07-24-2011, 05:07 PM   #1
New Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
TTC with PCOS after stillbirth

I really hope no one has gone through this, I don't wish this even to my worst enemies.

I have crohn's ans PCOS so getting pregnant is already hard for me. Last year I got pregnant with the help of medication (clomid). Unfortunately my son had a lot of birth defects. There was no change of survival for him. I gave birth to him and he was so beautiful in my opinion.. I really mis him a lot. By now there should be a little baby in the house.. It hurts so much..

The hospital is doing a DNA test to see what was wrong with him and more important what the chances are it happens again (I really can't take this again!). Unfortunately they have a hard time with the material they took from him so there is a really big chance we will never know. They said we can try again because they don't think the chance of it happening again is very big. Now I am on my second cycle with clomid. But now I am having this flare and I am so sick its really really bad! I cant get pregnant in this condition!

I am so afraid I will never have a baby because of all of this together.. I could cry all day. I hope maybe there is someone here to talk with. I don't want to be the person who can only talk about the baby she lost. Most irl people lose interest, they don't ask so I don't want to bring it up all the time. But I do want to talk to someone.

Next week I will have another colonoscopy, I hope they can give me better medication after that so I will feel better. When I feel better I can maybe try to have a baby again. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend. He has seen me sick so many times and took care of me but now he also lost his son and now me and my stupid disease make it harder to go on. Sometimes I'm afraid he will leave me. I don't think he will after all we went through but I think I would understand, I'm holding him back...

I'm so depressed and in so much pain..
07-24-2011, 06:43 PM   #2
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AndiGirl's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Alaska

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I am so sorry to hear this. I am a firm believer that others cannot fully understand losing a baby or child, unless they have gone through it themselves. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what TTC is.

I met my husband when I was 31, we were married seven months after meeting. Because we were both in our 30s, we tried for a baby right away. I had gastrointestinal issues off and on from age 18 and on. I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease four months after Scott and I were married. I had a hard time getting pregnant, and decided to go to a fertility specialist. I was placed on Clomid and HCG. That was the worst sickness that I have felt in my body. I was so nauseated. While I was teaching, it often felt as though I could throw-up right then and there in front of or on my students! I am not a headache person, but the fertility meds. gave me horrible headaches and I was sensitive to light. To make matters worse, I got really moody and would cry at the least bit of disappointment or setback. I know I wasn't fun to live with.

I really wanted to try another round because I really wanted a baby. Scott begged me not to. I decided to give it a rest. I did get pregnant a few months after that sickening experience with fertility drugs. Scott and I were both so excited, and our baby was due on my birth date. What are the odd of that?

My pregnancy was pretty uneventful until the ending part of month four. I started to feel different and my OB noticed that I had started to dialate. I was hospitalized. My doctor referred me to a perinatologist, who put in a cerclage. The cerclage is to keep the cervix closed until delivery time. I was place on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. I ended up getting an infection from the cerclage and gave birth to our stillborn daughter on March 11. That little angel only made it to 5 months. The pain and emotional anguish were too much.

Two months later, I found out that I was pregnant again. Once again, Scott and I were very excited. This time the baby was due on Valentine's Day. The pregnancy felt a lot like the other one, pretty uneventful until month four. I was being monitored by a perinatologist from the very beginning of my pregnancy. I had a preventative cerclage put in at 14 weeks. I thought for sure things would be different. Once again month four rolled around and I started having what felt like Crohn's cramps. I started getting diarrhea, and instinctively, I knew something was wrong. When I went to see my doctor, he accidentally punctured my amniotic sac. I had no choice but to deliver that baby at 4 months. It was another little girl. I was numb at first, then the pain set in. There were days when I honestly felt as though I'd never be happy again. I wanted to give up on life for a while. Some how I managed to work through the grief and pain. I'm still amazed that I was able to go back to work, and able to fake a facade of living a normal life. Oh the pain!

