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Crohn's Disease Forum » General IBD Discussion » I'm in love with a man with crohns.


 
04-23-2006, 09:44 AM   #1
singlemom123
 
I'm in love with a man with crohns.

the guy that I have been seeing just confessed to me that he has crohns disease. I was not sure how to reacte at first. I was like getting hit by a bus. I really didn't know what to say, he even asked me if I still wanted him. I thought about it for a second and I just wanted to hug him. I could never leave just like that. he needed me just as much as i need him. so now I am doing everything in my power to help him. If it comes down to it, I would give my life for him as he has so kindly devoted his to mine.

Last edited by singlemom123; 04-24-2006 at 12:13 AM.
04-23-2006, 09:49 AM   #2
cookey
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Hi singlemom, that's very sweet of you...to want to take care of him. You certainly sound like a wonderful woman. I'm sure he feels very lucky to have found and met someone that understands his illness. Good luck with your relationship, and learning about Crohns Disease.
04-23-2006, 10:22 AM   #3
jyarmo
 
Hey singlemom!

I agree, you do definetely sound like a wonderful woman! People who have Crohn's really need a great support system and it's great of you to "step up to the plate" and take that role with the guy you're in a relationship with!

I'm sure you will learn a lot and please ask any questions you may have
04-23-2006, 12:17 PM   #4
jyarmo
 
I think what singlemom was referring to when she wrote "I felt like I was hit by a bus" was the surprise she felt. Many people are able to put on a different face and act like they aren't suffering from Crohn's disease and perhaps singlemom had only seen this side of him before. She should be commended for taking to initiative to join a forum like this to learn more.

Futhermore, although you are currently independent in terms of dealing with your disease, there is nothing wrong with having a support system in place. Crohn's can be a very lonely, confusing and depressing disease. Having a strong support group can help you get through all of that easier, regardless of how strong a person you may be.
04-23-2006, 12:44 PM   #5
Jeff D.
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For any info that you may want you can go to ccfa.org it has alot of good information. Good luck to you and your boyfriend

Jeff
04-23-2006, 12:46 PM   #6
Ivy
 
Hi Joe,

You are absolutely right about a person with Crohn's is NOT a sympathy case, or should not be just loved/continued to be loved out of sympathy.

But I don't think this was the point singlemom was trying to make...

I thought at it for a second and I just wanted to hug him. I could never leave just like that.
I think what she meant by "He even asked me if I still wanted him" was that she couldn't believe he was even asking this question, all she wanted to do was hug him, and that she could never leave...

You are absolutely right in your statements though, if that was the case, but I think you misinterpreted what singlemom said...

In fact, I'm of the opinion that people with Crohn's are stronger that people who don't, because we are able to balance, school/work, family and this disease, and still keep it all together
04-23-2006, 01:09 PM   #7
jyarmo
 
Your right, J.C... I've definetely wanted to tell people "I'm a person, not a disease!" before. I think we can even see that by comparing each other's experiences that even though we all suffer from Crohn's disease, we all have different experiences with the disease (and are obviously completely different people!)
04-23-2006, 01:09 PM   #8
kc0eks
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Welcome Singlemom I admire your desire to learn about this disease, I think it will enable you to understand him and the rest of us with crohns a bit better.

Joe, I can see where you are coming from too, believe me. But I can also see how someone finding out someone they love has a disease, would be similar to being hit by a bus emotionally...with worry, concern, etc.

Just my thoughts..

Last edited by kc0eks; 04-23-2006 at 01:27 PM.
04-23-2006, 02:26 PM   #9
ReeRee
 
Ok, I understand where J.C. is coming from. I hate being coddled to and I hate forced sympathy even more. I'm a person with an illness, not unlike people with allergies. I don't like being treated differently either.

But....and there's always a 'but'....I don't think singlemom was or is doing any of those things. I've had more people run out on me without even trying to understand the illness. Worse, I've had people abuse me because of the illness.

