Me- I first started experiencing symptoms when I was 19. I was stressed out a lot because of college, women, and how to afford my electric bill since Ameren Electric decided to boost their prices 80% for almost a year. Come to think of it, I was always stressed about something. In high school I was stressed about shedding more hair than usual (though I still have a head full of hair- except for my face.. wtf genes), trying to be a likeable class clown, dealing with forever changing degrees of social anxiety, and of course.. worrying about where the parties where.
It seemed like the only time I wasn't stressed, was when I was with friends having fun and drinking beer.. Loads and loads of keg beer. My grades of course reflected my lifestyle, but I managed to never fail and I pulled in mostly B's. Then one day I broke my Crohn's cherry, and literally had a bloody nasty sh!t. I remember my rectum hurt for almost a day afterwards. lol I also remember wondering if I had been date raped in the butt. j/k
After I had gone broke living on my own, I moved in with my parents again the beginning of my sophomore year in college. Similar symptoms (like ones listed above) where occurring more frequently, and my diet was rubbish. I ate fast food a lot and never exercised.. I often wondered how I stayed thin.. Little did I know, I was on the Crohn's diet. I ate anything I wanted, and hardly digested a thing
Symptoms got worse, so I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed after I was anally probed. I was then on and off several different pharmaceutical treatments until one day things got worse. I developed an abscess above my rectum, which made it hard for me to sit. I had that lanced and drained, but things were still bad, and I started resembling a holocaust victim. My doctor recommended I start using Humira(TNF blocker), an extremely expensive epi-pen, filled with bits of gold I think.. but it worked! I began feeling better.
All of this happened over the course of a year and a half, so from beginning sophomore year to beginning junior year in college. Then I started feeling better. I went out more, started working out, ate a little better.. far less fast food. It took me a little over a year to get back to where I felt and looked normal again. So I felt normal the beginning of my senior year of college.
I felt really stressed again during that time (beginning my senior year). I was alone quite often during that year my symptoms were bad. I had dropped almost all of my classes, and I had constant throbbing and sharp pains for close to 3 months. Pains so bad I started to abuse my Vicodin medication. To be honest, it's all still a blur. I don't remember much of that year, or perhaps I chose not to remember. Dunno.. but I started to feel like I missed out on life. I felt so stressed because I thought I had become a failure. Most of my friends where finishing their degrees, were talking about adult problems, and I was left with... Where the eff did these past couple years go? What am I gonna do if I'm kicked off my parents insurance? What am I gonna do with my life? Why the frick am I pursuing a bachelors degree in accounting? I felt overwhelmed but I blocked it out, chose to switch to a degree in CMIS, and continued forward.
I obtained a minor in business the end of my senior year, and then I decided to switch to a kinesiology degree. I wanted to learn more about the human body in order to become a physical therapist. I started off strong on my super senior year and made the Dean's list. The semester that followed was the worst. I ended up breaking down and my past caught up with me. My two best buds decided to go live in Germany for 4 months. When they left I felt alone again. It's weird how much you actually depend on others. When they were gone I felt I lost it. Most of my other good friends were either playing grown up or trying to reach their masters degree at some other college. I hadn't really made many new friends, and connecting with those I didn't know felt foreign. This was last year (my super senior year-yr.5). I started to feel depressed. I really hated everything about myself. I hated that I never acquired any talents, and never obtained a certain degree of information. I was alone a lot, and I thought my two best friends that I felt were my lifeline to the world had left for f*cking Germany because of a girl.. Who was a foreign exchange student that dumped my friend's ass the 2nd week he was in her native land... bah, i'm off topic, but this is another story.
So I didn't know how long my friends were going to be gone, and I felt like killing myself because I was feeling like a sorry lonely piece of sh!t for 4 months.. and I slowly let myself go at school. I got C's and D's. (which I thought wasn't bad for only attending just several times. ) I then started a part time job at Wal-mart, and met a girl that I later fell in love with. My friends moved back 4 months later and life did a 180. but life, being a giant btch and all, decided that things were going to go sour.
The girl I liked, stopped liking me back. I also had several classes with one of my best friends (since I switched to his major, and he took time off). We would end up smoking a lot of pot and playing video games when we tried to study or do a project together. Not his fault.. I was the one with the Cannabis because I use it to study. I like the way it makes me feel. High feelings allow me to focus on what ever I want.. Which means it's very easy to tone things almost completely out. All of this being said, we did poor in our classes.. This meant low GPA, and not being able to stay in my declared major. This means more money and more repeated classes. This is where I lay today.
