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08-12-2017, 11:24 AM   #1
Girlfriend7
 
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Boyfriend has turned nasty

Hi, first of all please accept my apologies for any ignorance I may have towards Crohns, I'm very new to this!
A couple of months ago the guy I was seeing started making excuses not to see me, eventually he admitted that he had Crohns and could feel a flare coming. He explained that when it's really bad it's a it embarrassing and he doesn't really want me to see him like that. I of course completely understood this and have tried to be really supportive. I've done a lot of research to try and understand Crohns so that I can support him as best I can and although it's a little frustrating at times when plans are cancelled or I can't see him for days I've tried so hard to be patient. He really started to open up and talk more about what he was going through and it really felt like we were getting a lot closer. Unfortunately I've had my own personal issues recently which have really knocked me and even with everything he's dealing with he's been so supportive.
But then last weekend all of a sudden he started ignoring my calls and when I finally spoke to him he said he doesn't want a relationship and was really nasty about it. It was honestly like talking to a different person. We've only spoken briefly since and it ended with him getting angry for no reason.
A couple of days before this he's been out on steroids as the medication he was on wasn't working so I'm just wondering if this personality change is a side effect of the steroids? Is this normal?
Do people with Crohns tend to push people away when things get too hard for them?
Obviously I'm aware that this could have nothing to do with Crohns and he could've just changed his mind but it just seems so strange for things to have changed so much from one day to the next.
If he does eventually open up again and explain that this was all because of the Crohns / steroids I will of course accept that, however, I can't just accept him being so nasty every time things are hard. If anybody's ever dealt with this kind of situation before any advice would be very much appreciated!
08-12-2017, 12:13 PM   #2
Trysha
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This can most definitely be attributed to steroid use....increased irritability,aggression and a number of personality changes....among other things.
It is very upsetting to family members and friends to see this happening.
Should be ok once off the steroids.
Sorry to hear you are going through a bad time and hope it can be resolved for the future.
Feel better soon
Trysha
08-12-2017, 03:03 PM   #3
ronroush7
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Sorry for what you have been through. I agree with Trysha.
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08-13-2017, 07:43 AM   #4
Mrsdp85
 
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When I'm flaring I don't want to see anyone. It makes you feel weak and have no control over you're own body. My husband used to say I had roid rage when on steroids. I was a nightmare. I would be so nasty towards him and things like a pillow being out of place would make me cry.
08-13-2017, 08:24 AM   #5
Girlfriend7
 
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When I'm flaring I don't want to see anyone. It makes you feel weak and have no control over you're own body. My husband used to say I had roid rage when on steroids. I was a nightmare. I would be so nasty towards him and things like a pillow being out of place would make me cry.
Thank you for your reply. Yes I've heard of roid rage a lot on here. Do you think if it was early days in your relationship you would have pushed someone away when going through this? I hate the thought of him going through this and not having anybody there to support him 😢
08-13-2017, 08:25 AM   #6
Girlfriend7
 
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This can most definitely be attributed to steroid use....increased irritability,aggression and a number of personality changes....among other things.
It is very upsetting to family members and friends to see this happening.
Should be ok once off the steroids.
Sorry to hear you are going through a bad time and hope it can be resolved for the future.
Feel better soon
Trysha
Thank you, to be honest I am sure that the steroids are the explanation, I guess I just needed the reassurance from others. Hopefully if I don't push he will come round eventually x
08-13-2017, 08:44 AM   #7
Mrsdp85
 
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Thank you for your reply. Yes I've heard of roid rage a lot on here. Do you think if it was early days in your relationship you would have pushed someone away when going through this? I hate the thought of him going through this and not having anybody there to support him 😢
I push him away now and we've been together for 8 years. I can't ever imagine meeting someone new and having to explain this especially when flaring. Sometimes I forget how hard it is on my husband. He struggles to see me unwell and there's nothing he can do about it but when you are going through it yourself, it's hard to think about how your partner feels.
08-13-2017, 09:09 AM   #8
Girlfriend7
 
