08-03-2012, 05:42 PM   #1
Hayleymariex's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Feeling useless.

So my boyfriends had a stoma fitted, he's on a regular ward now and will most probably be discharged permanently next week.
For the last few days I've been feeling useless, and almost like I'm being pushed out by some of his family.
Yesterday there was a minor set back, and due to everything that's happened lately I got really upset so I waited outside the room until I'd calmed down. This happened twice. When I'd been back in the room for about an hour, I was told by his mum that in his dads opinion I needed to "toughen up." Fair enough, it upset me a bit but I understood where he was coming from so I decided to make a bit of a joke of it by pretending to be offended. Instead of laughing along with me to make light of an otherwise upsetting moment for me, he nodded. But again, I thought "ok, fair enough."
Today has been a long day, Joe had barely spoke to me in the 7 hours I'd been sat with him, none stop. When I got a bit tearful over this I was told by him that I need to "toughen up" because he can't deal with me anymore.
I do understand that this is immensely hard for him, and I appreciate that he won't be able to be there for me as much as before, not for a long while. But at the same time I don't think it's very fair for them to make me feel that I'm useless to Joe for getting upset by him being in pain, or making me feel unwanted.
I'm starting to think that maybe I should just keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself instead of bothering people with them.
Am I overreacting?
08-03-2012, 09:24 PM   #2
New Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: gainesville, Florida
No your not. Sounds like your a caring person and theres nothing wrong with that. Perhaps his family just doesnt show thier emotions as much? I think its perfectly natural for you to be upset and should be allowed to grieve as well. I know my husband gets upset when he sees me in pain. He actually gets angered at times because he feels useless and hates the fact he cant help. Its a tough time, but hang in there. Remember his family is grieving as well.... just in a different way.
~ Sandy ~
08-04-2012, 12:16 AM   #3
Jennifer's Avatar
Gotta agree with lager87 here. I know my family don't show their emotions much and my fiance's are the complete polar opposite. They're caring to the point where it almost feels fake to me because I grew up with no hugs or "I love yous." That doesn't mean I actually think its fake, its just different and I'm not used to it. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are about the same.

Maybe a better phrase besides "toughen up" would be to stay strong. You'll all get through this together.
Diagnosis: Crohn's in 1991 at age 9
Surgeries: 1 Small Bowel Resection in 1999; Central IV in 1991-92
Meds for CD: 6MP 75mg
Things I take: Tenormin 25mg (PVCs and Tachycardia), Junel (endometriosis), Tylenol 3 (Osteoarthritis), Zantac 150mg 2/day (acid reflux), Klonopin 1mg (Panic Disorder), Imitrex 25mg (migraines), Zofran 8mg (nausea)
Currently in: REMISSION Thought it was a flare but it's just scar tissue from my resection. Dealing with a stricture. Remission from my resection, 19 years and counting.

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