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03-15-2009, 02:44 PM   #1
confused
 
my boyfriend with crohn's low sex drive?

Hello Everyone,

I really need some help.


My boyfriend was diagnosed with crones back in November and had to have a pretty serious operation removing part of his intestine and ended up being in hospital for almost a month. After the op things were ok between us sexually although he started to shy away from physical contact which was affectionate such as cuddling. He has now resumed the cuddling but informed me this morning that he no longer has the sex drive he had before being diagnosed and as such I need to learn to deal with his low libido. I am trying to be understanding but we have a long distance relationship so it’s not like we have sex all the time. so its kind of frustrating that I may be faced with having sex even less

I can find lots of info about women’s sexual problems and crones but not much info about men. I’d really like to hear from men or other girlfriends who might be able to offer me some advice as I really love him but this is eating me up.

03-15-2009, 11:32 PM   #2
drew_wymore
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Hi Confused,
First welcome to the Forums, you'll find many helpful and supportive folks here.

I'm sorry your boyfriend and you are having to deal with Crohns. I would say that none of would wish this disease on our worst enemies.

As far as libido goes. I can say that I'm like your boyfriend, almost non-existent sex drive even before I was diagnosed. There might be a couple reasons for this.

1) If he's been treated with Prednisone it can mess with testoterone levels causing them to be low, he may want to get that checked out.

2) He may be uncomfortable with the scars from surgery, depending on what type he had, meaning was he cut wide open or was it laprascopic? Or perhaps he's still having bowel issues, that certainly could make anyone self conscious while being intimate.

3) When your body is forced to fight an infection or disease it is focused on the task at hand and other things that normally would be on ones mind go out the window. The best analogy is, would you really want to have sex while you had the flu or a cold? Probably not. Now his body is recovering from the surgery and if he's still battling to get into remission then his body is still battling the inflammation that is the root cause.

I would try and just talk to him about it, be open and frank and honest and make sure he understands that you're supportive of him. If it is a matter of performance that he's concerned about then there are things out there such as Viagra that can help him out, it was tough for me to talk to my doctor about it but once I did things did get better in my intimate relationships with a little bit of help.
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03-16-2009, 12:03 AM   #3
mRae85
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Hello and

I think Drew gave you the best advise here, I'm guessing a guys point of view would be better here, but I could also add that it could be somewhat depression related or just emotional in general. Maybe not to the point of needing prozac or a fancy white coat Dr to talk to, but I for one got really upset to begin with and I still have some emotional hurdles to jump everyday. Sometimes when you are thinking more about the sickness than the other things going on around you, it is hard to stop thinking about it, and even when you are in a good mood, it is never too far from your thoughts. Guys for the most part don't like to open up about emotions for the most part and he could just be trying to organize his thoughts on it. Even as a woman it took me a long time to come to grips with it and I still have a hard time talking about half of what is going through my mind, like Drew just said , we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy! I hope things get better for you, just wanted to mention the emotional scars he could also be dealing with.
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03-16-2009, 10:11 AM   #4
Mark33180
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Well since you are looking for a guys point of view i guess i'll chime in, I can understand how your bf feels because i have been there before. I am not sure if it was the meds or what but i went from having a high sex drive to almost non existant one. It could be that he is having light flares like i was and it just makes you not want to do anything like that, fear of having an accident or something while in the moment kinda kills the sex drive, makes you feel less of a man, there can be several things that contribute to it. I had a gf for several years that i still had trouble talking to about crohns and she had been through it all with me knew what the troubles were even still it was tough to be close with each other some times. If you have any other questions feel free to ask.
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03-16-2009, 11:43 AM   #5
DanM
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Is his Crohn's still pretty active and still in some pain and discomfort?

I would not be surprised if he was just simply drained from the effects of Crohn's. As Drew mentioned, would you want to have sex when you have a nasty flu? The fact that he is cuddling with you is a sure sign that he not only cares, but also needs your support through this. Just give him time to recoup and maybe an occasional peep show to keep his spirits up.