Singlemom, stand by your man honey. I think the reason he asked you if you still wanted him is because it's very very hard to watch the person you love suffer from pain and things you can't help with. He wants to spare you that pain. That's all. Sounds like you've got a very sensitve man there and I think he cares alot about you and your feelings. I think it's wonderful that you're not afraid to embark on this journey with him. That's exactly what it is too, a journey. There will be smooth roads and rough bumpy potholed roads, so tighted your seatbelt. The very fact that you've come here to learn all you can about Crohn's tells me you're both off to a very good start! Congratulations! If you should ever need to talk, I'm here for ya.

You too J.C.
04-23-2006, 02:36 PM   #10
Sparrow
 
Thanks for that post, its nice to know what the other side thinks when you do tell them and this is coming from a single female with CD who's dating.
It's great that you are so supportive and there for this man, I'm not so sure others would be as accepting when told about this disease
04-23-2006, 03:11 PM   #11
ReeRee
 
I've felt rejection, I've felt alone, I've been looked at differentely. But I realize now that I am grateful to this disease that I found out who really deserves to be in my company and who is only there for their own self gain.
You are SO right about that! It took me a very long time to learn that, but once I did, I am a much happier person because of it.

Wouldn't you consider that the same in any relationship? I understand finding out a loved one suffers from a disease can be a blow, but I also think it should be considred as just another "bump" on that road. Loved ones relate and feel for that person but when it comes down to it, it is he who is suffers from the disease, alone.
I agree with that too, but unfortunately not everybody thinks the same way as we do about that. I just think that Crohn's or any chronic disease helps "weed" out the true friends and loved ones. For me, that "bump" on my road involves not being able to work, not being able to do things socially with my significant other, spending months on end in the hospital, not being able to clean house and do basic chores most of the time, among other things. A lot of men I've dated, lived with, married couldn't deal with it. Their problem not mine. I think it's important to put yourself in the other's shoes and try to see things from their point of view.

Let's face it, we're not the easiest people to live with sometimes. That's just the facts. And my opinion. And opinions are like a$$holes, everybody's got one.

Smile J.C. life ain't all that bad!
04-23-2006, 03:24 PM   #12
Janet
 
Joe Christ said:
I honestly would rather stand alone then stand around a bunch of people who are only sympathizing for me or only there to make themselves feel better by supporting "a sick man." I understand she came here to become informed on this disease and for that I respect her. But when I read comments like "he even asked me if I still wanted him. I thought about it for a second" is when I say, hold on. I have a constant battle with my disease, but I take it as my disease. No one elses. I don't seek sympathy or want people to hug me because of it. People can either accept it or leave. Plain and simple.
Yup, exactly.
04-23-2006, 03:44 PM   #13
ReeRee
 
It's a matter of truly finding out how strong you are.
People come and go, and I'd rather have the people who are unable to see things with open eyes as far away from me as possible.
AMEN!!! I need to turn you loose on my sisters..lol. They still tell everybody that I'm "faking it" for the attention. I can think of about a million other ways to get attention. They're just closed-minded, selfish, witches anyways.

I gotta say, what are the odds of you and your best friend both having Crohn's? Wow! I've had it for more than 20-25 years and in all that time, I have only met 2 people with it, until I came here that is. It must be great to have a friend to go thru it with.
04-23-2006, 04:18 PM   #14
tea
 
Joe Christ said:
"That's so sweet of you" Why? Just because someone has Crohn's Disease doesn't make them a sad case to be sympathized and frowned upon. "I felt like I was hit by a bus." why is that? How does this man having Crohn's make him any different than he was before he told you that? Yes I understand that he has a disease but that is no reason for people to act like they're doing anybody some kind of favor by sticking around. I myself have this disease, I myself stand on my own two feet. I don't depend on anybody but myself. You should look at your situation in another light and maybe even realize that people are lucky to have loved ones in their life, with or without Crohn's.

