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10-10-2017, 10:53 PM   #1
badger
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
My story update

First an explanation.
I joined under another name around 8 years ago, hopefully as you read on, you will appreciate why i am not posting under that name.
the truth is, in my original posts i gave alot of personal information. I think after reading some of this update/story you will understand why i dont want to risk being identified.

So last time i was here I had been diagnosed for around 4 years, i was pretty sick at the time and getting worse. The pain i was in was beyond my experience, i also had a baby daughter.

despite being told constantly i needed urgent surgery, i tried to hang on for as long as I could. I managed another 2 years, then after two weeks of constant pain and steady decline, i collapsed.

The surgeon i had been seeing was absolutely excellent, and along with my Gasto guy had been looking after me. My surgeon was really keen to operate and looking back went way out of his way to help me. He did my last 4 colonoscopies before my surgeries, each time he would say.........

Please let me operate, you got a young daughter and you really need this. All I heard was, i think a operation would be best, but its your choice. he asked me to get weekly blood tests from my GP and get them sent to him, i gave in to this and every week i went and had a blood test.

It wasnt long before my GP was telling me that a operation was getting extremely urgent. Ok i felt rough to put it mildly, but having lived with it for a number of years, i was sure i could go on a little longer.

My excuse to myself was i had to help look after my little girl, i had to work to provide for my family (self employed), i couldnt afford the time off. I could handle the pain and symptons for a bit longer.

Looking back from where I am now, i told myself everything but the truth. To this day I dont really know exactly what was stopping me, maybe it was being in my very early 40's, being in a relatively young relationship (2 years), and being frightened of having to have a bag (the surgeon couldnt say yes or no at that time).

So it was basically fear, also I was frightened of the surgery, i was scared rigid i wouldnt wake up again, i was scared stiff if I did wake up i would have a bag, i was scared if i had a bag then my relationship would crumble.

I could go on and on about all the fears i had. I told no one the true reasons i didnt want an operation, i lied to myself about my blood test results. I got to see them every week, and because of my job i knew exactly what they were saying.

I have no idea how I managed to lie and decieve myself for so long, i have no idea how i managed to keep the doctors at bay and avoid the operation, dont get me wrong, 4 times i laid on the bed getting prepped for surgery, and 4 times i got out of it at the last minuet.

I am ashamed to say i wasted valuable time and hospital resources, i have mild angina, but on one occasion as i lay filling out the forms I got chest pains, obviously i immediately informed the anesthetist, and equally obviously i managed to miss my slot and got to go home.

I also had a bit of a cold on one occasion, or had a stomach bug for a couple of days before, all of it complete fiction. i did whatever I could to get off that trolley and go home.

I am not proud of any of this, i was a coward and stupid.

While all this was going on, i was genuinely in so much pain that life was a living hell, i dont need to describe any of this. 99% of you know exactly how bad the pain can be, many of you will also have the constant flare up i was going through.

I salute those of you who have not been cowards, or wasted hospital time and money, i wish i had been as brave as you.

I ended up on oxycodone and MST, i had oxycontin and oxynorm. MST and oramorph, i also have buscopan (which looking back was probably the best). i took Tramadol which i didnt get on prescription.

With this concoction i was able to kind of function and sort of work. I was managing to get on with my life, ok yes i had lost a little weight (5 stone in 12 months). but all in all i was doing ok, or so i was telling myself.

Then i had a really strange day, I went to work, i didnt feel exactly right but i was used to that. I felt kind of different but couldnt put my finger on it.

So what happened? I honestly have no idea, I remember a couple of bits but i dont think they are even in the correct time order. I had been bleeding for some time by this point, my markers and levels in the blood tests were showing i was in trouble, i was totally ignoring everyones begging for me to go into hospital.

I remember clearly sitting at my desk, i remember being really annoyed i couldnt get my pc to connect to the internet. I remember the phone ringing and answering it, i have no idea who i spoke to or for how long.

I havnt a clue what was said, but because i now know who had called, i am aware it was a customer and work related phone call.

my next memory was blue streaks on the wall, i remember clearly thinking it was really odd to see blue colours on my wall. My next memory was a load of people rushing around and making alot of noise, i remember someone had there hand on my throat.

I remember seeing my surgeon poking his head around a door and swearing at some people around. I also remember being totally confused why my surgeon was in my office.

Obviously he wasnt, maybe some of you have been there, i expect most of you have never been as stupid as I was, so might be thinking i talking gibberish, but i am telling you exactly what I remember and what I know of the events in hindsight.

Next memory was some stupid nurse throwing a nurse call button on my stomach that was really sore, and me telling my partner to get her to stop. Now this bit is really strange, because i have spoken about this many times to my partner (actually we married a few years later), and she assures me the incident with the call button never happened, she also assures me that she wasnt there at that time.

