I think a healthy sex life is essential to anyone's overall well being. It's a little bit of icing on the cake of life. Was a time when the notion that people naturally lose their taste for icing as they age was the natural state of things. Research has shown that this just isn't the case.. So, if your libido has gone away, it could be the result of many factors.. Hormonal changes brought about by stress or life situations, your health, or the mental image of your body post surgery. These are all commonplace, but they don't have to mean that you can't someday experience the joy of sex again (and many would say the health benefits of a good sex life)..
When I hear someone, anyone, use the phrase 'doing the deed', it somehow evokes the conception of a pre-illness thought process that wasn't comfortable with the idea of sex to begin with.. It certainly strikes me as neither romantic or passionate phraseology.. More like someone was describing a household chore..
I could be reading a whole lot more into that phrase than was ever intended, but it might bear looking into. I just know that sexual release can do wonders for our body and spirit. The endorphins released thru sex have the power to release us from pain far better than any prescription drug, and the memory of good sex lifts our spirits when things turn against us far better than any pep talk any doctors are able to give. It seems shortsighted to pass up all of those positive benefits IF there are reasonable work arounds. For instance.. OK, one is feeling sick & tired. Perhaps a massage would help.. Done with no preconceived notion or sentiment that it must lead to sex. Can that person and their partner accept those terms? If yes, then there are specific positions.. these are called 'non demand positions' or NDP for short. The concept is that they allow for non sexual contact in a way that prevents it escalating to sexual activity without both partners being in agreement.
A simple massage can escalate to a sensual massage, a sensual massage may also escalate to sexual activity, but it doesn't necessarily have to. You get it? The physical contact without the fear or thought that it MUST lead to sex can & often does re-ignite the libido.. and if it doesn't do that immediately, then it can simply re-establish the good feelings, the bond that ties us to a partner, or them to us, a serious illness can undermine.. Like, is holding hands a sexual activity? No, but it can sometimes be just the thing that leads to it. OK, so maybe it's not just that a person isn't feeling well physically. Maybe they no longer find their body image an attractive one. Or maybe their partner doesn't. Regardless of gender, lots of folks
have issue with this, just as part of the normal aging process. Face it, even if you didn't have this disease, time can play havoc with ones personal appearance, and that can play havoc with ones feeling of self worth, attractiveness, and appeal. If you or a partner are facing this, then there are coping strategies to get past it. If you think you are presently unattractive, then deal with that, but not for a sexual basis only. Feed your id. Find something, anything, that makes you look better in your minds eye. If you don't feel good about your appearance on a day by day basis, how can you expect to feel good when nite time rolls around. Do that first. There have been days when I didn't feel like even getting out of bed.. and if I had allowed myself to, I probably wouldn't. But, that's the 1st step of a bad downward spiral.. so I ALWAYS found a way to get up, shave, shower, brush both teeth and hair.. Voila! No 'magic' transformation, but I did look better that when I first contemplated not getting up, and I felt better about myself as a consequence. Ok, so in the bedroom, one is self conscietous about the scars, or the incision, or whatever. turn the lites out. we're all pretty equal in the dark. It's just a starting point. Every little bit helps. Work your way up to candlelight, but at your own pace/comfort level. Maybe your partner has a problem? One may assume that he/she finds your scars, incisions, whatever ugly or unattractive. That may be the case, if so it's their problem. However, it may be a reflection of the importance we give to our scars, whatever. Or it may be that a partner sees those... and is reminded that this painful event in our lives was something they were powerless to prevent. That can be a painful observation for someone who truly loves us. I recall when one of my children had a nasty fall, resulting in a long incision.. It healed, and for a while my child did their best to hide the scar, but it was something they eventually came to accept as part of themselves. As for me, whenever I see it, it reminds me that despite my best efforts and my promises to the almighty to look after my children forever as a gift the lord had bestowed to me, I was unable to prevent it. I'm glad my son isn't scarred internally by his scar,
and as for me, I've just added it to my list of failings as a parent.. But I cope with it
A partner who can't see past your scars, or whatever. Time does heal all, but in the interim, what about using a blindfold? It can be magical, if for the moment one can lose sight of the method behind the madness. Think of it as a chance to lose yourself (with your own hangups) and your partner (with theirs) in a spirit of adventure, mystique, intrigue. Everyone puts on a blindfold, plays catch as catch can, is allowed to indulge their fantasies.. adopt the names of movies stars, etc..
Figures from romance novels, (just not the neighbours, or past relationships,OK?)
or whomever. lose yourself in the fantasy, don't concentrate on your life or issues.
Just a few thoughts from an ol fart. I'm not saying that sex is essential to life, but it is elemental. Tossing it away without giving it a chance to remain an element of ones life seems a bit shortsighted. There may come a day when it leaves forever.
when I became very ill I just couldnt stand the thought of being touched let alone have "relations".. that and being in a pretty blah relationship really took a lot out of me. I swore I would never be with anyone ever again.. no thanks. but things do get better 