PS I was forced to edit this post, I guess freedom of speech isn't "understandable" on this forum.
Spoken like a professional patient with the benefit of highsight and a few years to look this up, I suspect.

No one person will react the same- some people run the gamut of emotions when they're diagnosed, the same goes for people around the sufferer. To automatically assume people must act a certain way when you tell them is both naive and arrogant. Patient and family education takes time, and people need to be able to work through it in their own ways, even if it doesn't fit into your neat boxes of 'perfect reactions'. To say "react in my way or I'll be done with you" will only alienate you from the people you tell. The likelyhood of getting that kind of reaction every time is remote, and if you do get it, you need to consider that people may be telling you what you want to hear rather than their honest feelings.

A Crohn's patient needs to remember that the disease is relatively rare- the people they tell will not automatically understand what it entails, or they may need time to understand and work through the implications of having a loved one with a chronic illness. It may entail realising they may have to be a breadwinner at times, or may have to support their partner through treatment or even surgical procedures. They may worry they could lose the loved one in the long run, or that their life together won't be anything like they envisioned. Quite scary- especially if the relationship is new. Quite normal also when you bring a huge unknown equation to the table- one that by medical admission has no cure, an unpredictable course and a high surgical rate.

So Singlemom- you're perfectly within your rights to have mixed emotions, feel pity and have doubts mixed with hope, love and determination. It's all OK. None of us here had the diagnosis and future nailed the moment the word 'Crohn's' came out of the doctor's mouth. It took time to read up about it, clarify the jargon, accept the diagnosis and find out how to live with the symptoms.

Living independently with Crohn's is not about fighting a massive battle against it- that is a pointless use of limited energy like trying to fight the tide from coming in. Rather it's an adaptation to the condition, a willingness to work around it rather than against it and to educate your loved ones as much as possible to enable them to do the same. This takes time, effort and patience with people that have a different rate of doing that to yourself.

Hope everything works out well for you singlemom- keeping reading up about it. You can live with this OK with a bit of adaptation depending on his symptoms and treatment success. Keep talking, read up about it and be honest. You needn't be a tower of strength for him- just being realistic and there for the ride is enough.

Tea
04-23-2006, 04:29 PM   #15
ReeRee
 
Well said Tea!

J.C. I think you and I could write a book about jerks...lol. My sisters, ugh, there's a story. I'll just tell this one story tho. In 2002 I almost died 3 times within 2 months. I was laying in an ICU bed with hoses and needles coming out of every part of me and my docs told my parents to have everybody come say their goodbyes to me and to go ahead and call in the Reverend for last rites. My aunt had me put on the prayer list at church. That Sunday, my sisters went before the entire congregation and told everybody that praying for me would be a waste of time because there was nothing wrong with me and I had everybody fooled, my parents most of all. They told everybody that I do this "allthe time" for the attention.

How's that for loving family ties? LOL! I don't let it bother me anymore. The people who take the time to get to know me and learn the whole story are the ones who really care. The ones who don't and opt to believe them? I don't need them in my life to start with. Good riddance!

The funny thing is we all used to hang out together and drink cheap beer so for a short time we all started to think our constant stomach pains and runs to the bathroom were from that.
That just cracked me up!! Sorry, but it struck me as funny. I can see where you'd all think that. That's too funny.
04-23-2006, 05:46 PM   #16
ReeRee
 
LOL about the PopTarts! My grandmother, God rest her soul, swore I have it because I drink Cokes...heehee. I take the "just smile and nod" approach with most people like that.

