:((((((( (sorry...another vent..having a hard time)

21 PILLS A DAY GRRRRRRRRRRRR
need to just write
depressed.
this dumb being sick.
the burning-my dr tells me-is most likely not even acid reflux or anything related--it is probably nerve-related--which is why the ativan helps with the horrible strong chronic heartburn(usually from 11 am-11 pm-food/whatever does not play a role--it is just always there)-unless i take 1 ativan at 7 am (i can drive after taking only 1) /2 ativans at 11/ and 2 at 3 and ambien at 7 (never get to sleep til like 4 hours after i take the ambien anyway) also.. still take aciphex 20 2x day -even tho the heartburn may not be related to acid. but..til i see dr when i hopefully get this pillcam done..i can move forward.
on the heartburn he mentioned that i need to talk w my psychiatrist..see about meds like elavil or something like that. but dont want to go on any new major meds til i get the pillcam results. why start something and have it not work well with the other stuff if needed.."IF" limbo---that is what is aggravating here.....
in the meantime i am still waiting for my dumb insurance to approve a test i need (pillcam)-to see if the inflammation in the terminal ileum is in remission--not inflamed-and/or if there are any other areas of inflammation in the small bowel that couldnt be seen / gotten to via the colonoscopy.
once i get this test done-my dr will know if the pentasa is working well enough -and that i dont need other meds like 6mp or remicade. also-whether or not i can get off the entocort (crohn's specific steroid)i have been on it 8 weeks already and just started into week 9.
also: lower ab cramps.
some fatigue.
even my vision has been a bit "off" (doubling at times) --which is an offshoot of crohn's for some people.
as for cramps: my dr said i probably have ibs as well as ibd (crohn's)
and that this is not uncommon.
fine...but it sucks.
another "thing"
he called in some med for the "ibs-stuff"-forget the name-something like liprox--for cramps etc.
then-there are my usual meds --prozac concerta (for add/depression) and birth control pills.
i still don't eat much at all. had 3 scramble eggs yesterday. that's it--except for the 2 or 3 bottle of ensure.
i miss food.
i feel yucky most days-..sometimes mornings are ok--but..man..when will this -all these things-go into some sort of remission>??
it is so frustrating and it plays on my depression.
or..maybe it isn't "depression"--but i do feel discouraged at times.
yeah-i've been a little active. got to studio a few times. work here at apt. been to visit my parents.
but havent seen friends
i cancel usually because i feel "off"
or have to go to dr.
such a *&^*^*& mess.
i know..i know..it is all a matter of finding the meds that work
i did JUST get dx'ed 2 months ago..
i know i need to be patient-
i am still able to work here-
but-i am losing it
i usually can ignore it if i dont feel well and just go about my day--but this is different..
it isn't so easy.
i am not one to give in to this crap.
but..
sometimes fighting makes me upset-and want it all better now
not later
i need to let myself know the next bit of time...
what?
i dont know
i miss friends
maybe it's time to see people even if i feel yucky..
i have been bad at this.
at accepting it
at dealing with it
i need to accept it--
i mean REALLY accept it
accept that it may take time til i get meds that work-and that there will be times when the crohn's can get worse and/or go into flare-and i;'ll need to find new meds all over. and accept it is not just the crohn's but also this and this and that and...oh..just--a true drag
'but--i need to learn to know how much i can/cant do RIGHT NOW
and..i need to try to eat.
i love food
but this thing has me so so messed up.\\

i miss full time work the most--and just being wild and living. i am not good at this resting stuff. ( but--feel too crappy to do too much..if i push it-it seems to come back at me..like 2 days ago: studio0running around --good day--yesterday..cramps burning loose stools and low grade fever. yeah..not in the hospital-so-it could be much worse--i know this..but--just

i hope no one here think all i do is complain..i hate being like this..
anyway..just needed to vent..
just..
get things out

Hey xrayzerase,

I hope it feels better just to get everything out there. I know what it is like to be down and out, but you have to remember that this is only temporary and things will get better soon. You can not let yourself get angry, depressed or stressed, as this can lead to your feeling worse. You really need to try and stay calm. Try watching funny tv shows or movies, or just talking to friends or family on the phone. If you want to, tell them how you are feeling. But just try and connecting to others should help.

Also diet-wise, it is important you are getting enough to eat (or drink). You will likely require at least 4 ensure's a day to get adequate calories and nutrition (speak to your doctor about this though). It is important that you provide your body the fuel it needs to allow you to have energy. It can also ensure that you are not as sad/depressed.

Just keep going though as I promise you that things will get better in the future. The wait may not be easy, but it is definately worth it!

Hey xrayzerase,

Listen to what Mike said. Getting depressed is so hard to get out of. Try to meditate if you can as it will help to calm your mind down a bit. Even though you don't think you can or want to eat you have to force it. I remember and still have trouble doing it but you really need to in order to get better. Try to relieve the stress and calm your mind.

Good luck, keep going strong

Just popped in to give you a big {{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}

Hope things are amazingly better very soon!