I hope he feels better

Dan
03-16-2009, 01:02 PM   #6
Kittee
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I can tell you from a girls point of view that I know how your BF feels. I think Crohns just does something to us that makes not in the mood often. I feel guilty about it because of my husband too.
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03-17-2009, 01:42 PM   #7
daisy_dueller
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I'm with Kittee...my sex drive is not non-existent...but it is definitely lower than it was about 10 years ago!!! My poor husband...I keep telling him that it has nothing to do with him...and I feel bad, because I keep trying to put sex off...I am just not in the mood sometimes!! And when I am in the mood...he's usually not. Figures...haha.
03-17-2009, 02:24 PM   #8
~TN~
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Open relationship maybe?

My wife has a low libido but it swings back & forth & let me tell you....it is hard (no pun intended) to deal with. I want sex more than once a month.

When you have sex it releases chemicals in your brain & in that respect can make your relationship stronger & it can increase your closeness. There is no way to be closer to someone than to have intercourse.

But everyone is different...so to each his own.
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03-17-2009, 06:29 PM   #9
teeny5
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When I feel totally crappy I am not into sex for sure. I feel gross and the last thing I want to do is get naked! Is he stressed about his diagnosis? I know if my husband is stressed his sex drive dips for sure.
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03-18-2009, 08:28 AM   #10
Kittee
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TN- No offense but at least speaking from my traditional back ground (and being married) an "open relationship" wouldn't exactly be ideal.

Would you want your GF to go and "explore" other options because you were sick and not in the mood? I mean perhaps it's because I'm older and sex doesn't really rank on my priority list anymore but there is always other means of getting satisfaction that seeking it outside your relationship. To each his own tho...
03-18-2009, 12:46 PM   #11
~TN~
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Kittee said:
TN- No offense but at least speaking from my traditional back ground (and being married) an "open relationship" wouldn't exactly be ideal.

Would you want your GF to go and "explore" other options because you were sick and not in the mood? I mean perhaps it's because I'm older and sex doesn't really rank on my priority list anymore but there is always other means of getting satisfaction that seeking it outside your relationship. To each his own tho...

It was just a suggestion.

I am not in an open relationship & frankly think sex with anyone but my wife would be gross (people in general gross me out...i have issues, i know ).

You shouldn't expect everyone to share the same point of view as you. For all we know Confused may be very progressive & open minded.
03-18-2009, 02:52 PM   #12
~TN~
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Kittee said:
TN- No offense but at least speaking from my traditional back ground (and being married) an "open relationship" wouldn't exactly be ideal.
BTW- I like the artwork on your blog. You are very creative.
03-18-2009, 03:49 PM   #13
Kittee
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Thanks and no problem. I'm just very old fashioned.

To the blog- I wish I could take credit. I only picked it out.
03-20-2009, 05:59 PM   #14
bigtruck
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When you take on a partner you have to be big enough to take on there problems crohn,s or otherwise,when it comes to sex if your not in the mood it cant be helped, in saying that it makes me forget my fistula pain! my poor wife has alot to put up with lol
03-25-2009, 07:48 PM   #15
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Here is another guy's point of view...

Leave him alone and give hims some space. I guarantee that he already feels guilty about not being able to satisfy your needs. By talking to him openly about it you are risking making him feel even worse. Just imagine the pressure he is under:
1. His body seems defective
2. He is dealing with the fact that Crohn's does not have a cure
3. He is tired, since nothing drains you out quite like a flare
4. He is under a tremendous amount of stress (libido killer)

Don't make him feel worse than he may already be. Instead, just be there for him, and assure him that dealing with this disease and all of its consequences is something you are willing to do with him.

Personally, I feel bad for my wife for having to deal with me. Perhaps he feels the same way.

Just my $0.02.

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02-18-2010, 04:05 AM   #16
girl5000
 
Wow I could not have more in common with the first poster. I too, am in a long distance relationship and have my boyfriend with Crohn's. We've dated for over 4 years now but over there 3 of those years he's been in remission so the crohn's is still new to me.

I understand your frustration with your partner, but I think the main thing is to realize that he needs someone understanding. My boyfriend is not the outgoing type, and I think it's because of his crohns. He had it as a child and was in remission for over 12 years and now it has come back.

