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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Mental Health Support » I'm just a burden on my family


03-31-2013, 08:34 PM   #1
Jaano711
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I'm just a burden on my family

This is really hard to write because I have always thought of myself as a fighter and a survivor. I'm just so depressed. I used to have a wonderful family, a great husband and three beautiful kids, but I am just driving them away. I can't stand myself and don't think I should be dragging everyone else down.

I have been fighting crohns for the last 20 years, it's just getting harder, not easier. Last year in August I had to have a panproctocolectomy and have ended up with a permanent Stoma. I hate it, I hate myself and I hate this disease. Every time I have another op I think this is the last one, well, I don't think there will ever be a last one. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm not suicidal, just completely beaten and just want to run away. It's probably a good thing I don't have the energy or a plan.

My husband doesn't seem to love me anymore, I think he just stays out of duty and for the kids. I don't blame him, I wouldn't stay for me. I'm just not coping and I give up.

I love them all dearly and am just a burden on them all. Their lives would be much better without me.
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03-31-2013, 08:48 PM   #2
Clash
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Janette, I'm so sorry for all you are going through and have gone through. I just wanted to send hugs and let you know someone was listening.

Do you have an outlet or someone you can talk to about everything you are experiencing. Of course, we are always here for you!
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Last edited by Clash; 03-31-2013 at 09:21 PM.
03-31-2013, 08:50 PM   #3
rollinstone
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You're not a burden, your kids need their mother, and I'm sure your husband loves you also, you're just going through a bad season but itl pass, all things do, you'll get your life back soon, there are some exciting new treatments in the works, new hope is always just around the corner
03-31-2013, 09:07 PM   #4
nogutsnoglory
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Your family loves you and needs you. Even during the darkest time and hardship the light can truly be around the corner. You got to keep fighting because you have so much more life ahead of you. With the right treatment you will be ok.
03-31-2013, 09:16 PM   #5
Mary:)
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Janette...You could never be a burden to your children. They love you unconditionally. My mom had several strokes and is unable to walk in a depend and I do not consider her a burden at all. I recently read about the word love..love isn't a feeling its actions. If your husband is helping with the kids and the household and supporting you then he loves you . Xo
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03-31-2013, 09:19 PM   #6
DustyKat
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I am so very sorry to hear of all you are going Jaano.

I can't speak to your specific situation as I don't fully know what is happening within your family or how they are feeling, and I don't want to profess to know how you feel.

I don't have Crohn's but both of my children do and my partner has faced serious health issues also, so I will speak as one who is a carer and a partner.

I have been at the receiving end of anger, frustration, hatred (of a disease), hatred of oneself, depression and the attempts to push me away. As a result of these things I too have felt frustration, I have felt overwhelming despair and helplessness, I have felt anger and have directed anger toward my family. Over time I have realised and accepted that it is okay to feel these things just as it is for those that I love to feel them. Hell they have been dealt a crap hand so why shouldn't they their bad days or periods, even without me personally having the issues they do I have crap days.

Being pushed away can be very frustrating and yes, it can drag you down BUT it doesn't make you love that person any less. It can make you sad, it can make you feel helpless and as I said it can make you feel frustrated but those feelings are borne out of love. Just as you hate yourself we hate seeing it.

You have recognised that you are struggling and as Clash has said, is there someone you can turn to for help? A friend, your doctor?

I know you have the black dog on your shoulder right now but don't underestimate the love your family has for you. I know that it is cliche to say that Crohn's doesn't define you but it is true, your family love you because of who you are and therefore they don't resent you because of your disease.

Jaano!

Dusty.
03-31-2013, 09:31 PM   #7
Jim (POPS)
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Janette,
There is no way you are a burden to you husband and kids. I also feel like you do sometimes but thats just because I get tired of being sick sometimes also. Please don't think that way. Keep coming here and get our support and maybe you should see a Dr. about it. I get really depressed sometimes and that isn't a sigh of weakness. Crohns can and will do that to us. But there is HOPE. I know you feel like you are at the end of your rope but things can and wil get better. My wife has had UC for over 35 years and I just found out I have crohns about 1 1/2 years ago. I NEVER felt that my wife was a burden, there were times that I wish she wasn't sick but it never ever got to the point that she was a burden, you can feel safe that your husband feels the same way. One thing I can tell you, your husband and kids do not want you to give up, not ever. Crohns is not fair and they know that also. they want you to hold your head up and be there for them, even when you don't feel good, you are there for them.
I will pray for you that your health will return and things get better. Please keep coming around.. I wil support you and alot of other people here will.
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03-31-2013, 10:10 PM   #8
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Just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling that way. I have fought with Crohn's for 16 years and feel that I have given my husband the short end of the stick. But I know that sometimes he is just as frustrated with my disease as I am - and it's with the disease, not me. It does become hard for us to separate the disease from ourselves, though, doesn't it. And depression is part of the whole package. I appreciate that Jim mentioned it is not a sign of weakness. I personally think it's just a sign that you've been fighting too long.

