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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender » Handling being gay with a J-pouch


05-03-2014, 11:16 PM   #1
versteeg
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Northern KY (Cincinnati area), Kentucky

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Handling being gay with a J-pouch

I am new to this group and first would like to say I did not realize my last name would be used as my UserName. My first name is Peter and I have been living with UC/CD for many years (I am now nearly 56 years old since May 8th is my birthday). I have a J-Pouch that was done back in 1992 when my doctor thought I had UC rather than CD. I am gay and was in an 18 year relationship that broke up two years ago. Though we had our differences, I must say he was very compassionate and caring about my IBD. However, in the last year before our breakup he did tell me that I could never give him sexually what he always wanted (anal sex), which upset me quite a bit at the time. However, in looking back, I believe he just added this to the list of reasons we should part ways. I lived in San Diego for the 18 years of our relationship and then moved to the Cincinnati / Northern KY area where my brother and his family live. The gay scene here certainly doesn't compare, but I have found people who are mostly friendly and helpful. I am a retired teacher who now works part time in airport customer service and loving it. I've dated, but find it difficult to even think about sharing the fact that I have Crohn's along with some of the symptoms that go along with having a J-Pouch (i.e. occasional nighttime leakage, etc.). I know that if I found the right person, he would understand, but as many of you know, it is not the type of conversation that is easily accomplished. How have some of you handled this? I wish I could find a gay man who also has IBD, a J-pouch, or an ostomy that truly understands what we go through on a daily basis for my next partner. I am thinking of joining the local support group, but my past experiences in these groups, is that gay men and women tend not to attend. Any suggestions? Match.com and Our Time.com has led me to date and meet other men, but has not led me to meet others who share our challenges and victories. Thanks for any thoughts you may have. Since I do fly for free, I am not limited to meeting someone only in the area I live. Happy weekend everyone! Peter
05-04-2014, 05:54 PM   #2
nogutsnoglory
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Location: New York

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Welcome to the forum Peter. I typed a long response but the app I used to reply on didn't want to send it. So I'm writing it again. I am sorry your relationship ended but I'm happy to hear that for the most part your partner was accepting of your crohns/colitis. It's a hard thing for us as patients but it takes a toll on our loved ones as well.

I would keep all options open for meeting someone new. Keep trying match, our time or other dating sites. I'm sure there are guys out there who can look past the inconveniences of our illness and appreciate you for who you are.

I'd also encourage you to goto http://CCFA.org support groups or http://UOAA.org support groups because you may find gay men there or those who know someone to connect you with. New friends are always a good thing too!

You can try the gay ostomy organization at http://glo-uoaa.org and call to see if they have resources in your area or can give you an lgbt person with an ostomy in your area to meet with and talk to. There is also http://ostodate.com which has gay men on it.

I also know this site https://gaydigest.wordpress.com has a lot of good Info written by a gay guy with a J-pouch and http://J-pouch.org men's section has a few posts by gay men with one.

I totally understand your fear and frustration dealing with a J-pouch as a gay man. I'm gay with an ostomy and if you see earlier posts of mine in this lgbt section I was anything but happy about it. It takes a toll on our dating, sex lives and body image and self esteem.
05-06-2014, 09:13 AM   #3
Orchid
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Springfield, Oregon

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I'm sorry you lost such an important relationship to your illness, but even it has the illusion of being something great that issue dividing you can keep you from being truly close. So while on the one hand you lost an important source of support, you can find someone who is a better fit for you now.
05-11-2014, 04:18 PM   #4
theOcean
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I'm sorry to hear that your IBD contributed to the end of your previous relationship. It's a difficult thing to deal with for those that are unfamiliar with this disease, and you can only hope to either find someone who is patient and understanding or find someone who has experience with it themselves. I've been fortunate enough with my own SO.

nogutsnoglory has provided you with some pretty helpful links, and I can only hope you've looked through them and had some success.

I also think that it would be a good idea to still try and look for support groups, as well. It's unfortunate that at past ones you've attended, LGBT members haven't made a habit of going, but that may always change depending on the individual. And at the very least, you may find other people to talk about regarding relationships, as well.

Good luck.
__________________
Diagnosis: Fistulizing Crohn's, 2011 (originally Dx as Ulcerative Pancolitis)
Past Medication: Pentasa, Remicade, Prednisone, Imuran
Current Medication: Humira (biweekly), 100mg 6mp
Unrelated Medication: 36mg Concerta, 75mg Pregabalin
Currently: In remission!
06-27-2014, 08:23 PM   #5
maria
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Hi! I was just directed to this thread for something I posted about being intimate with jpouch. I just read your thread and truly sorry for your ex being like that. I was told by my ex that no one wants someone with a shit bag, that i'm now useless, and tons of other names...
Its been over two yrs for me being intimate with anyone because I don't want to mess anything up... Just think things happen for a reason and there's something/someone better out there for us.. If you want to talk about anything I'm here for you if you need
__________________
Ileostomy from UC but doctors are now thinking crohns. Since Feb 14, 2011


I want to find a friend here in vancouver, washington with a stoma... I feel lonely.
Trying to stay gluten free.
06-05-2016, 05:42 PM   #6
Bennitolokito
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: California
Hey guys I am writing a blog about being gay with a JPouch. In the past I have also had an ostomy bag. I talk about my journey, sex experiences and what not. I consider myself vers but am trying to ease my way into bottoming as I have heard from others that it is possible. Of course while being safe. Anyways maybe some of you want to check it out! Here is a link https://mygayibdlife.com
06-07-2016, 04:53 PM   #7
nogutsnoglory
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Location: New York

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Thanks so much for sharing the link to your blog. Ill look guard to reading how you created or are creating your new reality in relationships. I'll add your link to our resources.
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