy, but no one who just meets me is going to know this. so how do you know that a woman you meet wont be accepting of your differences due to the fact that she has her own?
does that make sense? lol quite hard to explain, but i feel very strongly about it.
i hope that this helps. take care

I took your advice and googled "ostomy sex" lol and found this image. That, however, looks ridiculous! I'll think I'll just keep my shirt on.

Tell ya what, Andy. There's no point sugarcoating it. Yes, you've got a setback on your hands (or torso, to be specific). So you can scratch "swimsuit model" off your list of occupational opportunities.

I'm going to guess you'll begrudgingly come to terms with it. Rely on your charm and devillish good looks instead.

Casanova wasn't much of a looker, and he's legendary!

Yeah, sort of. Have scars all over my body from my bad ass youth, but those don't make me self conscious.. take some sort of perverse male pride in them. But all of my surgical scars... WOW!. Those I continue to see as a sign of weakness, of my battle with this disease, and so far the toll is weighing in favour of the disease, you know? I know its all in my head, but.. well, no matter how I try to rationalize it... what one thinks vs what one 'feels', its those feelings that seem to triumph.. I don't know if its the same, similar, or worse for women. would think that the media pressure on women would make it worse. but maybe the.. male expectations.. on ourselves .. makes it worse.

I grew up to, and ever so slightly still do, find that the power of attraction is very much, initially, weighted towards appearances. It was a brutal world for a chubby nerd, and it sucked, watching looks conquer all. The girls would flock to the suave guy on the sports team, and didn't care how fast I could plow through a Euclidean theorem. I felt useless, and got an engrained sense that you have to have bait before the catch will even consider you. That fades some (I say some) as people matured and realized substance was the long-haul, and that honor and character were paramount. You may see a shiny new product in the store, and the look lured you in, it's the contents that will make or break the commitment, though, and have you putting it back on the shelf for something more compatible. (Too much fiber for IBD, put it back )

You sound like you're speaking as a possible future me, sort of. I have a (possibly sinful) coveted look I've always been working towards since 2003 when I first lost a bunch of fat as a nerd, and wanted to start fresh as a fitness/bodybuilder type, and even become possibly a model or the likes (a female friend said male "dancer", but I'm not that type)....so the focus on looks mixed with the threat of a colostomy bag initially makes me more upset than anything except losing my girlfriend or dying, from this disease. I put such an emphasis on my looks (and health), but it's not in a conceited way (I focus more on what I lack than what I have), because I value my mind more-so, so if I think about it, I then recall that my mind can get me further than my body. My mind has to get me my physique through dedication and training, so ultimately, the mind rules all, right? I see everything going back to it, the driving force. I would hope that if I get a colostomy bag, the world can see my mind the same at least, so I feel for you very much, to be enduring what something of that magnitude can do in my own future. You need to focus on those in this world who can look beyond that scarring and alteration, because through adaptation, you must as well now.

BWS1982 said:

the power of attraction is very much, initially, weighted towards appearances. It was a brutal world for a chubby nerd, and it sucked, watching looks conquer all.

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i agree, but the key word there is "initially".

i have, between the years of puberty and now, been chubby, anorexic, spotty, pretty, pale, healthy.... i think visually i've been everything - except bald lol.

and to be honest, the important people in my life have never wavered from their love and support, no matter what i looked like.

however, meeting new people is another matter - we want to look our best, and if know we don't then that affects how confident we feel... and that, i think, is the issue.

Yes, it is the meeting new people part that is the main issue. Having been out of hospital a couple of week, I still try and act like "me" and I still feel like me; i.e. I still have a certain confidence around my friends and the people I love. But when it comes to meeting new people, like you say we all want to look our best, and not having the confidence in those situations is what really worries me.

For me its not scars that are an issue but my overall body weight... or should I say lack of it. I'm 6ft tall but only weigh in at 8 stone / 112 pounds / 50.8 Kilos. I'm basically bone shrink wrapped in skin. My wrists are tiny, my hips, ribs and spine are all clearly defined. I feel like a walking skeleton. I can't sit on hard surfaces because it hurts my bum lol there is nothing to it. I've tried so many things to put on weight and nothing works.

Ataraxia said:

But when it comes to meeting new people, like you say we all want to look our best, and not having the confidence in those situations is what really worries me.

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i would like to think that the confidence will come with time, as you yourself get used to your change. but never having been through the ostomy, i dont really know what im talking about.
your reminding me of how it feels to be on prednisone though. i DREADED going new place and meeting new people with my huge moon face. it feels like your an alien, and its so hard to act like yourself when you dont feel like yourself at all!
i tried to always remind myself to just act like nothing is wrong, and then people wont feel like anything is wrong
becasue there isnt anything wrong! you have nothing to be ashamed about, and when you act that way, then the people you come into contact with will act the same way. or so id like to think
a surgeon whom i consulted with told me "No one is going to think any less of you because you have a bag. And if they do, to hell with them anyways". it helped me to see things a little differently, i hope it helps you too.