I don't let my sisters bother me. It's their problem. I used to, don't get me wrong. It used to bother me a LOT. But I got over it. My friends are the family I've chosen for myself, 'cause God knows you can't choose your family.
04-23-2006, 06:01 PM   #17
jyarmo
 
I think you'll all agree with me that with Crohn's after a while you realize not to let the petty stuff bother you and to "forgive and (or atleast) forget". The less you let things bug you, the healthier you are in the long run!
04-23-2006, 06:18 PM   #18
ReeRee
 
I actually think they help me sometimes. Has a sort of Alkeseltzer/antacid effect. It could just be all in my mind though. But yeah, I think we are starting to drift way off topic here. haha
OMG! They do that for me too! I thought I was the only oddball. To be perfectly frank, I have a horrible problem belching and the Coke helps with that too.

And yeah, we are getting a little off topic here..LOL.

I think you'll all agree with me that with Crohn's after a while you realize not to let the petty stuff bother you and to "forgive and (or atleast) forget". The less you let things bug you, the healthier you are in the long run!
Well said! I was in a bar one night and this little old lady sitting at the bar told me "Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff!" She had a point..
04-23-2006, 08:45 PM   #19
mikeyarmo
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ReeRee said:
Well said! I was in a bar one night and this little old lady sitting at the bar told me "Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff!" She had a point..

Ree are you going to go tour with all of your material !

Your story also was awful to hear. I know this sounds weird, but I am glad that (in your sisters mind) you proved your sister right. They may feel for some reason that they are not "special" and that they are not given as much attention as you, so they feel envious of you. While we all know there are many things they should not be envious of, as you rightly have stated you cannot worry about what others say or think.
04-24-2006, 12:19 AM   #20
singlemom123
 
ok well I am sorry i offened you. I was just expressing how i feel. personly getting that news that some i love has a in cureable disease is like getting hit by a bus. I don't love him out of pitty. I loved him even before all of this. so sorry if me carring for some one offends you.



Joe Christ said:
"That's so sweet of you" Why? Just because someone has Crohn's Disease doesn't make them a sad case to be sympathized and frowned upon. "I felt like I was hit by a bus." why is that? How does this man having Crohn's make him any different than he was before he told you that? Yes I understand that he has a disease but that is no reason for people to act like they're doing anybody some kind of favor by sticking around. I myself have this disease, I myself stand on my own two feet. I don't depend on anybody but myself. You should look at your situation in another light and maybe even realize that people are lucky to have loved ones in their life, with or without Crohn's.

PS I was forced to edit this post, I guess freedom of speech isn't "understandable" on this forum.
04-24-2006, 11:28 AM   #21
tea
 
Joe Christ said:
Hey tea, are you calling me arrogant?
I was, yes. Every single one of your sentences contains 'I' & is about you.

Do you think that I don't know about the treatments, the unpredictable courses, the surgical procedures?
It's not a case of you knowing. It's the person you're telling.

I'm not going to wait around for someone to become informed enough to make a decision on wether or not I'm good enough for them.
Maybe that's your shtick, but it sure ain't mine.
You missed my point entirely. Maybe you care too much what they think and don't give them time to reject you. The fact that I let people around me deal with it in their own way means I've never had a reaction to worry about. I've been happily married for 10 years, work with people who both understand the issues I have with Crohn's and an ileostomy and take an interest in what it involves, and they remember the things I tell them.

If people around you are needing to decide whether you're good enough for them, it really says more about the person you are than the disease you have.


As singlemom has quite rightly added, anyone that cares about you will feel pain and worry. That's not pity, it's compassion.
04-24-2006, 12:10 PM   #22
Karen
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My Support Groups:
singlemom123 ~ Hello my name is KAREN & I want to tell you that I am married to a wonderful man who just found out in December that he has Crohn's keep in mind that we have been married for 28 years & he just found out that he has it. He did not have it at the time that we got married all those years ago & this was quit a blow to both of us. So, I told him when the day that he found out that " you have always been there for me & I want to be there for you " So, I am sure that if you really love this man you will be there for him through the GOOD & BAD DAYS that he will be going through & you will both grow stronger as the days go by.

