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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender » Close friend passed and his family is being horrible to partner & friends


06-09-2013, 04:31 AM   #1
Ya noy
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Close friend passed and his family is being horrible to partner & friends

Well, we don't have gay marriage laws here in Illinois and if anyone doesn't think it makes a difference, right now, I'm in a state of disbelief, more upset than you could imagine.

I just found out that one of my very closest, and dearest friends passed away--2 months ago! He was only 40, and died suddenly of pneumonia. He was gay, his family lives in Texas, and they wouldn't allow his partner to stay with him in the hospital, nor did they invite him to the funeral, regardless of the fact that they had been together for almost 20 years and owned a home together. His family didn't invite or tell me either, or any of his other friends here. They just took him back to Texas, and didn't even place an obituary for him in the newspaper. His mom won't even answer my phone calls so I can offer my condolences. They won't talk to his partner, or any of his other friends here either.

His family never accepted the fact that he was gay, and really had a problem with his performing in drag in some of the local clubs here.

His partner tried to contact me, but I've been working out of town and he didn't have my new cell number. He is grieving and excruciating pain, especially at not being allowed to take part in his funeral, so he could say his good byes. To add insult to injury, the only contact his family made was through their attorney, for his possessions and property, because at the age of 40, he hadn't drawn up a will yet. Fortunately, they owned their home jointly, "tenancy in the entirety" so his family can't take that, but they took everything else, leaving his partner nothing to remember him by. His family even instructed the attorney not to give his partner any information regarding his remains, so he doesn't even know whether they had him cremated or buried.

He used to tell me some of the more outrageous stunts his family would pull, and I used to think he had to exaggerating, that they couldn't possibly be that cruel. I don't even know what to say.
06-09-2013, 09:58 AM   #2
nogutsnoglory
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I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of your friend. It's really horrible that his family is not letting those involved in his life to know or be part of the grieving process. It's outrageous that his long term partner was given no rights and not only had his love ripped away from him but also all aspects of their relationship shred to pieces as if it never existed. Unfortunately Texas has no protections for gay couples. I think Illinois will pass marriage rights soon though.

As sick as it is that the parents are abusing the partner but why are they being cruel to their sons friends like you?

Stories like this occur too frequently and sadly there is little course of action because in the eyes of the law his husband is nothing more than a stranger.

I hope you can get in touch with the partner and grieve together since it sounds like there is no way the family wants anything to do with anyone.

BIG HUGS - we are here for you!
06-09-2013, 10:04 AM   #3
Beach bum
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Oh this is such a sad story and I really feel for you.
I have lost a friend and the process of grieving is difficult enough without having these hateful people to deal with. I just cannot begin to image how his partner must be feeling, to lose someone suddenly after such a long time together and then to have so little power over the situation now must be unbelievably devastating.
If there ever was a case which proved the need for equal marriages for all this is it.
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06-09-2013, 06:25 PM   #4
DustyKat
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I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your friend Ya noy and of the way his partner has been treated.

Words escape me as to how a family could treat others in such an appalling manner. Regardless of how one thinks and feels about something there comes a time when prejudices and selfishness need to be put aside. This was about their son, not them, and to then turn around and make his passing about their narrow mindedness is deplorable.

I hope as his friends you are able to now touch base with each other and both commiserate his passing and celebrate his life. My thoughts are with you.

Dusty. xxx
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06-09-2013, 08:57 PM   #5
CrohnsChicago
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It blows my mind when I hear stories like this (and this isn't the first time I've heard it). I am SO sorry for the loss of your dear friend Ya noy. And I am terribly sorry that his partner has had his world ripped from him like that. I am at a loss for words. I just can't believe how cruel people can be and that this family took their ignorance and hatred this far especially during a time when everyone should be celebrating the life of your friend.

My heart goes out to you, your friends partner and all of their friends and family who were shut out by his family. You all deserve to find some peace and I hope that you are able to do so as time passes.
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06-11-2013, 12:09 PM   #6
Ya noy
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Thanks to everyone here who has expressed their condolences. I really appreciate it.

As sick as it is that the parents are abusing the partner but why are they being cruel to their sons friends like you?
He wasn't just my friend. He was also an accountant with his own business, but worked with me on a consulting basis for almost 10 years. I had called him the other day to see if he'd be interested in helping me draft a business plan for a client, only to learn he had passed away. The only reason I hadn't talked to him for a couple of months was because he always took at least a month or two off, right after tax season--for some "alone time" with his partner, and I didn't want to get in the way of that.

I just can't believe how cruel people can be and that this family took their ignorance and hatred this far especially during a time when everyone should be celebrating the life of your friend.
There was a lot about his life they should have been celebrating. He accomplished a lot of wonderful things--that his family should have been proud to learn about.

For example, he donated his time and talents to a local charity that provided horse rides and bonding for handicapped children, performing not only their monthly bookkeeping, but obtaining grants and organizing fund raisers.

He literally worked day and night to help me prevent the hostile corporate takeover of a Christian organization, which owned and operated a copper mine in a 3rd world country as part of their ministry. We only had 6 days before the shareholder meeting, during which time we had to input literally tens of thousand of financial transactions to complete all the bank reconciliations, and prepare and present 7 years of financials to persuade enough of the shareholders that the mine was worth retaining, in order to obtain a majority vote. And we did. Subsequently, the price of metals has gone way up, and the mine has become very profitable, enabling the organization to continue their work.

When I first brought him with me to that organization, he was somewhat concerned that they might have have a problem, because he was more than a little flamboyant. But I told him that if they had a problem with him, that I would have a problem with them. I was never worried about that happening though because I brought him with me to the most conservative clients imaginable, and he impressed them all. As difficult as it may be to believe that an accountant's work could be amazing, his always was. Of course they loved him. He's a lot more comforting and better at reassuring clients than I am, and my clients have always liked him better than they like me.

I can't even begin to understand why his family seems to be the only ones who were unable to accept him, or his partner. They were great together, and undoubtably shared a happier marriage than most people.

Don't understand any of it. Right now, I'm just missing my friend.

Last edited by Ya noy; 06-11-2013 at 02:02 PM.
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