Yes, Ding, for most people, it is initially, and I wish it was everyone (for example, when my girlfriend first saw my pic online on the personals site, she saw I "bodybuild" and thought I'd be so full of myself I'd never give her a chance, here we are together 4 years later looking at a lifetime).

Unfortunately, many teens at that age are all about the studs (well, I remember Kiera Knightly saying how much of a focus Americans put on looks, and that where she comes from it's not nearly the same, but I don't know)....America is overly focused on appearances (bodybuilding for me at least, is more about health though)...it fades greatly as women age at least, around me, but it's still there often.

One problem I had was distinguishing lust for commitment, meaning, I can tell when even middle aged women are gabbing too each other about the UPS delivery guy and his butt as he bends and picks up the boxes, but that's mostly all it is, lust won't last, a one night stand, a few weeks for booty calls, but a sane woman will never marry a guy for just his looks if he can't balance a check book or remember an anniversary.

There has to be substance, and confidence can be an issue, but when I was younger, I was brave enough to ask out many girls, gave them roses, poems, etc...I still think it came down to the way I looked (if I showed you pics, "holy sh*t" would come out your mouth), and I hate to admit this, but initially I lost weight and got into fitness for a girl, because my heart was crushed for the last time, I wanted to be on the other side of the fence, to have the whole package, I thought what good was it if I have a mind and soul if the shell was cracked.

If I get a bag, I will have to try as hard as hell to feel the same about myself, I will have to do the same "to hell with them" if they treat me differently. It will reveal a great deal of transparency in people I know, but to tell you the truth, from what I've seen, Crohns has done a touch of that already.

totally hear what you're all saying.

i think life experiences continually try to knock and rebuild our confidence in ourselves.. and sometimes we need to decide that its within our own control as to whether we pick ourselves back up, or carry the bruises..

having Crohns thrust at us, and/or surgery, is a massive dent in our confidence.. not only do we have to think "toilet" all the time, whereas our friends have the luxury of not having to, some of us have to look in the mirror at our changed bodies.. makes you wonder if you're still attractive to anyone, nevermind yourself!

but we are. still attractive. still us. and that's what we have to keep in mind. every single one of us is as lovable as before, and if people don't understand the changes in our body and accept them as part of us, then they're not worth trying to impress. i am just me, nowadays. i have the "sod 'em" attitude too - it helps lol

I understand. I am married and am having huge intimacy issues stemming from my appearance. For me its being underweight. Losing weight has made my body bony and my breasts saggy. I just don't feel like me. If I feel this way with my husband I can't imagine being single. I guess 'hook ups' would probably be off the table for me. I can tell you with 100% confidence that when you love someone you don't see their flaws when you are making love. So I think the main thing is how you feel about yourself.

I wish I had some advice, but I think like everything time will help us come to terms with this part of the illness.

Rather than worrying about the physical effects that this has had on you, spend time with her and discuss it with her and learn both of you to be comfortable rather than jumping straight into anything.

Because when you do find the right lady/gentleman then they will want you for you and won't care about the physical aspect.

I hope you all don't mind my chiming in here. I actually came to this site because I have a huge crush on a man with Crohn's (not a member here, as far as I know). He's in the middle of a flare-up right now, and I wanted to learn more about it in order to better understand him. I meant to just check things out and lurk a little, but thought you might want to hear what I have to say.

This man and I are friends as things stand, although I have some reason to believe that the attraction is mutual. I've seen his scars (and I don't even remember what they look like...just goes to show that they truly aren't nearly as important to those around you as they are to you), I know a few of the gory details of his symptoms, I've heard about his surgery and know how much intestine he's had removed. I've cheered him on, I've commiserated with him, I've wished him luck on procedures that I knew he was about to undergo. I've seen him paper-pale, paper-thin (for him) and looking like he was about to keel over. It's not like the fact that he has Crohn's has been swept under the rug. He talks about it confidently and matter-of-factly.

And you know what? This man makes me weak in the knees. I can barely breathe when he walks into the room. I think he's just about the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life, and when I'm around him I spend inordinate amounts of time trying to restrain myself from dragging him off somewhere and having my way with him. Sorry if that's a little bit over the top, but I really wanted to make sure that you all get the point here...Crohn's does not make a person unattractive, by any means! You ARE deserving of relationships, and love, and maybe even some good old-fashioned lust. Lord knows I've got it bad, and I can't be the only one out there who's interested in somebody who happens to have Crohn's.

