Caregiver vs. Wife (sex)

My husband was diagnosed with Crohn's 30 years ago, so he's been dealing with it for a long time. We've been married for 10 years. Last May, he developed an abscess from a fistula where they had to do surgery for it to drain. He's been waiting since then for them to actually perform intensive surgery to remove the Crohn's diseased tissue and to repair the fistulas. This is happening in March.

We have not had sex since before his original surgery in May except for one trial in August that left him pretty sick. Although we kiss and show affection, sex is pretty much off the table.

I feel like I've slipped into this role of caregiver and nurse and I'm having a difficult time slipping back into the role of wife and lover.

Once he has the surgery in March, he's supposed to have a temporary ostomy, which is supposed to be removed in June, at which point he should be good once he's recovered from that second surgery as long as everything goes as planned.

Since I've got a few months, I'm trying to work on renewing that spark within me and being interested in sex (and sex with him) again. I've been so scared after what happened the one time we tried that I've been reluctant to even let it get more serious than kissing (although I know there are ways we can satisfy each other without having actual intercourse).

I'm wondering if anyone else has any tips on how I can slowly work back to being his wife instead of his nurse.

Hey Bluefluff75, that is a tough situation wen you've had problems before during intercourse. You've done a great job recognizing the first step and being aware of the problem! Your husband is now slowly recovering and will no longer need the same support that he has needed in the past. The first thing to do is recognize what your husband can do with his own powers and slowly allowing him to take charge of himself once again. This will help his confidence and allow you to move away from the caregiver stigma. Everything may not happen at once but if you show your openness and gear yourself back to being a wife/lover then change will slowly follow

Hey Bluefluff75,

I was the sick one. My partner was very upset that I couldn't please her properly after surgeries. It hurt me more than it pleased me at the time. I also had decreased libido from the pain meds. Things eventually got right back on track.

All I can say is it will get better just hang in there, you may need to have a little self pleasure in the meantime. Don't worry he still wants you! And don't worry you wont go blind or get hairy palms! JK

I hope things work out as they did for me.


All the best,

cmack

I know after I had spinal surgery sex was off the table for quite awhile. Any movement caused such pain and I couldn't even handle him touching me as my nervous system was on overdrive they said. The had two videos on how to deal with and have sex with a spinal injury and that helped in to be able to just take the first step in talking about it.

We joked we wish we were mormon and second wife could just take care of him....we have weird humor it helps. I got the rabbit which gets me off fast so not as much pain. He got an egg and other devises from "toy" store so he can take care of himself.

We actually even scheduled sex which took some pressure off. We could think about it and then plan for it which helped us since we have to get stuff out of night stand etc. We have a salt lamp and if one of us feel frisky we turn it on. Weather the other one responds is up to that person but it's put out and then we can think about it or just say go ahead and take care of yourself this time.

We enjoy holding each other in our hot tub it makes us feel close. There is the no sex rule there so no one has to be concerned about thinking way. We also have a massage table and it helps with just being able to touch putting lotion on and if we want to go further than so be it but at least we got the sense of touch which is important skin to skin.

We spend our lives thinking most of sex should be spontaneous but when your injured or sick planning is our best friend now. Hope this helps.

Good advice Jane.

Thanks for the replies, all! Sometimes I wish it were him coming on this forum instead of me. These kinds of responses are so helpful, but he is very reluctant to even admit he needs help, let alone seek it out.

Just leave the site up and one day he might be bored enough to get on it and look around.

I used to be a way more stubborn. I decided to just reach out one day. Hopefully so will he.

I'm still pretty stubborn though! LOL


cmack