Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Vent Away » I feel like I don't fit in the lines

04-02-2012, 07:12 PM   #1
PsychoJane's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Quebec

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I feel like I don't fit in the lines

Ok... so...
I don't even know what to think about. I get to a point where I don't know if I am the one to blame. I don't know if the disease is to blame, I don't know if I'm upset at myself for being who I am and trying to do things the way I did. I don't know, I guess the word is I just feel I know nothing anymore.

I guess I'll just word things as they are: Today, my life sucks! (well it seems my life has sucked for the past year...). I guess it's little things that triggers the whole things I have clumped up inside but I guess it has to get out at some point.

It's been years that I try to build up a "path" to manage to get a degree. It always seems like someone is waiting there to get up and put sticks in my wheels and keep me from moving on. I had a math class I needed to complete in order to be fully accepted in my program. I was accepted conditionally but life is not always has we planned it. Once again, I got sick and could not complete the class as I wish I had. Because of this condition, I had to deal with a specific man to get my schedule approved until the math class was complete. By a matter of circumstances, because that class if college level and my other classes are university level, and because that was the only place where I could "module" the fact I was sick and needed an easier schedule, I did neglect the completion and put the effort on the classes that could not be moved, changed, post pone or what not and that were mandatory to complete other later classes. This was the only place I could personally make adjustment with the deadlines and all and compose with the sickness and all that comes with it. Geez, I have been sick for over a year now and I did (in a disillusioned way) believe the world could understand that.
Apparently not...
I only have a final exam to do to complete the class, I've seen all the content all I need is the time to review and successfully achieve the last exam. So well, I went to see that man today, explain him (again) the situation. I came in with my surgery paper, he knows I have a specific condition (I told him and I am recognized as full time student when I have less classes), I explained him the whole thing all over again but he is not hearing anything regarding the conditions.

Instead, he wrote me a quite arrogant letter making it sounds like I was someone who did not want to follow the rule. He uses a tone where it seems he has done all he had to do and that I made all things wrong. It sounds like I am a neglecting student for trying to adjust the way I did.... All that was cc'ed to my program director which did not really know me as of yet, so now I feel like my reputation is stained by that man when all I did was trying to persist through the event and make as much as I can considering the situation.... No where as he mentioned that I am sick, never was he concerned about it either... even though I did mention to him that I had surgery in about a month because that was the best I could do... to delay the intervention and avoid cancelling my term and having to do my classes again. Like What the hell... I know he has rules to follow, and in a matter of equity for others (LIKE HELLO FUCKER, IS LIFE FAIR AT FIRST???) but no... I need to walk the lines like other and look like a damn failure... I'm so damn tired to be told that by a matter of equity this, by a matter of fairness that... Who does not have enough empathy to even seem to care at the least a little... Seriously...

Sorry for that... I'm just so over with everything right now... I don't even know where to vent these things now. I feel sorry for myself right now... I feel like I'm not even strong enough to live my own life and this feeling sucks...

Thanks for taking the time to read and sorry about it at the same time...
Diagnosed UC 1999 then refractory CD.
Past Meds: Prednisone, asacol, cyclosporine, cyclophosphamide, mp6, Humira

Currently taking: Omega-3, D-3, med-free for the time being.
~~Oh! n sorry if what I write seems strange at times, English is not my main language!~~

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04-02-2012, 08:50 PM   #2
Jennifer's Avatar
No need to be sorry about it. We're here for you no matter what your issue is.

To be clear, who is this "man" you speak of? Is he a figure of authority? Is he a school counselor? Doesn't sound like the head of any department.

If I were you I would seek the help of a school counselor (and if this man was one, see a different one) and tell them your story and show them the letter the man sent you along with the documents you tried showing to him. This way you can start over and retake the class you need to and get a poor grade off of your record due to an illness/disability. No need to have your reputation tarnished. I don't know what school you go to or what their policies are or what degree you're shooting for but perhaps you could also get to know the head of your department by making an appointment with them and let them know your story and how badly you want to reach your goals. Let them put a face to your name and let them decide for themselves who's the real villain here.

I had a hard time going through college sometimes too but talked to my professors at the beginning of the class so they would know that I would be missing more than just 3 days through the semester. Working with your professors and keeping them updated is best but sometimes the school also offers help for those with disabilities (which IBD is one) and can help you have more time on tests, for homework and projects etc.

Good luck!
Diagnosis: Crohn's in 1991 at age 9
Surgeries: 1 Small Bowel Resection in 1999; Central IV in 1991-92
Meds for CD: 6MP 75mg
Things I take: Tenormin 25mg (PVCs and Tachycardia), Junel (endometriosis), Tylenol 3 (Osteoarthritis), Zantac 150mg 2/day (acid reflux), Klonopin 1mg (Panic Disorder), Imitrex 25mg (migraines), Zofran 8mg (nausea)
Currently in: REMISSION Thought it was a flare but it's just scar tissue from my resection. Dealing with a stricture. Remission from my resection, 19 years and counting.
04-02-2012, 11:59 PM   #3
Dr.Who's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Montreal, Canada
i read it! :-)

I applaud you.. for making that path to a degree... bloody hell right! (supertramp reference :-)

I was in a similar situation. long story short, i registered with the university campus health center, and they gave me special privileges. They recognize crohns as a "disability" (whatever) just like the other students with visible handicaps (so be it, i'll take it!).

But some people dont recognize crohns, i met a girl whose parents didnt believe she was sick until she fistulized into her uterus and had to have it removed. f*ckn unbelievable. now she cant have kids. so this man you speak of, comes as no surprise to me. sometimes i think its people with no feelings that make it in this world. cause they dont care about anyone except themselves.

From what you told me, i dont think the man had any idea what you were doing.. the calculated sacrifices you made, the lengths you went to, the effort, the struggling everyday just to make it!

If i were you, i would see the mans supervisor, the director of your program? and i bet they'll see it your way - cause 1 out of a thousand has crohns disease, and thats you baby! not every student has crohns and is banging on the deans door for an exemption/extension.

I applied to McGill.. was rejected.. then sent them a short 3 paragraph letter telling them how determined i was.. and *presto*.. i was accepted.. i took a reduced course load..and now i have my degree from mcgill, the "harvard of the north!"

no one told me to write the letter, i didnt follow the regular path people take.. i didnt "fit in the lines" ... i also invested in apple when everyone told me not to back in the 90's and now im loaded... but thats another story.

The Doctor.

Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Vent Away » I feel like I don't fit in the lines
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