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View Poll Results: Has IBD affected your relationships in a negative way
Yes, it has affected them negatively 31 55.36%
No, it IBD has not affected my relationships 12 21.43%
IBD has STRENGTHENED my relationships 13 23.21%
Voters: 56. You may not vote on this poll

 
03-13-2010, 08:52 AM   #1
Kirsty Smith
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Relationships and IBD

Hi just wondered if any of you had any relationship troubles along the way with this disease . . . if you pushed your partner away? had trouble getting people to understand? had enough of whats going on and spoke to people like crap? feel you changed? or have you had to end relationships cos the basics of someone else's stresses are too much for you? Any answers will help?
03-13-2010, 09:14 AM   #2
Misty-Eyed
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I somehow end up in long distance relationships. Apparently it's easier because then I don't have to deal with my crohn's so much with them. But then they end up failing anyway because of the distance. You have no idea how much I miss physical contact with someone. Maybe I should try and get out more to meet people. I also tend to go for insecure people, which doesn't help.

I've never really had problems with people trying to understand my illness from a physical point of view. A lot don't really understand what effects the disease has had mentally on me, especially from what I went through when I was very young.
03-13-2010, 09:35 AM   #3
Kirsty Smith
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im in a long distance realtionship with my girlfriend it makes it harder in that sense because i cant see what mood shes in i have to tell from her voice or text, we been together for five years and shes on the verge of possibly geting diagnosed at any time. I feel as if she is slipping away from me and this disease is sucking her in little bit by little bit, shes more angry, more short fused, more less udnerstadning, more stubborn, sometimes i feel as if i should take it if she talks to me like c rap because she is ill . . . and i can take her moods up until a certain point. i mean shes amazing its jst latley where its been rlli bad it takes a knock on effect . . . i need help understadning or something . . . . . i feel alone.
03-13-2010, 09:36 AM   #4
Kirsty Smith
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is it worth having a realtionship if it causes stress for the person suffereing from the illness?
03-13-2010, 09:42 AM   #5
Rob
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I don't think there should be stress or tension in any relationship period - weather your sick or not

crohns isn't the best thing too have while attempting too date or start a relationship etc
I'm currently single and prob will be for some time
dating etc isn't on my high priority list, too hard with flares etc
plus can't dissapoint ya partner when u miss out on doing things cos ur sick
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Now on Vedolizumab MLN0002 - woohoo!! Hope this works
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Tried remicade and didn't work
03-13-2010, 09:42 AM   #6
Rob
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I don't think there should be stress or tension in any relationship period - weather your sick or not

crohns isn't the best thing too have while attempting too date or start a relationship etc
I'm currently single and prob will be for some time
dating etc isn't on my high priority list, too hard with flares etc
plus can't dissapoint ya partner when u miss out on doing things cos ur sick
03-13-2010, 09:47 AM   #7
Kirsty Smith
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very true, they aint always easi tho r they. . . . and sumtimes stres and tention is inevitable. i hope u get better soon guys
03-13-2010, 09:48 AM   #8
ChefShazzy
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the stress of my illness definitely contributed to my exhusband and i splitting up... i guess it could go either way, either bring you together or split you apart.... i find it extremely difficult now to date because i have so little energy and most days i just don't feel well enough to go out.
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03-13-2010, 09:52 AM   #9
Kirsty Smith
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sorry to hear that, my girlfriends like that she has no energy half of the time where she used to be so engergetic i know she hates it. its amazing at the emotions that accompany the disease, would never have imagined they would at first.
03-13-2010, 09:56 AM   #10
Rob
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I don't think there should be stress or tension in any relationship period - weather your sick or not

