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04-24-2013, 02:14 AM   #1
Foxterier
 
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My sister told me to kill myself

Hi everybody.

My name is Kate, I am 24 years old Czech girl and I am tested for CD suspicion.

For more than 4 months I suffer from nausea, diarrhea, am losing weight (that was not a problem until recently), vomiting few times a week and feel weaker than I never did before. I must wait till June for another set of tests. Basically, I somehow managed the worst physical symptoms, but there is the biggest problem of all - my family.

My mother never married anybody, she raised me and my two older sisters (37y., 35y.) all by herself. Girls left home when I was five and they never looked back. They couldn't. Our mom is really abusive person. She used to beat us a lot, so when sisters disappeared, I was left alone in my personal hell. Mom spent all her life yelling at somebody, hiting her children with massive oak pole and psychically torturing them. Many people say she has to be psychopath, she understands, how emotions work, but she can't feel them. She never even smiled or huged us, she tought us, that expressing our feelings is sign of weakness, strong people just leave emotions for themselves, the best don't even have ones, like robots. I just grew up in family, where I learned to be always ashamed of myself for feeling stuff.

The saddest thing about parental children abuse in my country is that it's more common than anybody wishes. And it is often passed from generation to generation... Kids are born to serve, they have no control over their lives whatsoever.

I left home when I was 17 and lived with boyfriends, their families, but I wasn't happy. I was depressed probably whole my life that I can remember. And I don't really remember much. I lost all my memories the day I ran away.

Now it's seven years later and my memories decided to come back, slowly, painfully, one-by-one. And they are making pretty big mess in my head.

From time to time I consider commiting suicide, few times I even took the pills (when I was teenager), in January I went to the forrest and took 15 pills of zolpidem, fortunatelly, before I fell asleep, I saw a police car. They saved my life and I knew that day death is not an answer, just peace. I am not very grateful for my family and for the life they gave me and I know that makes me no-good daughter/sister/whatever. I want to be the loving relative they expect me to be, but our family is too damaged and full of wounded people...

My sisters' father repeatedly raped them and few years ago he died before they got a chance to talk to him. When they told mom, she didn't respond at all. Later she just told them, that she thought it was my father (three children, two dads), who had been abusing them. Apparently, that is NOT the reaction child wants when turning to his own mother with such a delicate situation.

Although they had a suspicion, girls didn't actually know and care about things mother did to me. Kicked me, sometimes denied me food, I still can't remember everything. And worst of all - she was cruel and enjoyed torturing of weaker, I remember that insane look in her eye. And somehow I feel that is her biggest sin.

I try to keep positive mood, but sometimes your brain is unstopable. It just lives its life whether you want it or not. Three days ago it was one too many. I went for a walk and suddenly I was calling my mother and talking (sometimes yelling). About everything she did to me. I asked her why. For five minutes I didn't think of consequences and just let it out. She just laughed at me and called my boyfriend to go and find his insane woman in the forrest. I didn't do it in revenge, or because of getting any answers. Or pity for myself. I just wanted to be left alone, I just wanted her to KNOW and let me be once and for all.

My oldest sister wrote me yesterday first thing in the morning, that mom didn't deserve to be yelled at and if I hate being part of this family that much, then I should kill myself. And posted something similar on my facebook wall, ha ha, that is real fun. When I was younger, mother let me read all letters my sister sent her, in which she complained to mom about how her life got worse after I was born and that she wish I never existed. That hurts a lot, I didn't mean to steal anyone's parent, did I...

From time to time I just feel I can't handle it anymore. My therapists are too far and I am unable to even walk by myself. Zoloft is a great stuff, but pills don't cure all kinds of pain.

I hate to whine, oh god, how I hate it. But keeping everything to myself almost got me killed few times. I do have perfect boyfriend, this one doesn't beat me, he is kind, but still... I have serious problems with trusting people, especially those physically close to me, who can hurt me anytime. He wouldn't, never, I know, but he had normal childhood, he fortunatelly can't understand this everlasting paranoia and fear. Fear of closed door, fast moves, blinking light, strange look in the eye... And he's my only hope for normal future life, I need him to stay pure and out of this mess as much as possible. I don't want to lose him just because I am crying dying wreck, who has to deal with death proposals. He knows about everything and supports me, but he is getting tired too... And I so desperately want to be normal, act normal, feel normal.

