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08-06-2013, 05:34 AM   #601
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Tsk,tsk Cat! If you're gonna take a chance on pizza, at least get a good one!!
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08-06-2013, 03:15 PM   #602
Cat-a-Tonic
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Yeah Mark, I know, if I'm going to torture myself, I should at least make it worthwhile and eat something really decadent. But the upside of crappy frozen pizza is, they don't put a whole lot of cheese on it, so less icky feeling for me than if I ate a good pizza.

Update 8/6/13: I'm having a surprisingly good day! Yesterday I was exhausted and felt crappy, I was really gassy and had bad heartburn for some reason (probably the after-effects of the pizza), and I just didn't feel well generally speaking. I struggled through yoga last night and then zonked out and slept like a rock, nearly slept through my alarm! I never, never do that - my usual way of waking up is to crack my eyes open anywhere between 3 and 5 AM, look at my alarm clock, work out the math in my head as to how long I still have to sleep (I get up at 6), and then drift back off into a light, uneasy sleep, waking up every 15-30 mins to check what time it is now. But last night, I didn't wake up even once, and I only finally woke up at 6:10! I feel very rested, completely the opposite from what I felt like yesterday. I wish I could sleep like that every night!

So I went to the gym today and that went great too. My shoulder hasn't given me any pain today, it feels like it's finally fully healed. I was able to do all the machines I wanted (except the abdominals, I'm still avoiding working the abs until we get this bleeding thing figured out) and I did all the reps I aimed for and barely even felt tired - didn't even break a sweat! My arthritis is even quiet today, not even a twinge of pain from hips nor knees, which is pretty much unheard of lately. So I'm having a very good day - I don't know how I lucked into this, maybe I'll eat pizza more often! Ha ha.

(Oh, and Mark, I had a DVD on in the gym while I was working out, of course it was K-pop music videos. My co-worker was in the gym for a bit and she complimented the music, she said she really liked it - hah! Okay granted, the music was Lee Hi - that's the female singer I posted a video of awhile back, the one that you said actually didn't make you want to puke. But still, I got complimented on my awesome taste in K-pop - yeah!)

So yeah, it's oddly a really good day. I don't trust it and I certainly don't expect to have a day like this again soon, but I'm also trying to enjoy it and make the most of it. I'm trying to eat healthier, too. For breakfast I had a homemade smoothie (almond milk, ice, soy-based protein/vitamin powder, honey and almond butter) and, okay, a donut. That was my one unhealthy food today - I am sometimes nauseous or just have no appetite in the mornings, so if I do have an appetite, I like to give myself a little treat. Snack was a can of sardines (healthy omega-3s) and a cup of miso soup (it's cold in my office, needed soup to warm up!). I also had 2 mugs of tea during the course of the morning. Lunch was a pasta salad (pasta, peeled cucumbers, hardboiled eggs, light viniagrette dressing - I didn't have anything else in the house that I could quickly throw in a pasta salad, but normally I'd add stuff like tofu and tomatoes and green peppers too - I can eat that stuff as long as the skin is removed). Dinner is cornish hens, which are currently cooking in the crock pot. I adore poultry in the crock pot, it's so easy and it comes out so nice and moist and juicy! And we always use the leftover juices to mix in with some instant mashed potatoes, yum yum. I know instant mash isn't the healthiest thing, but I wouldn't qualify it as junk food either. So yeah, the only really bad thing I've had today was the donut. I consider that a pretty successful day diet-wise.
08-06-2013, 03:54 PM   #603
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[Lunch was a pasta salad (pasta, peeled cucumbers, hardboiled eggs, light viniagrette dressing - I didn't have anything else in the house that I could quickly throw in a pasta salad, but normally I'd add stuff like tofu and tomatoes and green peppers too - I can eat that stuff as long as the skin is removed). Dinner is cornish hens, which are currently cooking in the crock pot. I adore poultry in the crock pot, it's so easy and it comes out so nice and moist and juicy! And we always use the leftover juices to mix in with some instant mashed potatoes, yum yum. I know instant mash isn't the healthiest thing, but I wouldn't qualify it as junk food either. So yeah, the only really bad thing I've had today was the donut. I consider that a pretty successful day diet-wise.[/QUOTE]
Cat, you are making me SO hungry! lol on prep day no less. I have been craving doughnuts lately which is odd because I nornally don't eat them. If I get this gut thing figured out and get back to eating normal food I'm totally going to gain weight because I will eat doughnuts and bread and steak, and dessert!
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08-06-2013, 07:52 PM   #604
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Sorry Cindy! For a minute I forgot how torturous it is hearing about/seeing/smelling food when you're prepping! I swear, the last time I did prep, the few times I ventured to the couch in between potty breaks, there were pretty much only food commercials on TV. It all looked amazing, it was like a special kind of torture! I remember thinking, even tortured prisoners get bread and water, and don't have to watch these commercials! I hope you can eat something really delicious when your scope is over.
08-07-2013, 04:57 AM   #605
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Sardines!!! Did you throw that in there just to see if we were really reading your posts? My dad loves those slimy little bastards! I could never look at them and think anything but bait!!
08-07-2013, 08:43 AM   #606
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Mark, there was a thread quite awhile ago that David had started, about how sardines are really healthy & beneficial. The thread is here:
http://www.crohnsforum.com/showthrea...light=sardines
Ever since having read that thread, I've been trying to eat more sardines. I like them (they're too fishy for me to handle when I'm nauseous, but as long as I'm not nauseous I do fine with them). I have a hard time with a lot of healthy foods, so I take what I can get. I usually eat sardines once or twice per week.

