My Rant

I am sitting here with my headphones on and crying and being upset. I just hung up on my mother after saying FU to her. It has been the same scenario my whole life... you are not really sick it is all in your head. I have hearing loss and equilibrium problems because she wouldn't take me to the doctor as a kid until it was way too late. She says my rectal bleeding and obstructions are just because of stress and subsequent panic.

I am facing therapy now because of how rooted this idea is in my own mind. Everyday I spend about a half hour to an hour doubting myself. Wondering if maybe this really is all in my head - scared that it is psychosomatic. Thinking that the single blood test was wrong. That my GI not seeing anything on pill or colonoscopy was right and indicative that I am just crazy. Maybe I just want attention, maybe my stress comes out as weird medical symptoms... I just don't know anymore. Maybe I am a product of my own insecurities maybe I am a hypochondriac and don't realize it / can't see it. Maybe the shock of my sister's brain tumor sent me into a downward spiral of an inability to cope with anything. Maybe it is something so insignificant but I have somehow propelled it into being something major. Maybe I just want to believe something is wrong with me.

The stress of everything is just getting to be so much. I am with my daughter 24/7 with no breaks and no help. I try to get work done but can't because it is summer for my daughter. I have to travel to a couple client's sites and can't because of this. This all coupled with my symptoms, medications, pain, and stress. Money is extremely tight and I am facing the cost and stress of spending a whole week with my unsupportive family in a house on the beach later this month. I know I don't have it that bad, it's the not having anyone to lean on or to turn to for help. I don't even physically talk to another adult save for once a week or once every two weeks... I feel like I am drowning in a lonely sea of doubt, oppression, and pain and don't know which direction to swim. I am totally lost right now but in 5 minutes.. I have to pull myself together, shower, and take my daughter outside. She hasn't seen the sun in days because I haven't been feeling well. I still don't feel well but like most days other things must take priority over how I feel or what I want.

I will have a good sob in the shower... and hopefully the sun will shine into more than just my skin!

oh Isla!!! ((((hugs))))

aw please, please don't doubt yourself. you are a highly intelligent, switched on lady, you would know in your own heart if there was any chance of your 'imagining' your symptoms. and there is no chance of that, in my opinion.

yeah, we can have all kinds of physical reactions to anxiety.. but bleeding? obstructions? nope. getting even one positive test for Crohns means something too.

sometimes even our family seem to let us down when we need their understanding the most. i certainly went through this when i was a teenager, suffering with Crohns, and my whole family were convinced by the GP it was my imagination. then they were convinced by a psychiatrist, via the GP, that i had anorexia.. so boy - do i know how you're feeling right now. but - you know yourself, you know your body, and you know how it is supposed to feel & behave. don't let the self-doubt win, honey. you have a battle on your hands keeping all the balls you're juggling in the air as it is, you don't need to battle with yourself too.

and you're not alone - you have us! every step of the way.

I was told I was causing it myself as well. I was told I was just stressing myself out and over-anxious. My mom also asked me if I was causing this myself (bulimia or anorexia) and told me if I was causing it that I needed to stop wasting money.

I know the doubt and the constant double checking to make sure you are really having the symptoms you are having. I will wait and wait and wait to the call the doctor because I'm always afraid its too premature or coincidental. I've been dubbed a hypochondriac my whole life. It sucks.

Keep your head up Isla. Keep coming here and talking about things. Keep your stress in check. Do things that make you happy. Try new things. Try to add freshness to your life, and include your daughter. She'd like that I think. Also, are there any activities the she could get involved in that would allow you alone time and her enrichment? Maybe dance, sports, or just a play group.

I have been told the same thing for the past five years. Some people believe me some don't. The ones that don't I just don't care about their opinions because they are just that...opinions. They don't matter. Just remember that you do have this disease. It's a disease and you can't do anything about it other than do what the doctors tell you and figure out the best plan of attack so you can be healed.

Hugs

Yeah, it really sucks when those who should support you the most let you down. I know that all too well. This isn't all in your head, you know that.. tho deep down it might be better if it were. That kind of illness is curable. Maybe that is partly responsible for your occasional doubts... if it were in your head, there be an out.
It's not. The doctors, the scopes, the bloodtests, they're right. Those close to you who doubt it deserve your anger. Don't feel guilty about that. Anger can have its uses... it can give us the strength to fight back, to soldier on, when it seems like no one is on our side. Except, of course, for your friends on here.

Isla~Maybe you could help convince them by pooing your pants while you're in the car with them. No one has ever doubted me

Seriously, you need to find an outlet. Find a local "stay at home" group that you can get together with other people and have adult time. I know you work at home but it's the idea that these women are available during the day. I'm sure you're not alone in your need for a break. I have someone to help but still find myself needing breaks.

You can also just keep this vent blog going. We all have thing we can complain about. Maybe you can just post a reply that say "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

We are here for you from a distance.
Where do you live?

I just received 2 voicemails informing me that 1) I am no longer welcome to the vacation (which to be honest I am quite glad about ) and that 2) I and my "outside family" (meaning my daughter) are now disowned from the family. It is a bit upsetting but my mom is already a bit unstable and didn't really raise me much when I was growing up. My older (middle) sister did. Every where she went, if she spent the night at a friends house so did I. We were best friends, and she is still who I go to if I need advice or a shoulder to cry on. But she has her own family now with her own problems and such.