I will be keeping both of you in prayer & do keep us posted of what happens ok ?
__________________
04-24-2006, 12:35 PM   #23
singlemom123
 
this is geting a little heated. I have never gotten so much of a reation out of somthing i have said. once agien to those of you that were offened sorry i up set you. I have alot in just the day and a half i have been on this site. I had no Idea that these illnesses afected so amny people. I don't know what it is to have this disease but I done understand the feelings of needing a good suport system. when I was growing up my legs were deformed, there we many things i couldn't do. and I hated it when I feel pittyed by others also, so I do not pitty anyone, ever. Life sometimes throws you a cerve ball, but if you can step up to the plate and take it head on chances are things will be great.
04-24-2006, 01:14 PM   #24
singlemom123
 
Joe Christ said:
Hey Tea,
The fact is, it is about "me."
To call me arrogant because I recognize my disease, as my disease, is completely idiotic on your part. To act like no one has ever felt rejection because of this disease is nothing more than an assumption. Like you, I have an ileostomy. I've been treated differently when it becomes known that I have it. Maybe your lucky enough to have only understanding people in your life but the fact is not everybody is as understanding and willing to learn more, like you pass them off to be. The fact is I don't care what other people think. If someone has a problem with me or my condition and still continues to see me in a different light than I have no room for them in my life. Plain and simple. Maybe something like that has never happened to you, but we are not all in the same ship. That's just great that you're married for ten years, have a nice career, and everybody is just so peachy to you. But not everyone is in that situation. Try explaining to a girl my age why you have a bag on your stomach, and try explaining to your so called friends why a 21 year old has something "only old people get." and feel the reactions for yourself. Not all are negative, but it has happened and for you to try and belittle me because of it, is pathetic. Everyone in your world might be so understanding and supportive but it doesn't mean everybody else has the same amount of support.
Also,
When I talk, I do talk about myself. What do you think I'm supposed to talk about? This forum is for people with Crohn's to share their feelings and stories. Not others. To tell me that all I do is talk about myself is flat out rude, and if it wasn't for the moderator telling me not to be "so direct" with my comments, I'd have a lot less positive things to say about you right now. Wake up and smell the coffee, not everyone is living your life.

Ok JC you need to coom down. think about this, I had never herd of crohn's before my bf told me about it. I didn't know how to react. I have been tho alot in my life and I don't like to see other suffer, because I have suffered. people have gotten mad at you because some of the stuff you said was a little mean. I am not here to pitty anyone or make myself a marder for someone. I am here to learn what I can hopfuly better understand how my bf feels. it is not a crime for me to worry, feel sad or even feel powerless because, I am human. I'm not perfect. I my get over emotional about things. but that is me. it's who i am. so really think about it. what you said could have really hurt my feeling.(it did hurt a little) because I felt like i was under attack for expretion myself. just understand I am here to learn not to be a marder or have pitty
04-24-2006, 03:31 PM   #25
cookey
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Here Here single mom...good for you. Joe..you say you're not trying to attack, but yet you keep it going. Give the woman a break...she is new to this, and as a person living with this disease...you could be a little more helpful, rather then saying the same thing over and over again. I apologize to everyone, but I am getting rather ticked. Singlemom has committed no crime here, the least we could do is listen...rather then picking up on every little thing she says. She is here to learn,..and the world doesnt revolve around you Joe, I'm sorry...you could be a little more sympathic to what Singlemom is saying. We have a nice little group of people here, please don't wreck it for others.
04-24-2006, 04:32 PM   #26
singlemom123
 
Ok well back to why I am here. (before any more fur gose flying) what esactly can you do to treat this disease other the meds. my BF is talking about having his apendecs removed. because a frined of his with crohns did it and it have made it that he dose not need meds as often. right now my bf gets a IV drip every 6 weeks.
04-24-2006, 05:32 PM   #27
singlemom123
 
OK that's it! I have had it! everyone stop it! EVERYONE!!!. geezzzz I am trying to get infor here people, not start a fight, please. now could anyone anwers a few questions for me. like what can you do outside of taking meds to treat crohn's.
04-24-2006, 06:09 PM   #28
Kossy
 
I going to try to defuse the situation here.. I hope. I've read most of the commets here and I see both sides.....
I understand that singlemom wants to be helpful for her the guy that's she seeing. A lot of people are very caring for others and what to be as helpful as they can be and is trying to seek information about Crohn's.

