Vent on pain meds--pissed off. (sorry to be so "down")

vent on pain meds--pissed off. (sorry to be so "down")

did a little work. errands. but now feel very ill.
oh well-soon it'll go better-just got to keep pushing myself.
called my dr-said i shouldn't take 3 vicodin a day-too much-and the longer i take it-the harder it will be to get off it (as if i know nothing about drug addiction!!!) whatever. i'll try it. i have about 11 vicodin left til i see him for the infusion in 2 weeks. since i will be without much vicodin-i plan to lay low til i go to ny for the infusion-and he is doing more bloodwork-to see if i need the evil 6mp added to my med list. he also may up my ativan dose. who knows.
i am a bit pissed about the vicodin. i KNOW what addiction is. i am NOT addicted. i truly need it now. but i will try. i'll trsut him -and see. i'll take the immodium. i'll continue with the ativan and librax--but he has NO IDEA. yeah--he is a dr-knows TONS more than i do-but he DOES NOT LIVE IT. i try to go w/o the vicodin-like today-and had trouble. not just pain but MANY stools-(sorry-gross) and felt very ill. NO-it is not "withdrawl"-i asked him to give me credit for knowing the difference.
trust me--i DO NOT want to go through drug addiction/withdrawl again.
besides-i am probably more addicted to the dumb steroids which he thinks i will do ok to taper off quickly-because i am now on remicade.
yeah.
well-we'll see.
i DO trust him--but i am a little pissed about this pain med crap.
i was planning to be on the vicodin until i at least reach a "LIVEABLE REMISSION"--he may know what that means in dr-medical terms--but in REAL LIFE disease terms--wtf???
right now-once i got home not too long ago-i took one of the last 4 (now 3 left) endocets i had. stronger -(at least the dose of it is)-i am a bit loopy from it--but by the time i got home today i was really sick. not just going to toilet--but sick. ramps. and YES-pain. really? yeah. really.
ok-so-i will go with his plan. he didn't say NO vicodin-i mean he prescribed 40. but-if i took 3x day-it won't last from when i filled it last week til my next infusion. so-i am staying home til then. can't afford to be out and become really out of it and sick.
THIS SUCKS.
and it pisses me off that i feel like i am some drug addict begging for drugs.
he has no idea.
if he does--ok-i am going to try--but-man..i don't know. i will try. but it -it's hard-cause w/o the pill-it is hard to focus on work-as i feel too ill.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
sorry-just really -i get his concern-but give jme a break--it is just til i am in remission--and it is not even that high a dose (as far as "pain meds" go-i mean -so many who have crohn's take much stronger stuff-or take vicodin during times while in between flare and remission.
my psychiatrist told me many dr's are still afraid to give pain meds.
yet-all these other poisons are just as addictive--and more deadly even-so -again-wtf?
again-i'll try.
i'll use this immodium. yeah.
see how i do on maybe 1 vicodin a day.
it's not like i CHOSE this shit.
man.
sorry
just--this is a drag-cause it may mean i will be like some out-of-it person til i see him in 2 weeks. he knows it is a tough disease--but yet-he fusses over the pain meds..and not the other poisons.
whatever.
i don't get it---i really don't. not in cases where pain meds are truly needed.
but-he may be right-and i will try.
but-i am worried. just-scared of 2 weeks of hell.
but-ok-will be positive-and hope he is "right"
yeah yeah.
i don't want to risk losing him as a dr--cause he is VERY good-and careful-and i DO trust him--but he has got to know--even if it is not so called "pain"--it is chronic and the vicodin helps--JUST TIL IN REMISSION.
is that so much to ask?
maybe it is--which 8is why i will try.
maybe he needs to see how i do on the remicade/pentasa/entorcort--and then taper off entocort w/o the vicodin --maybe he need to SEE the "symptoms"
i don't know
all i know is that i am able to somewhat function on a low dose of pain meds til i get in at least some sort of a "liveable remission"
i need to talk to him-i need to know more.
yes.
i do know this is how things are.
crohn's is crohn's-and it could be worse-so on and on.
f that
you know????
i mean--this is pretty bad.
besides--no-i haven't had surgery for crohn's YET--but i have had it for bad endometriosis-and ovarian cysts-and i also have IBS-which is a mess with crohn's (in sense of diet.)
yes-i am getting a nutritionalist--but my dr doesnt know much about that-or vitamins. i had to push to find out about forvia. and i need to know now about-later-fosomax. especially if i may need 6mp added to remicade. i just hope he is right and i can get off the entocort. yes--yes--not as bad as pred--i know.
but-it obviously is stronger than people seem to fluff on about ---as i would not have gotten so sick from tapering if it were not somewhat strong.
whatever.
yes.
i am DOWN
no
NO
i am NOT depressed or wallowing--i work almost all day (with the vicodin) when i work-i don't even think about the dumb cd
so-don't anyone tell me all i am is depressive
i know it is what i may write about here
but-wtf?
ok-i guess i feel upset at some earlier replies to my other posts-and have since bveen afraid to post here.
i probably wont post again after this.
good riddance --right?
well-whatever
i am a F-ing FIGHTER-trust me-i have been through WPRSE than this.
yeah.
and-i still love life.
so-anyone who wants to put me down-good.
you see-i get it if people try to help and get people not thinking about their cd so much--but i also can tell when it is more about someone/s being sick of hearing upset talk
oh yeah-i forgot-this is supposed to be fun and games
sorry-i guess i am pissed about some stuff here
i never said it
but-i am now
i guess this thing w my dr and pain meds--all finally made me say-WTF?
THIS IS NOT EASY-and i am sorry if it is hard sometimes.
i am sorry if i vent.
i am sorry if i was hoping to hear from others -yes-info is all over
i HAVE read several books and wikepedia and so on and on.
i'm not dumb
but-sometimes-when one feels really bad--they go where others know what it IS
and sometimes one doesnt have the energy to HUNT for info
i was scared about the remicade-
and i wrote about that
sorry
anyway-
that's my junk
sorry to be an idiot
i know poeple here have good hearts--but please remember-
it is not always about YOU.
sometimes some people are in a different place than you.
yeah-we all know this
but it is pretty easy to forget-huh?
.