Back to the subject of my diet & the heartburn I was experiencing - it was weird because I very rarely get heartburn. I assumed it was from the pizza. But then I realized, it was the cucumbers in my pasta salad! I thought back to the last time I ate cucumbers, which was awhile ago, and I had heartburn then too. How odd, because cucumbers seem cool and refreshing, not at all like something that would cause heartburn! So I'm moving cucumbers to the no-no list. Sigh, yet another veggie I can't tolerate. That's just great.

I'm thinking today is a rest day but I guess it'll depend on how my GI appt goes - if it's not great, then I may need to work off some frustration in the gym. So we'll see! If it's a good GI appt, then I'll be content to have a rest day.
08-07-2013, 10:09 AM   #607
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Cat, do the sardines give you heartburn? I thought that was a bit of a common side effect.

Apparently they are a very healthy food, these guys are in my part of the world
http://www.cloverleaf.ca/en/company/...ick-story.html
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08-07-2013, 10:55 AM   #608
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Hawkeye, sardines do not give me heartburn. Most foods do not give me heartburn - my GERD is odd in that it is severe and I reflux the majority of the time, but I typically do not have heartburn. I do get fishy burps/vurps from sardines if I eat them before a workout (I had them as a snack at 11 AM yesterday, hit the gym around 1:30, and had a few fishy burps halfway through my workout). But other than fish burps, I don't get any bad effects from sardines. Fish burps are a little gross but certainly tolerable, so I'm happy to continue eating sardines.
08-07-2013, 05:09 PM   #609
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I loved sardine when i was a child. I liked to eat them on crackers. Once I'm able to tolerate gluten again I'll to try them once more.
08-08-2013, 05:17 AM   #610
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I don't really get heartburn but I don't eat raw cucumber because I can taste them for days afterwards through burps! I'm not eatin' sardines either...I don't care how good for me they are
08-08-2013, 09:26 AM   #611
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Cindy, you don't need to put them on crackers - I usually don't, I just eat the sardines right out of the tin. Yum yum!

Mark, that's fine, more sardines for me!