The right person won't overlook what you consider to be your flaws or weaknesses. The right person will see them, acknowledge them and still think you're the hottest thing on two legs.

Hope my perspective helps a little bit.

HEY! Are you talking about Drew??!??
Just kidding...
(But he makes me weak in the typing fingers. I can barely breathe when he pops into a chat room, haha)
I think that is fabulous, and I think that everyone just needs to find the right person for them.
That is a really sweet story, and I wish you good luck! I hope the feeling IS mutual - he sounds like he would be so lucky to have you!!
Thanks for chiming in!

Ladybrowneyes,

Thanks for posting and feel free to do so again!

I have to agree with you. I got engaged the last day of August. I will be 40yrs old in March and I never ever thought it would happen to me. I am the kind of person that just gets on with life and yes I had my moments of lonliness and wishing there was someone for me but it wasnt something I dwelt on because I needed to keep a roof over my head, have genuine friends that stick by me no matter what (including leaving their mobile phones on overnight in case I needed to go to hospital time and again!), love my career and never have been one that HAS to get married...

Duncan however has given me a new perspective in my life. His grandfather was half Egyptian so he has amazing looks, is very caring and constantly thinks about others to the extent he doesnt know what its like to receive and have someone care for HIM! Yes he is overweight, has had 2 heart ops (with the second not knowing if he would survive), and is non insulin diabetic but does that hold me back? Not one bit! His health issues are acknowledged just as mine are when there is a need to rest etc BUT that is not the whole person of him it is only part! I love him as a whole and that is what helps me cope when my confidence takes a massive crash - I know he has the same view of me...

I am very overweight at the minute due to steroids since August this year and just feel like the Michelin man. Yet because I know he loves me and accepts me as I am I had the confidence to go on a wedding dress hunt this week and found something I love! I know in the coming year if I can stay off the steroids I will lose the weight and I know he will love me no matter what size I am but I also know what I am capable of and my potential and I want him to be stunned on the day!

I guess overall the biggest thing in a relationship is to be open and honest about your feelings. If you feel low because your confidence has taken a hit then say so. I have always said not one of us has a glass head so our loved ones cannot tell what we are truly thinking unless we voice it!

I really do hope things come to fruitition in time with you both. Sounds like you would make an ideal couple but only you both can decide that! It may be he isnt ready for a relationship at the minute, it may be he is holding back for some of the above reasons and perhaps doesnt want to "burden" you further because this can be such a devasting disease and its lifelong waxing and waning.

The other aspect is for a long time I felt so drained that I couldnt cope with the extra energy needed just to spend time with someone else as part of a relationship never mind anything physical. So keep it in mind if you do decide to ask him at some point that you might get a "no" but it might also be provisional as in he is interested but feels it would be unfair at the minute for the above reason, so you need to think about the possibilities of leaving the door open for him later too if that is worth looking at. Having a long term chronic health problem puts immense strain on any relationship at times and many of us try hard to protect those we love too...

Love can be a minefield (lord I didnt expect to type so much!) but it can also bring depth of joy, contentment and happiness that nothing else can. It can help you cope with extreme adversity and tolerate many things in life.

Thanks for not holding back and finding the courage to post. Hope things work out in the end. ((hugs))

The stoma nurse asked me, while I was in hospital recently, how my wife will react when she see's my ostomy bag and how will she cope with this.

I sat my wife down later that day and told her what the nurse had said....
After 2 or maybe 3 minutes of tears... caused by laughter, she wiped her eyes dry and replied "Jaysus Danny, It wasn't for your good looks that I married you.... it was what is between your ears...!!!!"

Maybe I'm just lucky in that I met the right person, but I don't think so. Over the past 20 years, I've aways been upfront about having Crohns. I've never shied away from discussing it. You had your bowel amputated, if it was your leg, would you be embarrassed? No. So why should you feel embarrassed about having your bowel amputated.

I have my stoma now for only 3 weeks, but if anyone has a problem with it, they can leave my company. If any one made any comment on a person with an amputated leg, they would be accused of being against people with disability. Why are we any different?

Just be yourself. Real friends stay with you. New friends will be made. If people have a problem with your Crohns or stoma, they're not worth keeping.
Most of my closest friends were made after I was diagnosed.

ladybrowneyes thank you so much for throwing your perspective in here

your post really made me smile and i truly hope that something happens with your crush. if it does, i think itd be great if you showed what you wrote here to him some day. if i found out that my bf had written something about me such as this prior to our relationship, i would be truly touched to read it

good luck with your sexy man!

danman said:

It wasn't for your good looks that I married you.... it was what is between your ears...!!!!"