This forum is a place where people with Crohn's Disease can go to bond together and talk about their problems with the disease because we all understand what we are going through. All of us have been in the lows and highs of this disease... and most of us have tried the plethora of medicines and herbal remedies and diet alterations, some not helping at all... some making it worse, and some bringing us into remission.

I think what everyone was trying to say when they told you to be more positive, is that a positive attitude has been proven to help in even the worst situations... and keeping a positive outlook on life can only help. I'm sure that no one intended on putting you down at all. In fact I know that the people here are kind enough and good enough that they just wanted to share with you a way to help make Crohn's Disease a little bit more livable.

I'm sure that everybody here has your best interest at heart and I know that everyone wants everyone to get better. I think its great when I come here and I find a new thread started that celebrates someone off of meds, or someone starting a taper schedule or someone into remission. It's great because I know that when I finally get myself to that point, I can come here and people will actually care enough to celebrate with me.

I think you just have to take everything said here as it is. No one was trying to judge your or bring you down. We all want to see you better. Or at least I know I would love to see you better. It's just a bit of a downer to come here and hear that one of our fellow CD-ers has had a bad day or week again, and we all want the best for you.

I know I've kinda spoken for a whole community here and assumed things... so I'm sorry if anything I've assumed was wrong. But I just want to express how much I love this place and how much of a wealth of information it was to me. :smile:

thanks
no--i hear you
i get that it is good to hear good news---i love good news too
that was what got me so upset:
i felt like some poeple saw ONLY my sad/negative/depressed posts--when if fact i have posted other things that are either about info -or telling someone i am happy for their good news--or trying to be there for someone else-or being silly -even-at times.
i guess all those posts were over looked.?
that THAT was why i took the stancce i took
yes-this place is wonderful--i just personally seem to rub several people the wrong way-and i -
whatever-just-gota move on i guess.
anyway=-yeah-good luckc to everyone. seriously -
there is still a lot of good in life-even with this dumb cd--and i am truly sorry others didnt see that in me.
ok-au revoir.....

Well spoken katiesue 1506
You deserve a clap yah yah :lol: :applause.:lol: :applause:

As for xray cheer-up your just having a bad day. :smile:
Later

Andrea~You should most certainly know how I feel about you! Right?
You are a beautiful, talented and extremely artistic lady.
Write it out..you know it helps.
(((HUGS)))

I totally agree with Katie Sue. I don't come on this site to pick on people or make people feel crappy. I try to see it from their point of view and help by encouragement or experience. I totally understand the place you are in right now where the pain and drudgery of crohns is concerned. I was in that place for 18 months and remission seemed impossible but I got there eventually and so will you, it just takes time. The comments you received previously weren't in any way meant to upset you, its just that its important to try and be positive if you can. When I was at my lowest I had tonnes of sympathy directed at me from the people I love and I got to the point where I was telling everyone I was going to beat my illness. Don't get me wrong I started with the pity but after pity comes anger, its like grieving, first theres sadness then anger then acceptance. These were the stages I went through and during that anger stage I told myself that I would get better. I'm not telling you this to try and belittle anything you say or do, or to in any way make out that I'm worse off, its not about that at all,this isn't a competition about who's the worst off. I'm telling you this in the hope that you feel a little better knowing that we have been there and you're not alone in this. There is a huge amount of support available to you but its difficult from my point of view to try and support someone when they're in such a dark place. None of us here are trained in this, we do our best, even when we too are feeling crappy, its important to remember that. I think its also important to try not to dwell on things, whats done is done and all that, lets draw a line under anything thats been said in the past and look to the future, can we do that please because this is becoming uncomfortable and nobody wants that. I do hope things start to get better for you, I truly do, in the meantime, try to rest more and stop beating yourself up.