So I appreciate the fact I can kind of unload on here. Ugg my day is turning out yucky but on the plus side I am sqeaky clean and got my yoga dvd. My daughter is so excited to try yoga. I started doing yoga when I suffered from insomnia at the tender age of 7 and hope that it will help relieve some stress and some pain too

Thanks guys - you really did make me feel better in the face of such uncertainty!

Isn't family such a joy!?! My alcoholic father has "disowned" me countless times. It's laughable at this point. It won't last. At least, that is my guess.

Good luck with the Yoga. Hopefully this helps calm your nerves a bit.

Squeaky clean and yoga?!? Woo-Hoo! All you need is a box of gooey chocolate cookies, and your day is complete!!

Don't doubt yourself. We know our own bodies better than anyone else, and you KNOW that Crohn's is different for everyone. You're a smart girl obviously, so don't second guess yourself. If we could cause bleeding out our butt just by thinking it, well then I'm going to think myself a boob job tomorrow!

As for a break, does your daughter have a video game? I know that sounds awful, but there are educational ones, and it can really keep her busy for an hour. One hour a day won't hurt her, especially in the summer. Even PBS kids on the computer has some older kid games. Or, if you trust a parent of one of her classmates, if you have a kid over for a few hours, the other parent usually repays the favor.

LOVE LOVE that new pic at the bottom!!
That's your job, isn't it - photography?
I guessed it, I guessed it - ahhh ha ha haaaa ha.
(playground singing chant)

DAMN! You're about to pass me in # of posts!!!

Hehehehe these posts make me laugh!!

Pen - I live in northern Illinois, outside of Chicago near the Wisconsin border. I plan on keeping my distance from my mother as my daughter is already heartbroken over the lost vacation. My mom has been talking about it to her for months. It was very hard telling her that we couldn't go but I told her I would take her somewhere special that week (probably to our local water park and later to laser tag.) I ALWAYS try to find silver linings in everything I do or don't do, in this case!!

MBH - Oh trust me my Wii and TV gets lots o love from her. I took her through a walk in the cemetery next to us, which we always find very peaceful and relaxing.

But you guessed my profession incorrectly (though for a while, when I was younger, I did do photography as a living - not of people though.) I am a graphic artist / web designer. The company I own and run is:

Vitiated Designs

Okay, but now we have your real name, which I thought you were trying to avoid. Quick! Get it off!!

Heeheeheeheehee

Hahahaha I am not hard to find... *HINT* Follow the midget with the bright pink hair!!!

Shhhhhhhhhhh not many people know. Slinks away through people's legs and out the doggie door.

Ugg I had a pretty rotten day today. Woke up to an email from someone I work with who told our client I was at a certain point in our project when I wasn't even close - and basically he asked me to lie to him for him and because of him. I don't lie and especially not to my clients... clients who are paying me thousands of dollars for a job.

Then a few minutes later I get a voicemail that one of my friends died. And then if my day was not bad enough someone stole a bunch of stuff out of my car. Needless to say - BOY do I love my wine!!

My brain is hurting me.

Sorry to here that you had a bad day. This never did much for me but my mother always used to say to me during times like this "And this too shall pass my son". One way to think about the car thing is that "stuff" can be replaced and try not to sweat it. I wish I had something much more wise to say. But I do feel for you.

Actually I am more worried about the stress. It isn't good for my crohns or for my mental health. I have been through enough lately.

So I am doing some of my most favoritst things in the world right now

Well I guess all I can say is savor the moment because as you know kids have a way of cutting those moments short. Usually something kinda cute though after you give yourself a moment to think about it.

Naw, my daughter knows I "clock out" after a certain time. I am no longer mommy, but become myself - my person, except for true emergencies. Single mothers wear themselves out by believing they are superwoman or that they have to be mom non-stop - it just isn't true. I get to take time outs, I get to say I just don't want to play with you right now, and I get to take time out of each day just for me. I don't have to be perfect all the time, I don't have to be good all the time, and I certainly don't have to be mom all the time. Life isn't fair for any of us, so we both need to learn how to make ourselves happy while respecting one another.

I'm not in a condition to go into a long story at this point but I'll further reinforce that you're not alone.

Back in high school my mother used to go into violent rages over my skipping school. Well, skipping school in so far as being so sick I couldn't get out of bed and successfully reach the car. My collapsing in pain and weakness when I attempted it were just me being pathetic and melodramatic. She broke just about everything I had. All 4 windows in my room, my door, picture frames, computer parts/accessories, my remote control, telephone, etc. She would stand in my room screaming and screaming while I cowered under my blankets too sick to fight back. Even when I finally got a crohn's diagnosis she still never believed that I wasn't just making it up so I could skip school. She has a paranoid personality disorder which is part of the friction with her but nothing I've tried has ever gotten her any closer to treatment and certainly no closer to he acknowledging the problem.

As for high school they kicked me out for hurting their no-child-left-behind statistics. They thought I was making it all up anyway. Enough that one day I had a couple truant officers show up and drag me off to school telling me that they would not allow me to stay home for any illness other than vomiting (which they needed to witness) or a fever of 104.

Anyway, getting kicked out of high school did nothing but give me an additional year of free life which I rather appreciate (public schools are pointless and unnecessary thanks to the GED) and I've disowned my mother. I haven't spoken to her in over a year. I'd get around to reestablishing a small amount of contact but frankly I keep realizing just how extremely better my life has been since she stopped being in it.