I am equally positive that being wheeled along the corridor after the operation, it did happen and she was there. I remember it clearly!!! I remember her smiling and telling me it was all going to be ok.

The reality is, i was in surgery for just over 11 hours, they had to cancel the days surgical list for two surgeons. there is no possible way my partner could of been there, it was very late at night when i came out of surgery and she was looking after the kids in the relatives room.

So next memory was having a really sore throat, it hurt alot and my mouth felt dry. i couldnt move but my stomach felt like it had worms inside it.
I was actually in the ITU and had been for three days.

I was sweating floods and floods, everything was soaking wet. Despite being on alot of morphine, it turns out i was in Oxycodone withdrawal and tramadol.

The thing is I had kind of lied (actually i had told gigantic lies about how much I had been taking), i had never disclosed I had been topping up on the black market. So no one knew just how badly addicted i had become to these drugs, and the Morphine wasnt cutting it.

in the end I get on the HDU, there i was seen by a wonderful pain specialist nurse, she took one look at me and said, ok what you been taking and how much. I was in a real state, so i actually told her the truth.

Bless her for eternity, she didnt flinch, judge or say anything except. Ok love we will get you sorted in 2-3 hours, so within 10 mins she was back with some pills, and sure enough around 2 hours later i was feeling alot better.

So did I have bag? No fortunately I didnt. I guess at this point i should detail the operation and all the medical stuff. But this post isnt about that, i will detail it all fully soon, but this post is actually about something else.

You see i went home still on Oxcodone and all the other pain killers, actually i went home 3 weeks later! I started to come off the pain meds and the pain returned, how much was addiction and how much was operation i have no idea.

As it turns out, it dosnt matter much, within 12 months my scans were showing scar tissue on the resection sites, they showed a narrowing. This is pretty unusual apparently and dosnt often happen that quickly.

In some ways it was unlucky, and in other ways it was lucky. it was lucky because it gave me a genuine reason to continue taking the meds. having been through withdrawal for a couple of days I didnt want to go back there.

those of you that have had a resection, you will understand why someone wouldnt want withdrawal after that kind of operation, so it gave me the perfect excuse to continue taking the drugs.

So now we jump forward nearly 8 years I guess, yes the narrowing is much much worse, yes the scar tissue is pretty bad around the resection, i cant say how bad, because my last colonoscopy or MRI scan was 12 months ago.

I refuse to go to them any more, I am aware I need another operation, I am aware its getting fairly urgent again, i am aware I am now in my early 50's. I am still a coward and this time I know exactly what its like to have a resection, i dont have any fond memories of it, and it didnt give me much relief for very long.

So all things considered I am in no rush to repeat it..............

Except a couple of things have changed this time, ALL my medication is from my GP, I have started to have monthly blood tests again, i am loosing weight again and this time more rapidly.

my little girl however asked me a question last week, she asked me if I loved her. i was utterly taken aback, you see she is a real daddies girl, and i utterly adore her.

But she is smart and now old enough not to fooled easily. So her full question is, dady if you loved me, why would you want to leave me. I have told her I am not going to leave her, but she says Obviously I am going to leave her, she says I look like her grandad before he died a couple of years ago.

What can I say, that little girl has hit me in my weakest spot. So whats this post about?

Well actually its about addiction, I cant go to my GP for help, many reasons for this.

I have looked into a private clinic etc, no way can I afford this. i have even spoke to my wife about it all. So next Monday is the start of my two holiday, I am coming off the drugs at home over a two week period. Then I am going back to the doctors and set things in motion for another operation.

So why the hell have i written all this?? Because I know by telling you this i have to go through with it, the reason for this will become clear in the next few days. I will also reveal my other username on here, I havnt used it for years, but it will fill in alot of the blanks for you.

The other reason is more simple, if any of what I have said applies to you as well, then PM me. I would prefer to do this with someone else, but i am prepared to do it alone. But above all else if your thinking of withdrawing soon, then feel free to contact me and we can do it together.

I am sorry if some of this is disjointed, I have already dropped my does by 30mg a day for the last 2 days. No real withdrawal yet, but I am a bit all over the place.

Anyone about to have surgery, dont be put off by my story, i did many many things wrong, most people dont get the ride I did. have the operation before you end up 15 mins from dead like I did.
10-12-2017, 07:24 AM   #2
badger
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Ok today I am feeling it, just a bit of flu like symptoms at the moment. main issue apart from feeling a bit rough, is my nose wont stop running!! its running enough to dehydrate me, so finally worked that out and started fluids, that helps a little.

My choice is to stop at this level for another day or so, or drop another 5mg tomorrow. At the moment I am inclined to drop another 5mg.

