05-02-2013, 12:27 PM   #1
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lsgs's Avatar
Frustrated with partner

I'm just needing a good vent here and to hear from people who've been in a similar situation.

I appreciate that my husband is 25 and probably did not expect to be facing up to what we have to on a daily basis. And I do get that I do not fulfill my wifely duties as I should because I spend most of my time sleeping these days!

Around 3 weeks ago I was too sick to go to a friends and he didn't speak to me properly for about a week. Every word had an undertone of resentment to it.

Then on Tuesday just there I had to go in for MR enteroclysis. I was extremely distressed by getting an NJ tube placed, they got it into my stomach and could go no further, my gag reflex was so strong I was still gagging severely when I should have stopped. In fact I really, really hurt my back the retching was so violent. I have been in pain now not only with my tummy since my steroid dose is coming down, but my back is so painful when it hits the wrong spot I am close to passing out. I have to work tomorrow (I'm a dentist) and bad backs and dentistry do not mix and I am stressing out something awful.

So when my husband showed absolutely no sympathy and in fact seemed angry I couldn't get the tube down it was pretty upsetting. Then he came in yesterday and said 'hello faker' in reference to my back. When I flipped out on him for that he just said he was joking, but why say something like that if there's not an element of how you feel in it? Everything is always about how it inconveniences him, and I can see why he feels like that, but a hug when I've had a really bad day trying to get a stupid tube stuffed up my nose wouldn't go amiss. Instead he sulks as if I've done something wrong.

I'm so glad to have my mum, she has rheumatoid arthritis and since her diagnosis is completely understanding. But I feel so so alone most of the time having lost the majority of my friendships during my worst periods of illness. I just wish my husband was more supportive, I'm too scared to tell him I feel unwell or squiffy as he goes in a mood.

Our relationship is otherwise perfect except for this big black cloud of my illnesses hanging over us.

Anyone else feel the same?
Sjogren's syndrome - 2009

Presumed IBD - 2012

Cholecystectomy, liver biopsy and lymph node excision - 2015

Primary Biliary Cholangitis - 2016

Bile Reflux Gastritis - 2016
05-02-2013, 12:58 PM   #2
xX_LittleMissValentine_Xx's Avatar
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Hey, sorry to hear this. Reading your post I feel frustrated for you.
As much as all of us want to ignore it, having a chronic illness is a massive part of us and if you are going to survive your relationship you need to find a way to get past where you are now (or he does more like it).
I'm sorry if that came out harsh, but as I said before I feel frustrated for you, and from an outsiders perspective probably not as sad as you are.

I haven't been in a relationship for a long time so I might be seeing things too simply. I think you really need to try and talk to him about what is going on because he must be finding it hard to deal with. In some ways it can be harder for the person watching because they don't know what its like. But I think you really need him on your side, so try to be as open as possible with each other.

Good luck I really hope you can work it out x x
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Last edited by xX_LittleMissValentine_Xx; 05-02-2013 at 01:24 PM.
05-02-2013, 02:58 PM   #3
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Hi, Isgs. I'm feeling very angry on your behalf. I am very fortunate to have a husband who is supportive in the extreme. Not only do I have Crohn's, but I also have degenerative disc disease and have had several surgeries for that. I can't do much physically, so he gets to do the vaccuuming and any lifting. I'm always worried that he will resent me and everything that is wrong with me and how it affects our lives, but he always says he understands that it's not my fault, and he supports me and loves me no matter what. He also appreciates that I am supportive and do things for him too. We've been married for 23 years. I'm hoping that your husband just hasn't appreciated that what you are going through is very real and painful. Many people seem to think that anyone who has a chronic condition is just a whiner looking for attention. We who suffer understand that this is not the case. Perhaps you need to have a sit-down discussion to let him know how hurt you are and how abandoned you feel because he is considering only how your condition is affecting his life, and not what it is doing to you.
05-02-2013, 03:07 PM   #4
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Ooooh, those are big red flags to me. Calling you a faker and giving you the silent treatment - what is he, 5 years old?? I went through something similar with my hubby and it wasn't fun - I was contemplating leaving for awhile there. My hubby never gave me the silent treatment nor called me a faker, but he said things like, he felt like I wasn't as sick as I said I was, maybe I was just doing it for attention, how could somebody be sick like that for so long? He did not believe me and he would get frustrated when I wasn't able to do stuff around the house or go out with friends. He got upset once when I asked if he could run to the pharmacy for me and pick something up. Not supportive at all! It was a terrible time.

