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12-01-2013, 08:23 PM   #1
Dev
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
New here but glad To find you.

Hi there.
My friends call me Dev. I kinda stumbled across these forums by accident but after reading a few of the posts I am glad I did. It's a bit of (??) a relief or comfort I guess to hear some of your thoughts. To know that I'm not the only one who thinks about this or feels this way sometimes.

I used to be in the military and had a great career track. Then in 2007 I got sick and was eventually diagnose with Crohn's. My case has been fairly severe, resulting in me being medically released and I'm now on LTD. I've been through: Imuran (bad reaction), Humira (developed tolerance), and now Remicade (for the past 3 years). I also get debilitating joint pain fairly often. In late 2009 / early 2010 I went through a period of developing abscesses which required surgery, and sadly has left my downstairs somewhat scarred. That's probably enough sharing to start.

Anyway, I wasn't settled down when I got sick. The same questions have been bothering me for a long time. "Will I be able to have anal sex again", "will any guy want to", "what if I get to the point of an ostomy", am I doomed to be alone forever.

I realize you guys may not have all (or any) of the answers. I suppose it might just be nice to talk to someone who understands how it feels to have a bad morning and have to go to the bathroom every 45 mins. Or to have such pain in your knees and hands that you just spend the day alternating between a hot soak and the couch. To not see that "surely it's not that bad" look in someone's eye. Lol don't get me wrong my friends are great, supportive and very understanding. I just find it hard to talk about the relationship / sex things.
12-02-2013, 02:05 PM   #2
nogutsnoglory
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Location: New York

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Dev welcome to our forum and to our little sub-group here. You are definitely not alone! While we are a minority among a minority, there are many LGBT identified people who have crohn's or colitis and several frequent the forums.

I also have severe crohn's and I'm gay and while my crohn's was always limited to part of my colon and mainly was active in my small intestine, it decided to take a hold of my anal region and caused abscesses and fistulas resulting in multiple medications, surgeries and ultimately what I am a praying is a temporary ostomy.

I have many of the same questions you do. My last serious relationship was before I got very sick and he was okay with my ups and downs but I was fully functioning and not the wreck that I have been lately. I question whether I can have anal sex, whether a guy can accept my ostomy, and whether or not someone can deal with the fact that some days I just don't want to leave the couch and other times I need to cancel plans last minute.

I'd like to think I will find someone who is above that and sees me for who I am and hopefully someone who will see the good in you and fall in love with that in spite of your disease. Many of the gay people here are in long term relationships and there are also many straight people who have found partners and discuss their struggles in the partners section.

We are very open here, don't be shy to talk about anything that is on your mind. Keep in mind crohn's forces us to face the poop, blood, mucus and tears and all the gross or socially unacceptable things people avoid.
12-05-2013, 09:50 AM   #3
Dev
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Thank you for the welcoming words NGNG. I hope that abbrev. is alright, I've seen a few others use it. I'm going to be fine with all the "gross talk". When I first developed Crohn's I was pretty shy about it and didn't want to talk about it much or even admit there was something wrong with my pooper. I remember when I first became symptomatic I went to my doctor head hung low, thinking I had either caught some STD or had somehow done something wrong during sex and hurt myself. after my first couple fistulas I felt so gross and dirty. I didn't even want anyone to know that was happening to me in my "special place". Lol, Man that seems so long ago now it's like telling a fable from some distant time in a far off place.

Anyway for me it also came with a lot of emotional baggage. My PO (petty officer) at the time also had Crohn's which I initially thought was a blessing. However his case was very mild, only requiring taking one 5 ASA per day to maintain a normal lifestyle. So when my crohn's turned out to be different, more symptomatic, with worse flares and problems, I had a hard time understanding or relating to anyone.

I think that Crohn's can make you feel so very alone. At least that's how I found it sometimes, and it can be very daunting. I've remarked in the past that I wish I had gotten cancer instead. Don't misunderstand, I'm not implying in that cancer is not serious or painful or in any way easy to deal with. I say it because with cancer there is an end. Either you overcome and defeat the illness, or (sadly) perish. But either way it's over. For me Crohn's has been worse as it's forever. I "look down the road of my future" and there is no end in sight. I am never going to beat this or get over it. And while there is always the glimmer of hope it will go into remission, I try not to count on that but rather try to deal with my life as it is now.

Over the years I've experienced a lot of physical difficulties and pretty much every emotional state from a quirk to outright dilemmas and depression. I appreciate the support these forums are offering and will return it in kind. I won't shy away from any of the talk, and am more than willing to talk about any of the topics. Be it the "ucky physical's" to the "why is this happening to me, what do I do now's".
12-05-2013, 10:05 AM   #4
scottsma
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Location: Tynemouth, United Kingdom

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Just wanted to say welcome Dev.I'm not GLBT and cannot begin to understand what you're feeling right now.I hope all comes good for you in the future.Heartfelt best wishes sweetheart.
12-10-2013, 12:27 AM   #5
Dev
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Thanks Scottsma!

While some of the topics I'm sure to discuss are obviously going to be LGBT in nature, I am glad to meet everyone. After all we're all on this little rock together, and in these forums we're all here because of our conditions, the symptoms, and the affect it has on our lives. And for those who do have their health, at least they are making an effort to understand!

So thank you for the warm welcome and many returns
12-10-2013, 01:23 PM   #6
nogutsnoglory
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Location: New York

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NGNG is fine for my acronym but maybe this time of year I should be nognog lol.

I can relate to others having crohns and still being totally unaware of what I have gone through. Crohns lies on a spectrum from mild to wild in terms of how the disease can affect us.

I don't think your crohns needs to stand in the way of finding a partner. With the right treatment you may be able to correct your problems.

My take is currently I have an ostomy and its not sexy and I can't have anal sex but if someone loves me for me hopefully they can overlook that and we can still share intimacy in other ways. I have begun looking on dating sites again and broadened my pool of potential mates. Maybe if I can accept others faults they can accept mine. I'm not going to compromise on values and personality but maybe it's ok if I date a guy who isn't exactly my type who has a disability, may be overweight or whatever.
12-11-2013, 10:48 PM   #7
Dev
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Hiya NGNG.

I had to think a bit before replying. I don't know you very well yet, but I get the impression from your posts that you are of fairly sound character. It's reassuring to hear that you intend to hold to your values. I suppose my advice / hope for you is: try to stay honest, both with yourself and the person you date.

While I think it's great that you are willing to try new experiences or perhaps broaden your horizons, it also sounds like it can be a slippery slope. I certainly hope that you find your dance card filled up soon. I suppose I'm searching for a nice way to say "don't force yourself into a situation where you feel like you will settle just so someone will be with you." Those never end well, and so far you seem much to nice a person for that to happen to.

But I'm sure it's not your first time outta the gate and you'll make whatever choices you feel is best for you
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