I consider visiting "mental sanatorium" for the second time (I took an one week vacation there in Autumn), the doctor there used to tell us, that loony-bin is everything out there, behind the walls. Sometimes I think he is damn right... Sorry for the depression spread, folks. I am just too exhausted by the desease (whatever it may be), I can't deal with my past right now. But it's really persistant. Every night I am wakened by some nightmarish dream about mom cutting my body into pieces. I feel I am losing it...
04-24-2013, 02:23 AM   #2
Foxterier
 
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Even now can't stop feeling like I did something unspeakably wrong now by telling you all about my situation. Like somebody might punish me for opening myself...
04-24-2013, 03:24 AM   #3
Jennifer
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I'm sorry to hear you had a terrible childhood Foxterier. It really is sad that people treat others that way and think that its ok. Its not ok and you didn't do anything wrong. I applaud you for opening up to us. We're all here for you.

With family like that, even though they are related by blood, they don't deserve your forgiveness or love in my opinion. If they apologize in the future and actually change, its your call if you want to forgive them and allow them back into your life. Right now though they really cause too much stress and if you do have Crohn's, stress is a common trigger so if you could avoid them (block them on Face Book etc) it would help you a lot.

I was also abused as a child and really understand that "look in their eye" that you mentioned. The pupil tends to dilate and it feels like everything slows down and you have this intense fear that something bad is about to happen which puts you into that fight or flight response. I still have issues with it from time to time even though I'm 31 now. For me its more common when I'm in an enclosed space where you're forced to be close to someone. If someone looks at me without talking, just looking with no smile I get the same reaction flooding through my body even though they aren't about to hit me. It became a conditioned response and really time is the only sure way that I've noticed to help that response lesson and hopefully eventually go away (along with staying away from abusive people).

I've also dealt with depression and attempted suicide and spent time in a mental institution. I agree that its not the answer (suicide isn't but if you need it committing yourself into a mental ward could be beneficial). We have so much to live for and can't let our horrible upbringing control the rest of our lives. I think its important for those of us who were abused to help teach others that its not ok and if we do have children in the future then we can bring them up right in a loving home and show them how people should be treated.

We also weren't raised with hugs, kisses or learning to say "please" and "thank you." I didn't hear my parents say that they loved me until I finished college and it sounded and really felt so forced. When my dad says it, it really sounds more like a threat than anything else. They try to pretend that nothing ever happened. My siblings and I are still all trying to train ourselves to show our emotions rather than randomly blowing up and harming ourselves or other people. I know that I've gotten a lot better yet my oldest sister still seems to have some psychotic episodes which is concerning because she has two sweet little girls.

That may have gotten off track and there's so much info to share but the point is that things can get better, it all just takes time. I'm glad that you're reaching out and utilizing the options that are out there such as medication, counseling etc. It really does help as time goes on. If you need someone to talk to we're all here but you can also feel free to PM me anytime if you want.
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Diagnosis: Crohn's in 1991 at age 9
Surgeries: 1 Small Bowel Resection in 1999; Central IV in 1991-92
Meds for CD: 6MP 50mg
Things I take: Tenormin 25mg (PVCs and Tachycardia), Junel, Tylenol 3, Omeprazole 20mg 2/day, Klonopin 1mg 2/day (anxiety), Restoril 15mg (insomnia), Claritin 20mg
Currently in: REMISSION Thought it was a flare but it's just scar tissue from my resection. Dealing with a stricture. Remission from my resection, 17 years and counting.
04-24-2013, 03:56 AM   #4
Beach bum
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I have to agree with Jennifer, you do not need these people in your life. Nor should you be feeling guilty about all the things that have happened to you. Cut yourself off from them, block them and ignore them.

I had similar experiences as a child and when I first got together with my husband , I couldn't cope with the happiness and normalcy, it was as if I was always waiting for things to go wrong because I was so used to chaos and pain that I thought they were normal - they are not. I had counselling to get through it and it really did work.

