Crohn's Disease Forum » Support Forum » Vent Away » I'm having a bad time and need a 'hug'

05-23-2006, 06:50 PM   #1
Anonymous User
I'm having a bad time and need a 'hug'

Hey everyone,

I'm dealing with a situation where my youngest nephew who is twelve has been sexually assaulted by two of his brothers over an 8 year period. The eldest boy pleaded guilty last year and got a good behaviour bond and the younger boy is getting off with nothing because the family don't believe our young nephew. We've been battling to remain involved through the court process, through Department of Human Services child protection workers and through all of this we are and have always been vilified because we stood up for the rights of the child and didn't support the parent.

I know this isn't technically crohns related but the stress of this is giving me such a lot of grief and we have lost every member of our extended family over this now. We've tried to protect these children for the past 20 years and now even the children have been turned from us because of the campaign of hate from the adults who don't see anything wrong in what's happened.

Every professional person I talk to in the field is horrified by what is happening and what has been allowed to happen, yet we are the ones being ostracised. I'm having a hard time, and even though I want to fight and remain connected to these children I don't know how to.

They've been brought up with no boundaries, no structure and no discipline so they have no regard for anyone but themselves. The youngest is different because he's gotten counselling for the past two years but I'm sure that if allowed to stay in the family environment he will suffer more harm. We had one of his brothers living with us last year and when he came to us he wasn't eating, when his mother removed him from our care to take him home again against the wishes of the department, he stopped eating again. We live too far away to be in casual contact and their mother is stopping all correspondance via post or email.

I'm really torn here. These kids don't have a chance, and I'm seriously considering just letting go, stepping back and just letting them know that I'm here if they need me in the future. All this fighting is causing my crohns to flare, I'm constantly fatigued, it's financially draining and I need to protect my own sanity and emotional state of mind, never mind that my husband has stood by me and in the process lost his entire family.

The eldest boy is 21 now and has turned into a nasty, narcissistic sadist who at 18 tortured and killed a kitten with his girlfriend who is now his wife. At 12 he punched his stepsister in the face with his fist.

His younger 14 year old brother assaulted the youngest boy as payback for his disclosure against the eldest boy, and even though the eldest pleaded guilty their mother and extended family have refused to believe that he is telling the truth, even though he's admitted it to me, the department and counsellor know he's done it and state in writing that he is a continuing threat to the youngest boy.

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

I'm sorry guys, I'm in a place that isn't so sociable at the moment and up until mikey posted the anonymous posting info I had no way of talking about this.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I've tried staying connected but that's not working. These kids have grown up with no conscience and I doubt whether we'll ever hear from them again. It doesn't bother me except for the youngest boy.

Well...has this been a rant. It's been good to be able to offload this to others who while you might not know the details can understand the effect it has with crohns.

If I'm not terriby coherent here, please accept my apologies.

We've got another court session tomorrow which we are not going to as it is a 6 hour return trip and I just don't have it in me this time, after going to 6 sessions I'm a bit worn out, not to mention frustrated.

Thanks for listening everyone, it's been a hell of a trip. I'm hoping to get off this train soon.

05-23-2006, 07:07 PM   #2
Jeff D.
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Oh my God I do not know what to say about that

SO HUGS and PRAYERS for you

05-23-2006, 07:33 PM   #3
mikeyarmo's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Firstly I am glad that you have been able to get this off your chest and this is something that no one should have to deal with, as a child or as someone in your position. Of course you can always use this area for any problem you have, and this stress must definately be taking a big toll on you (as you stated).

Have you given yourself the credit you so rightfully deserve? It would have been easy for anyone in your position to not take such an active role and since you are not in direct contact with them, it would have been easy to just assume the best and just worry about yourself (as you already have enough on your plate to worry about than most people). But you did a very noble and courageous thing, and you stood up for a child when even their parents were not payinig attention. You decided to do the right thing, which is in most cases not easy, and you fought as well as you could to do what was in the best interest of someone else. Think of all the time, the energy, the money and stress you have put into this, and in the end it has all been for someone else. You have been the loud and vocal voice for someone who cannot use theirs, and for that you should consider yourself victorious.

You are only human though. What can anyone ask you to do above what you already have done? You are fighting what seems like an unwinable fight, but you tried. You tried as much as anyone could have asked you to, and then even more so.

Is the result what you wanted? No. But what can you expect when the parents are not even listening to the truth? You have done for your nephew as best as anyone could have. For this you should feel proud.

It really looks like you have tried all that you could have done, and then some. Whatever you choose to do now should not be considered a defeat. You fought such a battle that it has taken so much out of you and your life personally that I do not know if it can really continue.

You need to do what is best for you. After fighting so long for someone else, you need to finally think about yourself. This is once again not giving up. This is accepting that you are only human, and you worked harder than most of us could even imagine. You should not feel guilty, but rather appreciate the work you put into this.

You are definately one of the strongest people I know if you have been able to put so much into this while dealing with your condition. I have the highest respect for you, and believe that no matter what happens or what you decide that you truly are a hero.
05-23-2006, 07:41 PM   #4
wow thats a hard cross to bear. my thoughts are with you and lots of hugs are going out your way. if you need somewhere to turn to talk you can come to me cause i have had some experiance with dealing with sexual assult in a way.