crohns isn't the best thing too have while attempting too date or start a relationship etc
I'm currently single and prob will be for some time
dating etc isn't on my high priority list, too hard with flares etc
plus can't dissapoint ya partner when u miss out on doing things cos ur sick
03-13-2010, 10:23 AM   #11
Astra
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I believe that my relationship with my ex ended because of my illness, we drifted apart because he didnt believe me, wouldn't listen, wouldn't help or support etc.
And I have to say, I didn't help neither, I have a mouth on me, and was moody and miserable, and in pain etc, so it festered on and on-arguments galore!
I believe if you really love someone, and worship the ground they walk on, you would jump thro hoops to support that person, alas, mine didn't, he was such a soul sucker, so for my own well being, I dumped him, after 28 years.
My advice, my pearls of wisdom?
TALK!
Effective communication is the key to success
Tell her how YOU feel, and then LISTEN to what she's got to say and how she feels, after 5 years, you still have a lot going for you both.
wishing you both good luck
Joan xx
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Joan

Dx Crohn's in TI 2005 symptoms for 15 years prior

BEEN ON -Azathioprine, 6MP, Prednisolone, Pentasa, Budesonide, Metronidazole, Humira, Methotrexate,

NOW ON -Amitriptyline 25mg
21/02/14 Right hemicolectomy surgery




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No-one should make you feel inferior without your consent!

03-13-2010, 11:07 AM   #12
Kirsty Smith
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thank joan xx im tyrin gto do everything i can to support her but if i give an answer its not the one she wants it aint good enuf . . . :-( i try to listen and to talk but its like what i say is shit to her! im banging my head agasint a brick wall i raint perfect and i cant agrevate sumtimes i admite that but this stupid horrible thing is sucking her away day after fuking day and we aint working together to over come it its breaking us apart and i rlli dnt want that.
03-13-2010, 12:14 PM   #13
ang_gen
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U know,i think my illness has really affected my marriage.I am really pulling away from my husband.I feel like im not as confident as I used to be.I also feel like he dont understand what I am going through, and thinks I am making alot of it up and being a baby about it.I have alot of resentment twards him right now.BUT..he is my husband and we will work through it.I do know one thing for sure and that is that he loves me.When you are suffering from an illness, the best medicine is somebody that loves you.So I think the work is totally worth it.That is why they put "through sickness and in health" in wedding vows!
03-13-2010, 12:45 PM   #14
Kirsty Smith
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you know i htink your realli right, if you love someone with evrythign then you stick with them through whatever no matter how hard or how rough you fight through it together. I'll stick with my girlfriend through anyting that comes out way, it wont be easy but if it was easy then it wouldnt be worth the fight.

this disease is horrible physically, and emoitonally too it really pulls people all over the place, i cnt begin to imagine how i would feel going through it all. my girlfriend is more beautiful than ever to me than the day i met her, i love her more wit every kiss and hug and i wouldnt ever be without her. she will probabaly end up reading this because she comes on this site a lot, i might get shouted at lol . . . or i may not however you guys that have to live everyday with chrons or uc and all its side effects really are amazing anf brave, and although your loved ones who aren't sufering the same as you ight not understand to the full extent they're there for those vital hugs you needs, those words of support and those times to hold you hand and times may get hard but i bet you any money your partners still love you and fancy you like crazy. :-) and i love you alwyas and forever to the very very end of time.
03-13-2010, 06:12 PM   #15
Astra
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There you go, you're on the right tracks!
I believe that once your girlfriend gets a definate diagnosis and a gastro and on the right meds, she will start to overcome her fears, it is the not knowing what is the matter with her that is frightening the life out of her. the only person that she can vent that frustration and resentment at, is you, I'm afraid.This is one helluva scary disease!
Your girl is very lucky, in some respect, that she has someone as caring and loving as you, and although you are doing the right thing by talking, I'm afraid you're gonna have to bite your lip, and ride this storm,
It is hard for the other partner to really understand any of this disease, and I'm sure you've read up on all the info on Crohns or UC? Have a nosey round the forum.
I didn't get a diagnosis for 15 years, and really was in a dark place and lost.
I'm sure once she has her diagnosis, things will change for the better, and I'm also sure she would rather have you in her life than be alone with Crohns.
Hang on in there, there is light at the end of this tunnel
Joan xx
03-14-2010, 12:52 AM   #16
Justicexhaze
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Sadly my second wife left me the day after I got out of the hospital from my second resection. She told me she just couldn't deal with it any more. It was devastating. That was 11 years ago. I have had crohn's since I was 7 and I am 44 now. My current wife is a RN and understands the disease, she also referred me to a good psychiatrist. My anger was overwhelming and had been brewing for years. Even now with the help I find myself pushing away from people. I guess it helps that she works the night shift. I am very comfortable by myself...yet there are days I hate feeling so alone. Make up my mind right? Well...that's how it is...push and pull. Not sure if that helps or not. Now I understand that my anger has nothing to do with her...and I am able to tell her that I am not in a good place right now and she gives me room...sometimes that is just enough for me to come around. Sometimes it takes longer. I hid my depression for a long time, until my wife caught me crying in the shower. That's what broke it wide open. Be there for them..but don't be their punching bag either. Allow them to be angry but not at you...it is a difficult disease physically and mentally. Understand you can't fix them but you can be there for support. Hope this helps a little...I just know I am lucky to have found someone who really gets it.
03-14-2010, 09:35 AM   #17
Astra
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Ha Ha Basketcase!
been there, done that, got LOADS of T shirts!
All you need is love, love is all you need! good old John Lennon
Also, being a junkie doesn't help does it? Some of the meds we're on really mess with your pyche