Update 8/8/13: Yesterday was a rest day. I had a really good GI appointment so I didn't feel the need to work off any stress, ha ha. My GI agreed with me that I need another colonoscopy soon, so he put in an order for one, and he also was on board with switching up my meds after the scope. Even if the scope shows nothing, he's okay with me trying either Apriso or Pentasa. I'm hoping the scope shows *something* - I am going to do a crazy ton of abdominal exercises before the prep, to get the bleeding going. If my GI can at least figure out the source of the bleeding, then I'll be happy. He seemed to feel some inflammation in the LRQ when he palpated my abdomen, and he said it's likely that I'm in a mild flare. So, colonoscopy soon (not sure when, the scheduling dept hasn't called me back yet). I'm almost looking forward to it - my last colonoscopy 3.5 years ago was squeaky clean, no inflammation, everything looked totally normal, and the dozen or so biopsies all came back normal too. This time around is different with the bleeding though, and the flare symptoms are all different, so this scope could be a game-changer. Trying not to get my hopes up too much though because I know that usually just leads to massive disappointment.

So, yeah. That was a good, productive GI appointment and I'm quite happy with the plan. That takes a lot of worry off my mind - that even if I have a normal scope, I can still switch meds. And if the scope shows something, well that's even better! But having those worries taken off my shoulders made me rather complacent last night, so I sat on the couch and watched TV and didn't even think about exercising. A little stress/worry in my life is kind of a good thing, as it pushes me to get off my butt and work it out. Regardless, I'm going to the gym tonight - I'll have to find something else to be stressed about. Oh, I know - I have to go visit my family this weekend - yep, that'll do it! Anytime I have to see my parents and brother all at once, that is definitely stressful. Usually my brother shows up high, then as he's coming down he gets very annoyed and picks fights with people (usually with my mom), then she turns it around and tries to guilt trip both me and my brother, I shut down and retreat inside my own head because I'm just not having any of it, and we all leave angry - then later my mom will call me and make lame excuses for my brother's behavior but not actually apologize for anything. Oh yeah, the thought of that dynamic is going to make me hit the weights hard tonight!
08-08-2013, 05:14 PM   #612
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Good to hear you have such a supportive GI! Don't worry about having a rest day! You deserve it
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08-08-2013, 08:44 PM   #613
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Cat you look gorgeous! So proud of you, I know you've struggled so much and it is a wonderful thing you are doing for yourself

I am so inspired by you! My problem is I just don't know where to start. I used to be very fit and muscular and after 10 years on and off pred I don't even recognize my body anymore. I've gained 25 pounds which is a lot because I'm 5'3". I don't mean to jack your thread, I just wondered if you have any advice for me and others in my shoes.
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08-09-2013, 04:21 AM   #614
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What did you used to enjoy doing mountaingem? I would say start there but start slowly, listen to your body to see how much you can do and slowly build it up!

I only started exercising in January and I have build up my fitness a lot, I have been surprised at how quickly I have build up muscle and made visible changes in my body and strength.
08-09-2013, 08:58 AM   #615
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MountainGem, no worries about jacking the thread! What type of exercise did you like to do back when you were more fit? Being on pred for that amount of time has probably robbed you of some bone & muscle mass, so weight-bearing exercise will be great for building yourself back up again. Do you have arthritis or other issues besides the IBD? I have arthritis in both hips, and I find that both stretching and strengthening exercises are well-tolerated, but stuff like jogging & walking cause me pain. I can sometimes do lower-impact cardio like bike riding, elliptical, etc. My favorite things are weight lifting and yoga, so I mainly do a lot of those, and that's been really beneficial for me.