Is there anyway you and your boyfriend could move away together to start a new life ?
Some distance and time away to live in peace is just what you need to heal mentally and get to grips with your physical health.

Again Jen is right, stress will be making your symptoms worse.
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Being given a "drugs rest" from Aza - 17/9/14
04-24-2013, 04:00 AM   #5
deb123
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Big cuddle for you x

I have similar traits with my family. Just to let you know its not you its them.

I have tried in the past to speak to my Mum about things that she has done to be, the affect on me and to try to understand or even to get her to acknowledge my pain, but she laughs or is abusive, so I have moved on.

When I had children of my own, I came to understand how messed up they were, and like you I had wanted to die when I was younger.

I am now raising my children with all the love and cuddles they need, I wont make the same mistake. I feel proud how I have turned that past messed up life around.

There will be a brighter future, sometimes you can reason with the past as I have found, it only made me feel worse.

The best of luck to you, and lots of my best wishes.
Im glad you have opened up on here, and know that there is support and understanding xxx
04-24-2013, 05:21 AM   #6
Foxterier
 
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Deep inside I've always known I can't be the only one going through this. Reading about you getting over it and moving on gives me a hope. In mental institution I visited they told me that recovery from all the things I've been through is gonna take five years of therapy, maybe more. Since I was fifteen I had a therapist, but it was quite comic, as I thought he wants me to smile and look happy. I just couldn't tell them, I thought I would ruin their day Therapists are great, antidepressants too, but for me the biggest problem was to talk to them honestly and let them help me. Simple cooperation

My beloved man and I live 350 km far away from my family, but as my sister told me, I can't escape from them. In the time of Internet and phones... But I don't care. I don't mind their presence on this planet, as long as they are no longer present in my head

Sometimes all I need is to be reasured I did the right thing. And it is still hard to admit, that sometimes the only right thing hurts and doesn't come with fanfares and glory. Sometimes winning a life-long battle just leaves you exhausted, not cheerful. But I gained hope, I gained a mental picture of me, my man and our future children, happy, loving, smiling. And I won't let it go for anybody

We all just need to stick to people who understand us and are present. Thanks for both, to every of you, close and at the same time far to me. I hope I will get strong soon enough to provide help, not just ask for it. Wish me luck

And wish luck and understanding to all of you, meeting kind people heals many wounds :-*
04-24-2013, 11:16 AM   #7
Ya noy
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Foxterier,

I am so sorry to hear all you've been through. As you can see from others here, many have endured horrific tragedies, and pain. I have as well, and it gotten to the point where I thought I was losing my mind, replaying the past in my head, like a broken record, over and over, letting the people who harmed me live rent-free inside my head, and worst of all, with the knowledge that they could care less.

It's said that depression is actually anger, turned inwards, on yourself. I'd rather direct it outwards where it belongs, by getting angry at those who harmed me. Yelling works fine for this purpose, and I feel you did the right thing, trying to gain some closure with your mom. Anger can be constructive, providing it doesn't continue too long, because then it becomes destructive. Anger consumes far too much energy, creating stress and robbing you of your peace of mind.

If I can't resolve the issue or gain closure from them, I move to the next stage, which is instituting the "no contact" rule, and that means, no contact whatsoever. If they call, I don't answer, and then they can't tell me to "go kill myself", can they? Actually, if my sister said that to me, I think I'd have to tell her, "If I do, I'm probably going to have to take you with me. Why should I die alone? " Make her think twice before suggesting something that cruel to me again.

Instituting the "no contact rule" means you don't talk to anyone about them either, and if someone mentions their name, I ask them to stop. I don't use Facebook, don't visit their page, or the Facebook pages of anyone they're "friends" with. So you actually can "escape" them, no matter what your sister tells you. I've done it several times. Just because your sister can open her mouth and make words come out, doesn't make anything she says true.

Final stage is to serve the eviction notice to prevent them from continuing to live rent-free inside my head, once and for all. There may be several ways of doing this, but there's only one way that's ever worked for me, and it's not for everyone. All I have to do is recognize the truth, which is that only the people you let into you life (and heart) have the power to hurt you, and once I've banned them from my life, the only one who's keeping them inside my head is me, and the only one I'm hurting by allowing it to continue, is myself.