Hey Justice!
there's a reason your second wife didn't make it into your future, so glad you're happy now tho
Weird isn't it how we want to be alone, but not alone? And giving each other space is the success to a good relationship, I think. just til you 'come out of it'
I have finally found a new partner, one who 'gets it' and it's fab, don't want him to be my crutch, just understand, and he does

besta luck to you both
Joan
xx
03-14-2010, 09:58 AM   #18
kenny
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It's just been one more log on the fire for me. Same S#1t different cause.

I think it is all about how we deal with adversity and challenges more than how we deal with "Crohn's" I don't know if being a female makes it more difficult for intimacy, but I do know that being a jerk sometimes just comes with the whole being born thing and we have to work with what we got, some of us morso that others
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03-14-2010, 10:49 AM   #19
Pirate
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I don't care if your just starting a relationship, been in one long term, just married or married forever, CD causes problems. Pain, anxiety, depression, anger, fear, insecurities and doubt are just a few that I have ecperianced. Doesn't matter if you haven't yet been diagnosed or you have had it for 30 yrs, your partner normally gets the brunt of your feelings. Depending on the person is how well they handle our feelings and moods. Even the best partner will have a breaking point. Words tend to be said at times that aren't really meant and someone gets hurt by them.
Maybe she is just lonely and the fear and depression is just getting to her and because you are apart she is lashing out when she really just would like to have you there to comfort her. Maybe she wishes you where there to be able to hold her and and give her words of encouragement and to have you there to stand by her as she goes through all the tests and bad spells she is experiancing. What type of support does she have where she's at?
Good luck and stay strong.
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03-21-2010, 07:09 PM   #20
Lydia
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I am lucky my husband has a sense of humor and he thinks that farts are funny. lol.

He also doesnt let me feel too sorry for myself which helps.
03-21-2010, 07:25 PM   #21
kenny
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I push people away. I clam up and retreat inside myself. I get angry and take it out on people close to me.

