Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender » Dating seems so much harder now..

08-26-2008, 11:36 PM   #31
Actually the more I think about it, if you replace your disease with "poverty stricken single mother" I have been going through almost all those things you mentioned for 5 years now. To blame YOUR unhappiness (which is internal) on external circumstances it just goes to show that you are not happy on the inside. I am not judging you for it, I am making the observation in regards to anyone with that type of MO. There are A LOT more rotten things that could happen in my life and it wouldn't even make me teeter. I have been through Hell and back many times warmed over and luckily, the worse things became the closer I got to finding true happiness.

The last guy I dated spent half of his life in a wheelchair, he suffers from debilitating spasms off and on all day long. He has had more surgeries than most people on here combined. He has titanium in his leg and has a heavily curved spine. He has cerebral palsy and the medical problems that will occur when he ages can only get worse. Did I say "oh you are not worth loving because you are sick?" That seems totally illogical and I am so glad I found him, because now he is one of the bestest friends I have ever had.

I also was married when I was wheelchair bound. My husband didn't get up one day and say "wow, you are totally unlovable because you are sick." If you honestly think most people think like that, you are bound to find those people. Again it comes down to the bad apple analogy. If people were so horrible and unaccepting why haven't I met any??? If people don't want sick people why are most of the people on here married or engaged or have SO's. I am friends with, and have known people that are pretty severely handicapped....

all of them are happily married. Because people love us for how we make them feel about themselves and how we feel about them. If you have nothing to offer but negativity, cynicism, and mistrust - guess what, they will start feeling the same way too. Show them love, compassion, and kindness and they will start feeling the same way too.
08-27-2008, 03:01 AM   #32
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Perhaps I view happiness as a "Crohns-less" life again, and that is the root of my unhappiness. I cannot feel like I'm not creating a sham and pulling wool over my eyes if I pretend nothing's wrong. I enjoy mind over matter concepts, but I have limits of what I'll "lie" about. It's very concrete and almost mathematical to me..."happiness = a+b+c+d+e+....." It's either/or, black and white. I have goals in life, and those goals are what total happiness is to me, and if I "pretend" to have complete happiness prior to reaching those goals and just say "well, I could just be happy with what I've got now, and settle" that I would be conceding and admitting defeat. That, I cannot do. I won't lower my expectations, I will NOT settle, and will not lose.

Ask Katie Sue about Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy, the top is Self Actualization (which you are probably aware of). What is in that triangle shaped section? Each of us fills it subjectively.

I'm well aware I'm far from the worst, and like I said I'm aware there are those out there who will put up with virtually anything, and thus far my gf has put up with everything, I just don't know how much more she could put up with. And should she leave me, I don't think I'd want to go through all the "apple-picking" it'd take to find someone who would dig through any surface to find the "lovable me", regardless of my MO. This sounds strange and naive, but maybe it's the environments we have or people we know, but I don't think I know anyone accepting to the degree you speak of except for the people here or from those other rare stories (or hell, even movies). That isn't to say there aren't others out there (it'd be illogical to think all of them have gathered on this forum), but I don't feel I could sustain the rejections necessary to sift through society- with the way it is and the stigmas on health- to find others, at least that's my current outlook. Just thinking about people I've met in real life and everyone I know, and hearing the "testimonies" of my gf's friends and all, has me thinking, "damn, should she leave me, that's it, game over". Almost like the rejections would outweigh the potential payoff because I fear rejection in such a monumental way... again, my current outlook at the moment. I'm also well aware of the victim/survivor concept, that we should strive for the latter in the face of trials and certain defeat, but maybe it is with me, that I cannot call myself a survivor until I've survived this and earned my happiness, until then, I'm neither.

You speak of feeding someone love, and they'll reciprocate with love, give them cynicism, and get it back; I feel it's not that simple nor so cut and dry, else more relationships would work. Too many are one sided, and you've got the whole "It's me, not you" stuff.

I already know I don't love me on the inside, although I love aspects of me and "the future me", the "whole package" is lacking as of now. Then again, I'm a perfectionist at heart, yearning for a bit more than is humanly common or likely attainable for myself. I feel like the fact that my gf has stuck by me this far- and told me she's not leaving, and that if we can make it through this we could make it through anything- makes me want to hold on that much tighter. I feel like floating in the void of space would be less alone than taking on this challenge without her, because rejection is all I know after that. /semi-romantic rambling

-diagnosed with Crohn's Disease in Sept. 2006, currently 28 years old

"Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird."

"Men with Spartan lives, simple in their creature comforts, if only to allow for the complexity of their passions." -The X-Files, S4

Last edited by BWS1982; 08-27-2008 at 03:17 AM.
08-30-2008, 09:36 AM   #33
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The friends urging your girlfriend to dump you are extremely familiar to me. It's especially bad coming from their parents. The typical don't ruin your life with him speech occurs many times and eventually becomes a 'tough-love' issue where they start trying to cause a break up by force. I think one of the few reasons I still have my wife is that while she had her parents around to hate me that was in good part nullified by teenage defiance and she doesn't really have any friends to tell her that.

In fact I'm honestly shocked that I'm married and have a baby right now. I just got lucky. Hell, I absolutely didn't expect to live to 24. I keep reaching my assumed life expectancy again and again. At this point I'm going to be optimistic and say 40. Seeing old people every day I know without a doubt that barring new medical discoveries I would not be alive with their problems plus crohn's. I'd just suddenly die without a doubt of a GI bleed like my great grandmother did at about 70. I can't imagine being one of those few still able to walk in their 70s considering my joint pain in my 20s. I'd end up like the people I take care of, contracted and speechless unable to feed myself or change my own diaper, but with a good 25 year head start.

That reminds me, I need to write a will so they'll let me die when I can no longer push a call light.
Certified Medication Aide, Certified Nurse Aide, Phlebotomist, and Resident Cynic

Meds: Prednisone, Pentasa, Vitamin D & Calcium, Atenalol, Darvocet

Current Issues: Crohn's inflammation primarily of the upper GI (duodenum and up), Tachycardia, Osteoporosis

Current Stage of Grief: Anger
08-30-2008, 11:34 PM   #34
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your pessimism makes my posting sound like cupcakes on a sunny birthday....although I give you lots of respect for enduring it physically, even if you've given up emotionally or mentally (I couldn't say, don't know you well enough). You've got it far worse than me, and are supporting your son. Props man. I kinda feel like a spoiled ass now that I think about it.

Hopefully your "barring" portion comes through, a cure or breakthrough treatment, that is...

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