Joe on the other hand is from a different generation, a different age group. I've gone through what Joe's gone through. I may be wrong and totally off base but when I was in my teens and had my ileostomy in my early twenties it is very tough. This is the time of your life where you're suppose to get a career, get a girl, get married, have a white picket fence and a house with two cats in the yard. That alone is stressful enough.

When I was in my late teens/early twenties I only met two kinds of people. People that either feared my disease and ran faster the speed of light or people that wanted to baby the hell out of me.
Their have been girls that wanted to "baby" me just so they could get attention, sort of like Munchausen Syndrome. That bugged the crap out of me. All I wanted was someone that would love me for me, not for my disease.

I'm not calling out anyone. I am not saying anything bad about anyone. I'm just sitting on the fence on this one.


BTW, outside of medications for treatment... lifestyle change helps if the person is eating non healthy foods stuff like that...
04-24-2006, 06:18 PM   #29
singlemom123
 
thank you kossy. I aprecarte the info. my bf is talking about getting his apendics taken out. aparently it lessens how often you need to take meds.




Kossy said:
I going to try to defuse the situation here.. I hope. I've read most of the commets here and I see both sides.....
I understand that singlemom wants to be helpful for her the guy that's she seeing. A lot of people are very caring for others and what to be as helpful as they can be and is trying to seek information about Crohn's.

Joe on the other hand is from a different generation, a different age group. I've gone through what Joe's gone through. I may be wrong and totally off base but when I was in my teens and had my ileostomy in my early twenties it is very tough. This is the time of your life where you're suppose to get a career, get a girl, get married, have a white picket fence and a house with two cats in the yard. That alone is stressful enough.

When I was in my late teens/early twenties I only met two kinds of people. People that either feared my disease and ran faster the speed of light or people that wanted to baby the hell out of me.
Their have been girls that wanted to "baby" me just so they could get attention, sort of like Munchausen Syndrome. That bugged the crap out of me. All I wanted was someone that would love me for me, not for my disease.

I'm not calling out anyone. I am not saying anything bad about anyone. I'm just sitting on the fence on this one.


BTW, outside of medications for treatment... lifestyle change helps if the person is eating non healthy foods stuff like that...
04-24-2006, 06:41 PM   #30
cookey
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Joe Christ said:
The last few comments I've made weren't even directed at Singlemom. As you can see other people started talking and I started to respond to them. Not Singlemom. When I'm in the bathroom I am alone, When I lay on a hospital bed I lay there alone, I feel the pain alone. What I'm saying has nothing to do with Singlemom or her situation being this thread drifted elsewhere. I find it really funny that people are telling me that I'm talking about myself too much while this is a Crohn's Disease Support group... Do you need to get your fucking head examined? I thought the whole idea of a "support" group was to go somewhere and talk about a disease, the good and the bad. Not about how great everybody treats you and how peachy your life is. If that was truly the case, there wouldn't be no need for a group. So do me a favor, go fuck yourself.
Well, I'm not even going to dignify myself to answer your pathetic questions. Yes you are right, a support forum is talk about yourself, and also to give support to other members. I see no postive posts from you to any other member here. I'm sorry your're so bitter, but...I will not tolerate your rudeness when it comes to me, or anyone else on this site. Out of respect for Mike and the other members. I do not in anyway agree with your choice of words. Have a nice evening Joe.

Last edited by cookey; 04-24-2006 at 06:57 PM.
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