but what i am trying to say is I will tend to get like that with all life's unpleasant challenges, not just Crohn's. Its something I have to always try and work to improve and keep in check. Thats what I meant by, "its more than just a Crohn's thing". Its a whole life kind of thing. We all have to deal with it to some degree now and then.
03-22-2010, 01:58 AM   #22
Mountaingem
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Between constant pain and being on steroids for the better part of 10 years, I know Crohn's has definitely effected my relationships, esp. my marriage. Fortunately my husband is a real gem. He is patient and tries to understand what I'm feeling, which isn't easy for sure.
I can really relate to Kenny, I was exactly the same-pushing people away, clamming up and taking it out on people I love. I've had to make a conscious effort to be aware of my moods and I try to explain how I feel now.
You can't be too hard on yourself, just take relationships one day at a time. I try to apologize right away if I realize I'm being a turkey. Just recently I was so mean to my best friend, telling him off and in the middle of my rant he hugged me and said, "It's O.K. I know this isn't you." and it just cut me so deep because it really pi**es me off to think this disease can control me.
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03-22-2010, 02:55 AM   #23
Angee
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I know that me having Crohns ended my first marriage, When I first started getting sick and no one could figure out what was wrong, I would go to the Dr's and the ER in pain all the time and they basically acted like I was faking it, Well my husband never came right out and said he thought I was faking it but his actions were proof enough, I remember so clearly days where I would be balled up on the floor crying and begging him to take me to the ER I hurt so badly, and he would get mad at me for making him take time out of his day to take me, we got in fights all the time because the kids would need something and I would be balled up on the couch in pain and ask him to do it, and he would look at me like how dare I ask him to stop doing what he was doing when I was basically laying there doing nothing, well after I got a abscess and it busted He took me to the ER that night and then next morning they removed it, then the surgeon came in and told me I had Crohns and if he didnt operate more I was going to die that day, That day he took most of my colon out and so much more that its too long to go into, But after the surgery when I woke up my husband started crying and telling me how sorry he was for not believing me, AT that point though the damage was already done, I was to angry with him and resented him to much for all that he did and didnt do during that time...But all in all it was a good thing, I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world, He is very supportive of what happens with me, He knows when I need pampering and he knows when I just need to be left alone, But no matter waht he is ALWAYS by my side helping me fight this battle of Crohns.
03-22-2010, 04:35 AM   #24
Astra
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Way to go Angee!

Mirror image of my marriage, but they've gone now, they are sooooo yesterday!
lotsa luv
Joan xx
03-31-2010, 10:26 AM   #25
blah161
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My god after reading all that is there no hope? Was there one positive answer there at all? I had some trouble with boyfriend for a while when i was at my worst. He is probably the most patient person I have ever met and we worked through it. I'm only 18 and I probably don't know much about the world, but I think all above is just too pesimistic. I realised that me constantly being sorry for myself wasn't doing me any good. You have to grin and bear it!
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Robyn

Diagnosed July 2009 with "the earliest case of Crohn's they had ever seen.

On Pentasa, singulair, seratide, ventolin, acidophillus, super multi vits.

03-31-2010, 01:49 PM   #26
Rob
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Possibly Robyn

but as ya get older relationshis tend to take on a diffrent meaning

kids, bills, house mortgage etc all hav a big toll on relationships
also as people get older they tend to look at themselves an sometime question what they are doing or hav achieved etc
unfortunatly as you hav read above some people look at what they are doing an what they hav done etc an aren't happy or are scared with where they are headed or believed to be headed with a person with a cronic dissabilatating disease like ours, and decide it easier or better to split

not everyone is like that but as you have heard/read there are alot, it doesn't mean there isn't hope, just not hope with every relationship - a bit like normal relationships really, except crohnies just hav another hurdle to deal with
03-31-2010, 02:06 PM   #27
CrohnsHobo
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It is not all bad Blah. In my 15 years of Crohn's I have not had any relationship issues due to the disease.

I have always put it out there early. If they can't deal at least I know off the bat. My current relationship will be four years this year. Half that time I was in a flare up, just now getting back to normal. Just takes a lot of understanding from the other person which some people just can't deal with.
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Past Failed Treatments:
Prednisone
Remicade
Asacol/Lialda
6 MP
Cipro/Flagyl
Humira
Methotrexate
Cimzia
Azothiropine
Entyvio
Augmentin
Stelara
03-31-2010, 02:24 PM   #28
Astra
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Robyn

You've got a lot to learn young Jedi
03-31-2010, 02:25 PM   #29
Lydia
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My husband has never seen me on pred before. He has seen the worst of it now and is confident he can weather the storm. Its a learning curve. He puts our daughter first and I love him for it. He takes her for a walk or something when I seem in a bad mood or if I am crying from the pred.