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My husband's ears must be on his trousers.
That's why I married him.
(OMG - I am gonna get kicked off for that one!!
I think I will delete it shortly...
I just couldn't HELP myself! sorry!)

My Butt Hurts said:

My husband's ears must be on his trousers.
That's why I married him.
(OMG - I am gonna get kicked off for that one!!
I think I will delete it shortly...
I just couldn't HELP myself! sorry!)

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Sssshhhhhh..... Don't tell Drew that!!!!


Now you can't delete it... it will stay in my post forever....!!!!!!

CRAP! DANMAN!!!
(I think Drew's "ears" are bigger than my husband's. :ylol2: )

Just pray to the Lord above that you husband doesn't read this then.:ylol2: :ylol2:

In reading all of these posts it is obvious we all have a lot in common and not just the fact we have this disease. Many of us have horrible looking scars. It has taken me over a year to be able to even look at my stomcah and see what the doctors have left me. The one thing that helps keep me focused is reminding myself that without the scars I would not be alive right now. Maybe if you thought about that and expressed that to those you want to get intomate with they would see you in a stronger light. I know that has helped me.

Thank you for starting this post A. It was just what I was looking for and needing to answer my body image concerns. I have abcess/scar issues in my groin and a skin tag...so freakin sexy I dont' know what to do about it.

It's hard because I don't know when I should let loose or hold back. I just ended a long term, verbally abusive relationship and am back at the dating thing. So I didn't really have to address the physical issues until now.

I went on a date w/ this guy that I had gone to highschool with, hadn't seen him in 10yrs. We went on a few dates before having some play time and he was concerned about his razor burn!! I found it kind of funny and said that really he had nothing to worry about! and the confessions went on. anyways...that was a big mistake...

so this thread is great! i guess i just got to hang in there, stay positive and someone just right will come along

Thanks guys!! You're the best and hope everyone is well!

Stephanie

hi Steph. firstly, well done you for getting out of that abusive relationship! that is probably one of the best things in life you will ever have done for yourself, believe me!

i know this sounds like an easy comment to make, but i mean it - please don't worry about the scar and skin tag you have. that is one tiny bit of you - there is so much more to a person than physical/medical changes, and as has been stressed before, if you're with someone who really cares for you, those physical differences really won't matter.

i'm in the most amazing relationship now, after a couple of horrid ones.. my guy knew about my surgery, scars, Crohn's etc, before we got intimate. his reaction was worry & sadness for me, nothing more. and it's taken me a long time to accept that - i felt i should be over-thankful for someone loving me because i have these scars and problems, but i know that's wrong. i deserved to be loved for me, just like you and everyone else here does.

Good luck, Steph
Whichever way you look at it... you're way way better OUT of the abusive relationship. you can only go up from there!

Just to add my twopenneth... My hubby has two massive scars across his tummy and stomach from a gallbladder op they had go in 3 times due to infections. He used to go swimming quite a lot and he can't hide the scars under a pair of trunks. It's never bothered him, the looks from young children/etc. And it's never bothered me. The first time I saw them I think my reaction was "f****** h***!!!". He also had a seizure before I met him, and he's had a stroke since which triggered some more. We've been together 13 years now, and married for nearly 4. Best thing I ever did.

Diseases and injures dont define someone, they're just there. That's all. We all bring scars be they physical or mental, or both in my case! to a relationship. If someone can't handle a few scars or icky things, do you really want them as a Life partner?

Beth, I have an ostomy bag. I wrap a skin coloured elasticated bandage around my waist, when I'm in the pool, to hide the bag. It's not that I'm ashamed, simply, it stops people staring.

danman: cool. I think my hubby just has an excess of self-confidence that people looking doesn't bother him! Good that you found a way to stop people staring and still go swimming.
Not sure I'd be able to if I'm ever in that situation. My mother has a bag, haven't seen her for years, but there's that nagging feeling my Crohns might go the way of whatever she had.

My advice, is do like i did and make up funny stories to go with it. Something like you were camping in the woods when a yeti came along and he tried to steal your captain crunch so you had to fight him off with a wiffle bat. He got your cereal and left you that scar but you got his ear, and show them one of those pig ear dog treats. always gets people thinking and laughing.

I like your style Mark... humour is always best.
People are always unsure how to react... Do I say nothing, make a joke?

If you show humour, it relaxes people.

I always say "the doctor ripped me a new arsehole... but you should see him..!!!!"

I'll be a bit of a dirty old man here... maybe you should talk with one of the young ladies here who also has issues with scars and try to get used to them together... intimacy is up to you.

BTW... my wife has scars from having her spleen out, resetting a broken wrist, and removing a mass from her neck. It does not bother me a bit.

Dan