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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender » Input on dealing with family & girlfriend during surgery


03-02-2013, 12:25 PM   #1
snowhite_dahlia
 
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Input on dealing with family & girlfriend during surgery

Yay, really glad I found this support group - got a question that I think the folks here can probably give input on/sympathize with.

Quick intro about me - was diagnosed with Crohn's in 2005, when I was 19. Had a reeeally rough time trying everything to get my symptoms under control until I switched docs and was put on Remicade. What a life-saver! I haven't had many problems since (did need to switch to Humira after Remicade started losing efficacy and had a couple obstructions) - up until now that is. I'm scheduled for surgery next week, but I'm feeling really hopeful about getting back to remission.

I'm also a pansexual girl - I've been with my current girlfriend for about a year and a half (though we've been friends for several years) and I cannot even explain how wonderful and supportive she is. With this recent battle of symptoms, she has been there every step - driving me to the ER at 3am, taking time off work to come with me to appointments, calming me down after they tried to give me an NG tube at my CT enterography... I feel so blessed, especially after my last partner was such a jerk to me when I was ill (he would tell me he didn't have time to "just come sit around" in the hospital because he was so busy working on his doctorate. ._.)

But, to my question for you all: I finally came out to my family last year when I realized that things were becoming serious with my girlfriend (I didn't like feeling like I was lying about her.) Considering we're all Catholic (well, clearly I am the more liberal Catholic!), my family took it pretty well though they made it clear that they didn't really like it (as in, I'm not particularly hopeful that they will attend my wedding.) They're civil to my girlfriend, but with my surgery coming up I've sensed some tension from my family about the whole lot of us (me, my girlfriend, and my family) being together.

Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Any advice? I know there will be no problems from my girlfriend because she is so sweet and lovely, but sometimes my family can be... difficult. I just don't want to be playing peace-keeper while I should be focusing on healing. :/

Anyway! So glad to be here and looking forward to chatting with you all.
03-02-2013, 07:58 PM   #2
plaidknitter
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Snowhite, I haven't been in that situation, but it is wonderful that your girlfriend is so supportive!

Would your family respond at all to a direct sit down sometime before your surgery where you could say some variation on, "I know that my relationship with GF makes you uncomfortable, but she is an important part of my support network, and I would appreciate if you could put aside your objections for the time being so I can focus on healing." I know some people respond well to direct requests but others really don't...

I hope that your surgery goes well and that your family is respectful so that you don't have to worry about it.
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03-03-2013, 11:08 AM   #3
nogutsnoglory
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Yay, really glad I found this support group - got a question that I think the folks here can probably give input on/sympathize with.

Quick intro about me - was diagnosed with Crohn's in 2005, when I was 19. Had a reeeally rough time trying everything to get my symptoms under control until I switched docs and was put on Remicade. What a life-saver! I haven't had many problems since (did need to switch to Humira after Remicade started losing efficacy and had a couple obstructions) - up until now that is. I'm scheduled for surgery next week, but I'm feeling really hopeful about getting back to remission.

I'm also a pansexual girl - I've been with my current girlfriend for about a year and a half (though we've been friends for several years) and I cannot even explain how wonderful and supportive she is. With this recent battle of symptoms, she has been there every step - driving me to the ER at 3am, taking time off work to come with me to appointments, calming me down after they tried to give me an NG tube at my CT enterography... I feel so blessed, especially after my last partner was such a jerk to me when I was ill (he would tell me he didn't have time to "just come sit around" in the hospital because he was so busy working on his doctorate. ._.)

But, to my question for you all: I finally came out to my family last year when I realized that things were becoming serious with my girlfriend (I didn't like feeling like I was lying about her.) Considering we're all Catholic (well, clearly I am the more liberal Catholic!), my family took it pretty well though they made it clear that they didn't really like it (as in, I'm not particularly hopeful that they will attend my wedding.) They're civil to my girlfriend, but with my surgery coming up I've sensed some tension from my family about the whole lot of us (me, my girlfriend, and my family) being together.

Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Any advice? I know there will be no problems from my girlfriend because she is so sweet and lovely, but sometimes my family can be... difficult. I just don't want to be playing peace-keeper while I should be focusing on healing. :/

Anyway! So glad to be here and looking forward to chatting with you all.
snowhite_dahlia, I'm happy to hear about your relationship with your girlfriend but feel terrible about the awkwardness with your family and your upcoming surgery. I think plaidknitter is spot on that you should sit your family down before surgery and put it all out on the table. I think you should say how important and helpful she is to you and that she will be there while you recuperate and that you don't want to have to worry about the potential tension. The conversation may be really helpful for them as well as a way to discuss the issue. Have they ever said anything against her or do you just get the feeling they don't approve? How does your girlfriend feel about your family?
03-03-2013, 11:30 AM   #4
jlm
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Snowhite_dahlia sorry you have to put up with that during surgery. I also agree with plaidknitter, have a sit down with your family. I've been not feeling well for the last 2 years and wouldn't know where I'd be with out my girlfriend and her family. All of my family live in a different province so I don't see them often. My girlfriends family really accepted her and me with open arms and were great during my surgery. Hope you can get it all straightened away before your surgery.
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03-03-2013, 11:36 AM   #5
martinF
 
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Yay, really glad I found this support group - got a question that I think the folks here can probably give input on/sympathize with.

Quick intro about me - was diagnosed with Crohn's in 2005, when I was 19. Had a reeeally rough time trying everything to get my symptoms under control until I switched docs and was put on Remicade. What a life-saver! I haven't had many problems since (did need to switch to Humira after Remicade started losing efficacy and had a couple obstructions) - up until now that is. I'm scheduled for surgery next week, but I'm feeling really hopeful about getting back to remission.

I'm also a pansexual girl - I've been with my current girlfriend for about a year and a half (though we've been friends for several years) and I cannot even explain how wonderful and supportive she is. With this recent battle of symptoms, she has been there every step - driving me to the ER at 3am, taking time off work to come with me to appointments, calming me down after they tried to give me an NG tube at my CT enterography... I feel so blessed, especially after my last partner was such a jerk to me when I was ill (he would tell me he didn't have time to "just come sit around" in the hospital because he was so busy working on his doctorate. ._.)

But, to my question for you all: I finally came out to my family last year when I realized that things were becoming serious with my girlfriend (I didn't like feeling like I was lying about her.) Considering we're all Catholic (well, clearly I am the more liberal Catholic!), my family took it pretty well though they made it clear that they didn't really like it (as in, I'm not particularly hopeful that they will attend my wedding.) They're civil to my girlfriend, but with my surgery coming up I've sensed some tension from my family about the whole lot of us (me, my girlfriend, and my family) being together.

Has anyone been in a situation like this before? Any advice? I know there will be no problems from my girlfriend because she is so sweet and lovely, but sometimes my family can be... difficult. I just don't want to be playing peace-keeper while I should be focusing on healing. :/

Anyway! So glad to be here and looking forward to chatting with you all.
Hi!!!! First. Congrats on your wedding!!! That is so cool. Ive heard Crohn's/flare ups can be stress related. And...your wedding should be as stressfree as possible! It is about you and your girlfriend. A celebration of two lives...coming together. Loving one and other - through thick and thin.

And, as Crohn's can be related to stress..so you know what - i'd do my best to focus on healing and the love that your wedding celebrates :-) You don't need to be a peace-keeper - though i understand why you feel you have to. You shouldn't. They should realize how amazing it is that they have you in your life and that your wedding is coming up and that you've found someone as wonderful as your girlfriend. They should be keeping the peace. Not you. Its not you with the problem. They should be celebrating you and making sure you have a stress-free wedding.

Let them know that your girlfriend/soon to be wife will stand by you, loves you and will be by your side through difficult times. She cares and loves you. Just as them.
04-17-2013, 01:25 AM   #6
nogutsnoglory
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snowhite_dahlia, how are you doing?. I wanted to know if you ever talked to your parents and when your surgery is scheduled for or if it did how things went?
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