I was just diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. I'd been battling a bad case of C. diff for a month (vancomycin kicked it after 2 rounds) and was sick for a few months (undiagnosed) before that. I’ve never felt so much pain, so weak, so sick as I have these last few months.
My doc started me on Lialda & expensive probiotics earlier in the week and just added 40mg prednisone and azathioprine on Friday. Predisone. I hear it's horror. I ordered _Coping with Prednisone_ and _Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired_ already.
Lately, I’ve been mostly scared—and in a lot of pain. Right now, I’m mad—and in a lot of pain. Why mad? I’m mad because I already can’t afford my current medical bills, and now I’m in for weekly doctor visits and tests. I’m mad because I lost everything in the recent divorce I didn't want and have no cushion anymore and am facing an expensive illness. I’m mad because everything I’ve known about eating well (vegetarian for 30+ years, vegan for 1.5) will now backfire on this damn body. I’m mad because I now have to eat basically white, refined foods that I’ve never liked. I’m mad because, as a friend “jokingly” told me this week, “you were more fun before you got sick”—and while I know it’s objectively true, it hurts to hear and know. I’m mad because all of my other friends keep offering to help, and I can’t think of anything that will help—other than help me handle work, which just makes me feel guilty because everyone is already so busy. I’m mad because after a death threat from a former student, a divorce, two car wrecks, and C. diff, I want a cosmic break. I’m mad because I believe in optimism and happiness and love, and I don’t understand. I’m mad because I felt great and was training for a half-marathon (sponsored by Crohn’s Foundation) and got really sick the week before so I couldn’t do it, and now I’ve lost so much strength and stamina and muscle that I can’t even open drink containers and am now facing a unhealthy diet and weight gain from the meds. I’m mad because, just as we head into cold and flu season, I’m about to get even more susceptible to infections and getting sick and apparently need to live in a bubble. I’m mad because I see my pharmacist more often than I see any of my friends or even colleagues. I’m mad because I never drank, did drugs, smoked, ate meat, etc., and my body is attacking itself anyway. I’m mad because I’ve felt sick for so damn long and I just want to not be in pain or even discomfort, for just a little while.
Just let me be mad for a little while. I’ll get past it. I’ll soon start doing lots of research and looking into the local support groups and nutritionists and all of the people who “manage” it just fine.
But right now, I’m mad. Let me be. I don’t want to joke about it. I don’t want advice (yet). I don’t care that I finally have answers (I didn’t want this answer). I’m just mad.
How often have I heard of someone with Crohn’s and thought it was just like a sensitive stomach with lots of digestive issues. Karma is a bitch.
My doc started me on Lialda & expensive probiotics earlier in the week and just added 40mg prednisone and azathioprine on Friday. Predisone. I hear it's horror. I ordered _Coping with Prednisone_ and _Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired_ already.
Lately, I’ve been mostly scared—and in a lot of pain. Right now, I’m mad—and in a lot of pain. Why mad? I’m mad because I already can’t afford my current medical bills, and now I’m in for weekly doctor visits and tests. I’m mad because I lost everything in the recent divorce I didn't want and have no cushion anymore and am facing an expensive illness. I’m mad because everything I’ve known about eating well (vegetarian for 30+ years, vegan for 1.5) will now backfire on this damn body. I’m mad because I now have to eat basically white, refined foods that I’ve never liked. I’m mad because, as a friend “jokingly” told me this week, “you were more fun before you got sick”—and while I know it’s objectively true, it hurts to hear and know. I’m mad because all of my other friends keep offering to help, and I can’t think of anything that will help—other than help me handle work, which just makes me feel guilty because everyone is already so busy. I’m mad because after a death threat from a former student, a divorce, two car wrecks, and C. diff, I want a cosmic break. I’m mad because I believe in optimism and happiness and love, and I don’t understand. I’m mad because I felt great and was training for a half-marathon (sponsored by Crohn’s Foundation) and got really sick the week before so I couldn’t do it, and now I’ve lost so much strength and stamina and muscle that I can’t even open drink containers and am now facing a unhealthy diet and weight gain from the meds. I’m mad because, just as we head into cold and flu season, I’m about to get even more susceptible to infections and getting sick and apparently need to live in a bubble. I’m mad because I see my pharmacist more often than I see any of my friends or even colleagues. I’m mad because I never drank, did drugs, smoked, ate meat, etc., and my body is attacking itself anyway. I’m mad because I’ve felt sick for so damn long and I just want to not be in pain or even discomfort, for just a little while.
Just let me be mad for a little while. I’ll get past it. I’ll soon start doing lots of research and looking into the local support groups and nutritionists and all of the people who “manage” it just fine.
But right now, I’m mad. Let me be. I don’t want to joke about it. I don’t want advice (yet). I don’t care that I finally have answers (I didn’t want this answer). I’m just mad.
How often have I heard of someone with Crohn’s and thought it was just like a sensitive stomach with lots of digestive issues. Karma is a bitch.