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I push him away now and we've been together for 8 years. I can't ever imagine meeting someone new and having to explain this especially when flaring. Sometimes I forget how hard it is on my husband. He struggles to see me unwell and there's nothing he can do about it but when you are going through it yourself, it's hard to think about how your partner feels.
Oh wow, I really do have a lot to learn. As I said to Trysha, hopefully if I give him some space he will come around eventually. Problem is I didn't react great to his nastiness and with my own problems I selfishly made it all about me so I really hope that he knows I am still here for him. Thank you for sharing your own experience, it's really helpful to know that this is 'normal', I guess if I do get him back I need to learn how to deal with it and to understand that it's not personal.
08-13-2017, 09:17 AM   #9
scottsma
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I agree with all the above replies.Also having to cancel plans and keep on repeating why and how sick we feel can cause us to be angry.My husband of many,many years is a saint and understands completely every aspect of my crohns but when he keeps asking how I am and can he do anything for me I occasionally lose it.So it must be doubley hard when in a relatively new relationship.I would take a step back,let him know you're there for him if he needs you and see what transpires.I must add that he's very lucky to have you to care about him.Just be patient.I hope things get better for you both really soon.
08-13-2017, 11:51 AM   #10
ronroush7
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I agree with all the above replies.Also having to cancel plans and keep on repeating why and how sick we feel can cause us to be angry.My husband of many,many years is a saint and understands completely every aspect of my crohns but when he keeps asking how I am and can he do anything for me I occasionally lose it.So it must be doubley hard when in a relatively new relationship.I would take a step back,let him know you're there for him if he needs you and see what transpires.I must add that he's very lucky to have you to care about him.Just be patient.I hope things get better for you both really soon.
Agree

08-13-2017, 05:06 PM   #11
Girlfriend7
 
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I agree with all the above replies.Also having to cancel plans and keep on repeating why and how sick we feel can cause us to be angry.My husband of many,many years is a saint and understands completely every aspect of my crohns but when he keeps asking how I am and can he do anything for me I occasionally lose it.So it must be doubley hard when in a relatively new relationship.I would take a step back,let him know you're there for him if he needs you and see what transpires.I must add that he's very lucky to have you to care about him.Just be patient.I hope things get better for you both really soon.
Thank you so much. I have been guilty of asking him all the time how he is feeling and even admittedly sometimes making him feel bad for cancelling plans without realising how hard it is for him. It's all a learning curve and not only are we early on in our relationship and realistically still getting to know each other we're both going through our personal struggles. Guess if we get through this it can only make us stronger!
08-13-2017, 06:15 PM   #12
ronroush7
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Wishing you the best.
08-13-2017, 08:43 PM   #13
Magnolia24
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Steroids and flaring could definitely be an explanation for frustration and a short temper. However, it is also not an excuse to be disrespectful. I know I have snapped at my boyfriend or been very emotional while on prednisone (and I'm sure navigating the crazy waves of steroids with someone new is complicated in different ways), but I also acknowledge it as soon as I am able to, apologize, talk it out calmly. While Crohn's/steroids can explain the behavior, it doesn't excuse it. It's great to let him know you are a source of support, but important to have boundaries for your own health as well.
08-14-2017, 03:03 AM   #14
zHassanz
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Hey there,

First of all I want you to know that I can totally understand where you're coming from, I have been through something similar and in my case I am the Crohn's patient boyfriend. I even posted a thread about this here, but I seem to kind of have lost it.

In my case, I happened to meet this new girl, whom I developed a liking to and from what she said she liked me back. We dated for a couple of months, and I didn't mention anything about my Crohn's, not that I was hiding it or anything, but I just didn't find any occasion for me to mention it. Until one day she wanted to go for something spicy, so I had to face her with what I would have seen as the "ugly truth". At first she was like "It's OK, we all get sick", until I explained to her how hard it is to keep up with all of this. She was in kind of denial and started saying stuff like "no, no, don't worry babe it will all just go away, you're strong..."