The thing that turned around my marriage was, my hubby suddenly got ill himself! He didn't even confess it to me at first, he hid it for a few months. But then he got really ill while at a friend's house - when he visits his friend, he's normally there until the wee hours of the morning, but that day he came home at like 9 PM. So I knew something was up. He admitted he had been having bad LRQ pains and vomiting attacks - he felt like he might have IBD as well! I suspected a grumbling appendix and got him in to see the GP right away. While waiting for test results, he had another bad attack and ended up in the ER, where he got diagnosed with kidney stones. He was referred to a urologist, who decided to take a "wait and see" approach to see if the stones would pass on their own. They didn't, and hubby spent 6 months being tortured from the inside (he had surgery after 6 months to remove the impacted stone). The attacks could come out of nowhere, they could debilitate him, they were incredibly painful and would make him vomit, they would cause him to have to miss social events, he was taking a lot of medication and going to the doctor often, etc. Sound familiar?

So yeah, after hubby's experience, he has been MUCH more understanding. He actually believes me when I say I'm feeling bad or in pain. He's helpful and doesn't complain when I can't do something. Him getting kidney stones pretty much saved our marriage. He had to experience something similar in order to understand what was happening to me.

My long and rambly point is, some people just do not "get it" until they live it for themselves. I don't know if it's a denial thing or selfishness or what. Not that I'm wishing kidney stones on your guy, but something has to give. I wonder how he'd react if you showed him some of the posts on the forum? I know I'm not being very helpful, but my hubby getting sick was literally the only thing that got the message through to him. For what it's worth, my brother has always been a stupid idiot who doesn't believe I'm ill (he thinks if I just want it badly enough, I'll be totally well again) and there is absolutely no reasoning with him. So I kind of hope he gets kidney stones...
05-06-2013, 01:52 PM   #5
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Hi lsgs

My wife has pretty serious Crohn's (multiple surgeries, etc.) for more than 25 years; I have pretty mild UC.

I don't know either you or your husband, so I really can't guess what is going on with him. But it may be that he is having trouble coping with all of this, and is dealing with it by lashing out at you. I can tell you that as a spouse of someone with serious Crohn's that it is emotionally very hard for us, particularly seeing someone you love suffer and you can't really do anything about it as it ruins life for both of you.

I am not saying that what he is doing is acceptable. I would suggest that you two need to face his response head-on, and maybe seek some outside help. When my wife had her last major surgery, which resulted in an ostomy, we both saw a counselor through the hospital who dealt with post-surgical issues, including "intimate" issues. And independent of that, we went to a relationship therapist several years ago for a couple of months to work on some other issues. Both of these things have been very helpful.

Good luck.
05-06-2013, 03:06 PM   #6
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jwfoise - it sounds like you are a good, supportive spouse! Your wife is lucky to have you. My husband is also very supportive - never gets resentful of my limitations and goes out of his way to help or do things for me. Spouses like you and him are the example others should live by! Showing others that a meaningful relationship really does mean "in sickness and in health" and not just "when things are smooth and convenient".
06-02-2013, 03:04 PM   #7
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
25 is too old to be so self-centered and immature. You need to nip this in the bud with him. His behavior is hurtful and unacceptable.
06-20-2013, 05:11 AM   #8
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Sorry to hear that your husband is reacting this way.
I can see why he'd be frustrated but it isn't your fault, and surely he knew being with you wouldn't be a walk in the park when you have an incurable disease? My boyfriend has been with me every step of the way except when it comes to sex (I had bowel-to-bladder fistulae for a year and a half, I was completely put off), and even then after he has his huff he apologises. However, you're going to have this disease for the rest of your life. It may be better for a while but it could be worse. Do you really need someone adding all this extra stress to your situation? You may see your relationship perfect apart from this but IBD is always going to be a huge part of your life. If he can't understand that then I reckon you're better off without him. But that's easy to say, I don't know either of you.

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