My reasoning is I am aware i cant avoid full withdrawal at some point, for many reasons a slow taper is no longer an option for me. So why stay in the flu stage longer than needed? I might as well carry on and stay on schedule.

If my post frightens you about taking opiates, then i got two things to tell you.

Two weeks every 6 months on them isnt going to put you where I am, 6 months on them is going to give you a bit of a rough ride, but tapering is an option. 2years plus on them is starting to go into hell.

That is a general guide only, but from the research i have done (loads and loads) its pretty accurate. Stay away from Oxycodone, i wont say publicly why, but its advice i would give someone I loved.
10-12-2017, 10:00 PM   #3
Lady Organic
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You are very courageous Badger. Thank you for the testimony and advice. My thoughts are with you for this challenging moment. Wishing you well
__________________
''UC-like Crohn's'' since 2001:
on: 25mg 6-MP (purinethol)+ B12 shots
minor hands/wrists chronic arthritis since 01/2013

Diet: ''IBD-AID'' : http://www.nutritionj.com/content/13/1/5+ organic food only
suppl Curcuminoid extract, Inulin,psyllium, apple pectin, Vitamin D

past meds:
pred 50mg, 5-ASA, cortifoam, Imuran (failed) Purinethol (success) methotrexate (failed CD and arthritis).
10-13-2017, 08:28 AM   #4
Jabee
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I just wanted to add my voice of support. Tapering off pain meds is extremely hard, especially when the pain is still present. Hoping the road isnít too rough.
10-13-2017, 10:31 AM   #5
badger
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Thank you both, i wont be posting much today. I will detail what is happening today soon as I can. But I am really sick today, the withdrawal has hit me like a truck.

phoned in sick for work, cant keep a coherent thought in my head. Will update soon as I can. Oh and while the CD pain is bad as well today, i cant feel it much. Staying hydrated is a real issue, i am sweating faster than I can replace.

The scary bit of all this is, I havnt stopped the meds completely yet, far from it. I have dropped the amount I take by 40mg a day! That is all I have done....

I have Valium on standby should I need it, but the whole point of being clean, is being clean!! My only exception is Buscopan, I need that as it really helps with CD pain.
10-13-2017, 08:32 PM   #6
cmack
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It takes a lot of courage to own up to your mistakes. I hope you are able to stop abusing pain killers and street drugs. I wish you well.
10-13-2017, 08:37 PM   #7
cmack
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Ok today I am feeling it, just a bit of flu like symptoms at the moment. main issue apart from feeling a bit rough, is my nose wont stop running!! its running enough to dehydrate me, so finally worked that out and started fluids, that helps a little.

My choice is to stop at this level for another day or so, or drop another 5mg tomorrow. At the moment I am inclined to drop another 5mg.

My reasoning is I am aware i cant avoid full withdrawal at some point, for many reasons a slow taper is no longer an option for me. So why stay in the flu stage longer than needed? I might as well carry on and stay on schedule.

If my post frightens you about taking opiates, then i got two things to tell you.

Two weeks every 6 months on them isnt going to put you where I am, 6 months on them is going to give you a bit of a rough ride, but tapering is an option. 2years plus on them is starting to go into hell.

That is a general guide only, but from the research i have done (loads and loads) its pretty accurate. Stay away from Oxycodone, i wont say publicly why, but its advice i would give someone I loved.
I cannot fully agree with you saying that people should stay away from oxycodone. I have taken it for extended periods before and have had some minor withdrawl symptoms, but taken as directed it is a miracle for pain relief. I think some people are more easily addicted and tempted to up the dosages. I believe responsible use is the solution.
10-13-2017, 09:11 PM   #8
ronroush7
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Agree.
10-13-2017, 10:09 PM   #9
badger
 
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I used it for a long time no problems, I am not an addictive person by nature. Having read a great deal on it, i would stand by what I said. IMHO morphine is safer.

But we are all different, and today I am not capable of reasoned debate. Today I am not capable of much
10-13-2017, 10:22 PM   #10
cmack
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That's okay. Feel better soon.
10-14-2017, 08:53 AM   #11
Beach
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Best of luck in overcoming your opiate pain medication addiction!

If you find yourself having to much difficulty handling the withdrawals, you might look up Dr. Meg Patterson's sight. Dr. Patterson developed a method to overcome drug addictions with minimal withdrawals being felt. She is best known for working with famous UK musicians and actors such as Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones, Eric Clapton, Pete Townshend of the Who, etc.

her web sight can be seen here:

http://www.drmeg.net/Home.htm
10-14-2017, 09:13 PM   #12
cmack
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Hey badger,

I'm sending you support. I hope you can feel better soon. One day at a time and you will make it.


Best regards,

Chris
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