Dating

[MsSickandTired]

Hey guys, I was wondering some general things about my fellow Crohnie's when it comes to dating... your feedback would be appreciated.

I'm a 27 yr old woman, recently divorced, looking to get back into the dating world. I was married when I was diagnosed, so I've never been single with Crohn's... how up front should I be with someone? Do you have examples in your life about how you told someone you were dating about Crohn's and the symptoms?

My situation is that I don't have any major scars or indications on my body that something is different... so I could end up hiding it because I am scared of their reaction. I'm just feeling so uncomfortable about this part of myself and am looking for ideas to help. Does having Crohn's make it harder to find someone?

Are any of you in a double-Crohn's situation where you and your partner have Crohn's and/or Colitis? What would that be like?

Ooooh and while I'm here - I'm picking up my first dose of Humira tomorrow!!

[Rob]

I'd say yea it makes it harder too date

seein I can't hardly leave the house lol

if they someone worth bein with then they should be understanding
otherwise your jus gonna be kidding yourself

just my opinion
good luck

[Fog Ducker]

I used to be really afraid and think who the hell would want me know??

But its all b.s!

Like Rob said anyone worth being with will not care, I have found being open and honest about it and not being ashamed at all is the best approach, although the hardest! I would wait untill you are comfortable with the person but not too long that its like you were trying to hide it. Because it really is nothing to hide. Just explain what it is to you how it affects you and that it is what it is.

Plus the sooner you bring it up and the more honest you are about it, the sooner you can stop having to hold in all thoes farts!!

[shazamataz]

Hmmm, I have been single since getting this. I'm not so worried about the disease itself as far as a partner goes. My issue is more the fatigue and so I don;t get out and about much. No good for meeting someone, nevermind having the energy for a new relationship!

[Rob]

Yea that is the worst part of bein single with this disease

not havin the energy to go out an meet new people an then when u do meet someone having the energy etc too go out annhav fin together

[Jeff D.]

Every girl I've told about Crohn's has either not cared about it or they got really interested and wanted me to tell them what's really going on. Once I had a girl ask me to drop my pants so she could see the scars on my butt.lol I guess it's different when in nursing school and girls are the only ones I talk to.lol I've asked them in all seriousness if they could date someone with Crohns and not one of them would have dumped someone just for having Crohns.

I wouldn't have a problem dating someone who had a disease that they could control, now if they could control it easily and it's medically proven that they could, not just what a random person heard on the street, then I may have to think about it if they aren't taking care of themselves.

[cwf5020]

I have had Crohns since highschool. I have always been backwards and shy, and my Crohns didnt help that. In college I started dating, and I have been dating the same girl for 2.5 years. She has been really really supportive to me and I dont know where I would be without her. At first I really didnt want to tell her I had Crohn's, and I actually didnt, my mom did. Turns out my girlfriends mom has Crohn's, so she knows what its like.

[merrywidow]

i personally be upfront and honest. i am single but i dont think i will be doing the dating thing again. sereveral reasons for this, but how do you explain to a new fella that you have a pouch let alone crohns?

[xX_LittleMissValentine_Xx]

This is a difficult thing i always think about. But I have just had to deal with going to uni and telling all my new friends about it, so i guess it would just be the same sort of thing. It shouldnt effect dating, but it is a worry tht wont go away.
x x x x

[Jettalady]

As my hubby always say, "Honesty is the best policy"! I agree , but it really shouldnt be the first thing you talk about, let them get to know you. When I told my hubby when I first met him, I wasnt ill at the time and was looking pretty good at that time. He loved me anyways and then I got sick, and he has been so loving and caring. You have to know their character. Like if you go to a restaurant and the guy looks at every girl walking by, that is a sign he isnt for you. Been there done that! Good luck! It is hard to be single and be ill.

[Nyx]

When I met my boyfriend I wasn't ill, I had this disease but wasn't having any problems at that time. I told him upfront about the disease and what it may entail. We've been together for almost 3 years now, and he's seen me through my surgery and being sick and tired and grumpy! If they care about you, they'll understand and be supportive.

@merrywidow...I don't know how I'd explain to a new person that I have a bag. I'd probably just come out and tell them, especially if it was getting serious. It's a part of life, don't cut yourself off from the possibility of having a relationship just because you have a bag. Besides, the farting from the belly kind of gives it away! lol (that's the best part for me...makes people look at you funny!)

[CrohnsHobo]

I have always been very up front about it and have told people from the beginning. If they can't deal with it then I want to know now, not 6 months from now. I don't need those people in my life.

[Mountaingem]

I found that being upfront about it weeds out the losers;that being said when I was dating I didn't share everything at once. I made sure the person I was with was caring and worth opening up to. As things progressed with my now husband I shared everything and thank God he was and is very supportive.

[CrohnsHobo]

I have no shame, so I am usually pretty open and blunt about everything.

[Mountaingem]

That's cool-I really admire your positive attitude. I try to be more open with people, it's just sometimes I've had people react so badly (even in my family)it intimidated me from being as open as I would like to be.

[CrohnsHobo]

Well I have had 14 years of Crohn's to get used to it, reflect on it, and shape my personality.

[rygon]

Its not something you can change so why worry. Tell him when you feel ready and dont make a big deal of it. If he likes you he will read up on it and support you, if not then youre better with someone else.

