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Crohn's Disease Forum » Your Story » New here- Due to my Crohn's I feel that I should break up with my boyfriend


04-04-2015, 11:11 PM   #1
anubismau
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
New here- Due to my Crohn's I feel that I should break up with my boyfriend

Hi Everyone,

I was just seeking some advice on what to do about my current situation. I met my boyfriend of almost three years when I was at my healthiest (healthiest meaning I had just had a resection of my small bowel and I was healthy and symptom free). We love each other and have talked about marriage (we are both in our twenties, graduating college). At the time, he did not know of my disease and the terrible pain, both emotional and physical, I had went through for 4 years before the resection. He now knows that I have Crohn's but still does not know how horrible this disease can actually get/be.... My symptoms are coming back and I am so scared for myself because I do not want to go through this again, and I feel so bad that he has no idea what he is getting himself into by being with me since the symptoms can definitely become worse. I have it in my head that if the symptoms do get even worse, that I should break up with him because I could not stand the thought of making him become my caretaker more than my lover. Plus, I would rather be the one to break it off rather than him saying my disease was too much for him to handle. Nor do I want him to stay with me out of pity.
Any advice? Am I irrational for thinking this and planning on breaking up with him? Lately I have been so withdrawn from him and my friends because the prospect of this flare makes me so sad and I feel hopeless.

Thank you
04-04-2015, 11:21 PM   #2
Catherine
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Welcome to forum

Please make an appointment with your GI.
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Mother of Sarah dx aged 16, Jan 2012
DX - CD 1/12, asthma
Small bowel to small bowel fistula

Meds: ), azathioprine 200mg, Mesalazine 1.2g x 2, seretide 250 x 2 (asthma), ventolin (as needed)

Currently no supplements.

Has previously taken Multi B, Caltrate, B12 & Iron

Prednisolone (from 30 mg 01/02/2012 to 17/06/2012, 30mg 24/10/12-28/12/12, 50mg 24/1/13-27/4/13)
04-05-2015, 01:15 AM   #3
Jennifer
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Hi and welcome to the forum!

What's your current treatment? Are you on any medication? With proper treatment it is possible to live a fairly normal life.

As for your relationship, personally I would give him a chance to understand your situation better. He could even check out the forum himself and ask questions. We do have a section for friends and family members. I can understand not wanting him to become your caregiver but everyone deals with hardships in their relationship and Crohn's can go into remission. Before deciding to break it off, do your best to talk about your concerns with him and give him the chance to give his opinion.
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Diagnosis: Crohn's in 1991 at age 9
Surgeries: 1 Small Bowel Resection in 1999; Central IV in 1991-92
Meds for CD: 6MP 50mg
Things I take: Tenormin 25mg (PVCs and Tachycardia), Junel, Tylenol 3, Omeprazole 20mg 2/day, Klonopin 1mg 2/day (anxiety), Restoril 15mg (insomnia), Claritin 20mg
Currently in: REMISSION Thought it was a flare but it's just scar tissue from my resection. Dealing with a stricture. Remission from my resection, 17 years and counting.
04-05-2015, 05:18 AM   #4
smt
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It is an interesting and important question. Besides medical science, it brings into consideration areas such as ethics, strategy, and realities of daily life, and all these are interrelated.
No one can foretell the future, but a forecast can be made. That forecast is not necessarily correct, but is a "fair guess" based on the past, and typically made by experts.
As Catherine has suggested, an opinion from the GI, and if possible from a second one, is prudent. During the consultation, it is desirable that your boyfriend is present. He needs to know clearly what he is dealing with. Then he has to take a decision. Again, that decision would be the "best" under the circumstances, but not with retrospective knowledge.
It can well turn out to be a very lasting and happy companionship. Many people, as I understand, lead fairly normal lives with CD.
IMHO, this is the best strategy under the circumstances.
I wish you and your boyfriend the very best.
Regards
04-05-2015, 08:46 AM   #5
worriedboy
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Hi,

I am sorry to hear that you are flaring and I hope that you gain control over it soon. As Lready said see your GI ASAP. It is the most important thing right now.

As for your SO, it's really complicated and simple at the same time.
In the past I used to think that I am not built to manage a realationship and that once things get nasty things will break down by themselves and I will just have to deal with it.

I think I was wrong.

It depends on so many parameters. I have read some increadible stories here on the forum, of crohnies that went through very difficult times and still their partners stood by their side.
I also was surprised (in a good way) from my SO.

I can tell you that the most dumb thing I used to do is choke it up and hide things from my SO (and from all other people I know, actually).
My best suggestion would be to make him part of that; just as expected from a real relationship your boyfriend would you to expose everything to him.
If not, than you will have to be ready for a bruital breakup (he cold get cold feet and run away). But if he stays, you can wina brave connection between you.


