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Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Vent Away » I feel like I'm worth less [crohn's]


04-25-2017, 02:52 AM   #1
embyrr
 
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I feel like I'm worth less [crohn's]

Whenever it hits me I plummet into a darkness which is very hard to climb out of.
I usually do and it doesn't always take days but it does floor me, make me feel sorry for myself, make me feel alienated.
I feel dirty and unworthy of spending time with others since I won't be able to do what they're doing without consequence, or complaint, or general pain.
My partner accepts me. She encourages me when I'm down and when I feel like the only success I could have that day is get partially dressed and perhaps make dinner. She acts like it's the best thing I could ever have done.

I doubt myself because I don't know how it will become.
I'm only twenty-six and, at times, I find myself in a similar state of health as my 74+ parents.

Weed helps a lot with the pain. Inflammation subsides and it really takes your mind off it as you wander on to other subjects. Time passes quicker too and I'm able to eat where normally I wouldn't want to look at food.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm scared.
I'm scared that the disease will deteriorate over time. I'm scared of developing arthritis or cancer.
I'm scared of having days where I'm floored without warning and where I find myself at a loss for words to explain to others what I'm feeling.
I don't want pity but I seek empathy.

This thing really pushes you to feel alone.
04-25-2017, 07:08 AM   #2
ronroush7
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Hi. I want you to know that everyone here supports you Maybe you need to talk to someone professionally. You can always send me a pm. Sometimes when my disease is at it's worse, I will get weepy. It is great that you have found someone​ who is so supportive. Keep us updated.
04-26-2017, 06:41 AM   #3
Jimmy Lee
 
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I'm not one to write much on the forum, but for a powerful reason your post grabbed me. Verbalizing that you feel worthless when "it hits" takes guts to admit. But you have great worth, and you even wrote about it! What a great support system in your partner. So many don't even have that. It is not weak for you to accept help from your partner.

Read your post again. You are so young, man. You have the world in your hand. I agree that nobody understands, and you are so right about that. It hurts, and badly. But in my darkest times (and I've had too many I care to count), something always happens to help me out of that dark abyss. I hate that phrase "it will get better." How does someone know that? But what I do know is that it will change. And chances are, with all the advancements EVERY DAY, the odds have it. I'm not quite your parent's age, but getting there. But I'll play the parent here, lol. DON'T LET THAT WORD "WORTHLESS" COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH EVER AGAIN (spoken lovingly...I have two children your age). Nobody is worthless, although we feel that way. So be kind to yourself, man. Lean on others if necessary. We're all in this together. You do have worth. I saw that and it compelled me to write this. Otherwise, I don't know what made me do it! Good luck to you. You WILL be OK. Just be sure to be kind to yourself. Thanks for sharing.
04-26-2017, 06:46 AM   #4
ronroush7
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I'm not one to write much on the forum, but for a powerful reason your post grabbed me. Verbalizing that you feel worthless when "it hits" takes guts to admit. But you have great worth, and you even wrote about it! What a great support system in your partner. So many don't even have that. It is not weak for you to accept help from your partner.

Read your post again. You are so young, man. You have the world in your hand. I agree that nobody understands, and you are so right about that. It hurts, and badly. But in my darkest times (and I've had too many I care to count), something always happens to help me out of that dark abyss. I hate that phrase "it will get better." How does someone know that? But what I do know is that it will change. And chances are, with all the advancements EVERY DAY, the odds have it. I'm not quite your parent's age, but getting there. But I'll play the parent here, lol. DON'T LET THAT WORD "WORTHLESS" COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH EVER AGAIN (spoken lovingly...I have two children your age). Nobody is worthless, although we feel that way. So be kind to yourself, man. Lean on others if necessary. We're all in this together. You do have worth. I saw that and it compelled me to write this. Otherwise, I don't know what made me do it! Good luck to you. You WILL be OK. Just be sure to be kind to yourself. Thanks for sharing.
I agree

04-27-2017, 03:26 AM   #5
embyrr
 
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Thank you both. You are correct that my partner really puts up with a lot and I have to admit that the guilt is sometimes overwhelming. I think many of you might feel this way as well.

Thank you so much for encouraging me. I'm currently in another country for work and am driving back home later today. The flare has gone down a bit but everything is still a haze and my stomach feelings like knives are trying to stab their way out.

I will aim to be kinder to myself and to lean on others. I know that taking everything on my shoulders never helps and only serves in pushing me down. Thank you kindly for your words, they have given me strength to see this week through.

Juan Carlos
04-27-2017, 07:19 AM   #6
Jimmy Lee
 
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As my grandmother used to say, "Well Bless Pat!!!" I never knew what that meant, but she said it when she was very happily surprised. Your comment really made my day! Leaning on others, wow! You are so wise, Juan. I am pulling for you. My dad had multiple sclerosis and he couldn't walk. I barely remember his being able to walk, in fact. So he had to pretty much depend on my mom and us children for everything. I happened to be the one that was in a position to do the most because my brothers were away at college, and my little sister was just too young. He used to get "down" and feel so guilty. I would always make him laugh by saying, "Well Dad, let's just go ahead and call the funeral home. I see no need in waiting!" He would start laughing. (I did have a strange sense of humor, lol.)

The point of telling you that is this: Oh what I would give to be able to help him just one more time! He passed away when he was 55 due to complication of MS. But he was such an inspiration to me. Accept help, and ask for it. You'll never know how you can touch other's lives. I'm wishing you all the best, and thanks!!!
05-02-2017, 06:42 PM   #7
MizzSarah
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This disease has really made me question my purpose in life. Before the diagnosis I had all these goals and dreams to travel. I was just about to start highschool and just like that--my health plummeted in a manner of days. Fast forward nearly 7 years later I was finally diagnosed after a long journey of being told I was psychologically making my self sick for attention. For those years and then into the year I was diagnosed I felt pressed for time. I needed to get to UNI quick and get a job where if I had to--I could get on LTD. it was a crazy thought to have for such a young person but I had to think about what my life may be--tomorrow. I was struggling at this point to get out of bed.

I'm 24 now and everyday is a struggle. I would be lying if I said I was in this peaceful and accepting stage in my life. I have a job which I do love but it's physically 'alot.' I rushed to find work so quick out of highschool and now I'm potentially having to think of a career change.

My dad has Crohn's as well so everyday I see what the disease does and how it corrupts. I can't help but worry if his fate--will be mine.

Holding out hope that we will all be healed one day..
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05-02-2017, 06:58 PM   #8
ronroush7
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This disease has really made me question my purpose in life. Before the diagnosis I had all these goals and dreams to travel. I was just about to start highschool and just like that--my health plummeted in a manner of days. Fast forward nearly 7 years later I was finally diagnosed after a long journey of being told I was psychologically making my self sick for attention. For those years and then into the year I was diagnosed I felt pressed for time. I needed to get to UNI quick and get a job where if I had to--I could get on LTD. it was a crazy thought to have for such a young person but I had to think about what my life may be--tomorrow. I was struggling at this point to get out of bed.

I'm 24 now and everyday is a struggle. I would be lying if I said I was in this peaceful and accepting stage in my life. I have a job which I do love but it's physically 'alot.' I rushed to find work so quick out of highschool and now I'm potentially having to think of a career change.

My dad has Crohn's as well so everyday I see what the disease does and how it corrupts. I can't help but worry if his fate--will be mine.

Holding out hope that we will all be healed one day..
Amen

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