My advice for you starting out is, start slowly, and if something hurts then don't do it or work around it. Don't push yourself through pain, listen to your body, and ease into it. If your body says rest, listen to it (that's been the hardest thing for me to do in this flare!). When I started lifting weights, I started by lifting very light weights twice a week. That went okay so I gradually increased the amount of weight and the number of reps I was doing, and within a couple months I was up to 3x per week. I always give myself a day in between lifting weights so that my muscles can heal, and often on the non-weight days I'll do yoga or cardio. But it took myself awhile to get up to that point, and it helped that I was in remission during most of the time that I was exercising. But, I'm in a mild flare lately (started flaring in May I think) and I'm still able to work out about 4 days a week, so it is possible to get some good workouts in even in a flare.

Honestly, if you're looking to lose weight, it's more about diet than it is exercise. My weight has not shifted much at all since I've been working out, although I have converted a lot of flab into muscle. My healthy pre-IBD weight was 136. Then I got sick and gradually lost weight over the course of a year, and dropped down to 115 at my lowest. At that point, my GI put me on Entocort, and I went up to about 140 lbs, so I gained back just a little bit too much. I was struggling to lose a few of those lbs, and then I was put on steroid suppositories for hemorrhoids, and those steroids made me gain another 6 lbs so I was at 146, my heaviest weight ever. That 6 lbs came back off once I stopped the suppositories thankfully, and I'm now back at 136 lbs and maintaining that. I still have a bit of a flabby tummy from the Entocort (I have a hard time working on my abdominal muscles lately, anytime I try it seems to cause me to bleed!) but my arms & legs are coming along very nicely, my back looks toned, and my hubby tells me that my butt is looking smaller and more toned too. I honestly don't care how I look though, my fitness goals are all about feeling better inside, being healthier, being in a better position to fight my illnesses, halting the progression of my arthritis, etc. It's still kind of weird looking in the mirror and seeing muscles! Particularly in this flare, I feel like sick girl, but in the gym and in the mirror I'm healthy girl. It's weird.

Sorry, that was a long ramble. I hope that helped a bit. Keep me posted on how you're doing! I'm obviously very excited about fitness and I'm happy whenever I can inspire someone on the forum to hit the gym!
08-10-2013, 01:36 PM   #616
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Update 8/10/13: I had a rough day yesterday. I was planning on taking a rest day anyway, but then I found out an old co-worker had passed away. I knew he had cancer and wasn't doing well, but I hadn't heard any news from him in awhile, and I guess I just felt like no news is good news? I had actually been thinking about him on Thursday, I realized it had been awhile and I wanted to drop him a line. But on Friday, I found out he had died. That made me really sad, and when I get sad or depressed, I get super fatigued and can't do anything. I was barely functional and it wasn't good.

I'm feeling somewhat better today. We walked the dog first thing in the morning, then hit the gym around lunch time. At the gym, I warmed up on the Arc trainer. And I felt sluggish, like my legs just weren't going to move as fast as I wanted them to. Then, I did the assisted chin-up, and my arms felt strong, fresh, and just generally great. I figured out pretty quickly that I must have sapped my legs' strength by walking the dog - I'm not sure if it's a flare thing or what, since I'm sure I've walked the dog and hit the gym in the same day before.

When I go to the gym, I'm kind of like a little kid going to Disneyland for the first time. Like, a kid wants to go on ALL the rides. And I want to use ALL the weight machines. I know a lot of weight lifters will do a leg day and then an arm day, etc so that they can go to the gym every day. But I'm not like that, I like to do it all each time I'm there. I tend to alternate arms & legs, so I'll do an arm machine and then a leg machine and then an arm machine, etc. And I found that I felt great on all the arm machines, but tired & fatigued on the leg machines. It was a weird dynamic, going from struggling to feeling strong and back again.