I don't understand what he is going through and he doesn't tell me much about it or how he is feeling as the few times where I have been around during one of his attacks he told me I was too mothery and therefore he will not open up to me. I don't know what to do because I just care for him, I try to not be overbearing but I just feel so bad for the guy.

What'd bugging me most is his reluctance to open up to me; we've been together for 4 years and all of a sudden he's closing me out. And long-distance is hard enough as it is; talking and communication is all that you have in times apart, and when one partner doesn't feel like communication, the other feels helpless. It's tough. Any recommendations?

He's always had a low libido since the beginning of our dating, well..not low but not high either, he's great. I know he is under a great deal of stress. The resection surgery (for him) is in the next 10 weeks or so. Have any of you had that? I am so sared for him and I know he is worried too. What can we expect for that?

Thanks.
02-18-2010, 04:50 AM   #17
Rob
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Yea wen your having a flare sex cam be the last thing on your mind

unfortunatly I can't suggest how too increase his libido cos if I knew I'd fix mine lol

sorry u hav too go thru all of this
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02-18-2010, 09:49 AM   #18
Nyx
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Not being a man, I can't relate any information from that point of view. I can, however, tell you my story in regards to libido.

I just recently had surgery, split open from just above my pubic hair to about an inch above my belly button. I also now have a colostomy bag. Let me tell you, these two things do not make you feel sexy!! For me, it's been a weird trade off...I used to look great but feel crappy and not want to have sex...and now I feel great but look crappy and don't want to have sex. It's hard to let down your defenses enough to show your scars to your partner. It always goes through my head "is he going to be grossed out", "is my bag distracting", "omg if I fart I'm going to die". It might be different for men, but keep in mind that he may be thinking of these things, which is very stressful and may be contributing to a flare. And of course, when you're flaring, you feel sick....sex when you're sick is not high on the priority list.

Reassure him that you love him but don't press him for sex. I think that may just push him away (not knowing him, I could be wrong here).

Good luck, I hope you both start feeling better soon
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02-18-2010, 11:32 AM   #19
Rob
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Could be that he also worried that half way through he may need too bolt for the toilet

weighs on back my mind, not somethin you really want happening a real mood killer
02-18-2010, 01:23 PM   #20
tamesis
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We're not in the lounge, so i hope this is still appropriate.....If not, i can delete.

Anyways, I don't have the male perspective, but can totally relate with your boyfriend. I still love to be cuddled, it makes me feel safe and content, but have very little desire for sex. And we are newlyweds, so it seems there is that much more expectation. It has been really hard for us, as he has a pretty high drive, but we're slowly working on it. We find other ways....he is content to pleasure himself while looking at me, and while it makes me feel a little playboy-ish, it makes him happy and i don't have to do anything. sounds awful, but as others have said, when you feel like crap 24/7, sex is the last thing from your mind. Anyways, what i'm trying to get at, what about other ways? could you guys watch a video together and mutual self-pleasure? do you have any toys? Maybe he could use them on you?
02-18-2010, 01:48 PM   #21
CrohnsHobo
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When I am not flaring I am OK, but in a flare I have zero interest. Last year was a flare and I really had no interest in sex. I am now feeling better, but still have not regained my libido. I don't know if it is the Pred/Humira/Metho combo, but I just want to sleep.lol

I see my GP in April and I plan on asking her what I can do. MY GF is very understanding and knows all these meds wreck havoc on me, but I would like to get back to my normal libido for my own sanity.
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02-18-2010, 07:30 PM   #22
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wow this thread was a bit of a sigh of relief for me! I'm not a man, so I can't offer adivce in that manner, however since I've been sick, libido is so low I'm pretty sure I'm in the negative...Is there such thing as anti-libido? haha...she laughs a sort of sad laugh. I think the boy is hoping someday he'll get his old girl back and goodness am I hoping that too! I guess I can just offer that you're certainly not alone! I am sure my boyfriend would have many moments of frustration to share with you about going without...to keep from getting too descriptive, we've worked out a trade system because I will do just about anything for a good back rub
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02-18-2010, 08:51 PM   #23
Nyx
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RachLG said:
wow this thread was a bit of a sigh of relief for me! I'm not a man, so I can't offer adivce in that manner, however since I've been sick, libido is so low I'm pretty sure I'm in the negative...Is there such thing as anti-libido? haha...she laughs a sort of sad laugh. I think the boy is hoping someday he'll get his old girl back and goodness am I hoping that too! I guess I can just offer that you're certainly not alone! I am sure my boyfriend would have many moments of frustration to share with you about going without...to keep from getting too descriptive, we've worked out a trade system because I will do just about anything for a good back rub

