Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Partners, Family, Friends & Caregivers » He pushes me away, but I am determined to stay

05-08-2013, 04:54 PM   #1
Lalia's Avatar
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Alberta
He pushes me away, but I am determined to stay

Hi everyone!
I am brand new in this forum snd I first want to send out my big hug to everyone. It's been some weeks now I am reading many threads here and I am amazed and proud of each one of you. everyone here is a piece of art, everyone in their own way.
sorry to admit but I was not familiar with this IBD, hardly ever heard of. And then there was this guy.

I wasn't sure if I would write here, until I read a thread here and was shocked like reading my story.
not feeling alone gave me some hope and here is my story

so I liked this guy from day one and I am sure it looked mutual. we start hanging out as friends. We are are both almst 30- it was never just friends.

He told me he has Crohn's since his esrly teens, when we knew each other for some couple of moenths. some more months passed and we kissed.
it looked we were both so happy with the fact we were now together.
but afte a short while he told me it's better we stay friends.

when you want to stay then the only way to achieve it is by not leaving. so I didn't leave.

my feelings said he wanted me to stay also. since then (some months now) we are keep getting closer, as friends.

I now know that when he stopped it with me, he had just started not feeling well.
and he lives in an agony of a flare up coming.
almost every day i ask how he feels "not good but OK" he says. i do not know what this means for him.

I do reasearch, so I understand and be supoortive, read so much (was so shocked to realise what he might goes through).
i am there for him 100% and I feel i always want to be there.

but, I am afraid that I have to respect him enough to believe maybe he just doesn't like him.
Maybe it's not his condition that made him push me away and maybe i am disrespectful to believe it.

then Sometimes I just trust my feelings and what I see and I know this guy wants me around.
and being there for him is all I want.

but how can I be my best for him?
how do I know if sometimes he needs to spend time alone and when he needs to see that he is not alone?

I let him believe I am only here as friend (because I don't want to stress him with saying I still like him that much), maybe i have to try bear honesty?
What does he need the most now?

i am also a person and it hurts.
it is sentimentaly exhausting in many different levels while maybe he just doesn't care to have me in his life.

do you also believe sometimes people push us away, because they wish we stay?
and if yes, how do you find the courage to stay then?

thank you so much for reading my story. I wish you all the best

Last edited by Lalia; 05-08-2013 at 05:56 PM. Reason: need advise
05-10-2013, 04:40 AM   #2
Ya noy
Senior Member
Ya noy's Avatar
Hi Lalia,

Welcome to the forum

I understand your frustration, but the only one who could possibly answer your questions, would be your ex-boyfriend. One thing you should pick up from this forum is how very different everyone here is. Everyone's symptoms are different, and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. Having a medical condition doesn't change anyone as a person though, or define their hopes, dreams, goals and desires.

There could be any number of reasons why he decided to break it off, but as a general rule, when someone you've been dating breaks up using the "Let's just be friends" (LJBF) line, what it means is that, it just didn't work out.

Maybe he doesn't feel up to dating right now. Maybe he met someone else he likes better. Maybe he enjoyed dating you, but he just doesn't have the same feelings for you, that you apparently have for him, meaning; he's just not that into you.

What you're seeking here is some reassurance, so you can continue holding on to the hope that he only broke up with you because of his medical condition, but that's not a reasonable expectation. It's possible, but there's other explanations which just as possible.

As far as dating goes though, no one is really ever "too busy". If someone really wants to see you, they'll make time. If someone genuinely cares about you, they won't make up excuses or break up using the "LJBF" line. They tell you the truth.

Even if a guy doesn't want to date you, that doesn't necessarily mean they don't want you in their life. Friendship can provide valuable benefits; companionship, support, someone to take care of your dog and house plants when you go on vacation, run errands and do chores around the house, and "friends with benefits" even comes with sexual gratification. Keeping an ex around on a "LJBF" basis can provide many benefits, and as long as the ex willing to do it, why not?

You ask what he needs? Well, my friend's ex is due in for a visit this weekend. After all, the roof on her hotel isn't going to reshingle and retar itself, now is it? He likes being there for her too.

I wish you all the best
05-10-2013, 05:23 AM   #3
SarahBear's Avatar
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Charleston, West Virginia

My Support Groups:
Welcome to the forum, Lalia!

I'm sorry to hear what you (and he) are going through. It's definitely a difficult situation, especially when you can't help but second guess yourself about his reasonings.

I agree with Ya noy - unfortunately, the only person who can really give you answers is him. I understand that it's hard to bring it up, though, especially when he's feeling unwell and you're concerned about upsetting him.

It could be that right now just isn't a good time for him, considering his health. He may be trying to eliminate any possible stress in his life. When sick, even the effort put into a relationship can be tiring. At certain times, you just have to be able to focus on yourself, and now may be one of those times for him. He might want to wait until he's feeling better and can focus more easily on a relationship.

In your situation, I feel like I would make it known that I wanted more than a friendship - but that I would accept friendship if that was truly all he wanted. In almost all situations, honesty and openness make things easier for everyone. If it comes up and you can do so without pushing him to it, it might be good to try to talk about it. You're right - you do have needs too, and you have a right to know what he wants out of things so you can either move on or wait. If you don't feel that he's been completely honest with you in regards to this, it might not hurt to readdress that issue.

I do believe people push others away when they truly want them to stay. In a lot of situations, it's the people we care most about that we push away - because we know they won't give up on us anyway. It's similar to how you can be completely furious with your mother or your siblings or another family member and say hurtful things you would never dream of saying to someone else - because you know that in the end, they'll forgive you and they're still going to love you. There's just less of a wall up between you. And sometimes, pushing people away is a way of testing them and seeing how much they care.

I hope things get better for you!

Diagnosed with Crohn's disease 12/6/08.
Have taken: Prednisone, 6mp, methotrexate, Pentasa.
Currently waiting for a new medication!

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