Ruth

I couldn't have said it better Ruth. Just being able to share information with people from all over the world has been so positive for me. We've all suffered a great deal. The frustrating part about this disease is not knowing what is on the horizon. xrayzerase- you are a lot stronger then you make yourself out to be. It takes a lot of courage to 'show your hand' so to speak. Until recently I've always hidden my pain and depression so I wouldn't look like a weak person. I was so worried about what others would think of me. Even though it's a cloudy day; the sun is still shining.

I agree with Ruth too.
All this negativaty has got to stop
Like Ruth said put the past in the past,don't keep bringing it up.
I also agree with Katie Sue.
If it was'nt for this forum I too would be alot more depressed.
This is a place you go for warmth and healing and information and to discuss your feelings and experiences your ups and downs.
Not keep going on and on about the same subject.You might not no this but it tends to bring other people down too.
Sure we all have are good days and bad days.We vent about them and then its forgotten about move on to another adventure.
I know myself when I'm feeling down and depressed all I have to do is come to this forum and read some post to see if I can help that person or add my experiences to their situation and it cheers me up for the day.
Some days I can't get to a computer and I start to go nuts because I like to check in on this forum everyday to read the posts,because someone might be in need of advise from a friend or they might have a question that needs to be answered. So if I can help some one with a problem I will give them my advise or expertease.

Crohn's is an awful Disease never knowing the unknowing.
Waking up each morning(just happy to be alive)not knowing how you will feel.
Is today gonna be a good day or a bad day.
I'm just happy to be alive. There are many people in this world today who are alot worse off then us.
Thank god for the support that we have on this forum.

Oh yah if you are feeling down or blue don't forget you can always go to the games room to blow off some steam. It works for me.

i get what everyone is saying
again though:
i DO NOT post JUST "down"posts.
that isz what got me pissed.
yeah-i an see i make people uncomfortable.
i wasn't going to come back-and i guess it makes sense that i do not.

people here -yes-very nice.
i do not deny that-
but-i will say---i am pretty upset at the fact that so many people here tend to see ONLY my "down"posts.
i guess if i made light of it more often-i'd be ok here.
who knows?

sorry if i bring others down
it was NEVER my intention.

i DO live and work and have fun--
i just do that when not on the forum.

perhaps that is the problem.
i am not part of things because i only come onto the forum when needed-or to stop by to see how others who i did feel warmth and care about -to see how they are.

to michael-pleasze remove me from the list ok?
i honestly no l,onger feeel at home here.

andrea.

TNT(Dynomite) said:

Well spoken katiesue 1506
You deserve a clap yah yah :lol: :applause.:lol: :applause:

As for xray cheer-up your just having a bad day. :smile:
Later

Click to expand...

gotcha
LOL
clap clap.

Nancy Lee said:

Andrea~You should most certainly know how I feel about you! Right?
You are a beautiful, talented and extremely artistic lady.
Write it out..you know it helps.
(((HUGS)))

Click to expand...

thank you nancy
seriously-
you are one of the reasons i feel ok here-but-this is obviously not a place for me.
best of lukc to you ok?
(hug)

ruthymg said:

I totally agree with Katie Sue. I don't come on this site to pick on people or make people feel crappy. I try to see it from their point of view and help by encouragement or experience. I totally understand the place you are in right now where the pain and drudgery of crohns is concerned. I was in that place for 18 months and remission seemed impossible but I got there eventually and so will you, it just takes time. The comments you received previously weren't in any way meant to upset you, its just that its important to try and be positive if you can. When I was at my lowest I had tonnes of sympathy directed at me from the people I love and I got to the point where I was telling everyone I was going to beat my illness. Don't get me wrong I started with the pity but after pity comes anger, its like grieving, first theres sadness then anger then acceptance. These were the stages I went through and during that anger stage I told myself that I would get better. I'm not telling you this to try and belittle anything you say or do, or to in any way make out that I'm worse off, its not about that at all,this isn't a competition about who's the worst off. I'm telling you this in the hope that you feel a little better knowing that we have been there and you're not alone in this. There is a huge amount of support available to you but its difficult from my point of view to try and support someone when they're in such a dark place. None of us here are trained in this, we do our best, even when we too are feeling crappy, its important to remember that. I think its also important to try not to dwell on things, whats done is done and all that, lets draw a line under anything thats been said in the past and look to the future, can we do that please because this is becoming uncomfortable and nobody wants that. I do hope things start to get better for you, I truly do, in the meantime, try to rest more and stop beating yourself up.