Good luck and feel well again soon.
04-05-2015, 09:21 AM   #6
Crohns08
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I don't think it's fair to make that kind of decision without your boyfriend. I was healthy for three years when I met my husband. We dated a short time and I became pregnant on accident. This made me flare up and about a week and a half before Christmas I was hospitalized for a crohn's flare where he saw everything for the first time. He stayed right by my side and told me that even though he was scared for me that he wasn't leaving. Our situations are different, but I think you should let your boyfriend in and be part of the decision. Let him know what he's getting into. I've never felt so loved before and my husband and my unborn son are my strength to keep fighting and pushing on.
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04-07-2015, 02:28 AM   #7
Silvrback
 
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I am currently 28/m . 4 years ago I was with my then girlfriend of three years at the time before I got diagnosed. the Crohns wasn't so bad then, so it wasn't a real issue then she got diagnosed with a condition that caused her to have two serious brain surgeries that kept her in the hospital for up to 6 weeks at a time. Then afterwards my crohns got real bad, I lost 70 pounds had a perforated small bowel got a resection and 3 fistulas. She stuck by my side the whole time like I did for her, she could have left but she didn't we both felt our health issues made us stronger than any couple we knew. I proposed to her shortly after I got out of the hospital. If she/he is willing to stay even after the worst they are a keeper. Now I have been married since August. 6 weeks ago I had an ileostomy performed and my recovery has been plagued with small bouts of depression here and there about life with a stoma so i had similar feelings like how you felt, and I told her that if she wanted to leave me, now would be the time and I wouldn't fault her for it. She just simply told me that she would never leave my side and to shut up.
04-07-2015, 10:56 AM   #8
mikeymac
 
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Let love be stronger then any disease. Hopefully you truly love each other.
04-08-2015, 09:37 PM   #9
Lisat
 
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So sad but I completely understand why you feel that way. Since he does know what you have, I would try to have the most honest discussion you can with him. Of course you don't want him to feel sorry for you, but love and compassion are good things
When I'm dating someone for a while, I've told him what I have but very general statement and I don't talk about it. I've even asked one not to research it because everyone is so different. I try to keep it light and say I'm grateful because I don't have cancer or anything terminal.

Now I'm in a difficult situation. Remicade stopped working and been fighting for cimzia. I'm forced to try humira, which I will start next week. In the meantime I'm not well. This man I've dated for a short time is very nice but his mom had rectal cancer. She had a clear colonoscopy and months later found bad cancer so surgery and ostomy bag. How can I explain that I have crohns with horrific bleeding for some time, but I'm sure I don't have cancer, so no worries??
04-12-2015, 10:17 PM   #10
Daniel M.
 
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I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!

I felt the same with my girlfriend. Ive been with her for 4 years and she was very supportive and I told her everything....i mean EVERYTHING. If your worried this guy isnt going to accept you because of a medical condition then youre honestly better off. Just tell him everything because its going to be much harder to keep it a secret. When I told my girlfriend I gave her a brief idea of what it is and not too much detail. Since I hate talking about the nasty details I gave her some websites where she could learn about it and told her if she had any questions to ask me. Thats what happened and when I knew she was fine with it, I felt totally free around her. You cant be with someone while feeling restricted because Crohns can become a big part of your life.
You shouldnt make the decision of whether he stays with you or not on his behalf. Hes a man and he can do that for himself. When I was in that position, I thought about it like this....how would I like it if someone told me to stop loving them because they felt like a burden on me? If I truely loved them I would do everything I could to prove them wrong. Thats what my girlfriend did for me. I pushed and pushed hard, but she absolutely refused to walk away. This is just another test that could make your relationship stronger.
04-18-2015, 06:55 PM   #11
Poached Pear
 
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Hi,
So maybe this story will help - just something to think about. So before I became a medical social worker, I was a nurse. About twenty five years ago, when treatment for malignant melanoma (bad skin cancer) was surgical only - there were no medicines or at least no effective medicines available, I took care of a man in his early twenties who had just come back from his honeymoon. He had had a mole removed right before he was married. When he arrived home, a message on his answering machine explained that he should call his doctor right away.

He had a surgery where he was admitted to the hospital. I knew that his cancer was below the lowest level of the skin (the dermis) and I knew that he would likely die. Within a few years at best. He was very young. His now wife thought that she had married a healthy man.

You don't really know what will happen to any of us. Your boyfriend needs to make this decision for himself. And ironically, as others have written about in this thread, you may be the one who takes care of him at some point. You may take care of him in sickness and you also may take care of him in other ways- helping him to manage his work situation, or helping him to interact with family in a way that is healthier for him- or helping him to take care of an aging parent. So much goes into a marriage. Ideally, you help each other.

I am really interested in "disclosure" from a social work perspective. Let us know what you decide and how you are doing with your decision.
You are more than your illness. You really are.
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