Ever since I felt a change in her attitude toward me, and whenever this subject was brought to the table of discussion, she would just push it off, as if she wanted a picture of a perfect me who's healthy and strong. Unfortunately this wasn't the case, I'm sick; I hate it, but it's a fact and if my partner is not willing to keep up with this, then I'm sorry, but we both shouldn't be together. And guess what? We broke up.

Reading through your post kinda brought tears to my eyes, because from what you say it shows that you really care about him and love him, and believe me this is exactly what a man wants.

I can see that some people here are trying to say it has to do with him flaring or he might be on steroids, but in my opinion, he's still being irresponsible. I don't care if he has Crohn's or whatever, but he should be more appreciative of your support, because this means that you do care about him.

Having not dealt with him personally, I wouldn't be able to tell whether this is part of his personality or whether the flares are what cause him to do so, but I'm sure that you yourself know him better and you will realize whether he deserves to be with you or not. Sometimes in a relationship, we focus on what we are doing, and get drifted away with that and start blaming ourselves for what seems to be a reaction to what the other party is doing. Never engage yourself in an abusive relationship of any kind under the name of love. A good person like you deserves much better than that.

I have a close friend of mine, who's a darling. She keeps telling me that having Crohn's is nothing that decreases of our value as humans; we are good at our hearts and we have no control over the way our bodies work. And she's perfectly healthy and she only learned about Crohn's from me. I would say give him another chance, explain to him how you're feeling and what you are willing to do, and see where this goes.

I'm sorry, if I got too emotional and for these walls of text, but I hope that this will be of help to you. Sending you support!

Last edited by zHassanz; 08-14-2017 at 03:23 AM.
08-14-2017, 02:34 PM   #15
Girlfriend7
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Steroids and flaring could definitely be an explanation for frustration and a short temper. However, it is also not an excuse to be disrespectful. I know I have snapped at my boyfriend or been very emotional while on prednisone (and I'm sure navigating the crazy waves of steroids with someone new is complicated in different ways), but I also acknowledge it as soon as I am able to, apologize, talk it out calmly. While Crohn's/steroids can explain the behavior, it doesn't excuse it. It's great to let him know you are a source of support, but important to have boundaries for your own health as well.
Yes I completely agree. And whilst I will accept an apology if I receive one I will be making it very clear that I won't be going through this again.
08-14-2017, 02:44 PM   #16
Girlfriend7
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Hey there,

First of all I want you to know that I can totally understand where you're coming from, I have been through something similar and in my case I am the Crohn's patient boyfriend. I even posted a thread about this here, but I seem to kind of have lost it.

In my case, I happened to meet this new girl, whom I developed a liking to and from what she said she liked me back. We dated for a couple of months, and I didn't mention anything about my Crohn's, not that I was hiding it or anything, but I just didn't find any occasion for me to mention it. Until one day she wanted to go for something spicy, so I had to face her with what I would have seen as the "ugly truth". At first she was like "It's OK, we all get sick", until I explained to her how hard it is to keep up with all of this. She was in kind of denial and started saying stuff like "no, no, don't worry babe it will all just go away, you're strong..."

Ever since I felt a change in her attitude toward me, and whenever this subject was brought to the table of discussion, she would just push it off, as if she wanted a picture of a perfect me who's healthy and strong. Unfortunately this wasn't the case, I'm sick; I hate it, but it's a fact and if my partner is not willing to keep up with this, then I'm sorry, but we both shouldn't be together. And guess what? We broke up.

Reading through your post kinda brought tears to my eyes, because from what you say it shows that you really care about him and love him, and believe me this is exactly what a man wants.

I can see that some people here are trying to say it has to do with him flaring or he might be on steroids, but in my opinion, he's still being irresponsible. I don't care if he has Crohn's or whatever, but he should be more appreciative of your support, because this means that you do care about him.