Please hang in there, keep seeking things that can help you - and most of all, see yourself as a survivor, for that is what you are!
04-01-2013, 07:03 AM   #9
Jaano711
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I took a big long walk this afternoon with the doge and have to say it made me feel better and alive. I struggle with everything that I have to do and find it very hard to get outside for me. I am going to try and make a habit of walking the dogs. I walked to the beach and watched the dolphins following in the fishing boats. It really was amazing to watch. Not feeling as down as thismorning. Thank you.
04-01-2013, 10:39 AM   #10
Amy2
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I cannot imagine enduring what some of you do.
04-01-2013, 10:48 AM   #11
nogutsnoglory
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That's a great idea to walk the dogs and take time to relax and connect with nature. You inspired me to take a walk later today too.
04-01-2013, 12:32 PM   #12
Jim (POPS)
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i'm glad you took that walk with your dog. Thats the way to go girl. You are loved by all, you need to know that deep in your heart, real deep. When we only think of the crohns EVERYTHING seems to be off, taking a walk with dogs gets your mind off of things and we enjoy life much better. Sometimes when all I've been doing is thinking of the crohns when I am sick it really gets me down. And then when I make myself do something it flashes into my mind that, WOW, there is really life out hear, I sure miss this. Its like finding a long lost friend that I haven't seen in a long time. You will be just fine. Keep your head up and don't look down at the crohns.
Jim (pops)
04-03-2013, 02:01 PM   #13
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I haven't posted since a little after my reversal but after reading your post, I felt the need to post. First of all, you are NOT a burden but I can relate to the way you feel. I have been diagnosed with Crohn's for 23 years but I only had my ileostomy for 5 months. It affected everything in my life even more than I care to admit and I felt similar to how you feel.

I also have 3 kids and I felt like I was letting them down so much and the depression was so overwhelming, I actually told my husband to leave me so he could have a normal life... We talked about our feelings and he made it clear that even with this ugly disease and everything that comes with it, he would never leave because he and the children love me and choose to always support me.

Long story short, I saw my doctor, went on medication to help with the depression and anxiety, and continued to share my feelings with my family. Life got good again and I'm so grateful that we all kept fighting to make it. Please don't give up because nothing lasts forever, not the good and not the bad so these feelings will pass and things will get better.
04-05-2013, 04:33 AM   #14
Amy2
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I'm sorry you are suffering so much.

My mother suffered from depression and I remember being annoyed by it, when I was 15. She wasn't fun to be around. But, she was my MOM and I loved her and I didn't think that I would have have been better off without her.

Can you make plans to do something special with your children? It might make all of you feel a little better.
04-06-2013, 02:48 PM   #15
KazT17
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Hi Jano, it is still early days for you. I am just coming up to a year and I am only just starting to get my life back to some degree. I was told to give myself a year, and to accept setbacks along the way. You have not had it easy, I have read your posts. I have also felt that I was holding everyone back. I even told my doc that I was leaving my family at one point lol. But now i am getting back to the helm, pulling them all back in to line, as we mums do. I hope you can see the progress you have already made, and know that you will continue to improve. Look after yourself, your family love you as much as you love them xxx
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04-06-2013, 03:59 PM   #16
Honey
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Hi there You have been having a hard time, so it is natural to feel low. Hang on in there and with the support of your loved ones, times will get better. This forum provides a great way of venting one's feelings, so keep using it! Meds too can play havoc with our emotions, so speak to your doctor.I found going for a facial and massage very de_ stressing! Recommend it. I hope you soon feel happier. Best wishes.
04-06-2013, 05:20 PM   #17
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You're not a burden. My husband has Crohn's and we have a son together. He has occasionally tried to tell me that he's just a burden, similar to what you're saying, and I can firmly and honestly tell him he's not. He's my husband, and the father of my son. I made a promise to him to always be there for him, through sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Just because he's sick a lot and life isn't so great, doesn't mean I love him any less. If anything, it just helps magnify my love for him, whether he sees it or not.

Hang in there. I just wanted to give you the other side's argument. You're not worthless, you're not unloved, you're not a burden.
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07-17-2013, 11:49 PM   #18
william
 
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I just wanted to tell you I've been feeling really down lately, and I was diagnosed only a year and a half ago. I constantly feel like I'm letting my fiancé down. She misses out on a lot because I'm constantly feeling nausea and sick. But in the end, she loves me and will always be there for me. I'm sure your family feels the same way about you. I sometimes think our loved ones really get the short end of the stick. They're probably just frustrated as well. I am truly inspired by people like you, Janette, who have battled this terrible disease for decades. It takes a lot of courage! Hang in there
07-24-2013, 10:02 PM   #19
lblair
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Praying for you and your family!!!
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