I wanted to give up on trying. I told Scott that I wanted a puppy. In the spring of 2008, he bought me a pure breed Beagle pup. I fell in love with Buster right away. In November of 2008, we happened to get a call from my first cousin and his wife. They were both married before they got married to each other. They had too many kids, his, hers, and theirs. They found out that Eve was pregnant again, and they wondered if we would like to adopt their baby. We were shocked, and had the weekend to decide. The baby was due in January. We adopted our son when he was one day old. Oh the joy that little boy brought us. He was a beautiful baby!

When Alex was six months old, I started getting nauseated, extra thirsty and hungry, and needing to use the lavatory all the time. I was so upset. I thought I was becoming a diabetic. That was the last thing I needed on top of two other medical conditions (asthma and Crohn's Disease). When I mentioned my symptoms to my doctor, she thought I was pregnant. I laughed and tried to refuse a pregnancy test. I didn't want to get hurt again. She insisted, so I bit the bullet and got my blood drawn. I found out after the Fourth of July weekend that I was pregnant. I once again saw my perinatologist. This time he put in a different kind of cerclage. I continued to work. My family and friends were praying for the baby and me constantly. When I reached month 7, I had a feeling that things would be alright. I ended up giving birth to our beautiful daughter on March 6, 2010. She was born only three days early.

I believe that chronic illness can affect pregnancy. I had a flare-up while pregnant with Beth. My perinatologist put me on Prednisone, and I did fine after that. I was relatively symptom free during my pregnancy. In fact, I felt much better in some ways. Two months after giving birth to Beth, my CD decided to come back with vengence though.

I'm not sure how old you are, but please don't give up or loose hope. I know this sounds cliche, but once I decided to give up, things started happening. I was ready to be happy with a puppy. Once we had the puppy, I found out that we could adopt my cousin's baby. With our son, I was happy to have a child. If he was our only one, I was prepared to be okay with that. I was blessed with our daughter. I was 36 when we adopted Alex, and 37 when I had Beth. I have some friends that were even older than I was when they had their first baby. Adopted children are also a blessing.

You are not alone my friend. Hugs to you.
Diagnosed with Crohn's Disease in 2005

Pentasa 2x500mg (4 times a day)
Zofran (as needed for nausea)
Ginger Capsules (for Nausea)
Zoloft 150 mg
Ranitidine 150 mg (2 times a day)
Entocort 3 mg (3 capsules by mouth for 8 weeks, then tapering to 2 capsules for three months)
07-24-2011, 07:06 PM   #3
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
I am so so so sorry for your loss.

In regards to the PCOS, have you tried vitex. Some women find it helps regulate cycles and help ovulation.

We are having a hard time concieving this time around. I have had 5 early losses since we started trying for baby #2. I cant imagine how much pain you went through.

First things first, be gentle with yourself, and get your flare quieted down. Big time hugs to you.
07-24-2011, 09:49 PM   #4
Jessi's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ogden, Utah

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Hello sweet ladies.

I am so sorry for everyone who has ever had to suffer this way. I can never fathom what pain you must be having (and hiding) every day. It must be so incredibly difficult for you.

My elder sister lost several babies just recently before she finally gave birth to her newest little angel. She now has four children living and another four watching her with love from heaven. She struggles daily with her emotions.

She has found amazing and beautiful friendships, though, through all of this. She asked me to share this with anyone in need: babycenter.com has a 'grief and loss' forum where the ladies never get tired of listening to your painful stories, and let you heal at your own pace. She said that her friends there had sent her all sorts of gifts when she finally had a live birth. What wonderful people!

I hope this helps. I will never fully understand what pain you have, but I know it affects my sister in a way that pangs me. I never before in my life have seen her cry so hard.

All the love in the world for all of you... You are all in my prayers

Dx'd with Psoriasis in 1993
Dx'd with Psoriatic Arthritis in 2004
Dx'd with Ulcerative Colitis on May 18, 2011

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain." ~Anon.

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