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Crohn's Disease Forum » Pregnancy, Trying to Conceive & Breast Feeding with IBD » Feeling very depressed and often suacidle cant cope having a baby


03-16-2014, 08:56 AM   #1
NurseAdam
 
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Feeling very depressed and often suacidle cant cope having a baby

Hi everyone,

I don't know what to do, my wife really wants a child but I am not very keen on the idea. I have recently found out I have Fibro my IBD is poorly controlled at the best of times. My concern is I am not fit enough to look after a Child. I am not working at the moment, and I see a child as just increasing stress. I can barely look after myself let alone another person.

The other half I'm afraid is only looking at it through rose tinted spectacles, she seems to think its going to be plane sailing and we can survive on her wage alone.

I think its going to limit my quality of life even further and hers too plus I think its unfair to bring a child into a situation like that. Then I have her dropping nasty comments every 5 mins about so and so has a baby and they are fine. Im like so and so does not have a chronic relapsing illness.

Im struggling with depression now as well and the tension at home keeps brining suicidle thoughts into my head, I kind of wish they had let me die last august instead.

I have tried to discuss it numerous times but it just ends with her crying. My only solution i can come up with its time to end my relationship
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Diagnosed with UC and RA age 12 (1998). Was so poorly in August 2013 even my Dr thought I was going to die.

I am a qualified Adult Nurse, currently doing a Masters Degree to become an IBD Nurse Specialist.

I hold my Private Pilots Licence, since the CAA lifted IBD as a bar to Professional Flying I am saving for my Airline Licence. Flying has always been my passion. I nearly wet myself when the ban was lifted.

Last edited by NurseAdam; 03-16-2014 at 02:21 PM. Reason: Title change.
03-16-2014, 09:02 AM   #2
cherryblossoms
 
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First of all, definitely sort this all out before trying to conceive!! Your persoanl health concerns are validif you'd be the primary caregiver for the child, but not neccesarily total obstacles to having a child. The main obstacles right now would be your depression, thoughts of suicide, and being upset with your wife for feeling pressured into something as monumental as this. Find a counselor and work through all of this ASAP!!! Please Please!
03-16-2014, 09:11 AM   #3
Nancye50
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I absolutely agree that this warrants talking to someone objective to help you sort this through. Maybe agree to wait to make a decision until you've dealt with the fibro dx too.
03-16-2014, 09:49 AM   #4
CrohnsKidMom
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A child can enrich a healthy relationship, but it will never, never make a strained relationship better. Children are wonderful, but they are stressful, and your lives will be forever changed once you have one. Some will say there is no ideal time to have a child, but I think you will know when the time is right, and it is obviously not right for you now. Be gentle with your wife though, this is obviously a very emotional issue. I highly recommend counselling, if you cannot get a good dialogue going between the two of you without your wife breaking down in tears. There is hope though, and there is no harm in waiting if you are young (or "youngish" as my husband and I were when we had kids). I'm sure you can work it out if you are both willing to. Take care.
03-16-2014, 10:37 AM   #5
NurseAdam
 
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Thanks for the support, I do have my own Psychologist. I have suggested a few times she may find it helpful to see one.

I wish people understood how this disease affects more then just the bowel, it affects the very fabric of life.
03-17-2014, 04:09 AM   #6
Jennifer
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Couples counseling may also help a lot. It's not just you who has all these issues, these issues are affecting her too and since you can't seem to talk it through at home then having someone there with the both of you could help mend the relationship so she can support you while you're on the mend and then you guys can talk about raising a family. The sooner the better too because all the stress just keeps adding up and making things worse. Good luck!
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Diagnosis: Crohn's in 1991 at age 9
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Meds for CD: 6MP 50mg
Things I take: Tenormin 25mg (PVCs and Tachycardia), Junel, Tylenol 3, Omeprazole 20mg 2/day, Klonopin 1mg 2/day (anxiety), Restoril 15mg (insomnia), Claritin 20mg
Currently in: REMISSION Thought it was a flare but it's just scar tissue from my resection. Dealing with a stricture. Remission from my resection, 17 years and counting.
03-17-2014, 08:50 AM   #7
nogutsnoglory
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I hope that this doesn't end your relationship. I understand your stress over this but hopefully this horrible bout of illness is temporary and with the right treatment life can be normal again. You gotta keep your eye on the prize.

I too couldn't think of raising a kid right now. I can barely care for myself either. On the flip side though a kid can also be a reason to motivate yourself and you may find you get your mind off the depression because you will be busy and also you now have an adorable new addition whom you love and care for.
03-17-2014, 12:30 PM   #8
worriedboy
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Adam,

Your mind should be first and foremost be set on getting better; thats the most important thing right now, so you have more energy and strength to lead normal life (or close to normal).

Now, what would you say about having a child if you were in remission and felt reasonably OK ? Would you say yes then ?

If you are very positive about having a child, and you feel like the father inside of you just cant wait, then .... then maybe you should try the 180 degree approach ? If this is so - you and your partner are really on the same page. You could "close a deal" with her - you two will do your best in the next couple of month to bring you to better shape, then you will start working on having a baby, hoing it will be much easier on you by then.


However, if this is not just your medical consition, of its you not being completely ready for whatever reason... then why put it all into the same baket ?

Good luck whatever your decision is ! I wish you get well soon and so your relationship.
Yours,

Worriedbiy
03-17-2014, 01:02 PM   #9
NurseAdam
 
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Thanks for the support, I will try to have a talk and make those suggestions. Its funny she doesn't seem to get the disease, with me being an IBD Nurse you would think she would understand. Hmmmmm I guess if you don't have the disease its impossible to understand.
03-17-2014, 01:59 PM   #10
nogutsnoglory
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You're welcome.
03-17-2014, 02:05 PM   #11
worriedboy
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I agree. Not only this, some (most ? all ?) people tend to compare CD to a stomach bug, a flu, a cold, etc. Mostly they are not even close to understanding the complexity of CD; the way it can impact our days. But I learned to accept, at least to some level, that this is how the world works.
That's why I always say that if you got even 1 person on earth who is totally with you, understands you and stands by you, then it is like you won the lottery.

Sending positive vibes at you ... hope you get on your feet soon and help IBD patients at work (I guess you are the most understandable IBD nurse ever ?)
03-17-2014, 03:43 PM   #12
Patricia56
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Couples counseling is definitely called for. It sounds like this is a make it or break it issue for your wife. When you are depressed your brain is physically ill and that isn't a good time to draw conclusions about things like whether or not you want a child. You need help getting your wife to understand things from your point of view and that you are not well enough - physically and emotionally - to make this decision right now. A good couples counselor should be able to help with that.

In addition, you need to get more help for your depression. A psychologist is great but if you are contemplating suicide then you need to be seeing a psychiatrist for an evaluation to see if you need to be hospitalized or on medication. This is as important as taking meds for IBD. You are neglecting yourself if you don't do this in my opinion.
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Nothing I say here should be construed as medical advice. I am not a doctor. These are just my opinions.
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