Ruth

Click to expand...

i agree
uncomfortable.
i get it
my question
why do you and tammy and whoever -why don't you simply skip my posts???
~

I dunno... I don't think Ruth was being mean to you at all... so getting mad at her was a bit uncalled for... but I just wanted to say that the only reason I ever thought of you as a "downer" was because the threads that you started were downers... sure you may have posted happiness on other threads, but people's perceptions of you can get skewed because I know I usually only remember thread starters... not individual posters, unless they are frequent posters.

I dunno... I'm sorry that you no longer feel comfortable here... but I know I don't wanna see you leave. I just think it's all been blown out of proportion. Maybe if the situation was looked at from a logical angle instead of from a direct personal hit angle, it'd be better. But as you said yourself, you do have your own mind, and you can do with it as you wish. I just don't think leaving would be the answer.

Having said that... I really hope you don't think I'm trying to put you down or talk to you condescendingly or sarcastically. What I have said is from the heart. And I do believe what Ruth said was too.

katiesue
i really truly didn't mean to sound mean or mad. i am actually very xensitive to stuff-not just my own junk-but i really do care about others-and i also hate reading when womeone writes a down post.
i was homestly worried-still am -about pain meds. i got some good info form stuff written earlier by gnc crohn's man-an dother stuff--but i am still in a bind.
if i am down-it is because-like all-or most of you -not yet in remissioon-this cd takes so much away. i can't work full time-and yes-that eats me up. i am grateful-yes-that i can work from home--but-it is kiilling me to not work physically-i am an artists-and to not build and cut wire cut wood paint-all that-i have not been able to do any real work in so long-and yes--it is eating me up. an di don't know how to handle it. most of the time i am ok-i work in the day (if i get vicodin) on my computer--but w/o pain meds-i ccan hardly focus-its not severe pain-but it is harsh-and chronic-and never ending w/o vicodin.
i know narcotics harm the boweil and so on--but-it is -i feel trapped. and i am sorry if i needed to not so much hear definite doese to take or not take--i don't know what i was :"asking for here"-just--this thing with my dr dicontinuing my pain meds scares me-esp tapering off steroids next week after rem infusion #3. so-yes-i am a wreck
do i need words of wisdom?
NO
i am scared.
i can't even do my home-computer work well without pain meds--and yeah-it is messing with my head work is everything to me.
yeah-iknow -we are all in the same (similar---whatever) boat--in the sehnse of how this thing messes with you.
trust me-i am fighting this damn thing and i push myself to work everyday-
but-with little vicodin left-i fear what is next. i get to almost feeling so uncomfortable that i cant sit stand lie---yeah-nothing new
so-ok-all this is repetition (no need to LOLremind me please with clapping hands.)
i appreciate you thinking it is good to try to stay on board here-but i just don't feel safe.
but i can tell your words come from your heart-as des ruths--i wasn't mad at her-i am just feeling very very trapped-and right now-it is hard to see clearly.
is there a support group out there for crohn's that anyone knows about where it is ok to express darker times?
i know some sites vary in how they have communication flow-and maybe the is not a site where depression/illness is spoken about as much--maybe its the same0-tyr to be lighter-i dont know.
all i know is right NOW i feel crazy. i am living i am fighting
but i am also screaming inside-not cause i haqve crohn's-or well-yeah-i guess it is that--but what is really destroying me is not working -really working YES-that is hard. we all have it hard
yeah yeah yeah.
i try to be symparthetic-but when i get the clap lol's--my fur flies.
and i know-no way-i can not saty here.
but it is not you-or ruth-oh dont know-myabe it is me(i am sure some will lo9ve to get a word in there and say yes it is me)
good. GOOD go for it
look-i dont even know if i am on list anymore-registered-i asked michael to unregister me-so-this may not even show
but-yes-i am pissed-
but no-i dont see people here as not having hearts
but this is tough shit-yep-we all know
some just can fluff about so easily though--
it SUCKS
and i am sorry if i am terrified that there is no real good way to deal with the pain. YEAH--THAT has been my main thing. it is a big probalem for me. i used to be addicted-and so-i feel very at a loss right now. ok?
thats all.
seriously\
if this shows up-it is my last.
best to you all.

"LATER"
lololololololololalalaa!
yeah---RIGHT>-whatever-lol's and clappy clpaps (yeah-you know who you are---only go so far-pure rubbish.)
good lukc with the clapping
cheers

This thread is now closed due to some comments I have recieved and also due to the fact that I am not so sure further messages will be that constructive in nature. Further correspondence can be done on an individual basis, but remember that this forum is not here to provide unconstructive criticism, hatred or put downs in any other form.