05-31-2006, 08:01 PM   #1
Fed Up!

Ok. This only remotely has anything to do with Crohn's, and only because it is sending me into a flare-up. I would like for any and all opinions here...I need help.

Shortly after my initial stay in the hospital in January 2004, we moved our family into my mother-in-law's house. I had just been released in the beginning of February, I had a 5 month old son, a 7 yr.old daughter, and my hubby. We moved in the beginning of March. We crammed our lives together into 2 bedrooms, since we really couldn't bring our stuff into their home.

We moved in because they needed help. His dad had kidney failure, and was doing hemo-dialysis (where they take your blood out, filter it, and put it back in again...a very fatiguing process). No one else in my hubby's family (ie: his 2 sisters) were helping out. They would let their dad sit in the clinic for over 3 hours after the dialysis. They would only come over if they wanted something from their parents. While in the hospital, my mom-in-law called me every day to make sure I was ok, then she would go into a crying fit cuz she could no longer take care of the both of them, and needed help, but didn't know what to do.

One day, Rich's sister mentioned that we should move in. After careful consideration, we did in the beginning of March. Little did I realize her idea was because she didn't want to be bothered. More on that later.

In August of 2004, his dad passed away . His mom had an apartment built in the lower level of the bi-level. Thought things would be ok, since she would have her place, and we would have ours. We would live upstairs and maintain the house. We would be there if she needed help or something, or was sick and couldn't cook or whatever. I also take her to all of her appointments.

My hubby was supposed to help out, but his job as a truck driver hasn't allowed him to be home enough to get everything done. So I do the best I can, even during severe flares. The rest of his family figure we live here, it's our responsibility, not theirs, so they don't help. In any way.

Now, apparantly, his one sister, hates my guts. She has picked MAJOR fights with me about it. She thinks I am faking being sick, am using her brother, and am trying to get things from her mom. All of which is untrue. She is jealous of my relationship with her mom and her brother. I have never stepped in the way of her relationships with them at all. Her mom is like my best friend, not my mom. Anyway, this sister and the other one find ways to complain all the time about us. How we do things, how things aren't getting done, how we are taking advantage of their mom, etc. Then, his mom repeats these things to me. I have asked her not to tell me anything they say...and she tries (I think) but then alwaysssss lets something drop and I have to ask questions.

I love her (mom-in-law) dearly, but she does like to start trouble. She will tell the girls half truths, making us look bad. She will tell me things, knowing I will tell my hubby. She interferes with the discipline of my children, will totally ignore my hubby when he says something to his son...son will ask for a cookie, daddy says no, grammy hands it to him anyway, or make me look bad in front of the kids if I reprimand them. That sort of thing. We have asked her not to interfere like that, and I don't think we are being nasty about it. We let her spoil her grandson in alot of ways. And she does. She doesn't spoil my daughter (from a previous marriage)however, and Jordan notices it. The two of them are always fighting with each other, usually cuz mom starts it. She picks on Jordan all of the time, nit-picking. Things that she overlooks with Hunter, don't get past her with Jordan. She will also interfere when we have company. We can't go outside and entertain, because she will join in, not that I mind, but sometimes, we would like to be alone. She will stay in her house for days...as soon as Hunter (my son) goes out, she is there and as soon as we are in the house, she goes into hers (So we don't see her I guess?). She is obsessed with Hunter. I never have any time alone outside with my kids. And she is alwaysssss trying to feed my kids junk, even when she knows supper is soon.

Now don't get me wrong. I realize she doesn't have much to look forward to. And so I don't complain when she is out all the time when we are too. But this weekend was the straw that broke my hubby's back. He got upset because she once again interfered with disciplining our son. She said he had no right to do that to him. My hubby fumed, without saying anything and took Hunter in the house. Now I am stuck in the middle. I am close to her, closer to hubby tho. And there is soooo much more that goes on than I have time to write about. But I wanted you to get the picture.

Mostly we are upset because his sisters don't stop saying bad stuff about us. They constantly say we are getting away scot-free...which we aren't. We pay our bills, we give her rent money, and we pitch in financially when there is a major repair. We are here 24/7. When her toilet over-flows, we are there taking care of it. We get her mail every day. If she is ill, I am the only one she sees, I bring her food, get her the things she needs. You would NEVER see her daughters here if she is sick. The one who hates me comes over Mon-fri for lunch, unless mom-in-law is sick. Rather than bring her some soup or something for lunch, she just doesn't come. Yet we are getting off easily.? She wont stand up for us when they say something. The stress when they are here is killing me. I don't want to talk to them, but I refuse to let them make me stay in the house, especially cuz the kids don't understand. There is so much tension lately you can cut it with a knife. The stress of everything combined has started yet another flare-up.