All the best and my thoughts are with you
05-23-2006, 08:37 PM   #5
Anonymous User
Dear Mike and Kate,

I needed to post this way for personal reasons and thank you for what you said.

You know, even though you do know you've done the right thing, taken the right steps, done all you could it still feels like a defeat, that you couldn't do just that little bit more. It's a terrible loss. I lived in hiding from my own father for 15 years until his death, went through hell with their divorce, suffered emotional abuse throughout my childhood, I'm estranged from my whole family and this just feels like the deepest, darkest betrayal of my psyche and I feel so bereft of family that some days it just eats me up with grief. God, I'm even crying while writing this. See, this is what childhood trauma can do to you as an become some overly empathic crusader who has to do something. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat but oh it hurts sooooo much.

Sorry, I have to go...this is getting to me.
05-23-2006, 09:01 PM   #6
mikeyarmo's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Toronto, Ontario
I hate to see how much this is affecting you. All I can say is that there is no reason why you should go through this alone, and you should get everything you need to out. Whether that is telling it hear, to your husband or to someone else, this is a burden that you should not be carrying and worrying about alone. I really cannot give anymore advice, because I think this is such a complicated issue and only you can decide what is best for you. If you have any questions I will give you my opinion on them, but this is an issue that you have to decide what you are comfortable and able to do. I really suggest remembering your needs though, as you not being healthy will help no one.
05-23-2006, 10:42 PM   #7
I am learning what affect childhood truma can have on adults and mines not that extreem. Even though we cant do anything to help you im sure that just to know you can type it in here helps. And just live with the idea the these bad kids will get their just desserts because people like you are out to help their brother.

THe world needs people like you but dont forget to look after yourself, and maybe it wouldnt help for you to go and talk someone about this to debrief as such and help life the weight of your sholders.


Lots of love
05-24-2006, 06:56 AM   #8
Anonymous User
Thanks everyone,

sometimes you know how it is when you just feel so overwhelmed, well that was me this morning.

My husband and I have been talking for a while now about what we'll do, and it's a hard call to make but we decided to sever our ties with the children to preserve our own emotional wellbeing. I went and spoke to a psychologist today about it, I have an appointment with a sexual assault counsellor and I'm seeing our local welfare worker on Friday. We've decided that the best option for us, given the level of hostility towards me by the entire family is to write to our youngest nephew via his counsellor, to tell him how much we love him, to reinforce that we believe him, and that we will be available to him whenever he chooses to approach us, but that we are going to be stepping back and allowing him to make that decision...even if it is never or in ten years time, we'll still be here. The professional opinion today was that this is the best option for ourselves and the child. If the child protection system wants us to remain involved they'll have to make the overtures, but other than that we are going to leave everyone to their own mess and bow out. We've done as much as we can, we've fought to remain legally connected and now we've run out of oomph. It'd be different if the children wanted to be with us.

Thank you all for listening, being there and allowing me to get this off my chest. I have valued your responses and they have given me strength today.

Mikey, I may not be the most prolific poster but I appreciate what you have set up here and it is truly a valuable tool and please accept my sincere congratulations on a job well done.
05-24-2006, 07:17 AM   #9
Karen's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ohio

My Support Groups:
Anonymous User I'm GRANDMA BEAR !! The oldest member here on the board. It's not my board but it's MIKE'S & he has done an excellent job here. I want to extend my hand out to you that if your ever wanting another woman to talk with I'm just a click away so feel free. I'm also going to be praying for you as I am sure that you really do need the prayers at this time and I am going to add you onto another board that I am a part of & ask the ladies there as well to be praying for you. If you would like more information about this other board that is FOR WOMEN do let me know via a PM & I'd be more then happy to pass it along to you so keep your chin up & remember that the Lord does here our prayers.

05-24-2006, 05:44 PM   #10
that really good that you have been able to find a good balance so that you can look after yourself and yet give suppost to the kid if he chooses

lots of hugs and good luck with it all

05-24-2006, 09:46 PM   #11
Anonymous User
Thank you everyone, your support means a lot to me.

Thanks also Karen for your prayers. I'm not a religious person so don't be offended that I don't take up your lovely offer, but please accept my sincere gratitude for your offer. I do read the psalms and they give me some comfort, but mostly I have to let go.

Today, as soon as I awoke, I had a headache knowing that it was in court again and I wouldn't be there this time.

To take my mind off this I'm actually doing some HOUSEWORK! omg...does that count as a four letter word? lol

See, I can still laugh...even if it might be a tad

I'll get through this, and like everything else I go through in life this will give me lessons and experiences that will enable me to hopefully help others. I've started publishing on the net some of my legal experiences in relation to this as it is a nightmare for others in a similar situation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you
05-25-2006, 03:53 AM   #12
I just read your post with tears in my eyes.. what an awful, and complicated situation. You sound like a wonderful, caring and selfless person, you have given up so much in order to try to help your nephew, and suffered so much for it and my heart goes out to you.

You have done everything you can, dont ever feel that you haven't done enough, I'm sure your nephew knows how much you love and care for him, and I'm sure this offers him great comfort...

It's time now to concentrate on your own health and thoughts are with you and I wish you all the best. I really hope things start to look up for you soon, seems to me you really deserve some good luck.

Big hugs to you

Elaine xxx
05-25-2006, 04:56 AM   #13
Awww big hugs to you

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