[Pirate]

I haven't had a date in so long that I forgot what they were until recently. Janis says I'm to old to date anyway. So she said she'll find somebody younger to date.lol

Be honest. What is it going to hurt. Like everyone says if they care they won't mind.

[Rob]

Can always date a fellow crohnie lol
least they would be understanding

[soupdragon69]

I met my fiance online.

I was concerned about who would really want to take me on with so many health problems and restricted in getting out and about at times.

Duncan also has health issues and has several surgeries for different things coming up. He too suffers tiredness and lethargy - between us we are a right pair!! LOL

We prop each other up when one isnt having such a good day. Yesterday for instance I was so exhausted every time I got up I had to go back to bed. He made my food for work in the evening and even went to the shop to get something I might actually eat as I couldnt face anything during the day.

He has been at most of my hospital appointments and I go to his when I can.

In all honesty my quality of life has improved dramatically because I have someone to help me through the physical every day things, someone to rebound off emotionally and mentally. I no longer feel like I am struggling up hill every second of the day.

I am very much a glass half full person and just get on with things. Now I can relax because I have someone who loves me as I am - and me him - who doesnt throw a tantrum because I cant go out so much at times and is patient if I have to go to the loo 40 times when we are out! ;-)

In the last few weeks I have seen a pain management consultant who suggested I go to a specialist course to help with chronic pain. Duncan sat down and watched the DVD when I asked him to. When I asked what he thought he said "do you think it will help you?" I said yes. His immediate answer was "then you must do it". He knows it involves 15 days away from home with overnight stays across a 4 wk timespan. He also told me not to worry about getting there as he will drive me up and down to London. Its about a 2-2.5hr drive from where we live and he is waiting for a hip replacement! He is insistent he drive me so its less stress for me rather than the train as I hate trains but would cope if I needed to use one! LOL

If you truly want someone in your life dont ever give up the hope or the search. I did the online dating thing because I could meet up where suited ME, when I felt well enough to cope and it meant no pressure. We actually ended up with a whirlwind romance, have been together 18mths now - I moved in last October and are planning the wedding for the 3rd week of Sept this year! LOL

Happy? Very much so despite both our health problems. I have no idea how I managed to end up with such a wonderful man but as the folks have already said, if they truly care about you the crohns wont matter whatever degree/phase you are in at the time of it.

[Rob]

Glad too hear it worked out well for you Jan

havin someone who understands is what everyone needs

[Cackman888]

I got diagnosed with crohns in oct/nov 09 and me girlfriend got diagnosed as Coeliac just last week. trying times for us both........

I totally agree with the honesty is the best policy, if your date turns up ther nose then its time you wernt ther. life is too short....

Good luck with it...

[Astra101]

Hiya Mssickandtired
My name is Joan and I'm new here and having such a laugh! Diagnosed in 2005 after over 15 years of misdiagnosis and a total hysterctomy.
I was with my husband for 28 years and sick for most of that, he was always shouting at me for being ill! Anyway 2 years ago I threw him out, filed for divorce, left my old house, got a new house, soooo moved on!
I joined Match.com last year and met the most amazing, gorgeous, caring supportive man I've ever known, wished I'd have met him 20 years ago!
I'm shameless, I told him from the off, leaky arses, farting, big belly (with a scar like a map of Wigan) He adores me, ills and woes, and we've been together 9 months now!
If the person is the right one, and it was meant to be, it's gonna happen babe
never thought in a million years I would have the courage, the strength, the confidence or the balls to do wot I did!
good luck x

[Jettalady]

Astra, I admire your courage! I was the same way, last one booted him out millienum year and (he was caught cheating too) and found the love of my life which we will be together 10 years this April. I too wished I found him earlier. However we both realized that you have to experience pitfalls so you appreciate a good one when he comes along.

Honesty is the best policy!

[merrywidow]

there is a website for dating people that have stomas its www.meetanostomate.com/

[Astra101]

Hi Pen!
Yeah wot a waste of years! but it's sooooooooo yesterday, onwards and upwards, not dwellin on it, there's a reason he didn't make it into my future!
and well done you for finding the courage too and finding new love! I'm gonna be 47 this year and my new boyf is only 38! yay! Nowt like a Toyboy to keep ya mind off crohnies!
lotsa luv x

[merrywidow]

Originally Posted by Nyx

@merrywidow...I don't know how I'd explain to a new person that I have a bag. I'd probably just come out and tell them, especially if it was getting serious. It's a part of life, don't cut yourself off from the possibility of having a relationship just because you have a bag. Besides, the farting from the belly kind of gives it away! lol (that's the best part for me...makes people look at you funny!)

i have a blind freind, and i didnt tell them about fred (stoma) and one day fred decieded to fart. the look of confusion on my freinds face was brilliant. you could see that look of, "where is that noise coming from? and what is that noise?"

[Nyx]

lol@merrywidow....gotta love the farting!!

[Agent X20]

Originally Posted by Jettalady

However we both realized that you have to experience pitfalls so you appreciate a good one when he comes along.

Totally agree with that. I've known the lovely Mrs SJ for 9 years ago, but if we'd met 30 years ago who knows what would have happened. Everything's all right now, and I wouldn't want to mess with a winning formula