It does help that we set ourselves up to live off a single income. It takes a lot of pressure off of me. We made some sacrifices to be able to do this. We live in a modest home, own only one vehicle, all of our furniture and appliances are second hand, but we make it work and we are happy as a result.

Any money I make, we use for extras, like vacations, new stuff for the house, etc. My daughter is happy as a result too. Me staying at home with the kids was an important thing for both my husband and I. I am educated and I used to be an analytical chemist back when I had a career. I love being a mom and wouldnt trade this "career" for the world.

Anyway my point was that because I dont have to worry about other things like bills, mortgage, etc, it makes it easier to focus on myself and getting help for any issues mental or physical that may come up as a result of this disease.

My husband is supportive and he knows what this disease can do as he has seen the massive scars on my belly. He did have to think about it when we first started dating. He is in it for the long haul. It also helps that he has a lot of time off from his job. He works 4 days on and gets 5 days off. We spend a lot of time together and we get along great. We both share a lot of the same hobbies, which also helps. He truly is my best friend.

Last edited by Lydia; 03-31-2010 at 02:28 PM.
03-31-2010, 06:23 PM   #30
David in Seattle
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My symptoms started about 15 months ago. At that point, my wife and I had been together for about 8 years, married about 5. I have not been officially diagnosed but my most recent GI (my 3rd) is leaning towards "mild Crohn's". Mild is a relative term, but I do know whatever I have is not nearly as severe as what many of you have suffered with. At least so far. For me, the disease came after feeling lousy every day for 30 years from FMS, so it likely hit me mentally much harder than it might have had I been well all my life up to this point. The prospect of having to deal with "yet another" condition was (is) fairly depressing to me, and no doubt this made me a bit less than pleasant to be around at times (depressed, angry), though I always went out of my way to make it clear to my wife that I appreciated her support & was never upset with her or US. Justice mentions his wife finding him crying in the shower; when it began to be clear my sadness over this latest condition was having an adverse effect on my wife, I took to going out in the garage to cry, something which I eventually revealed to her. If she had told me she was driven to such a thing because of suffering which she had no control over, and because of my callous response to it, I would have been absolutely crushed and ashamed of myself. She did not respond at all. Long story short, about 6 months ago, we BOTH sat in the office of my 2nd GI & heard him say "I'm not sure what it is at this point, but it could be Crohn's disease or a tumor". 4 days after that, I got a call from my wife from the airport, where I THOUGHT she had gone for a business trip, telling me she was leaving me. That was it. No warning. No discussion. No options. Just RUN. In the ensuing 6 months, I've talked to her about 5 minutes on the phone & we have exchanged a handful of emails, mostly about the particulars of the divorce. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that this woman, who works for a non-profit organization which lobbies for disadvantaged children, could have been capable of such cold indifference to someone who had been nothing but kind to her and whose only crime was falling victim to a disease. To make matters worse, my health insurance is through her job, and it is now in jeopardy (in fact, the new insurer, Cigna, is threatening to cut me off already as a "pre-existing condition". All you Aussies, Canadians, Brits and others with similar universal health care schemes, no doubt your systems aren't perfect, but consider yourselves LUCKY!)

So to someone like Robyn who's just starting out, I wish you all the luck in the world, and I don't want to seem to be talking down to you, but there's a reason people tend to get more cynical with age, and it's not because the "milk of human kindness" flows in torrents. Some are luckier than others, there ARE selfless, decent people out there. But in my experience anyway, they are the rare exception, rather than the rule.

Last edited by David in Seattle; 03-31-2010 at 07:07 PM.
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