I'm repeating classes. My friend I was taking classes with dropped out to manage a Buckle retail store. My other best friend sits at home and plays video games all of the time, or goes out and drinks. My parents are old and weird because I was born the "woops" baby. I smoke a lot of pot, and I frequently day dream. I was fired from Wal-mart for tardiness.. Which I actually think is a good thing. I have a call back for tomorrow on whether or not I got a job making pizza.
**On a side note.. Wal-mart is just a giant store run by broken people for broken people. That place is amazingly retarded, in a good way... and in both ways. Meaning that the place is filled with cliches of children from broken homes. There was a lot of gossip and high school immaturity from mature looking adults, but it all made sense once I learned of their dramatic pasts.
I guess I'm just in an odd spot. My two best friends I used to see a lot have moved away. I see the video game friend on the internet (We mow nigs together-white person lingo for "mow down people in Battle Field3"*not necessarily of any certain color) It sounds racist I know, but it's used in a context of mockery. This internet friend and I also hang together and with other friends on the weekends. The pain I got in my chest when I thought of the girl I thought I loved has stopped. That feels good. I still feel haunted by a feeling of failure though. I don't like it. Maybe I feel this way because I need to still study for a test, but I feel it quite often. It's weird how my mind works. I feel like I should just give myself a reason to go end my life.. but I can't ever think of a reason. Things seem to have always come natural to me, which is why I feel like such a failure. I can do so much good with this life, but I still feel like I'm broken emotionally. I prefer feeling emotionless, which is obtainable through smoking pot. I often fluctuate between nothing and happiness while high. I will of course get the feeling worthless emotion sometimes, but less often than it's counterpart.
lol.. I dunno. I suppose I wonder why I still sometimes feel like a washed up nobody? but the answer, I feel, will be clearer if I stick with my hobbies and classwork. When I do well in those, I feel great about myself.. but on some days, I feel blue. I can't help but think about my past, and how much it sucked.. and then my present and how much it also sucks compared with those of everyone else. I dunno.. I suppose it's just a hard habit to break. I can't help but compare myself to others. Though I do believe that most of society has lost their inspiration. We settle for anything, and we want everything. I suppose I'm having trouble seeing peoples' artistic side. I was always told to dream big and aim for the stars.. Yet, as we age, it seems we just give up and most grow ugly and stupid. Everyone settles with their goal of having a family.. and it seems like no one get's back up and says "I'm now gonna DO THIS!" and then actually DOES IT.
I suppose the only way to inspire the uninspired, is to inspire yourself. I'm having troubles with that part. I'm slowly doing it, and I want to run head first into this b!tch.. but I suppose it's baby steps. F*cking hate growing up.. I feel like I'll have to parent this planet filled with apes one day. Dudes... I feel a bit lost.
It seemed like the only time I wasn't stressed, was when I was with friends having fun and drinking beer.. Loads and loads of keg beer. My grades of course reflected my lifestyle, but I managed to never fail and I pulled in mostly B's. Then one day I broke my Crohn's cherry, and literally had a bloody nasty sh!t. I remember my rectum hurt for almost a day afterwards. lol I also remember wondering if I had been date raped in the butt. j/k
After I had gone broke living on my own, I moved in with my parents again the beginning of my sophomore year in college. Similar symptoms (like ones listed above) where occurring more frequently, and my diet was rubbish. I ate fast food a lot and never exercised.. I often wondered how I stayed thin.. Little did I know, I was on the Crohn's diet. I ate anything I wanted, and hardly digested a thing
Symptoms got worse, so I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed after I was anally probed. I was then on and off several different pharmaceutical treatments until one day things got worse. I developed an abscess above my rectum, which made it hard for me to sit. I had that lanced and drained, but things were still bad, and I started resembling a holocaust victim. My doctor recommended I start using Humira(TNF blocker), an extremely expensive epi-pen, filled with bits of gold I think.. but it worked! I began feeling better.
All of this happened over the course of a year and a half, so from beginning sophomore year to beginning junior year in college. Then I started feeling better. I went out more, started working out, ate a little better.. far less fast food. It took me a little over a year to get back to where I felt and looked normal again. So I felt normal the beginning of my senior year of college.
I felt really stressed again during that time (beginning my senior year). I was alone quite often during that year my symptoms were bad. I had dropped almost all of my classes, and I had constant throbbing and sharp pains for close to 3 months. Pains so bad I started to abuse my Vicodin medication. To be honest, it's all still a blur. I don't remember much of that year, or perhaps I chose not to remember. Dunno.. but I started to feel like I missed out on life. I felt so stressed because I thought I had become a failure. Most of my friends where finishing their degrees, were talking about adult problems, and I was left with... Where the eff did these past couple years go? What am I gonna do if I'm kicked off my parents insurance? What am I gonna do with my life? Why the frick am I pursuing a bachelors degree in accounting? I felt overwhelmed but I blocked it out, chose to switch to a degree in CMIS, and continued forward.