I'm going to rest up the rest of the day. I feel wiped out!
08-10-2013, 08:38 PM   #617
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Cat, I'm glad to hear you are enjoying the gym. I can understand your fatigue because every time I do things I get extremely tired. We went to the Garlic Festival today and walked around (slowly) for about an hour and I have been so tired since then I can barely move ! Ireally need to get my "go" back.
I like reading about your time on the arc trainer. That was my favorite machine when I was still going to the gym regularly. I miss it!
08-12-2013, 10:02 AM   #618
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Cindy, I love the Arc trainer! It's pretty challenging and you definitely work up a sweat on that thing. I usually do it for about 10 minutes or so to warm up before lifting weights - I usually do the assisted chin-up machine first thing after my warm-up, and the Arc trainers are right near the chin-up machine at my gym, so I can keep an eye on it and see if it's available. I like hopping quickly from machine to machine without a lot of time in between, so I like to hop directly off the Arc trainer and go right to chin-ups. Oh, and I like that the Arc trainer doesn't seem to affect my arthritis negatively. Jogging, and to a lesser extent biking and walking do affect my arthritis, so cardio is not always my friend. But so far so good with the Arc trainer and the elliptical, they've never caused me pain.

I'm thinking ahead to 2 weeks from now - I have my colonoscopy on the 28th, so I'll be prepping on the 27th. I need to do some abdominal exercises to try to force myself to have another episode of bleeding. I'm thinking that on the 26th, I'll hit the gym at lunch and do the abdominals machine, plank position, sit ups, etc - whatever I can think of to work my abs hard. It won't be pleasant, but if I can cause the bleeding to happen then my GI should see where it's coming from when he scopes me. I'm also thinking, the evening of the 26th or the morning of the 27th, I'll go for a bike ride - that's often triggered my bleeding too (I need to keep my abs tight when riding, for balance & steering). So, that's the tentative plan. I usually don't exercise with this kind of thing in mind, to cause myself bleeding & probably pain (I usually get some pain, nausea, etc with the bleeding). But you gotta do what you gotta do to get diagnosed, right? It won't be pretty, but I feel it's necessary. I'm already getting nervous about it though. I think that causing myself trouble + doing prep is going to = a very bad time!
08-12-2013, 05:57 PM   #619
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oh goodness! That does sound like a brutal plan. I understand why you want to get the bleeding going but between that and prep, I hope that your days go okay and that you feel all right. I'll be thinking of you!

With my bad back, I went betwee nthe Arc Trainer adn the elliptical because both are no-impact and very joint and back friendly. I used to about 45 minutes on each. the Arc Trainer is a great cardio work out and good for leg toning.
08-13-2013, 08:49 AM   #620
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Update 8/13/13: Not a good update to report this time unfortunately. I had a really rough time in the gym yesterday! Usually, like 99% of the time, I feel great after a workout. Last night was the rare 1% where I felt worse afterwards. My GERD just went haywire. Usually I reflux anywhere from a little to a lot during a workout, and I'll belch and I'll feel water come up my throat, etc. But that's usually as bad as it gets. Yesterday, however, it was worse. I started vurping (vomity burps) and I felt actual chunks come up! I had spaghetti for lunch and when I vurped, it tasted like vomity spaghetti, it was so gross. When I vurp, I know it's a sign of worse things to come. Fortunately I had nearly finished my workout and was stretching when the vurps came on, so I was able to get to the locker room and take some Zantac and drink some water to try to calm things down. I went home and still didn't feel well at all, the nausea had kicked in and I knew that gastritis pain was going to follow if I didn't do something, so I took some Prilosec and a Zofran. That seemed to keep the symptoms somewhat at bay. I sat for the rest of the evening with my heating pad on my stomach, just trying to hold it together. It was pretty miserable and I'm still feeling rather nauseous and refluxy today. I tried eating a little something for breakfast and got really nauseous, blah.

I'm not sure why exactly my reflux decided to act up so badly yesterday evening. Okay, yes, I had spaghetti for lunch, and the tomato sauce is a known reflux trigger for me. But I've had spaghetti like a hundred times in the past without having an episode, and I ate it like 4 hours before I hit the gym, so I don't really get it. My reflux had been under pretty good control for quite awhile, I think it's been close to a year since I've had an episode this bad. I don't know if it's just a fluke then or if my hiatal hernia is getting worse or...??? No idea.