Having not dealt with him personally, I wouldn't be able to tell whether this is part of his personality or whether the flares are what cause him to do so, but I'm sure that you yourself know him better and you will realize whether he deserves to be with you or not. Sometimes in a relationship, we focus on what we are doing, and get drifted away with that and start blaming ourselves for what seems to be a reaction to what the other party is doing. Never engage yourself in an abusive relationship of any kind under the name of love. A good person like you deserves much better than that.

I have a close friend of mine, who's a darling. She keeps telling me that having Crohn's is nothing that decreases of our value as humans; we are good at our hearts and we have no control over the way our bodies work. And she's perfectly healthy and she only learned about Crohn's from me. I would say give him another chance, explain to him how you're feeling and what you are willing to do, and see where this goes.

I'm sorry, if I got too emotional and for these walls of text, but I hope that this will be of help to you. Sending you support!
Thank you for your message and I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your girlfriend. It is very hard to understand that this is something that won't just go away if it's not something you're experiencing yourself and I have to admit that until I did my research I was the same. It's also very difficult not to be a bit selfish and wish that it would just go away and I do believe that you have to be really committed to have that patience unfortunately. I understand what you are saying about my boyfriend and I agree that his behaviour can't all be just down to the Crohns / steroids, however, When things were good they were really good and he was a completely different person to the one I am seeing now. until I know that there's no hope, I am prepared to do what I can to get that back and to find an explanation. If I'm honest, in the past I have walked away from relationships for very small reasons so the fact that I can't seem to walk away from this one tells me that it must be worth it.
08-14-2017, 02:51 PM   #17
zHassanz
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Thank you for your message and I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your girlfriend. It is very hard to understand that this is something that won't just go away if it's not something you're experiencing yourself and I have to admit that until I did my research I was the same. It's also very difficult not to be a bit selfish and wish that it would just go away and I do believe that you have to be really committed to have that patience unfortunately. I understand what you are saying about my boyfriend and I agree that his behaviour can't all be just down to the Crohns / steroids, however, When things were good they were really good and he was a completely different person to the one I am seeing now. until I know that there's no hope, I am prepared to do what I can to get that back and to find an explanation. If I'm honest, in the past I have walked away from relationships for very small reasons so the fact that I can't seem to walk away from this one tells me that it must be worth it.
Believe me, even we want all of this to end, but unfortunately it doesn't.

I'm sure you know what you are doing, and I really hope that this will work out for the better of you both. Always follow your heart!
08-14-2017, 02:54 PM   #18
Girlfriend7
 
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Believe me, even we want all of this to end, but unfortunately it doesn't.

I'm sure you know what you are doing, and I really hope that this will work out for the better of you both. Always follow your heart!
Oh God yes I'm sure you do! Sorry didn't mean to sound so insensitive.

Thank you, even if it doesn't work out at least I will have tried 😊
08-14-2017, 02:58 PM   #19
zHassanz
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Oh God yes I'm sure you do! Sorry didn't mean to sound so insensitive.

Thank you, even if it doesn't work out at least I will have tried 😊
Noooo, don't worry about it. I know you didn't mean it that way. lol

I just wanted to say that even he is wishing for that, and maybe with some support from you, he will be able to accept and cope up with the flares better.
08-22-2017, 05:06 AM   #20
Girlfriend7
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Just thought I would update on here that as it turns out, this guy was cheating on me.

Whilst I still completely believe it was the steroids that caused him to become so nasty and angry and I still completely understand the hell that he has gone through with this illness, and I will absolutely not knock that. I will say that as some people have already commented this is absolutely not an excuse for treating somebody badly.

I was naive and deep down I knew that if he really cared he would have apologised after getting angry.

Thanks for all of the lovely messages I received on here.
08-22-2017, 05:30 AM   #21
ronroush7
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I am really sorry.

08-22-2017, 07:05 AM   #22
scottsma
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Me too.But you can be proud that you cared enough about him to come on here and ask for advice.Now you must put it all behind you and find someone who will care for you.Life is a learning curve and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.Very best wishes for your future.
08-22-2017, 08:06 AM   #23
ronroush7
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Agree

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