My doc said I wouldn't get into steady remission as long as I have to deal with all I have to deal with while living here. I have to take care of my family, the house, inside and out, my mom-in-law and her needs that she can't take care of. It is getting to be too much, but I hate to leave her too. Her other kids wont move in to help her out. We have talked to her, to no avail. She is set in her ways. She wont listen. She just gives us a guilt trip and expects us to kiss her hiney like we always do. She is a pro at that. But we haven't this time.

Sooooo.....what would you guys do? I am the kind of person who would give her left arm to help a stranger. But in the meantime, I am compromising my health and the happiness of my family.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I didn't mean to make it this long. Bravo to anyone who read the whole thing!!! lol

Thanks guys!
05-31-2006, 08:48 PM   #2
mikeyarmo's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Toronto, Ontario
phew!.... where to start?

I think you need to do what is best for your family, which includes you! If you are not able to control your disease, have a husband and yourself who are being made feel guilty and unappreciated and are not able to run your family the way you want to then something is wrong. At the very least your mother-in-law needs to realize that this is your family and you do want her to be a part of it, but she needs to know her boundaries and limit some of her behaviour. Perhaps you also need to speak with her and or the other sisters (with your husband?) and get this situation settled. Tell them how you feel, and how you think you are doing more than your fair share, especially since they are not doing much. If your mother-in-law is there then she will hopefully be able to understand the sacrafices you are making now, and how it is affecting your health.

I hope that this has helped in some way. This is not an easy decision or problem, so I think you just need to speak with your husband and come to a consensus on what you are going to do.
05-31-2006, 09:21 PM   #3
Jeff D.
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
OMG that is such a hard sitiacion to deal with. I got to say that I agree with Mike because you need to do what is good for you and your family. If your hubby's sisters are killing you then you should talk to them. The mother in law sitiacion kind of reminds of me an everybody loves raymond episode but it is real. Seriously though you need to talk to them. Tell them abour your sickness and maybe get them involved. If you want I will give them a can of whoop ass for you. I want you to feel better and stress will not help at all.

Good luck and prayers for you

05-31-2006, 09:52 PM   #4
Thanks you two. This is why I come here. The thing is, the one sister who hates me, wont sit down and talk. I could give her every medical record I have and she would still say I am making it up. I don't know how you make up colonoscopy reports or blood results. The other sister doesn't press the issue too much, because as long as I am here, she doesn't need to do anything, and is free to live her life as she sees fit. His third sister stays away... I think because her family is the way they are. She and I get along really good. Probably because she stays out of things, and sees that her sisters are wrong. The sad thing is, we have sat down and tried talking to his mom. She doesn't see what she is doing. She is a pro at giving guilt trips...and even this time, tho I haven't backed down, I still feel like it is my fault, even tho it isn't. I really don't need the stress.

I have talked to my hubby. He agrees. He is sick of it too. His sisters wont even listen to him. Funny thing is, they jump on me when he isn't around. Odds are we are probably moving as soon as we can. I need to wait and see about SSI first. If I get it I get a chunk of change that can be a down payment on a new home. We don't want to rent, buying is cheaper.

Well..thanks guys. You gave me the pat on the back I needed. Gosh I love this site!!!

05-31-2006, 10:06 PM   #5
mikeyarmo's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Toronto, Ontario
... I just trying to help any way I can.

Well if you try talking to them, and they still do not understand, what more do you need to do to prove to yourself that you are dealing with unreasonable people? If the sisters basically would not accept a lie detector proving you really have this disease, and you mother in law is only interrested in laying the guilt trip (not my idea of a vacation!) then there is nothinig left for you to do. You have tried, and have been met with resistance and unwilling and unreasonable people. That should be enough to give you the confidence to do what is right for you, as know one else is worrying about that.

And give yourself 2 pats on the back! You have done a lot, even though it is not been appreciated. If your kindness is going unappreciated then it is definately not worth the stress and affecting your condition!
06-01-2006, 07:40 AM   #6
The bottom line is you have done your very best in this situation. Now its time to protect your family meaning your daughter, your son and yourself. Sounds like the situation is damaging to all three of you on many many levels.

Would it be possible to move at this point?
06-01-2006, 09:07 AM   #7
Hey Donna, there is nothing worse than stress, and even more so when it involves family. I can relate a tiny bit to what your going through (I took care of my Oma for almost a year when she was diagnosed with alzheimers, and the rest of the family [her children] didnt realize how bad she was until it reached a breaking point, which is a shame)
the only thing I can think to say is that it was a really nice idea on yours and your husbands part that you could help out... but it seems like your being used at this point, and you and your family are paying the biggest price. moving away from the situation might be the only solution, and the only way to salvage any relationships with any of his sisters and his mom before it reaches a boiling point that you cant go back from.
thats just my opinion of it though, I know its a lot easier said than done.
good luck, and let us know what you decide to do.
06-01-2006, 04:02 PM   #8
Sorry to hear about the bad situation that you are in. Bottom line for you is to protect your health at all costs b/c if you're not healthy it's not doing any good for your famiily. It sounds like you have talked until you are blue in the face and the family isn't listening. Your mother-in-law sounds like she is a bit controlling, don't mean to be harsh and I understand that you are close but if she felt the same way, she wouldn't be doing/saying the things she does and would be working with you and your disease as much as you work with her and her illnesses. If they don't understand/listen know, they probably never will.