I obtained a minor in business the end of my senior year, and then I decided to switch to a kinesiology degree. I wanted to learn more about the human body in order to become a physical therapist. I started off strong on my super senior year and made the Dean's list. The semester that followed was the worst. I ended up breaking down and my past caught up with me. My two best buds decided to go live in Germany for 4 months. When they left I felt alone again. It's weird how much you actually depend on others. When they were gone I felt I lost it. Most of my other good friends were either playing grown up or trying to reach their masters degree at some other college. I hadn't really made many new friends, and connecting with those I didn't know felt foreign. This was last year (my super senior year-yr.5). I started to feel depressed. I really hated everything about myself. I hated that I never acquired any talents, and never obtained a certain degree of information. I was alone a lot, and I thought my two best friends that I felt were my lifeline to the world had left for f*cking Germany because of a girl.. Who was a foreign exchange student that dumped my friend's ass the 2nd week he was in her native land... bah, i'm off topic, but this is another story.
So I didn't know how long my friends were going to be gone, and I felt like killing myself because I was feeling like a sorry lonely piece of sh!t for 4 months.. and I slowly let myself go at school. I got C's and D's. (which I thought wasn't bad for only attending just several times. ) I then started a part time job at Wal-mart, and met a girl that I later fell in love with. My friends moved back 4 months later and life did a 180. but life, being a giant btch and all, decided that things were going to go sour.
The girl I liked, stopped liking me back. I also had several classes with one of my best friends (since I switched to his major, and he took time off). We would end up smoking a lot of pot and playing video games when we tried to study or do a project together. Not his fault.. I was the one with the Cannabis because I use it to study. I like the way it makes me feel. High feelings allow me to focus on what ever I want.. Which means it's very easy to tone things almost completely out. All of this being said, we did poor in our classes.. This meant low GPA, and not being able to stay in my declared major. This means more money and more repeated classes. This is where I lay today.
I'm repeating classes. My friend I was taking classes with dropped out to manage a Buckle retail store. My other best friend sits at home and plays video games all of the time, or goes out and drinks. My parents are old and weird because I was born the "woops" baby. I smoke a lot of pot, and I frequently day dream. I was fired from Wal-mart for tardiness.. Which I actually think is a good thing. I have a call back for tomorrow on whether or not I got a job making pizza.
**On a side note.. Wal-mart is just a giant store run by broken people for broken people. That place is amazingly retarded, in a good way... and in both ways. Meaning that the place is filled with cliches of children from broken homes. There was a lot of gossip and high school immaturity from mature looking adults, but it all made sense once I learned of their dramatic pasts.
I guess I'm just in an odd spot. My two best friends I used to see a lot have moved away. I see the video game friend on the internet (We mow nigs together-white person lingo for "mow down people in Battle Field3"*not necessarily of any certain color) It sounds racist I know, but it's used in a context of mockery. This internet friend and I also hang together and with other friends on the weekends. The pain I got in my chest when I thought of the girl I thought I loved has stopped. That feels good. I still feel haunted by a feeling of failure though. I don't like it. Maybe I feel this way because I need to still study for a test, but I feel it quite often. It's weird how my mind works. I feel like I should just give myself a reason to go end my life.. but I can't ever think of a reason. Things seem to have always come natural to me, which is why I feel like such a failure. I can do so much good with this life, but I still feel like I'm broken emotionally. I prefer feeling emotionless, which is obtainable through smoking pot. I often fluctuate between nothing and happiness while high. I will of course get the feeling worthless emotion sometimes, but less often than it's counterpart.
lol.. I dunno. I suppose I wonder why I still sometimes feel like a washed up nobody? but the answer, I feel, will be clearer if I stick with my hobbies and classwork. When I do well in those, I feel great about myself.. but on some days, I feel blue. I can't help but think about my past, and how much it sucked.. and then my present and how much it also sucks compared with those of everyone else. I dunno.. I suppose it's just a hard habit to break. I can't help but compare myself to others. Though I do believe that most of society has lost their inspiration. We settle for anything, and we want everything. I suppose I'm having trouble seeing peoples' artistic side. I was always told to dream big and aim for the stars.. Yet, as we age, it seems we just give up and most grow ugly and stupid. Everyone settles with their goal of having a family.. and it seems like no one get's back up and says "I'm now gonna DO THIS!" and then actually DOES IT.
I suppose the only way to inspire the uninspired, is to inspire yourself. I'm having troubles with that part. I'm slowly doing it, and I want to run head first into this b!tch.. but I suppose it's baby steps. F*cking hate growing up.. I feel like I'll have to parent this planet filled with apes one day. Dudes... I feel a bit lost.