To free myself, I have get rid of all the anger, bitterness, and resentment I've been holding against them, because that's what's causing my pain, weighing me down, like a pile of rocks. To get rid of that burden, I have to get it off my shoulders. They may have constructed the prison I'm locked in, but I'm the one holding the key to freedom. How? I personally use the oldest method there is, and forgive them. That may sound impossible, and for some, it is, but you don't forgive your enemies because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace. You deserve freedom.

I don't even have to tell them I forgive them (not that they would care) or even talk to them, ever again. I do it in my heart, fully and completely, by myself, for myself. Once it's done, I'm free.

How could you forgive your mom? If she is a psychopath, she's living 1/2 a life, and a rather sad and pathetic one at that. She never has or will know the joy of unconditional love, or any of the most important things that makes life truly worth living. What kind of life is that? Pity her, forgive, and move forward, with the knowledge that you will live an amazing life, one that she will never know. The best revenge is living well, with a joyful heart filled only with happiness and love.

It may not be for everyone, but it works for me.

I wish you all the best
04-25-2013, 04:24 AM   #8
Foxterier
 
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Hi Ya noy,

I have to admit, that with some of them the no contact rule is the only one that is gonna work.

If they call, I don't answer, and then they can't tell me to "go kill myself", can they? Actually, if my sister said that to me, I think I'd have to tell her, "If I do, I'm probably going to have to take you with me. Why should I die alone? " Make her think twice before suggesting something that cruel to me again.
- that is something I never thought of and now I WISH I did It would have saved me from much pain. I grew up in the philosophy, that the youngest child (aka me) has to be kind; never to make anybody angry, because they have their own problems and need me to raise myself. I was smart kid, I had many hobbies and was the prototype of happy child - excellent grades, encyclopedical knowledge of turtles (specialty - turtles of North America), ability to take care of any animal, joined Red Cross in the age of nine...

But when I was eleven I started to sense something like hatred from my sisters. I didn't know everything about their relationship with mom, but I remembered the closed door, my mother yelling and my sister crying. All of that because I told mom something she didn't have to know about. But as a small child I coudln't know...

I adored my sisters when I was child, I wanted to be like them, they were so great! They used to sit in bed together and talk, hugging, they seemed so close to each other! But for some strange reason they never liked me. I had different father, was 12 years younger and was considered to be mom's spoilt baby. And then they left without a word... And nobody explained to me, why. Well, it couldn't be because of mom, mom is smart, great woman, almost goddess, nobody could ever hate her! So, it must be me. And in age of five I became the world's biggest evil in my own eyes. And this guilt and "curse" stuck with me until recently. In my 20's I told this to my second sister, and she cried. They never knew.

As a smart kid I was put at some prestigeous school when I was eleven. My grades got worse and I thought that is my punishment for ruining my sisters' lives, that the Fate is giving me what I deserve. Worse grades meant more attention of my mom, telling me how useless I am. My sisters wished I never existed and mom saw only the worst in me.

I was picked up by some boy, who seemed to be kind, but as a time went by, he started to beat me and exploit me, I felt completely helpless, powerless and thought I must have done something horrible in past life. But I had to stay - he was the one that saved me from my mother, he helped me find a place to live and gave me some essential feeling that he cares. But the price was too high. He held me responsible for not finishing university and losing his sense of sight on one eye, even for his bad relationship with dad.

And then, one day, I felt I have enough of this and nothing to lose. I moved out, but we still had the urge to be in touch. We both were damaged and scared of being alone. I was weak and ill, I suffered from chronic cystitis for years, my life fell apart, and one day I just lost it. Fortunatelly, I met an angel, my boyfriend, who helped me to sort everything out and is with me almost four years now.

Sometimes I still feel like Beach bum is describing - I am expecting something going wrong every minute of my life. As if I lived on credit last few years and now wait for metaphysical executors to take away everything...

I am sorry for all those uncomprehensible details, it just had to go out...
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