I'm with you on the back rub girl!!! *wishes her boy wasn't 3000km away right now, cuz asking your mom for a back rub is just wrong* lol
02-18-2010, 09:58 PM   #24
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daisy_dueller said:
I'm with Kittee...my sex drive is not non-existent...but it is definitely lower than it was about 10 years ago!!! My poor husband...I keep telling him that it has nothing to do with him...and I feel bad, because I keep trying to put sex off...I am just not in the mood sometimes!! And when I am in the mood...he's usually not. Figures...haha.
Ha..ha.. Daisy you sound exactly like me I seem to be in the mood when my hubby isn't... go figure!!

Confused - I think it just comes with Crohns like everyone else said would you seriously feel like it if you had the flu or cold or for that matter a stomach bug cause thats how it is for us... feeling like crap comes with this disease and sometimes by the time we fight our way thru the day the last thing on our mind is sex. But I realise it is an important part of a relationship so you need to stay open with the communication lines and hopefully once your boyfriend is feeling better he will be more open to sex.
02-19-2010, 12:18 AM   #25
Rob
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I guess there's only one advantage of vein single an that's when ya flaring an not in the mood you don't hav anyone too dissapoint
01-05-2011, 05:38 PM   #26
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Try being in a relationship with someone you live with and not having any for 2 years at all, so frustrating.
01-06-2011, 11:08 PM   #27
bry33
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i think crohn's does something to your body to just have a low sex drive i have never had one and i haven't had a flare in three years and my boyfriend gets frustrated that he always has to initiate it its good that you brought this up because i don't think many of us would think that its related to crohn's or at least i wouldn't have
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01-07-2011, 12:01 AM   #28
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As other people have stated I think its the fatigue, emotional, self conscious, side effects that affect the drive.
01-09-2011, 04:52 PM   #29
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All I can suggest (from a woman's standpoint who also deals with low sex drive in hubby) is try giving him a foot rub, or rub his back, massage/scratch his neck back or the top if his hair. What man doesn't love having his head scratched?! lol Or start trying to get some self confidence back by hoping in the tub or shower with him and do all the work (wash his hair etc.) While this may spark a sexual moment (BONUS) it may help him feel a bit better about himself, help him relax which is good anyhow, and/or it may help both of you feel closer to eachother. I know sex helps make you feel close, but if it's not going to happen find other ways to be close, and sometimes that really will just do. Learn to live with periods of time of low libido by finding other ways to be close will help him trust your love for him, help alleviate stress for both and make your relationship much stronger/better for it.

p.s hubby suggested that you cook for him wearing only an apron as this shows him there is no need to be shy or self concious, he says it may or may not "perk" him up but he will still think you are so awesome for doing it! "Trust me, he'll like it!" -Hubby
lol

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01-19-2011, 03:51 AM   #30
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I know all has been said but I'll add to the pile, my sex drive is much lower when I am flaring up. I'm a male in my twenties, and these are the years I'm supposed to feel invincible. Nothing gives my ego a harder kick in the teeth like having to go to the ER, get colonoscopies, take a shit ton of medication, and be unable to do things like draw or go to the gym cause I'm in too much pain. It definitely lowers my sex drive on a mental and physical level. when my intestines are hurting the last thing I want to do is bump them violently(or even softly, if you're more the gentle lover) against something else. The pain makes the raw mechanics of sex completely undesirable, even if I am horny.

Of course, my girlfriend has a much higher drive than I, even when I am at full swagger. It's something we've discussed and have an understanding of. If it becomes more of a problem for her in the future I've said I'm willing to investigate solutions and we've left it at that for now.

Good luck with it, and the long distance. That alone is really stressful. I've done it twice and that was enough for me..
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