The scary part is, I really don't want this to happen when I'm doing prep. I know that abdominal exercises can exacerbate my GERD symptoms so I will be pretty much playing with fire by trying to make myself bleed for my scope. I don't know if I'll be functional if I feel like this AND have to prep. So I'm trying to formulate the best plan. I don't really reflux much if I ride my bike, but I do tend to bleed after a long (1 hour +) bike ride, so I think I'll do that but skip doing the abdominal exercises in the gym. Hopefully a bike ride is enough to do it - it's been a few months since I've ridden (I don't even know if I can do a full hour bike ride anymore as it's been awhile!). So now I'm thinking, if I'm relying solely on a bike ride to trigger the bleeding, I might take at least one "practice" ride beforehand to make sure it still causes bleeding. Maybe this weekend. I know, it's ridiculous that I'm doing this to myself on purpose, but I don't really know what else to do. I have to bleed during my scope so that my doctor can figure out why I'm bleeding, and I don't want to trigger more reflux/vurping. I gotta do what I gotta do!
08-13-2013, 09:51 AM   #621
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Cat, please be careful. I know you are playign with fire. I'd hate to see yo uhurt yourself tryig to ake yourself bleed for the scope. Hopefully becaues of the length of time you've been flaring, things will show up without you hurting yoruself!
08-14-2013, 12:22 PM   #622
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Update 8/14/13: I'm feeling somewhat better today. Going to hit the gym tonight - eating very safe today (no spaghetti!), low-res and no reflux trigger foods, so hopefully I won't have another reflux episode like the one I had the other day. Getting nervous for my colonoscopy! It's 2 weeks from today! Which means that in less than 2 weeks, I'll have to make myself bleed and do prep. Eek!
08-14-2013, 01:09 PM   #623
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I'm glad you're feeling better Cat. I get my results tomorrow. Hopefully good results! I hope that you have a couple of quiet weeks until it's time for your prep. Take it easy!

I tried the elliptical this morning for abotu 20 minutes. It didn't go too badly. I'm really tired but I'm hoping to be able to build up slowly.
08-14-2013, 01:28 PM   #624
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Yay Cindy, I'm glad you were able to get onto the elliptical, and I hope it just gets easier from here on out. Good luck with your results too - is it the biopsy results? That's pretty quick, it's only been like a week, right? I know I'm going to be nervous for my biopsy results after the scope too - my GI palpated my abdomen at my appointment, and he seemed to feel inflammation? Or something abnormal in the LRQ area. He already told me he's going to take biopsies from the terminal ileum (which was my main "pain spot" for all of my previous flares, and where I suspect my illness is hiding out), so I know I'll be nervous for that too. Anyway, good luck and keep me posted!

I wish I could take it easy, but I'm naturally a worrier and a planner. I worry about things, so I try to plan for everything. I have made myself a long to-do list before my prep & scope. It's becoming a long list, because I'm putting so much on there that isn't really necessary but will help me feel better for the big day. So stuff like, "repair bunny slippers" (because I can't wear any of my other 20 pairs of slippers, I have to wear my bunny slippers!), and "refill Zofran prescription" (even though I have at least 20 Zofran tablets at home and won't need more than a few during prep). I start to freak out if I think I won't be able to wear my bunny slippers or hoard my Zofran, and I imagine myself barefoot and vomiting, so to quell my fears I'm busy doing all that random type of stuff. I'm a bit OCD for sure, but that's the only way I can feel prepared is to do everything I can think of to be ready for prep day and scope day!
08-14-2013, 02:03 PM   #625
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Cat, if you want to prove you are bleeding would a stool sample help? I know they would have to request one from you so you would have to ask them to ask you...