Again, I don't mean to be harsh or cruel but I think that we are the same age with young children with the in-laws close by and understand the difficulties that it can bring.

Good luck!
06-01-2006, 05:15 PM   #9
Hye Donna,

You certainly don't deserve this sort of grief in your life, I am sure you have enough troubles to deal with. I don't know the answers but all I would like to say is please look after number 1 and number 2 (hubby/kids) your health is far more important than anything else so please do that.
06-01-2006, 05:20 PM   #10
Hey Donna,

Your story has got me fired up girl!! I get so damn mad when I hear these kind of things!

The other guys on here have given you more in depth analysis on it than I ever could, so I will just give you a short version of what I think of this scenario, and what I'd do if I was you. So if I'm at all insulting to any of your nearest and dearest, it isn't intentional.

First of all, your sister in law. She's a boot, and absolute cow, and should be the last thing on your mind - hell, she's probably got bone deep issues about you guys spending more time with her mother than what she is - maybe deep down she actually feels guilty that SHE isn't playing the role of chief cook and bottle washer??! At the end of the day, if that is how she feels, it's way out of your league to sort out. She's perhaps got issues that need sorted out by pros - if that's the case, forget about her. She aint worth it - I know that goes against your beliefs D, about helping anybody - but you can only help the people who want to BE helped.

I also hope I don't sound too outta line here - but what role IS your hubby playing in all of this? I know he works hard, and I respect that, but isn't this HIS mom and HIS sister? Time for him to grab these two by the scruff and bang heads together if you ask me. If not for some peace and sanity, but for YOUR health.

My advice to YOU though sweetie, and you alone? Picture these people as human beings - their sh*t don't smell any sweeter than yours. Yes they're family, but that doesn't mean they're immune to critique. Don't tell them you need help, don't tell them you're annoyed - tell them they're being arseholes, with no questions asked.

I'm really sorry if that all sounds like a harsh, unfeeling ramble, cos it's not designed to be like that - I am genuinely a very caring person, who lets the people around him that I love KNOW that I love them. I don't like to think of you being made to feel a mug, or that you're not being appreciated.

I think you're WONDERFUL - and I also KNOW that you, your hubby and your kids will be rewarded in heaven, if not long before.

Take care, and sleep tight. xx
06-01-2006, 05:32 PM   #11

I'm with Dez on this one and everything that he has said in there, I totally think does the job.

Good Work
06-01-2006, 06:18 PM   #12
Thanks guys. Mozam, my hubby is only home about one night a week, sometimes 2, and he has stood up for me when things erupt. But he isn't home when they pull their crap on me. He is in a pickle too. He is the black sheep of the family too. Makes matters all the worse. We tried. I guess it is time to move on.

We have decided we will most likely be moving. I don't think I can take anymore. Today his mom got on me because of something Rich said to his sister's boyfriend that apparantly made her mad as heck. It was ok for her to shoot nasty comments about my kids, but once her brother says something rude...and it wasn't even rude (her boyfriend is teaching my son nastyyyyy things, like shooting rocks out his nose..trust me, my son needs no lesson like that!), he just asked that he stop teaching bad things to his son. That comment made his sister so mad she wanted to confront Rich once she got home. Yet she was allowed to insinuate that my kids ruined her mom's carpet by eating in the living room. That it was my fault. It isn't. I make the kids eat at the counter (her portion of kitchen) and she allows them whatever they want to do. But I wasn't allowed to get upset.

Well, thank you so much guys. I know I gave my all, and jeapordized my health in the process. If they can't acknowledge that, then they can just lump it.

Love yas!!!!
06-02-2006, 03:48 PM   #13
Spongie Sonya
I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said....just wanted to give you a big virtual (((((hug))))

Sonya xxx
06-02-2006, 07:20 PM   #14
Senior Member
ladyB's Avatar
Join Date: May 2006
Girl your gut must be in knots 24/7!
I've had similar(not as bad) situations.
What does the family do for you physically or emotionally,and your kids and hubby?
Then ask yourself..
Who means more to my immed. family(kids and hubby)?
Will they fall apart more if you are sick ALL the time
Or if your extended family no longer speaks to you?

This is what I learned and Yes, i have some of my family who don't really speak to me ..except pleasantries at weddings and funerals..not mine..lol..lol
good luck

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