But stool samples can defo pick up blood and even when its not visible I think.
08-14-2013, 02:44 PM   #626
Cat-a-Tonic
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LMV, it's not so much a matter of if I'm bleeding, it's already in my medical record that I've had some bleeding. It's more that I want to be actively bleeding when I have the colonoscopy so that they can find the source/cause of the bleeding. The primary care doc I saw already has ruled out fissure, hemorrhoids (both internal & external were ruled out), and she did stool samples which ruled out bacterial infections like salmonella, campylobacter, etc.

So yeah, they know that I'm bleeding, but I want to know why since there is no obvious cause, and it's bright red blood so the source should be seen on scope IF it's active at the time of the scope. I'm only bleeding every few weeks or so, usually after exerting my abdominal muscles too much, so I kind of have to make myself bleed just before the scope - otherwise, I'm afraid the source of the bleed will have healed too much to be detected. Sooo, long story short, I have to work my abs hard to force an episode of bleeding so that my doctor can figure out why it's happening (as obviously, working my abdominal muscles shouldn't cause me to pass blood!). I was never a bleeder until a few months ago so something new has to be causing this and I want to know what and why.
08-14-2013, 04:13 PM   #627
mccindy
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Cat - yep, I will be getting the results of the biopsies and also of the polyp they removed.
08-15-2013, 10:05 AM   #628
Cat-a-Tonic
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Update 8/15/13: We went to the gym last night, and fortunately it went great. No major reflux issues like last time. I always reflux to some extent when I work out, and this was pretty standard for me - feeling water reflux up my throat and having to swallow it back, and belching a lot. No major nausea though, no vurps (and no chunks!), nothing I couldn't deal with and nothing I don't deal with on a daily basis anyway. At the end of my workout, I felt great - like my body was saying, "Ahh, thank you, that was just what I needed." I really can't ask for more than that from a workout! And I was so glad to have a good workout, after having such a bad time with reflux on Monday. It's like the old saying about getting right back on the horse again - sure, I had a miserable time on Monday, but that didn't stop me or hinder me at all from doing my workout yesterday. When you have a bad day, you can't let it stop you or discourage you - just keep moving forward!

My tentative plan for the rest of the week is, rest day today (I want to clean my house tonight and do some other chores, so I will still be active and it won't be particularly restful), tomorrow probably the little gym on my lunch hour as we have a friend coming over in the evening, then Saturday I'll take a practice ride on my bike to make sure I can force myself to bleed. Sunday I'll rest/recover from the aftermath of the bike ride.
08-15-2013, 07:18 PM   #629
mccindy
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Hi cat. sounds like you've been working hard! Iam tired today after just a short walk and a little shopping. Tomorrow is kitchen/bathroom cleaning day. This tiredness is killing me!
08-16-2013, 09:00 AM   #630
Cat-a-Tonic
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Update 8/16/13: I'm not doing well at all - my guts feel okay and everything, but I'm grieving another friend who just passed away. I wrote a longer post about this in members only, but basically an old friend apparently committed some crimes (nobody was hurt) and then he decided to commit suicide rather than go to prison. I'm in shock, so angry at him, sad for such a senseless loss, confused as to how he could do this (this is very out of character for my friend), and just emotions all over the map right now. I've known this guy since like middle school, so 20+ years, and I just can't believe it. I used to hang out with this guy all the time, he was a friend - and now this. I'm just a mess today.

So I'm going to the gym. I need to push my muscles to the breaking point, if for nothing else, to match my body with my mind. Or to distract myself from feeling so sad/mad for a little while. All I really know is, I desperately need to have a very intense workout, so that's what I'm going to do. Going to ride my bike tomorrow too - if I push it hard enough then maybe I can focus on the physical pain and get a break from the emotional. I know this doesn't sound particularly healthy but this is how I need to cope right now, because sitting around with my thoughts is really hard and I need a break from that.

For those keeping tally, that's 2 of my friends in as many weeks that have passed away. If all of the people in my life can just stay alive and not do anything stupid next week, that'd be super. I'd like to stop crying for a bit.
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